How do you explain to a child that their father is absent by choice?

[Voodoocowgirl]

I have two teenage daughters with my ex-husband, and a two year old son with my ex partner. My son's father left us suddenly when he was five months old and has had minimal contact with him since. We were in a long-term relationship, and my son was planned, FWIW.

I could give countless examples of how he has completely neglected his son (including when he refused to come and stay with him when I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance and later required surgery), leaving my then-17 year old daughter to care for my son and miss out on important exams until my sister could make the three hour drive to look after him, but sadly, it's simply a case of him having no interest in being a father to his son. No birthday cards or gifts, didn't contribute anything until I applied for child support, never asks me about how he is, for pictures of him, anything at all.

I have a partner now who I've been seeing for about a year. He is an absolutely wonderful man who is brilliant with all of my children and has taken on the role of father to my son, who adores him and calls him 'daddy'. My partner has been there for all of the hard stuff, the night wakings, the appointments, he's there whenever my son is sick, gets him (and us) anything he needs, does housework, washing, shopping, you name it. He's also been there for all the amazing things too; my son learning to talk, sing, count, recognise colours and shapes, the hugs, the kisses, the games, the cuteness and the endless love. He's awesome with my daughters as well and I honestly can't picture my life without him in it.

My question is: how do you actually explain to a child that their father chose to not be a part of their life? When my son is old enough to realise that his 'daddy' and his bio father are not the same person, how do I explain? He didn't die, or get sick, or have to leave the country, or anything similar, he just can't be bothered. I honestly think about this sometimes and can't fathom what I will say. To complicate things further, I have a fabulous relationship with my ex partner's sister and father (my son's aunty and grandfather), and they spend a lot of time with us. So eventually my son will realise that they've made a choice to love him and engage with him, but his own father hasn't.

I would love to hear how you navigated this if you have had a similar experience. My ex-husband and I have a fantastic and very positive relationship, and he's always been a very hands-on father to our daughters, so I've never had to contend with a situation like this. I know my son is only two, but I want to be prepared for the day when he starts asking questions, or understanding that his family unit is different to other people's.

I can't bear the thought of him feeling unloved or unwanted, but I don't want to lie to him either. Any advice would be appreciated

[lifestooshort123]

Getting picture books about stepdads and missing fathers is a great idea and then, when he shows an interest, you can gently point out the similarities to your situation. Make the knowledge something he grows up with and answer any questions truthfully. DD tells DGS that his dad left her not him and now he's older (12) dad has shown a bit more interest so she's glad the door was left open as he will always be his son. I would make it sound a bit sad that dad's missing out but that it's quite a normal situation and isn't he lucky to have so many others who love him. Take it slow and honest.

[HolyWells]

What @Bluntness100 and @AgentJohnson said. It would be nice to this this relationship would last, but if it doesn’t, your current boyfriend is highly unlikely to keep acting as a father to your toddler, and you’re then piling up another rejection.

If your boyfriend is doing night wakings etc and you’ve only been together a year, how long is it since he moved in? That seems very unwise to me, from the POV of all your children, including your teenage daughters.

[AgentJohnson]

The actual issue for me is the new partner of a year being called daddy.

This

Correct your son, this man is not his father. If at some later stage your partner chooses to legally formalise the relationship with your son, then that would be different.

Being in a platonic relationship is very different to being in a physical one, therefore the years you’ve know him as a friend, don’t count. It all seems perfect now but being abandoned by two fathers is worse than being abandoned by one.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

My ex left us when I was pregnant. We'd been together many years and DD was planned, but he changed his mind. He's had absolutely no contact since DD was about six and very minimal before that (she is 22), didn't pay maintenance, wasn't interested in her life.

I wanted to shield DD from this knowledge and didn't lie as such, but gave rather vague answers as to why he didn't send birthday or Christmas cards. She said in later years that she knew exactly what I was doing, but went along with it. I was so shocked by his attitude that I don't think I had a date for about 11 years, and so the whole Daddy question hasn't arisen.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

Very few men are willing to carry on acting as "dad" for a girlfriend's child, if the relationship between them and the child's mother ends. Especially once they then move on, meet someone else and settle down and have children of their own.

Hopefully this relationship will last, boyfriend becomes step dad and they all live happily ever after but OP is taking a hell of a risk with her son's feelings.

[iwampix]

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it atm but perhaps buy some books about different sort of family's such as family's with two mummy's, or two daddies, step parents/ siblings etc so he grows up knowing that not every family has a mummy a daddy and their biological children. I'm sure there are loads of age appropriate ones out there, it could be helpful to refer back to when he's a bit older.

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

I met DH when my kids were 3&4 and after we had lived together for a while, about 18months into the relationship, DD and then DS started calling him Daddy.

They are now young adults and he is still very much Daddy. They’ve known the whole time that he isn’t their biological parent. DD used to ask lots of questions but DS never has really. They have no interest in tracking down my ex.

My thing has always just been to be honest with them. It seems to have paid off.

[louloubelx]

@IWasThereToo yeah I get what you’re saying but kids don’t always think how we think. What’s normal to him is being with his mum, and you sound like a very good mum. I definitely wouldn’t force the issue, wait until he asks.

[ArriettyJones]

It’s not too late at all, the child is only two. So she should continue pretending he is his father? Till what age? It will be much more upsetting the older the child gets

It is not “pretending”. Lots of children have much loved mums and dads who aren’t biologically related to them. OP is here specifically for advice on how to drip feed the whole truth to him so she isn’t “pretending” anything.

If he started calling his mum’s DP “daddy” spontaneously (probably influenced by “mummy and daddy” being a common phrase on children’s television or at childcare), and they went with it, it would be confusing and upsetting for him to suddenly corrected now.

It might seem a bit fast, I agree, but OP is best placed to judge the quality and prognosis of her relationship, and she has now said he is a long-standing friend, so she has a decent basis to judge. What I would want to know in her shoes, is that her DP is prepared to continue contact with her little boy even if the relationship ends. He sounds like a nice chap, so maybe she feels confident that he would and that he can be trusted.

[Electrical]

What everyone else said.


DebraSmith why are you signing off your posts with your name? 😂😂😂

[Porcupineinwaiting]

You let him call your boyfriend daddy? Why ffs? How many men do you want this poor kid to be abandoned by?

[PumpkinP]

It’s not too late at all, the child is only two. So she should continue pretending he is his father? Till what age? It will be much more upsetting the older the child gets

[ArthurandJessie]

@Bluntness100 The child already calls the boyfriend daddy I think it's too late to go back on that now poor thing must be so confused !

[IWasThereToo]

I can understand why you might say that, louloublex but DS will see other children have contact with their dad who doesn't live with their mum, and will still take it personally. I agree however, that you should wait until he is of an age to discuss these things. I still think he needs to know that it's not his fault and no reflection on his value, and it is everything to do with whatever that his dad is struggling with on a personal level.

[louloubelx]

I think you’re anticipating too much. Kids are very much black and white...it’s unlikely he will ask questions any time soon, as to him, ‘daddy’ is around.
When he does, you can simply say that you and his bio dad didn’t really get on; you both loved him very much but as grown ups you were better off apart. As the others have said don’t bad mouth him. When he’s old enough to want to know more, he will be old enough to understand more and you can have a more ‘adult’ conversation with him, but for now let him be in his happy family bubble.

[IWasThereToo]

His struggles as in: bio Dad struggles

[IWasThereToo]

Children worry that, because they are half of the 'bad' parent, that makes them bad to. So bearing that in mind, be very careful what you say negatively about his dad. Whatever you say, however truthful it may be, will be taken (even on an unconscious level) as meaning it towards your son, even though you never would. Even if you say it's not a reflection on your son, he may take it that way.

I fully understand you would not want him to feel rejected by his dad. Of course, to some degree, he will. I would simply say that you and his bio dad were in love and really wanted him. You could then say something went wrong in the relationship which made his bio dad leave. And for whatever reason, we may never understand, by a dad couldn't or wouldn't have the contact he would have been able to have, has he chosen to.

I would be clear to say that although you were hurt, and it would be fine for him to also feel hurt by this, it is no reflection of Your value as a person and it's all to do with whatever his struggles are.

[PumpkinP]

I’m not punishing them?? I love my children, its what was suggested on the lone parents board when I made the same post about this. Father absent through choice. I don’t know they reasons why he doesn’t want to be involved, he literally just doesn’t want to. Is it better to tell them he doesn’t want to see them? I’m not going to pretend that he does or lie.

[metronome1]

Pumpkinp that is not a good idea. Please don't leave them wondering and guessing, thinking it is their fault. If you leave it up to him later in life it will leave them with so many unanswered questions plus if he is uninterested he will probably make up some rubbish about you or say something equally as damaging.
Its hard and unfair that you have been left to pick up the pieces but don't punish your children for that.

[onlinelinda]

@ChangeMeAlready OP didn't ask for your self righteous judgement. Get over yourself and stop being bitchy.

[OllyBJolly]

You don't tell your son he left him by choice. You say minimal contact, not no contact.

It's very likely there were many reasons the relationship didn't work out. I'd be very careful you are not seeing all of this through a very rosy lens now you have the "perfect' family and replacement dad.

FWIW, my ex just couldn't cope with the baby/toddler/young years. He wouldn't see them for months at a time. He became much more involved once the DCs were mid primary school. He is a good dad, both DCs adore him and I'd hate to think he wasn't part of their lives.

[MizMoonshine]

I've never made a big deal out of it.
I've always left the door open for my son's father to be a part of his life, I have always facilitated a relationship, in some case extreme measures (actually taking his father in and giving him somewhere to live). I can't say whether or not I have done the best thing, as my son definitely feels the loss of his dad when he chooses to bow out of his life, but he's always happy when he comes back and he looks forward to it.

Now this happens for months at a time. He will not see or hear from his dad, and he has asked why he isn't available for him. I have explained, in terms suitable for a 5/6/7 year old, that his dad is taking care of himself at the time.

I'm leaving it up for my son and his dad to face when he is of an age to realise.

The door is open, I can't ever be accused of preventing a relationship. I don't trash his dad to him. I'm leaving it for the future.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

Just be honest. Don't make excuses for him. Its not bad mouthing its simply truth.

I also think its perfectly fine to call a step dad dad if they are the ones fulfilling the actual role. In my book the title Dad comes with responsibilities and if the bio father doesn't live up to them then he has no right to be called it.

I'd caution after only a year though. That's far too early.

[Whataloadofshite]

You have to be honest.

My father left when I was two years old and my brother a baby. He was having an affair. He was a policeman. He ended up marrying the woman he had an affair with, and had two new children. He completely abandoned us, no contact, it was like we didn't exist. It's still like that, he left my mum with nothing and forgot all about us.

I have never been able to understand how anyone can do that, but he did.

There was no easy way to tell anyone that, and we were never formally told, it's just when you grow up without your dad and hear stories from others about how his new wife and kids are doing, you figure it out.

I reached out to him once. He told me to go away.

So you can't sugar coat this stuff. You just have to be honest and let them know their father is trash.