His Dad isn't his Dad....What do I do? has anyone else been there?

[paisley]

I would be so grateful for some advice please and I will try to keep it short.
My partner and I have been together 5 years,we have two boys aged 2yrs and 10 months.

Around the time my 2yr old was conceived I had a one night stand with my ex. My partner and I were on the verge of splitting up, his choice not mine, and to make myself feel better I selfishly found comfort in my ex.

I had been trying for a baby with my partner but because of various problems (endometriosis,fibroids) i was told that it was very unlikely i would ever conceive naturally.

I found out i was pregnant when i was five months into the pregnancy.My partner and i were getting on much much better and there was no way i even entertained the idea that my DS1 wasn't his...until now.

When DS1 was around 18 months he lost alot of weight and instead of looking like a baby he started looking more like a little boy... he also started to look like my ex.
For a while i kept it to myself until i knew i was sure and then a couple of months ago i told my partner the truth, my reasoning was that my son has the right to know the truth and i can't lie to him about who his father is.

I was petrified that my partner was going to leave especially as i hadn't ever confessed to sleeping with my ex but he said he loves DS1 to bits and nothing will ever change that. He also said that he knows we were going through a really rough time back then and doesn't hold a grudge i cheated because it happened a long time ago, he said he still loves me.

My DS1 adores my partner, calls him daddy and his name is on his birth certificate as his father. I am trying to get the money together for a DNA test to prove one way or another but the thing is im so scared of what all this is going to do to my son if it comes back that his daddy isn't who he thinks it is...i'm so worried, all i ever wanted was children of my own and i've blown it.
i'd appreciate any advice please.

[TellusMater]

Or less curious...

I have never felt the urge to meet my biological father. Have also always known.

[MummyDarlingSausage]

no i didn't really have any curiosity as a child or teenager. i guess with lots of youngsters they have a pretty small world -all i really cared about was having fun with my mates. my mum tried to talk to me about my biological dad (i guess she thought i should be curious and she herself seemed to want to talk about things) but i wasn't really interested. she had photo's of him and his family so i knew what he looked like. one day though when i was 18 i thought i wonder what my biological dad is like and i want to meet him. i felt quilty (about my dad who brought me up) and didn't want to hurt his feelings. once i met him though - it wasn't anything amazing (like a missing piece of my life) a bit of a non event i think - it seems like ages ago now. i guess its different for everyone though. maybe some would be more curious.

[Isababel]

Paisley... get the test done, then sort the implications. No need to stress yourself and your partner about this until it is confirmed, if it is, that DS is not his.

[paisley]

MummyDarlingSausage, thanks for your comments, i'm wondering if you grew up with curiosity about your biological father and if this ever made you want know what he was like or want to meet him? I know i had all sorts of ideas about my biological father but i've always thought a lot of that was because no one would answer my questions which made the subject more taboo and intriguing. I'm trying to see all this fron my son's point of view and want to do the right thing.

[MummyDarlingSausage]

pailsey, i think you have made the best decision. My dad wasn't my biological dad and my mum told me at a very young age (so young I don't remember being told) it was never an issue. i did meet my biological dad when i was 18 and have seen him on a few occassions since but tbh he is like a stranger and i don't have any feelings for him really unlike my dad who brought me up. i am very grateful for being told the truth at an early age. my dh's eldest brother on the other hand found out when he was 16 that his dad wasn't his 'real' dad and he went mad - really resented his parents and caused a big fight etc etc. i know everyones circumstances are different but i don't understand people who would rather hide the truth. good luck to your family. your dcs are lucky to have such great parents.

[paisley]

thanks for the coments hannahmary, i'm interested to know if you have any feelings of resentment towards your parents for keeping the secret from you? I know you said your dad will always be your dad and it seems that you have a good relationship, but don't you feel betrayed or think that you would have liked the opportunity to know your biological father or atleast know of him? I'm asking because sometimes i get so racked with guilt over what has happend and picture my son feeling so hurt and betrayed that i kept the truth from him. Thanks again.

[hannahmary]

'Blimey, you are one brave lady. Well done for having the guts to go to your partner and tell him what happened and share your suspicions and a BLOODY MASSIVE well done to your partner for taking it so brilliantly - he must be one diamond of a bloke!'

I totally agree with this! My biological dad wasn't my dad but this was kept from me until I was 24 when my dad got all upset and dramatically announced 'you're not my daughter'. But the thing is that my mum hadn't told him until I was about 6 and in a mean way so they never really dealt with it. My biological dad died this Christmas and my half-siblings started arguing about whether I should be included in the will blah blah blah, I just told them to leave me out of it because for me, my dad is my dad and always will be. I think that if you guys are in a good relationship and love your son then why cause anguish and stress?

[paisley]

That is my reasoning, i don't think waiting until my son is older is going to benefit him one bit,i want his version of a normal life to start right now, not when i think he might be emotionally ready, how do you put an age on it anyway? i see far more problems in landing a bombshell on him some point in the future then having him grow up knowing he has 2 dads.

I would love to think that we could all sit down and talk but i'm going to take one step at a time cos it's a huge thing for both my partner and my ex to deal with.

thanks for the 'good mum' comment...i really don't feel like it at the minute.

[whiskeyandbeer]

it's a tough situation all round and not one i'd wish on anyone. but i think you are doing the right thing for all parties concerned. if your kid grows up with the info then it will just seem normal. to find out at 13,15,18 or even in their twenties could royally mess with their head.

[LoveMyGirls]

I think you are brave and its the best thing all round. Look at it this way, the more people that love and care for your son the better.

[paisley]

Thanks for all the comments. i really do feel that the best way to go about this is to bring my son up wth the knowlege than without it, that's assuming that the result is that my ex is his father. I can's see how it would help my son to change his whole world later on and risk him being confused or hurt if i know the truth now and don't share it with him in a way that he can understand.

I also agree that my ex has a right to know that he has a son and think that he would be a positive influence on my son's life.

I think i'm going to start by getting the test done and then if the result does come back that my ex is the father i will discuss it with my partner and then look to contacting my ex and seeing how he feels about being involved in my son's life.

I know it's not going to be easy but i owe it to my son to be honest.

thanks again for the feedback it's not something i have been able to talk about with anyone.

[contentiouscat]

Personally I think the best course of action is get the DNA test done and then if your ex is the biologial father tell your son as soon as possible.

If you keep this a secret & it comes out in years to come he will have a bigger problem with the deceit - I had a friend whose mum was pregnant when she moved in with the man who raised her (and my friend regarded as her father) she had known this from early childood & had no problems with it at all.

[madamez]

This is the biggest reason for telling: the fact that usually everyone else in the family knows. Just think for a minute if that were you and everyone who was supposed to be close to you and love you had LIED to you all your life.
Because these things always come out, sooner or later. SOmeone gets drunk and blabs. SOmeone gets religion and blabs. Some sort of medical conditon shows up that makes it obvious all is not as it is being claimed to be. Get the facts straight an work on telling your DS in an age-appropriate way.

[kindersurprise]

You should tell your ex and your son the truth, but wait a little until your son is old enough to understand. Once you have the results of the test, then tell your partner, he has the right to know.

My DH nephew still does not know that the man he has always thought of as his father is not his biological father. All the family know, and I worry that he might find out accidently sometime and resent all of us for not telling him.

[whiskeyandbeer]

your son and your ex have a right to know.
at the moment your ex probably doesn't even know it's a possibility, imagine your son got to adulthood and they both found out that you made a conscious decision to deprive him of a son and your child of a father.
the fact that you are already saving for a dna test suggest you know what the right thing to do is, you have to take responsibility for your actions.
i hate to sound harsh and i know it is tough but to willingly deny a man his child is just plain wrong

[forsale]

i will add though that dh's cousin found out a couple of years ago that her dad wasnt her dad i think her aunts husband was. Interestingly it was always suspected that things werent quite right - it hasnt changed her view of her dad at all and in fact i think they're closer thanm her and her mum

[lisad123]

My DH parents did not tell him the man that brought him up was not his father till we found out when we went to get a copy of his birth cert for our wedding in Carribean! He was 24 at the time. His mum has refused to give any info about his natural father and the horrible thing is all the extended family knew the whole time
In my opinion I would get the test done, to be very sure ( he might not look like our dh, but could just be taking after your side) and then decide if and when to tell. I do think theres more positives in telling him early at a level he can understand because if left too late it causes more problems, and just gets harder every day.

Good luck

Lisa

[forsale]

first of all i wouldnt tell ds - certainly not at 2years of age but i would go ahead and get the DNA test done as you cant go forward on speculation. You could of course mention it to your ex and introduce him to your family just as "XXX" in an uncle capacity so as not to detract from your womderful dp's position who is regardless the childs "dad". You could see how things go with your ex and if he sticks around and behaves in a reasonable manner then when ds is older you could tell him. I think not lying is important here but that doesnt necessarily mean telling the truth

[Baffy]

Difficult situation and I know you have to focus on what is right for you, your partner and child (your partner does sound like a star).

If it were me, I would go down the DNA route, you need to know for sure. Otherwise all of this worrying could be pointless anyway.

But if he is your ex's child - as well as considering your family, you need to consider your ex. He does really have a right to know if he has a child. Once you go down the DNA test route, that can of worms is open. And you will need to deal with the information you find out, and consider your ex as well as yourselves.


I definitely agree with others who have said children are very adaptable, and it is probably best to bring ds up knowing the truth from the start.

Also agree that you need to think really carfully before making the decision to test. Do you really want to go down this route?


Best of luck whatever you decide.

[LoveMyGirls]

Kids adapt very well and are more forgiving than you think. My dd1 has always known dp is not her "real" dad but my dp does everything and is her dad as far as we're all concerned, my ex has nothing to do with her because he doesnt deserve to so that makes it simple in that sense. My dd1 is now 8 and has never asked to meet my ex, if she does ask i will say maybe one day but really i dont ever want her to meet him but i know that it is her choice when she is 16 by then i will have brought her up well enough to know what it takes to be a decent person and his influence wont affect her then like it would now.

If you can have them both involved without causing problems then that sounds like a good plan all round. Its great your dp is so supportive you are very lucky.

[CirqueduSoleil]

So, your ex- may very well love him? Would he be a good father? Would he add to your son's life? If you are nodding to all three, then, I would bring it out into the open. If not, but you have a need to know, go down the DNA route and file it away for future reference.

My nephew may very well not be my biological nephew. My brother was advised by lots of friends to have a DNA test when he was told about his son. He chose not to. He has a great relationship with his son - the result of lots of time and effort. I love my nephew - he is that, even if he isn't, if you see what I mean.

You are clearly sensitive to everyone's needs - you will make the right decision for you and your family. Good luck. And yes, your partner's reaction to all this, made me glow - it is lovely to read about good, caring blokes and it sounds like you more than deserve him.

[madamez]

THis is a tricky one. I sympathise with your need to know and think (on the whole) that it might be better to bring your DS up with the knowledge rather than without it. I was adopted as a baby and grew up knewing so: young children are quite adaptable to having different-from-the-norm family situations, but teenagers, for instance, can blow apart completely if they find out suddenly that their family is not quite what they had assumed it was.

It's also true that these days families are more diverse than they were (stepfamilies, donor insemination, surrogacy etc), so he might not be the only kid in his class with more relatives than usual. You might find it helpful to talk the whole thing over with Relate or someone similar, while your DS is still very little - but on the whole I really would say that secrets within a family can be very poisonous.