A long update for you all as to where I currently am with DC. You'll find the link to my previous posts below.
After the courts decision with access over DD, the animosity between us remains, I still have to record all hand overs as he still becomes abusive over, well anything he feels like. Normally when faced with someone who is either rude or cross my go to is be over nice, but with him is ignore ignore ignore. I look through him and say nothing. I always make sure I say the appropriate things to DD, 'Say hello/ bye bye to Daddy.' Etc. He can not be civil, or polite, I think he has managed once since we split, that was about 6 months ago when he mentioned she had a lump on her back, I said yes, it was a chicken pox scar. Anyway, DD is doing ok, she's still struggling with the situation, she comes home with lots of anger and shouting, how I am bad, how he keeps telling her what her name is over and over and questioning her on it, how she's going to work and sitting by herself and not going to school. How she must say things certain ways and that I am wrong. Currently it is what it is, he's again tried to break the court order with access. He sets deadlines of a day when he wants me to do something, but waits weeks to do something himself. It's all building up and I am just waiting a little longer before he blows it completely. I had an abusive email from him this week about my applying for her school place without him - we had agreed in court already which school, so I applied as per the court order, apparently I was wrong.
Unfortunately I am still rendered a shaking mess when I get the abuse but I don't react and ignore, but it's still unpleasant.
The older children are doing loads and loads better, they are not without their issues, but it is fairly evident to everyone, including DD11's friends mum's that she's now learning to express rather than repress, so sometimes it will come out wrong, so there is understanding. The oldest are doing great, we have rows which is great 
but they are being heard, they can express and we can all make up too. Which is immensely cathartic. They both have started relationships and bring their partners and friends around all the time which is heart warming.
The divorce, I had to put my foot down and made my solicitor send the paperwork to the court, he'd had 3+ months of time to think and respond with regular reminders, so it went, and it was sent out to him, he had till yesterday to respond- we'll see if he did at all (not holding my breath). So the battle continues.
In the last few months I have bumped into a few people that we knew together, some his friends, some ours. One hid her head in the boot of a car to avoid me, one was polite but very uncomfortable and one actually turned and ran when they saw me. I can't say this hasn't hurt, it has. Still not one person has made efforts to see even if the kids are ok. My name must be absolute mud. But as much as it smarts, being away from the constant degradation and humiliation far out weighs that.
As for me, well I am loving my job, I am making more and more friends, I am having people over, I am going to the gym, I am having fun, and peace. I am not fixed yet, but getting there.
In July 2018 I stood in the middle of a dance floor with all my friends and had a moment of clarity where I stood still watching my friends and realised 'I am so unhappy.' I was so desolate.
Last weekend I stood in the middle of a dance floor and had another moment of clarity 'My daughters are safe, my son is safe, I am at peace, this is what happy is.'
2018 seems so far away I can't even comprehend what we have all been through in the last 13 months. But we are here and we are doing we winning.
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Handhold -Told H I want a divorce, the rise and fall I am rising.
awesmum · 09/11/2019 19:40
I'm so pleased you are doing so well. 
He is brainwashing her and it is most definately parental alienation. I thought he wasn't allowed to take her to his workplace?
Does she show any interest or excitement to see him?
Thanks for the update. It is great that the 3 children are so much better .
Your DD "Laura-Mary " ... what a shame he is putting her through that .
for you .
Please start the ball rolling in going back to court and getting cafcass involved.
Your poor poor DD 
You are doing a great job KOKO
@awesmum you are amazing. I'm so sorry you are still having to fight to protect your DD from the madness and chaos of exH (which you are handling so well, as ever). He really is bonkers isn't he?
Everything else in your update, about your realisation in 2018 about how unhappy you were and then to now - you are happy, thriving at work, DC are happy and relaxed, it has got me with tears streaming down my face, I'm so pleased for you 
Also thank you, I'm more of a lurker than a poster, but there's a lot that resonates with me. You have inspired me on a bit more with my own situation, which at the moment is like wading through treacle and I've been feeling a bit hopeless recently, (divorcing alcoholic and abusive H, currently in the same house and he's now lost his job) but I look forward to the days where I feel free and relaxed and my home is a home 
Thank you for helping me remember that there is hope and a future
@Tiddleypops I am so sorry you're going through that. It is so hard. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
The children and I are so excited for Christmas now, we are making plans and looking forward to things. Don't get me wrong I do have bad days, but those are few and far between. Gone are the days of sobbing my heart out because I was so low and so unhappy. Because I thought that I was wrong about everything and it was all my fault.
ExH is ignoring all the divorce stuff now, hoping I'll disappear.
I have to tell him this weekend that DD has given up her dummy and hope he doesn't give her one, she's not asked for one, but every time I have told him before - even the dr and dentist telling him he's still done it. Dick.
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@RandomMess I dropped her off at 10 to to avoid bumping into him
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