Is there ALWAYS one very bitchy, competitive mummy?

[sleepfinder]

I am a fairly new mum, and most of the mums I've met have been lovely - we're all in the same boat etc even if we have absolutely nothing else in common, there's that underlying camaraderie. But every now and again I come across a real stinker - a very competitive, unfriendly, bitchy mummy.

It could just be that I'm meeting them when they're having an "off" day, but someone has told me there is always "ONE" lurking, in every given mummy-environment.

Is this true?

Is there anyway to escape it>

[Wheelybug]

Ah yes, Cammelia there is always an excuse if the child of alphamum comes second...

Anyway, agree that its not the case that there is ALWAYS one and in fact they're not always bitchy - my example below isn't bitchy with it (probably more snide ) but I have to say, in 2.5 years of being a SAHM and mixing a lot with mums she is the only one i have encountered - most are lovely and supportive and great company but you do get some. But I guess thats true in all walks of life.

[Cammelia]

I've come across one in my dd's year in each of the 2 schools my dd has attended.

However much you wish it wasn't true, they really do exist. Those of you who haven't met one, you're very lucky.

How about this one: when my dd beat her dd at a school swimming training session, she said it was beacuse I stared at her dd thereby putting her off

Thank God this woman has now left not only the school but the country

[lemonaid]

Never come across one in real life, so either I'm particularly unobservant or there isn't always one (unless... horrors... it's me? I doubt it though as DS is resolutely average on most things)

[Pages]

Yes. My "group" had one. Not bitchy exactly but always competitive and pointing out how clever her darling was. As my DS has SN he was the last to walk and still isn't talking so I wasn't even in the running...

DS2 is very bright but it has made me appreciate how irritating these show off mums are and I don't show off about DS2 at all. In fact I tend to praise him for other qualities. As a child I was always praised for being clever and forward and not much else and it has left scars.

I praise my kids for being kind, sharing, thoughtful etc first and achieving second. I honestly dont care if they end up as doctors or dustmen as long as they are happy, nice people.

[Leati]

You must be talking about the mum whose baby walks first, talks first, and is absolutely a genius. The one who verbally points out all the ways her baby is superior to every other bably in the room. You know the one that you compliment how cute their bundle of joy looks and they don't compliment anyone elses baby. Ignore those mums and remember they are probably trying to compensate for something else.

Everyone thinks thier baby is best, brightest, and cutest (thats a mothers love)...not everyone feels the need to constantly verbalize it. My advice is to be friendly if you can and if you can't avoid her.

[Baffy]

There isn't always one. I haven't come across any. But I know friends who have.

I just don't understand people like this. When I'm with friends, and my ds does something that their baby can't, I feel a bit embarrassed, I would never dream of going on about it. I usually try to find something positive that their child can do that ds can't, then turn it round so we're talking about good things their baby does instead.

We all know how wonderful our own babies are and we don't need confirmation from other people. I'd much rather try and make someone else feel proud of their own child, than try and make our 1 year old children compete to be the best at everything!


Not sure what the best thing is to do. you could try that tactic. But if she is genuinely a real bitch then maybe just ignore her.

[pagwatch]

Could some of you though remember that things are not always as they appear.
When my DS started to deteriorate I was very depressed and completely out of my depth. I was getting no sleep - zilch. He slept for about 4 hours a night and I had elder DS to deal with. To cap it all we had moved ( to try and get DS some kind of provision) and I had new mums at school gate. DS just seemed naughty and I know that I was constantly comapring him to other kids - and probably trying to find one thing where he did well. I probably looked like some of the women described here as bitchy.
I remeber realising how it must look from the outside when DS1 said to me " mum you are so lovely it is such a shame about your face . Talking it over with him and my hubby the tiredness and grief had left me with a face that looked, in repose, cross and disdainful although I was feeling neither of those things.
I am much better now and actually smile and chat to everyone as compensation for my sad old face . Apparently still haven't cracked it though as son gets so irritated that I talk to everyone!
So whilst I think there are some bitchy mums I think sometimes they just have 'issues'

[MilkMonitor]

No, I know lots of people who are just plain bitches, not in my head! What a funny thing to say, Lady Macbeth. Makes it sound like the OP isn't capable of deciding who is horrid and who isn't.

How much time do you have to waste, Sleepfinder? I'd not spend any part of my life on these silly women.

[LadyMacbeth]

Try to remember that people are often 'bitchy' because you decide that they are. People are only as bad as you make them out to be in your head. Try not to self-victimise.

The people that may come across as bitchy are often a) insecure hence the competitiveness or b) totally honest and straight down the line with little desire to ingraciate themselves. Either of which is fine and is not a direct insult to you.

Be yourself and just be friendly... unless they cross the line and are really rude to you then you may ROAR at them!

I have to say I meet very few people that I would consider bitchy... and I know a lot of 'Alpha mums.' If you do meet a tricky one it's better to try to get to know them better in order to give them a chance, non? It's v rare to find that anyone's a complete uber-bitch and if they are, well it's no loss to just stay distant is it?

[WinkyWinkola]

Ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore.

Or just smile and say, "My DS/DD is really slow. Never mind. I love him / her just the way they are." Even if they aren't particularly slow (wrong word but you know what I mean).

Then ignore, ignore, ignore. She will get the message that you don't subscribe to her way of thinking and are simply not interested.

People like that need attention to fuel their silliness.

[HectorsHouse]

me neither mazzystar although I've met people who have moments of competitiveness, mostly unconciously, and of bitchiness, mostly amusingly

[mazzystar]

to be honest, i haven't yet met one

folk seem to be nice round here

[Wheelybug]

I met one in antenatal classes and still see her 2 or 3 times a week 2.5 years later . I have mainly kept up with her because we have a lovely friend in common and also AlphaMummy ("AM") tends to come to things I do. Only last week though did 'lovely friend in common' and I share our thoughts on the matter and i know now it isnt just me.

Things she has been competitive about in 2.5 years:

• teething
  
• rolling
  
• crawling
  
• how much her dd could eat
  
• how many poos she does a day
  
• walking (this was a biggie - she walked round the house with her dd on her fingers for hours at a time)
  
• talking
  
• sleeping
  
• counting
  
• knowing colours
  
• being well behaved (as in her dd is so much better behaved than any one elses' child - that is until the mother isn't watching)
  
• and conversely, how badly behaved her child is ()
  
• how sensitive and shy her child is
  
• and finally potty training
  
  Ok, ahem, rant over - its been rather grating of late (Actually as its the summer hols so classes aren't on we have seen less of each other mainly to avoidance tactics). Our dds are going to same nursery (I chose first) but I really really hope NOT to the same schools (and probably won't because we live in slightly different areas).

[LaBoheme]

There is one in DD music class (3+months). She is very, how to I put this, sour, smug, and I am always utterly mystified as to why the other Mums seem to suck up to her, laugh at her little anecdotes and hang on her every word. She constantly slips little hints bigging herself and her DS up at every opportunity - "oh i am so tired, DS is teething and I am getting no sleep, I never knew what it was like not to sleep as he was sleeping through from 4 weeks" if you get the picture. She just eyes me up as if to question "how very dare you not pay attention to me"....

[warthog]

invariably....

i comfort myself with thinking that they're inwardly very insecure.

[verysweatybetty]

there is always one, im a young mum im 23 with 2 children and there is a young mum at my sons nursery who is the same age and has 5 children. She is always staring at me and my son and seems to have a very sour look on her face. Im no one to judge but she doesnt look very clean and neither do her children but i dont stare nastly at her or her kids!

[Leilel]

No, there really are some people who are consistently vile. It happens with some mums, but its not just mums. It happens in all social environments (from the school yard to the boardroom). Its a kind of bullying. What they get out of it is a sense of satisfaction because being bitchy gives them a sense of superiority and accomplishment, and it reinforces their unpleasant view that they are simply better than most other people. That is a big gain for the bitch. Usually they have a couple of friends who share their sense of superiority and their unpleasant personality type.

Lucky that most people arent like that. The best way to deal with these assholes is to ignore them.

[michie40]

I was thinking about this earlier and as you get older don't you find that nothing has really changed from when you where at school. There are always the same characters appearing in any group you meet. The bully, the ultra competitive, the quiet one, and the bitches etc... I am in a bit of a philosphical mood!

[HectorsHouse]

why would someone be bitchy to a room full of strangers though, what could she hope to achieve?

It just seems to me that some people are very socially gauche and that it is easy for an entire room to turn on them so everything they say is taken the wrong way.

I'm not saying you're wrong there are mothers, of my acquaintance, who at times say something that sounds really bitchy or really competitive but as I like them I give them the benefit of the doubt

I seriously have never met this mythical creature who is just always bitchy or always competitive ... although I've met people I won't give the benefit of the doubt to

[Leilel]

yes, and in the school playground not only are they bitchy, but their child is also complete ANGEL who never does anything wrong!!

[MaureenMLove]

You just have to do your best to distance youself from this particlar one and it's true, there will alway be someone trying to be one better than you, whether its kids or not. It gets worse once you're in the school playground!

[themoon66]

They are not just mummies. They crop up in every area of life IMO.

[sleepfinder]

thanks L

my comment was for HH