Hi, I'm trying to decide whether to leave my husband. I feel like this is such an old story on relationships but I really want to talk about it so here goes...
I'm 42, we've been married for 12 years. We have 2 DCs age 3 and 7. DS2 starts school in September which is a worry as he is being assessed for possible ASD and I think that his start at school will be quite rocky.
We have had sex once since DS2 was born. I occasionally try to initiate it but DH is always too tired.
DH is not terrible in lots of ways. He does wash up, empty and load the dishwasher, looks after most of the bills and sometimes vaccums and changes the sheets on our bed without being asked (thinking about those "mental load" cartoons). He is also supporting us financially at the moment. So he isn't a complete waste and sometimes I think that I just have unrealistic expectations.
We both worked in similar jobs- we are both NHS hospital consultants and before children we both worked in acute areas. He hasn't been willing to change his working pattern at all and also will not accept us having a nanny so I do all the school dropoffs and pickups. He also refuses to look after the DCs (particularly DS2) at weekends so I've had to stop doing on call. He did used to look after DS1 but would make a point of how awful it was for him and I would often be setting off for work having just been told things like "I'm in a situation that I can't stand, this is intolerable".
This has had a massive impact on my career- I was clinical lead for my department and training lead for our region in my specialty when I got pregnant. I gave these up when I went on mat leave and have gradually taken less and less prestigious roles to try to get a job that allows me to work while also dropping off at 8 and picking up at 5.30.
I find it really humiliating at work when there is an evening meeting or something in the morning before 9 and I can't get to it because I have no childcare. DH refuses to talk about other childcare options and says that it is impossible for him to have a day when he does drop-off or pick up because it would be "unprofessional".
DH has only taken 2 weeks of annual leave in the school holidays this year. He wouldn't talk to me about this, or even tell me what leave he'd taken for weeks and I ended up emailing his secretary to get a copy of his rota so I could find out when he would be about.
We have a holiday booked in a month's time and he will not talk about it at all- he says that he is in denial about it which I find really hurtful (he finds the idea of spending time with us so awful that he can't think about it).
He has also been agreeing to do things and then backing out- we were going to go skiing with his parents and after we'd talked to them, agreed a week and I'd spent ages looking at the best options he said that he wouldn't be able to stand it so I had to ring them and say that we had decided against it. The same thing happened last summer with him agreeing to us getting guinea pigs and a trampoline- he agreed to it and then after I'd told the DCs and we'd measured up and looked at the best guinea pig houses he decided that the garden had "too much crap" in it already and that we couldn't do it.
I am sure that people will be reading this and thinking that I'm being really wet- just buy the damn trampoline FFS but he gets so withdrawn that it just isn't worth the effort.
I am kind of a SAHM at the moment. My dad had a very serious accident about 2 years ago and spent 18 months in hospital. I couldn't manage doing all the school runs and seeing my dad (DH never once looked after the DCs so I could visit) and work, so I am on unpaid carer's leave and I'm due to go back to work in September. I feel like this has made the power imbalance between us much worse.
DH will not socialise with my family and tries not to see his parents (I've been to visit them with the boys but he doesn't come). I regularly take the boys away for the weekend. When he comes we often have what I think is a really good time, but he has told me that he's faking it and he hates it.
He also says that I'm very controlling but I feel like he is. He told me recently that I get everything that I want and I just didn't know what to say.
I feel like all he ever wants me to do is to take the children out do that he can have the house to himself. He says that he feels like a spare part when they are here and that he feels driven out of the house and that he can't concentrate on anything.
The thing is, he is supporting us. He will read to the DC and I'm hoping that as DS2 gets older he will be more confident with him.
I hope that I can get back to work and he will respect me a bit more and be nicer to me, but I also feel like it's very hard for me to work properly when I have to arrive late and leave early and can't do on call.
At the top of my long post I said that he would change the sheets without being asked. Just typing that made me feel a bit nervous at the idea of asking him- he'd do it himself but would hate me asking him.
He tells me that I'm controlling and that he tries not to give an opinion in case it's wrong but then sulks and mutters to himself so I spend all my time trying to guess what he wants. If I challenge him on it he stands with his hands behind his back and says that he's trying not to provoke me, but he refuses to talk to me.
I don't want a divorce, I want to have a husband who wants to spend time with us and who I can talk to without walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing.
I just don't know what to do.
Thank you
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Relationships
Deciding to go
TotheLaunchBay · 16/05/2019 13:09
Just from your first post, I'd also say there are two family members on the autism spectrum. Like son, like father. This is not a reason to stay. Go, and have a normal happy life. You DH needs to deal with who he is in his own way, in denial or with acceptance, up to him. You will be able to support your DS so he understands his own issues and he will do much better in life than his father.
for diagnosis it would have to have significant impact on his life and it doesn't
Losing his wife because of his rigidity counts as significant impact. So does being unable to enjoy (or think about or stand!) a family holiday or even a weekend away. So does being permanently too tired to have sex. So does not wanting to go to any social events. So does being traumatised by the thought of putting a trampoline in the garden. So does feeling like a spare part with his children. They all count.
And it's not just the impact it's having on him that matters. There's the impact on you, and on the chidlren, and the way that you are having to protect the children from the impact. Even your older DC is trying to protect his sib. That counts too, though your DH may be taking the words "significant impact on his life" too literally realise it.
I've thought autism traits, depression as well.
Poorly managed autism (autism which sounds to me a lot more profound than either he or you have realised) is very likely to lead to depression.
I'm autistic and wouldn't behave like OP's DH in a billion years.
Sure, but it is how her DH is dealing (or failing to deal) with his own autism that's the problem. For starters, you know and fully accept that you have autism. He doesn't.
It's not a reason to stay though. OP do take a look at those websites.
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