come on then..advice please...conflict between dh & i on coming home times

[shhhh]

Right,this sems to have alwasy been a problem with dh & I in the last 11 years of being together BUT its been managable and we have had a happy medium.

DH is not a regular going out guy...but does go out lots more than me (my choice..recently had our 2nd and the gilrs don't tend to socialise as often at night..we tend to meet up with lo's etc) It can be anything between 2x a month to x1 every 2 months etc....Nothing regular. Various reasons why.

DH used to come home at around 2/3am,then when we hit a bad patch and before we split 7 years ago dh started taking he p1ss and coming in at 5/6 am with no regard for anyone.
Then around a year or so ago it all started again and it was every few times when he went out, he would roll home at 5/6am and NOW on the last half dozen+ occasions (possibly since ds was born..not sure) its been 5/6am AGAIN.

I have tried to discuss it with him BUT it just turns into an argument and as though im controlling him..Im not BUT I don't feel happy with this socialising till 5/6am and can't see why...?
He hasn't even got a concrete answer and tends to blame it on late licensing etc.

Last night I said, I don't mind if he goes out 2x monthly but as long as he was home around 3am BUT I know he saw this as the green light to call his mates up for a night out every other wkd. Not what I had in mind. I just though if here were occasions that warrented it ie stag do/birthdays or just a get together.

So,my question is:Am I unreasonable in the fact that I disproove of dh coming home so late (personally I don't fel its appropriate. A father of 2 babies,31 years old, surely he woul rather do other things to socialise ie golf etc than spend his time in a pub/club full of underage drinkers..) and how do we come to a solution..?

He tends to go out with around 2/3 seperate groups of friends. People who he works with (self emp so this is usually when staying away), People who he used to work with (note, 2 of these are single and 1 esp kept his "other girlf" from his dw for over a year"...I knew BUT didn't know her well enough iykwim.) and lads he's know for almost 30 years.

Im honestly not happy with the set up and can't see why he does it. I see the solution as us going seperate ways. Clearly he's still lusting after the single life .

[cestlavie]

Not sure that I agree with all the sentiments on here, but a 2am compromise sounds pretty reasonable for you both (well, works for me and DW anyway!).

Hope it all goes well for you.

[shhhh]

Just to add...Sorry about grammar/spelling mistakes but trying to type on this laptop is not easy.

[shhhh]

meant to say: 1st sentance: UNACCEPTABLE

[shhhh]

TBH I can't answer why I don't agree with it. Suppose I just find it acceptable that he should come home at this hour....If roles were reversed and i did it what would he say...? He would go mad, why..? Beacuse "its out of character" for me.! WTF.

I have suggested alcohol as being a problem. Yeah so he doesn't put vodka on his cereal or brush his teth with it is irrelevant BUT IMO HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.He does always worry me with this behaviour as he always has to be last man standing. Drinks 2 to everyone elses 1 etc.

Yes, I have gone out numeous time with the girls and even arranaged a night out and gave dh moments notice (like I get at times). He hated it. Why...? Because he was bored. Ah right, so he doesn't think of how bored I also get sat at ome with 2 lo's YET I do it far more regular than him and I do it for longer.

I actually sat him down for a frank discussion last night. Turns out that money atm is a huge worry on his mind yet, (to add to the point about the cost of going out)he doesn't see that him going out is spending £100/£200 more than it would cost to stop in. He fels that he earns i so he can spend it..regardless that we have feck all to spend. He se's it as his right. Told him I see it as being immatue and burying is head in the sand. DH was off for 5 months following ds's birth and is self emp so like anyone it hit us hard. DS has ben very ill since birth so that hit us hard. I just feel that I know dh has lots to contend with but he is being quite selfish and immature imo. He feels that we don't have time for each other atm, to go for a meal etc. FFS we have a 2 yo and a sick 21 week old..! Its not like we never went out..before ds was born we even went out for meals etc BUT this stopped around 6-7 months ago due to pregnancy and birth. Like most couples I would guess...

So................dh has tried to reasurre m that Its not me BUT that he's bored with life atm,feels things have changed since the lo's arrived and that his behaviour is the result. .

Suppose w will never agree and mayb others on mn ill think im selfish BUT I just think this attitude is a bit ..... selfish.
We endd with us agreeing that he's free to go out whenever but that its reasonable to come home around 2ish and if on the odd occasion things are good that night then he can stop out longer. YET as I reminded him,may times he's gone out..not benen enjoying it but not arrived home till 6am...So who knows how things will go. BTW I did tell exactly how it makes me feel. Not sure if its registered. (although maybe him reading my posts secretly on mn may get through)

All I can say is that im not pepared to stop somewhere where theres no compromise and when the piss is taken out of me on a regular basis. I aim to review this in around 6 months time....

Thanks everyone so far. Much appreciated x

[newgirl]

i wonder if you should go out more so he knows what it is like?

[cestlavie]

Alcoholism, love of god.

The man goes out and gets wrecked a couple of times a month. It's hardly like he's necking a bottle of Scotch a night. You might want to class me and just about everyone I know as alcoholics on that basis.

As theman says, what exactly is your problem with what he does? Certain concerns (e.g. safety) may be reasonable, others (e.g. he should stay at home because he's a father) are less so.

[theman]

"don't feel that should stop me from walking out o asking dh to give me a break..In all honesty im a sahm so some could say I contribute nothing so what rights do I have...... Lots is my reply..!"


at no time did i mean to insinuate that sorry if it sounded like it.i was just trying to make a point with regards the poster who said you should kick him out f your joint house.

i'm still trying to understand your problem with it.
you say he's still vulnerable, what do you mean by that?
are you against it because of his safety? his health? because you think he might be having an affair? or simply because you don't deem it appropriate and have some fundamental problem with it?

if it is the last one then i don't really understand how you expect him to change his ways simply because you have some inexplicable opposition to coming in at 5/6 in the morning,especially when you say he is an active family man the next day.

if it was any of the other reasons then this is not really an issue regarding coming home times as those dangers are just as likely to occur at lunch time.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Nobody's suggested the possibility of alcoholism here? What state does he come home in?

[LoveMyGirls]

I still go out clubbing, ocassionally we stay out til silly o clock, WE do it about 4 times a year with OUR friends, neither of us do it on our own every couple of weeks.

Shhhh - where does he find the money if your a sahm if you don't mind me asking? Can you ask him to stop due to money?

[madamez]

Is it possible that some of these kinds of problems are caused by people making assumptions tht are totally unwarranted? If someone likes to go clubbing and stay out late, why should they stop altogether when they become a parent? (OK, obviously you can't go out every single night when you have DCs as the babysitting costs would be horrendous). Parenthood doesn't mean you stop being a person. Parenthood is something that everyone needs time off from now and again and I don't get the impression that the OP's DH is preventing her from going out with her friends while he takes his turn at looking after the DCs. So why does it matter what he does with his free time? And why on earth should anyone feel entitled to expect another person's bhavhiour to change into what they think is appropriate, for no other reason thatn they think it's what 'normal' people'ought' to do?

[mamimwnci]

My dh went through a stage of this..he'd go out and cause of the 24hr drinking now started coming in at 6am ish!

Like you I don't find this acceptable.
I think and I told him - You obviously don't respect me or our life as a family with 4 kids to be staying out that late and being completely useless the next day.

He did actually admit that he didn't used to answer his phone because he "knew I'd be mad" !! He said "I knew you'd shout at me so I'll wait till the morning"! I tried to explain that that actually only made it a million times worse!!

In the end I told him that that was enough, I wasn't going to put up with it, it's completely disrespectful to you as his dw, he's not a single guy with no responsibilities but if he wants to be, to keep doing what he's doing cause that's what will end up happening!

[shhhh]

forgot to add hd,it seems that even though dh knows he's doing things to piss me off etc he still does it.

"Yeah I know it pisses you off,BUT........." As though he continues to do it regardless. In fact one of our many discussions I have in fact said to him that imo him going out and saying he will be ome by 7pm/11pm/2am BUT actually arriving home at 5/6am is on a par of sticking 2 fingers up to me..

[shhhh]

Wow Thanks everyone...!

mtpw,our situation is very similar to yours and believe me I have tried to tell dh how I feel. BUT it seems to make no difference. He just replies "I don't intend to make you feel like that" etc. Thats it..! It doesn't seem to hit home with him that I am upset or concerned with this situation or how close I am to ending it all...

I agre it is drasitc to think of ending it over this BUT it is something I feel strongly about and imo its unreasonable being out so late each time. Believe me,if you were in the same circumstances you would to start to ask qustions.

The man,Yes I am usually in bed BUT not always asleep as I do tend to worry till dh is home. The states he gets into and the situations he exposes himself to still are worrying and as his dw I worry totally aout him. Adult or no adult, he's still vunerable. Am I supposed to not worry..BTW the fact that its a joint home etc makes no difference imo. I don't feel that should stop me from walking out o asking dh to give me a break..In all honesty im a sahm so some could say I contribute nothing so what rights do I have...... Lots is my reply..!

muppetgirl, those are my concerns... Apart from issues over his nights out I feel we are happy as h&w and as parents. Sure we have stresses like anyone BUT his behaviour does worry me....BTW this isn't the 1st time he has gone out minus me....WITH OU FRIENDS. Also I would say 90% of he time when asked to go out as couples he turns down the offers. YET if asked out alone he's ALWAYS up for it. Maybe he is embarassed of me..? BUT conversations never seem to reflect this,in fact he regularly says out of all our friends we are the most suited and have the best relationship.

God im lost now.

[shhhh]

Wow Thanks everyone...!

mtpw,our situation is very similar to yours and believe me I have tried to tell dh how I feel. BUT it seems to make no difference. He just replies "I don't intend to make you feel like that" etc. Thats it..! It doesn't seem to hit home with him that I am upset or concerned with this situation or how close I am to ending it all...

I agre it is drasitc to think of ending it over this BUT it is something I feel strongly about and imo its unreasonable being out so late each time. Believe me,if you were in the same circumstances you would to start to ask qustions.

The man,Yes I am usually in bed BUT not always asleep as I do tend to worry till dh is home. The states he gets into and the situations he exposes himself to still are worrying and as his dw I worry totally aout him. Adult or no adult, he's still vunerable. Am I supposed to not worry..BTW the fact that its a joint home etc makes no difference imo. I don't feel that should stop me from walking out o asking dh to give me a break..In all honesty im a sahm so some could say I contribute nothing so what rights do I have...... Lots is my reply..!

muppetgirl, those are my concerns... Apart from issues over his nights out I feel we are happy as h&w and as parents. Sure we have stresses like anyone BUT his behaviour does worry me....BTW this isn't the 1st time he has gone out minus me....WITH OU FRIENDS. Also I would say 90% of he time when asked to go out as couples he turns down the offers. YET if asked out alone he's ALWAYS up for it. Maybe he is embarassed of me..? BUT conversations never seem to reflect this,in fact he regularly says out of all our friends we are the most suited and have the best relationship.

God im lost now.

[LoveMyGirls]

Well said MTPW - I agree 100% communication is definately the key to a happy life. HD - can see why you're a happy daddy! Happy wife, happy husband and happy kids!

I once worked in a bar and an old bloke used to come in at lunchtimes one day he said he'd been married 60yrs i said whats they key to success? He said it was communication and keeping the wife happy He was right!! (though it does go both ways and i do what i can to make dp happy too!)

[HappyDaddy]

when dw does something that pisses me off, I am an expert at muttering under my breath. Or I make very sarcastic comments about "if I did that you'd go mental".

nice to see you, too, btw

[mytwopenceworth]

well HD (hi btw long time no see , when your other half does something that pisses you off, you can't start off by assuming that it's them that's being unreasonable!

Ask MY dh!

[LoveMyGirls]

theman - i didnt say kick him out for good i meant kick him out while he realises his family is more important than going out til stupid o clock every couple of weeks.
Personally if my dp thought going out with his mates was more important than our family then i wouldn't still be with him, it's about compromise and togetherness, telling people at a wedding that his dw didnt want to come is very unfair, he should have wanted her there and causing a row just so he could go to it on his own was a ridiculous way to behave, i remember the thread at the time.

It's not "my way or the highway" either, he has a choice as to wether he decides to put his family first, every choice shhh's dh makes is up to him, he doesnt have to go out like he does, but he does have a responsibility to his dw and children and he should take it seriously it is obviously affecting thier relationship, which he should be putting ahead of his social life, shhh is not saying he can't go out at all or even moaning about the frequency like i would be doing, i think she is being quite good about it all really.

[HappyDaddy]

Surely, surely, surely the fact that it pisses you off is an alarm bell that would make him be more reasonable?

If dw isn't happy about something, I don't do it. Why would I want to piss her off on purpose? I do it enough, by accident!

[mytwopenceworth]

Ok. I can relate to this.

When me and dh first got married, he used to stay out all night. - there were a few things, I didn't trust him and I thought he was off with another woman, I could never prove anything, but I used to get so upset.

He HATED me ringing him up and yelling at him, accusing him of stuff, or even just moaning at him.

I used to say that if he loved me, he wouldn't want to go out. I thought that he was staying out away from me. I felt rejected.

He felt mad that I used to ring him up and bitch at him and that I'd start a row when he got home, so he stayed out later.

We were at loggerheads.

I thought he didn't want to be with me, he thought I was trying to control him.

It took about 3 YEARS!!! of fighting over this before I said look, I really want to tell you how I feel. Please listen to what I have to say.

Then I told him. I didn't tell him he shouldn't stay out, didn't tell him anything about what HE should or shouldn't do.

I told him about ME. I felt unloved, I felt like I didn't matter, I felt rejected. I felt upset when he said he would be home at 9, but didn't come home until 4 because I interprited that as a message that I didn't matter enough to keep a promise to. I felt upset when he turned his phone off so I couldn't call him.

I said I REALLY wasn't trying to control him, I just felt he didn't want to spend time with me and it hurt because I love him. I told him I feel taken for granted and I don't matter to him and I didn't feel respected.

He was AMAZED. He told me it had nothing to do with how he felt about me. He just liked to go and have a drink, chat, be out in the world - hear the news! He did feel, however, that he didn't want to come home because he knew I would yell, so he stayed out 1 to show me I was not his boss, and 2 because home was not a nice place to come back to.

We realised we had wasted 3 years getting angry because we had made assumptions about each others attitudes.

And he started phoning me, letting me know where he was. In return, I stopped getting cross because he was out, because I changed the way I viewed him being out, and what message I thought he was giving me.

Now, if he wants to go out, I wave him off and say have a nice time. I go to bed and see him in the morning.

He almost never goes out!!!!! Says it's different, if he wants to he knows its no problem. If he does go, he keeps phoning me so often I get fed up!

A while back we went through a blip as a couple - I posted on here frequently about what a bastard he was , but he wasn't, not really, we were just stressed over lots of things and not really considering each others feelings. We're over it now.

Ok. the point is, you can't tell someone how to behave, they are only going to get mad. It comes across like you are trying to control them, like they're a child.

Don't ry to lay down the law and don't give him either/or options. Tell him how you feel. Not how he makes you feel - because that is still not really what you need to convey.

When he stays out past 2, why does it upset you? He's still drunk either way, it's not like you can do anything with your evening either way, it is a night out either way, so why do you feel upset?

What is it about an all-nighter that you fear/that hurts you.

Tell him that instead. He needs to understand you better.

I hope that makes sense, I don't know how similar your situation is, but it rang a bell. It might be way off, I don't know. Anyway, I hope things work out well for you, and you find a way forward that you are both happy with.

I really want to put a kisskiss on the bottom of here. Dear god in heaven!

[theman]

"if he is unwilling to put his family first then i would be kicking him out"
love this my way or the highway attitude. can't see it coming back to bite you in the ass at all.do you really want to break up a family over 2/3 hours every fortnight when she is asleep anyway?and in the thread i read nowhere about her owning the house outright and not contributing to any bills.why would he leave just because you decide he should?

[muppetgirl]

'

From shhhh

'..there have even ben times (his friends wedding etc) where we were both invited, dh insisted he didn't want us to go so we didn't...he changed his mind 20 mins before he stormed out.ALONE. Oh and I was 7 months pregnant at the tim and not able to contact gp's to babysit dd. Turns out he told our friends I had decided not to attend.'


This sounds like someone who doesn't want to go out with you, who tells a few 'porkies' and someone you don't trust.
Sorry to say this to you

[madamez]

FFS! Just because one has DCs one is not obliged to turn into a tedious housebound couch potato. It's not like he's going out every night and never giving you any help. What he chooses to do with his free time is his choice, not yours. You're not his mum and he's not your property. Agree on equal amounts of free time, sure, but allow him to do what he wants, not what you think he ought to do. How would you like it if he insisted you spend your off-duty time knitting or going to church because that's 'appropriate' behaviour for a woman of your age?

[LoveMyGirls]

Havent had chance to read the whole thread but my advice is to put your foot down, reasons for me would be because hes spending money drinking etc when he could be saving it for a nicer family life, secondly its disruptive and unfair on you and the children and if he is unwilling to put his family first then i would be kicking him out (until he learnt his lesson that i mean it)

We all need a night out now and again but this is far too frequent. My dp goes out once a week to play footie or round to his friends he is home by 11ish (on a weeknight) if we go out at weekends we go together, if we can't go together we either don't go or whoever is closest to friends goes out, eg this weekend i am going out with 2 old school friends, we couldnt get a sitter because its dps birthday next weekend so are saving it for then, i offered not to go, dp insisted i go, he knows i wont spend lots of money or come home really late and that i will help with the children the next day)

[theman]

i don't really see what is annoying you about this other than the fact you don't think he should be out till 5/6 but 2/3 would be fine, you don't seem to have any reason for this?
i'm presuming your asleep anyway? you also says he gets up and does family stuff the day after,so it's not as though he is coming in so late that he spends the whole next day hungover and lying in bed not talking to anyone.if he is able to get by on such little sleep and he is out anyway what difference does the 2/3 hours make?
i mean if it was a frequecy issue or something then i'd aunderstand your argument.but arguing over two hours where you and the kids are asleep anyway just doesn't make sense to me.