Do we have an "NC" (no contact) thread going on at the moment?

[WaterBird]

Apologies if one still exists, but I couldn't find one going. There were some on here earlier that I found very helpful reading when going through my situation.
I'm on day 55 of NC. Sadly, this isn't the first time. However, with this new year I am feeling very determined, especially when I just found out he did some inexcusable things when we were together.
I had previously let him get to me with pretending to be "nice" but now I refuse. The only part I am actually finding challenging about this NC thing now is that I sometimes want to message him to tell him how bloody angry all of his actions made me feel.
Just thought we could use this as support for going NC.

[mjvb123]

Thought I'd check in.
I'm on day 4 of complete 'cold turkey'. Which for me, means not engaging in conversations that involve his name being mentioned, not looking at social media, and not looking at my photos of him.
It's now been three months since I last saw him, and in a week it will be three months NC.
But strangely the past 4 days have been when I've really felt myself consciously making the decision to 'let go'.
I think I've previously said, as times go on that even in my weak moments when I've been desperate to reach out, my pride has always stopped me. I hate the idea of looking more ridiculous than he has already made me feel. I cannot let him have that power.
I did get the chance though to explain properly to our mutual friend, what had really happened. And he was great, and very sympathetic, he is not impressed with my ex's behaviour. It was nice to feel I had some 'back up'. He also told me the reasoning behind telling me not to 'fall off the radar'. My ex apparently said he was thinking of messaging me before Christmas, so I guess hasn't 'moved on' like he previously stated to our friend.
He didn't of course, but it did make me feel better knowing this, as I was in a bad way before Christmas.
Anyway, I don't expect to see or hear from him ever again. And maybe that's for the best. I've spent so much time torturing myself and opening up old wounds. But I've realised cannot undo the past. I can only move forwards. And that's what I intend to do.

[WaterBird]

Also, I apologise for starting this thread and not contributing towards it too much. I haven't been married before so don't really feel qualified to give advice about that. But I applaud you all for going NC.

[WaterBird]

@DidSomeoneSayBunny
Thank you. I think the part that I am struggling with the most is the knowledge that he will be just as awful, if not worse, with other people he is seeing, and as the abuse was almost all verbal and emotional, I don't have any proof.
I'm still fairly young. We were 19 and 20 when we were "together." I read other posts and realise that his ability to abuse others when his financial situation improves will probably escalate, as then he will be able to spend more money on them.

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

water - I am glad to hear that you’re moving on well and that your anger has dissipated. I think for many anger is an unhealthy emotion but for me personally it really helps and it’s my weapon against him.

MjV none of us are blameless in any of this but try not to be too hard on yourself because he clearly isn’t owing any of the blame. I used to constantly blame myself but really, all I did was love him and he cheated and lied over and over again. Sure I wasn’t perfect but nothing I did warranted his behaviour towards me, nothing and it’s likely the same for you.

My advice would be to just gently dip your toe into the dating water, I was full on with someone after I split with my ex and it fell apart quite quickly, I’m lucky I’ve been given a second chance but the first time around I wasn’t ready. Ahhh the games, I felt like I’ve been in “ready player 1” for the last 6 years, a puppet to the master. Try not to riase your hopes for reconciliation just in case it doesn’t happen. And think of it like this, if he were to come crawling back would you really want a man like that in your life?

We are worth so much more than this.

[mjvb123]

@Didsomeonesaybunny
I know, but he's left me with so much blame. It doesn't sound like he's accepted any responsibility on his part. As far as I'm concerned, it's a definite 50/50.
Ahh, I don't know, sometimes I think it comes down to being a human and having needs! Not always the person in which is meeting those needs!
Thank you, I'm really enjoying it thus far. It's definitely helped a little. I just worry that I might do a bit of 'transference' with my feelings, as I miss the excitement and the joy of being around someone.
But I recognise that, and know I will be able to avoid it.
I have wondered if a little game playing has been happening, through one of our mutual friends. He knows we are still friends, and is apparently 'very pleased'. I'm wondering now what he's said/done to make said friend say what he did last week. This same friend told me, just a month after we broke up that he had 'moved on'.... it's not very consistent is it?!
@WaterBird Good to see you back here! I'm pleased to hear you've managed to stay NC. I have done two months so far. I think the longer you go, if you think rationally, you see that the longer you've left it, the more ridiculous you will look if you were to break it.
But you're so right about the effects on MH. I felt like I was turning a corner at the beginning of the year, but have suffered a blip since hearing my ex is possibly moving away, and been fed some false hope that he is going to magically reappear.
Trying to get back on track, the support on this feed helps so much. Thank you for starting it x

[WaterBird]

Hi all, sorry I haven't been back in awhile. I'm still going strong this time around.
I admire these of you who initially ended it. I think that arguably this makes things slightly easier, because I really understand the lust.
I think that the mutual friend question is always difficult. In my situation, he and I had largely separate friend groups. We only have one friend in common and neither of us are super close to him, so we just don't talk about the issue.
Initially, when I started this thread I was really struggling with anger. I'm not as angry anymore. I acklordedge the things he did were awful and I am still NC, but I decided to "let go" for myself more than anything, because I recognise that staying angry is not very good for MH.
Good luck everyone.

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

MJV - try not to blame yourself, whilst none of us are perfect you aren’t to blame for his actions. I used to waste hours agonising over what I could have done differently to keep him but the truth of the matter was nothing I could have done would have changed the end result. Countless women before and after me suffered in exactly the same way which validated everything for me.

I’m not really sure why I find my ex remotely attractive, most people would describe him as unattractive and very aged. It’s hard when you feel that way though, honestly I know. The best feeling in the world is when you are strong enough to reject them, it takes a long time but I was forever taking him back or having one off sex with him and afterwards I just felt worthless and used. It just wasn’t worth it.

Great news on the job and channel some attention towards the eye candy, honestly it’ll serve as a nice distraction.

Re friends keep them all and talk to them about how you’re feeling. It’s so hard not pressing send on a message/email when you reminisce it the good shit but once you’ve sent it you’ll feel deep regret. Either he will reply and he will just cause you misery or he will
Ignore you to further his game playing and you’ll feel stupid and worthless. I have been there so many times.

[mjvb123]

@Didsomeonesaybunny I'm so pleased for you, that you have reached this stage of knowing your worth.
I feel at times I have reached this, but find I can so easily slip back. I'm proud of myself for 'owning' and therefore realising where I went wrong (but then I've had an awful lot of time to think!). But I am full of blame, and hate myself for losing something that meant so much to me.
Hahaha!! Sorry! 🙈 There's no better expression! I admit I still fancy the arse off of him, and if he were to knock at my door and offer it (with no explanation, of course, that's his thing!) I wouldn't turn him down.
I don't know, I mean at the new job there is some eye candy, and because I'm naturally a very flirty person I've been enjoying the 'banter'. The job itself is going well thank you, I couldn't have had a better start. I was very much lacking in confidence beforehand, but it seems to be coming back.
You're right about friends. I couldn't give them up - they have helped me through this really tough time. And though they offer a link to the ex - I can't turn my back on them, because they didn't to me.

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

MJV - I just need to keep reminding myself of his evil when my mind wanders to happier (or so I thought) times. Yes I realised I needed to get a grip and stop using him for self-validation because he’s nothing and I’m pretty alright actually. Honestly I don’t know how he could walk away from his baby, he wanted her more than I did and then to just shack up with someone else and leave, well, that is the mark of the man. He simply has no conscience and is unable to love. He is good at the lust game but actual love, nah, he is clueless.

I literally just spat my coffee out at fanny gallops. I think that was why we were together for so long, the sex. He wasn’t actually amazing in bed but he was able to get inside my head in a way that made it great. In hindsight I wish I’d kept my ex as my fuck toy instead of progressing to a full boyfriend, I much preferred him back then. I try and push out those thoughts, I feel so visceral towards him now I don’t think he’d have the power to turn me on anymore.

I how is the job going by the way, have you started it? Hopefullly you are able to direct some attention to that diverting it away from him. My ex didn’t have any friends so I didn’t have that problem but that doesn’t seem fair on you but if it helps then maybe that’s a proactive step. I just always feel like you can never have enough friends.

I found that being with someone else helped me immensely and even though he’s away a lot when he is here I can just lose myself in him. The sex is also very good with new guy. Have you thought of dating?

[mjvb123]

@Didsomeonesaybunny Aw gosh, he really sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'm sure you probably have times when you'd like to say that to him.
I think you're right, he was very lucky to have you, and that is not a big headed thing to say - that's knowing your worth. Which I think is a really important thing, and something as humans we can so easily put aside when we are trying to appease someone we love.
I really hope he does F-off back to the states, so you can be truly rid of him. And your DD, who deserves so much better than him. It still makes me sad though, how could anyone not want something to do with their own flesh and blood? 😔
Oh god yes the LUST! I've been majorly suffering recently from the fanny gallops! 😆 We had a very intense attraction, and the sex was good. Very good. I have thought about it a lot recently, and I do miss that part of the relationship so much.
I'm so annoyed as at the beginning of the year, I felt like I was starting to slowly turn a corner. Starting my new job, and a new chapter. Then BAM! He's stolen my thunder, and I feel like I've taken ten steps back. I'm trying to draw a line under this set back. I've even thought about cutting ties with mutual friends, just so I'm not reminded. Because I'm wary, that this could keep happening. But that feels so sad, seeing as they clearly still want to be friends with me, and why should I lose their friendship too? 😔

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

MJV - it’s hard to explain, I think deep down I’ve always known what a sociopathic bastard my ex was, so many people told me over and over again but he was so skilled at manipulating me into thinking I was crazy/insane I was often left not knowing what was real/fiction. Recent events have proven with absolute certainty that he’s insane and evil to the core. Having a second person saying the same thing you’ve been harping on about for years made me feel exonerated and it was a relief.

As for his demise I continue to be disgusted by his actions but yes the fact he’s bitterly unhappy does give me a certain level of satisfaction does doctor evil laugh ha! He could have had everything with me, I was so incredibly loyal and would have done anything for him and without sounding like a total narcissist he was very lucky to have me. My self worth plummeted when I was with him and there are still days when I feel like total shit but ultimately when I think of things objectively I KNOW that what he has now doesn’t compare and he’s so unhappy he keeps trying to claw his way back to me. The satisfaction of hating him is immense. Anger is a really good emotion for me to tap into. I’ve re-read emails he has sent me processing undying love and now know the truth and realise it was just bullshit and lies so every time my mind wanders to a happy memory of he and I it’s interrupted with me telling myself that it wasn’t real and it was all fake else he wouldn’t have been texting other women and sending pictures of his cock wretch. He’s about to lose everything and I’m glad, perhaps he will F off back to the States. Ok that’s my vitriolic slur out of the way ha.

The holding out for contact is the worst. False hope is a bugger and keeps you hanging on. Your friend has probably not done you any favours in saying that to be honest. I can totally relate about the passing of time, you can feel really angry in the moment but a few weeks/months pass and that anger dissipates and is replaced with longing (I’ve been there so many times). But keep tapping in to the anger because it’s a healthier emotion for you than lust and longing. Keep thinking about the bad stuff he’s done and when you catch yourself reminiscing quickly remind yourself of the bad. It works!

[mjvb123]

@Didsomeonesaybunny
I remember you saying that you can now see your ex for what he is. So are you getting satisfaction out of how much of a hash he's making out of his life? Sounds like he 100% deserves it, and karma has prevailed. I am so sad for you and your little girl, but by all means I admire your strength and think your DD is a lucky to have such a strong mama.
I felt like when we first broke up, I was so full of anger and pain, that the blinkers had come off and I was seeing him in a completely different light. But as time has gone on, and I've 'owned' my side of where things went wrong, it seems the blinkers have come back and I blame myself completely.
Though I do know, that he didn't treat me well in return.
Our mutual friend although helpful for giving me little bits of info from his side. Hasn't actually helped this past week, because when telling me about the details of the leaving/not leaving, he told he believed that 'in time' the ex would talk to me. I said that I had accepted I would not get an explanation and I am therefore committing myself to 'falling off the radar'.
To which our friend said 'Don't feel that way just yet...'
When I asked why, he said because I was winding myself up, and the the 'universe is a magical force'.....
Great, so I've been fed some false hope that the ex will magically reappear one day.
I told said friend that too, but he said it wasn't false hope 🙄

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

minnie welcome to the thread. Sorry to hear about your break up, your ex very strong to be the one to break it off so well done. I think you’re right to do it if you do want children and to get married. Years down the line you’d likely feel resentment towards him if you stayed together.

Mjv - ha, it was incredibly bitchy of me but I just couldn’t help myself. Well he hasn’t met her, he wanted to come back but knowing what I know now I wouldn’t spit on him if he were on fire and he sees the baby and I as a weird, messed up package deal. It angers me that he doesn’t love her because she’s amazing but actually, deep down I’m glad because I wouldn’t want his sociopathic tendencies infecting my daughter.

I think you’re right - don’t beat yourself up when you have a bad day, it’s perfectly normal you just have to get through it. Every day that passes is another milestone. Well serves him right if it’s going to mess up his life, take a bit of pleasure in that. My ex’s life has spiralled out of control over the last year. He’s on the cusp of losing his job, his family despise him and he is facing imminent financial ruin. It doesn’t help that he keeps buying his women expensive jewellery.

I know you want to give him an earful but don’t give him the satisfaction, let him screw up his life royally.

[mjvb123]

Welcome @Minniemee! Sending lots of love and strength to you.
Hopefully you will find NC will help in this initial stage of a break up. I found the first month quite easy, as I was so full of anger and pain. I broke it quite easily on a night out to drown my sorrows though! I didn't get a reply to that, but I've managed stay NC since.
I've found lots of support on this thread, I hope you will too x
@Didsomeonesaybunny
Don't worry! Oh you've made me laugh with your 'sturdy piece of fluff' comment 😂 Has your ex showed any interest at all for his daughter? If not, then yes I would say it's a good thing that he could be off!
Yes I'm still having bad days, where I'm feeling my emotions to the fullest. But I realise I'm human, and these things take time. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and love someone.
I had more info on the ex's potential move last night, from our mutual friend. And now I have all the details, I KNOW he is making a huuuuuuge mistake! Yes of course, I have that tiny part inside me, that doesn't want him to go. But from what I've learnt, I think he is doing something so irrational and I just can't believe he's being so stupid!!! I got so wound up, I wanted to tell him exactly how much of an idiot I think he is. But I let my anger subside, and our mutual friend managed to talk me down. Though did tell me he does think 'in time' the ex will talk to me..... Arrrrrgh!! 😩

[Minniemee]

Can I too join the NC thread? I am precisely 18 hours and 22 minutes into NC. I broke things off with my partner after he told me over Christmas he didn't think he ever want to get married or have children with me (we've been together 3 years). I also found out he'd deleted all traces of us off social media and was constantly on his phone. After a long thread on here, all of the fabulous ladies encouraged me to end it and I finally got the courage on Friday. He's at his mums now. He has been messaging me with the 'I love you so much BUT I don't know why I have doubts or why my head doesn't want me to be happy'. So I've decided to go NC, but all I've done today is cry 😔

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

MJV sorry I haven’t been on. I hope you are feeling better today. Totally normal to have bad days. During the first few break ups I was awful. It’s good to cry. Hmm - that’s a tough one and I suspect you’d prefer it if he didn’t go to Germany but honestly it would be better if he did, completely out of sight and out of mind. My ex is about to get sacked from his job and I’m praying he’ll take himself and his ‘sturdy’ new piece of fluff to the US. Not because I feel I’d want him back but so that I can guarantee my daughter will never have to endure him or his damaged brain. My advice would be not to contact him and try and cut yourself from looking at SM.

An aquaitance of mine has been giving me exceptionally good advice and a reality check and it’s helped immensely. Not seeing him or his SM has made things so much easier.

essex - I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that you ex has decided not to bother with the DC. He may come to his senses and actually start acting responsibly. My ex kept leaving me for OW and I always blamed myself, didn’t think I was good enough etc. We are good enough though, try your best not to ask him to come back, he needs to do it of his own volition and do you really want him back? I know how hard this is, honestly I do. Do you have support IRL?

[mjvb123]

How is everyone getting on?
I agree with @Onacleardayyoucansee - @essexmum2019 start a thread of your own (when your ready and can find the words) you may find more people who have gone through/going through a similar situation. Hugs to you.

I've had a little bit of a development - today I've learnt from a more reliable source, that my ex may not be leaving after all. It's 'up in the air' apparently, as he can't decide what he wants and whether to make such a huge step.
Our mutual friend has told me that he is trying not to influence his decision. So is leaving it to him to make his mind up.
This makes me feel a bit better, as it cools off the temptation to talk to him. And may also explain why he hasn't said anything to me himself yet. (Though I know this sounds ridiculous, seeing as he isn't talking to me anyway.)
But at the same time, I kind of wonder if I did talk to him, I'd be able to help him make a decision (either way). I guess that's the part of me, that still cares so wants to help?!

[Onacleardayyoucansee]

Hi @ EssexMum2019
Have you thought about starting your own thread so you can get better support?

Is anyobe supporting you in real life?

Sounds like he started disengaging way before now, and has had loads of time to adjust/make this decision.

Well done for staying NC, sounds like hes dumped everytgibv on you to play the field.
What a shit, honestly.
Dont you feel angry?
Im furrious on your behalf.

Please start your own thread so mumsnet can suplort you better.

[essexmum2019]

I stayed strong yesterday so that's now 2 full days of NC although I really really want to.

I want to ask him what is worth leaving a comfortable home, 2 kids and a wife who'd do anything for you at great expense (divorce is going to cripple us both) without even an attempt to fix it.

I want to ask how he can have walked out a week ago and not made any contact with our eldest (10). She has her own phone. I want to ask how he hasn't been desperate to see our 18 month old who is changing daily.

I want to ask him what the OW (online) offers that I don't. I want to ask him why he can't contact with her if even to see if it makes him realise what he's losing.

I want him to know he's broken me. I can't eat or sleep and I'm just going through the motions every day.

I want him to come back 😥

[mjvb123]

@essexmum2019 Gosh does your ex sound petty.! Have you got anything you can do today to keep you busy? You are right in the midst of your break up. So it will feel very raw still, and you are allowed to feel emotional/vulnerable!
I'm struggling today too. So I pray for strength for us both x
@Didsomeonesaybunny I've actually woken in tears today! How pathetic! I think because having the new job this week to as you say 'throw myself' into, I haven't really processed the news I got earlier in the week.
I was made redundant from my last job, so I've had a couple of months in between. Perfectly timed with the ending of my relationship!
Congratulations on your little one, I realise I haven't said that yet. I'm sure having them gives something to focus on and remain strong x

[essexmum2019]

Really struggling this morning. I think the week has been easier because I've know he were at work and now he's got a free weekend and I keep going over in my head whether he's with someone else while I pick up the pieces of our life with two kids.

[essexmum2019]

Thanks @Didsomeonesaybunny -I've done 24 hours now. Finding it so so hard, especially as we're away and he's going to pick his stuff from the house.

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

essexmum - sorry to hear about your ex, it sounds like he’s processed things very quickly and as for the social media update - he needs to grow up, I mean who does that after a long standing marriage? I can imagine that hurt a LOT. NC is bloody hard but worth it in the long run, it clears your head and enables you to move on far quicker than if you were in communication imo. But I get that it’s hard.

MJV - hope you’re feeling a little better today. Every day that you are NC you are getting that little bit stronger. Take his power away by filling up your day so that you aren’t consumed by thoughts of him. It’s precisely what I’m doing. Currently on maternity leave so I can’t throw myself into work as I would have once done but instead I’ve signed up to a myriad of classes (art, pottery, more French lessons, spin classes, running and cycling club). It’s really helped divert my mind on to more productive things. The naval gazing had to stop.

I enjoyed a few drinks with some mum friends this evening and spent only 5 minutes slagging off my ex. Progress.

[Onacleardayyoucansee]

You might love him, but you have to love yourself more.
And prevent him from dicking you about.
Let him realise what losing you means.
Which is what NC does.

Changed his social media profile to single.
Dickhead.

[essexmum2019]

@Onacleardayyoucansee he left for a week in late November but came back with the intentions of working things out, and it seemed we had, until Sunday. He's definitely made his mind up- told family, changed his wages being paid to joint account, changed social media presences to single, taken wedding ring off etc.