I can’t accept my partners vasectomy which he had before he met me.

[Emmeline2]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship. I have no children but I really want to have my own child. (I’m 31, he’s 36. We have been together 3 years. He wants children with me)

Before my partner and i started our relationship, he told me he had previously had a vasectomy but would be able to get it reversed. I wasn’t happy with this and told him that I didn’t want to get into a relationship with someone who had a vasectomy as it was very important to me to have my own child one day. He told me that if I wanted a child so much then i would be better off with him anyway because ‘at least i know he has been able to have children’. Naively in lust at the time, i began the relationship, fell in love with him, and fell in love with his kids.

He had his vasectomy reversal a year ago. We have recently discovered that his reversal did not work. Our only option would be to have IVF with ICSI, which is obviously very expensive. We have decided to not go on holiday etc for some time in order to fund this. Which I really do appreciate him doing. And he says that we will have two shots at treatment and then if it doesn’t work we will need to get back to our life as it is just now as it isn’t fair to his children to suffer and miss out on holidays etc because of us paying for treatment.

My problem is, i had (naively) not imagined us being in this predicament. I’m not sure i can get over the fact that I might never have a baby because he previously had himself sterilised so that he could have unprotected sex with his ex wife. I could deal with infertility if it was due to natural causes. But I really can’t accept the fact that I might never have a baby for this reason. I know I’ve been stupid by getting myself into this situation.

I also feel like i am now resenting him and i am snapping at him because i feel so angry, which really isn’t fair on him. I just feel so lost and devastated. My current behaviour isn’t fair on him and I’m worried that we spend all this time saving and if the treatment doesn’t work i know I’ll be unbearable for him because I don’t think i could cope with a decision he made in his past which could take away the one thing i want in my future. I know I’m being selfish unreasonable but how do i get these feelings out my head when they are so strong. I love him so much but at the same time I’m being a terrible partner by having these dark feelings of anger.

[Snowymountainsalways]

If my kids started to miss out because my ex wanted to start another family with his gf then I would be livid and very hurt for them

This is a very selfish expectation. We don't know on what grounds dp and his ex split up, and holidays are a bonus not a necessity. Your post sounds very entitled.

[Musereader]

If you have no known fertility problems is there no way you can just pay for the extraction of sperm and inseminate yourself? why have to go through the hormone treatments, extraction and implantation?

[SummerGems]

I can never understand these people who enter into relationships knowing that there is a high probability that children will not be on the cards due to previously known and disclosed fertility issues or sterilisation and then see it as a sudden dealbreaker when it turns out that children are not going to happen due to afore-mentioned known issues.



Honestly, you knew that he’d had a vasectomy before you entered into a relationship but you did so anyway. He had the vasectomy reversed and that didn’t work which was always a high possibility (vasectomy reversal has a low success rate) you’re having IVF at great expense (which also doesn’t have a high success rate) and you’re resentful of him?

I can only imagine the responses if this had been a man’s reaction to a woman who couldn’t have children when he got together with her and she’d been honest from the start and he was now saying that he was resentful.

Ultimately you need to decide what is more important. If you walk away from him now and it turns out you can’t have children anyway will you regret walking away from him? Because there are no guarantees, and tbh I think that if you’re prepared to walk away from someone based on the fact they were honest with you from the start and you’ve decided you can’t deal with that years down the track then you likely don’t love him anyway and the relationship is over.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

This is a very selfish expectation. We don't know on what grounds dp and his ex split up, and holidays are a bonus not a necessity. Your post sounds very entitled.

This is my point, regardless of why he and his ex split up, if his children have had holidays up to this point with their dad then why should they have to stop because he has met someone else who wants a baby?
I can assure you I'm not entitled - my husband of 13 years had an affair with someone 12 years younger and I am 10 months into rebuilding mine and my kids lives as a result. If he were to tell our children that they couldn't go on holiday for the next 5 or so years because he would like to have another baby with his girlfriend then yes, I would be very upset for them.
As it happens it's ME who works hard to afford to take them on holiday and do things with them that they would have done and did do before their Daddy decided to uproot their lives for a better offer, because this was not their fault and it's never the kids fault, regardless of the reason for a split.
That does not make me entitled, but it does make you quite rude for making that judgement about me.

[Fishandthechips]

Honestly, and this might not be a popular opinion, but I would end it. You need to decide whether having children is the most important thing to you. If it is then you have plenty of time to meet somebody else and have a family of your own. You could try the fertility treatment, find it doesnt work and would have wasted time which you wont get back.
Likewise, he could find somebody else who doesnt want children and have a relationship where resentment doesnt build. Resentment will kill a relationship dead anyway. Fertility treatment is such a huge amount of money and not a pleasant experience. I really wouldnt want to go through the potential heartbreak of that if I didnt have too.
I know leaving would be difficult but when the stakes are as high as having your own longed for child, I think I would have to leave.

[diddl]

Like a pp, I'm pretty gobsmacked that you stayed with him when you knew about the vasectomy.

Surely he did that because he didn't want any more kids at all?

[welshweasel]

When I met my husband he was very upfront about the fact he'd had a vasectomy (his kids were 11 and 14 at that time) and we talked very early on in the relationship about whether he'd be up for trying for another child, which he was.

Because his vasectomy was more than 10 years previously we were advised not to bother with reversal, especially as I also have some gynae issues that would make it more difficult to conceive naturally.

We were extremely lucky to have a successful round of IVF, which resulted in DS, now 2.5 and I'm currently pregnant with one of the frozen embryos from that round. Physically I didn't find it that traumatic, but it is expensive - we used a very mainstream UK clinic and have spent 14k (one fresh round, one failed frozen, one successful frozen).

[bengalcat]

He sounds like a lovely guy and a great father . I'd suggest you see a counsellor to talk around the struggles you're having - either use the one at the private fertility clinic you will use or find an alternative practitioner .

[ShatnersWig]

This is a problem of YOUR own making, not his, and I think you are being incredibly unfair in having any feelings of resentment towards him. YOU wanted children. YOU knew he'd had a vasectomy. YOU chose to continue the relationship. He loved you enough to go for a reversal in the hope of giving you what YOU wanted.

I don't want kids. I appreciate that is a dealbreaker for the majority of people. So I wouldn't date someone who wanted kids. And I bring it up right away. You wanted kids, you should have walked away the moment you knew.

[IrianOfW]

I think some counselling might be in order. Whether your feelings are fair or not they are your feelings but they will poison your relationship eventually if the IVF does not work.

From the outside I cannot see that anything your bf has done wrong. But that won't matter if you can't shift your perspective or find a way to deal with the pain.

[vanitythynameisnotwoman]

If he doesn't mind the child not having "his" genetic material, I think marrying and having natural cycle IUI with donor sperm is going to be cheapest.

But I agree that he's giving up a lot and his children come first in the way that any existing children come first.

[slkk]

Hi OP. I was in exactly this situation. Ultimately I decided that I was prepared to risk not having a child so that I could be with him. Once I fell for him, I knew I didn’t want to have children with anyone else. I was also in the fortunate situation, like you, of loving his children. I knew that even if I did not manage to have my own baby, I would still have a family life and holidays with kids etc. My dh’s reversal also failed. In the end we adopted an adorable, if challenging, little boy. So I got my child, just not the way I expected. My family is such a blend of adopted, steps, exes. Definitely not the family I planned or thought I’d have, but definitely the best. Maybe if this doesn’t work for you, Give yourself time to grieve your dream family, then look forward atbtje family you have or can create, and it may be just perfect. Good luck.

[Chrisinthemorning]

Infertility makes you a bit unreasonable- totally normal.
I think the crux is - does he really want another child? Is he just saying that to please you? Obviously at some point he decided his family was complete.
I think you need to have some difficult conversations.
If he has changed his mind and desperately wants another child, do the ivf and agree a back up plan of sperm donation. The costs of holidays- well he can take his kids to a static caravan for a few £100 - nothing when you’re discussing ICSI (ours was £6k, wasn’t as hideous as the infertility and we now have DS). You’ll probably have to accept stopping at one (all the best people do ).
If he doesn’t then it’s decision time for you- do you love him enough to accept not having any children of your own? Or do you sadly end the relationship?
Good luck!

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

I honestly think you need to call time on the relationship or make peace with the fact you may never have your own child (or his biological child).

Your DP has done everything you asked, but has said that he won’t continue limitless IVF as this means his existing children will suffer. Unless you can make peace with this, the likelihood is that this will cause the resentment to build massively.

[RachelTeeth]

100% agree CaptSkipp 👏👏👏

[Weejo39]

ICSI at your age should probably be quite successful. I have a colleague who went through this for another reason. Be prepared for multiple births though. She had triplets!!!!

[Rach000]

Can you get a loan to pay for it or I am sure ivf clinics offer payment plans / finance. Would be worth it for a baby sooner. As the sooner you do the better the chance but you are at a good age and if your fertility is good with no issues it could work. My sister had icsi earlier this year due to male fertility problems, she was similar age to you and had no major issues herself and it worked first time and they were able to freeze some embryos to use in future.

[BMW6]

But OP even if he had not had a vasectomy in the first place you might not conceive with him!
You could walk away from this relationship and not find anyone you want to have a family with, or you might not get pregnant for any number of reasons - or no reason at all. Sometimes there is no medical reason why conception should not occur, but it just doesn't.

I think you would benefit from some counselling, as this issue seems to have become all-consuming, and you are being unfair IMHO.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I completely get your resentment towards him. My DH had a twisted scrotum and a testical removed as a teenager. From the start of our relationship he was confident all would be fine as the doctor had said there would be no problems. We eventually conceived our DD, after 2 years but have not managed any more. It ate away at me and I was very angry at him about it...,

I have a 4 year old son who had to have a testicle removed when he was 2 years old.

This post scares and upsets me

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

You have a lot of resentment towards your partner. You have resentment for his contraception choices while he was married to another woman, which imho is not reasonable.

The feelings in your head that are so strong is actually your gut talking to you, and telling you to leave. You made a mistake starting/continuing with the relationship when he was honest about his circumstances. Perhaps your resentment would be more accurately directed at yourself for believing his reassurances? As you have found out, agreeing to a reversal of a vasectomy doesn’t make it so. Does that seem to intensify your resentment of his original decision to get it in the first place (about which he can not do anything more)? You can beat him with that stick forever...how convenient - except it will destroy the relationship.

You were adamant about your boundary of having children but then turned right around and skipped over it. Now he has placed boundaries and you may find more resentment when you find he won’t brush his aside.

Imagine you do have a child with him. Will you resent him when it all is “been there done that” for him while you are trying to get him to participate in precious first born milestone miracles? Are you going to resent him when he goes off doing activities with his older children, leaving you home holding the baby? What about newborn fatigue- this would be the baby you wanted so much so you do all the night shifts: more resentment?

Will it get to the point, if not already, when every time you see him with his children, you will feel resentment towards him because he has his but you don’t have yours?

If you can not see yourself making sincere peace with fact you may not have a child in this relationship then you should leave, imho. Your dp can not be blamed for having the snip before he met you.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Sorry to post about my own post...
Skipping over it ..I mean he had a vasectomy (!). That’s a pretty black and white answer (no) to having kids-a little lip service smoothed over that Jersey wall ... so, ok, that’s fine then. I think you are finding out you were fooling yourself (or he was fooling you?).
Leave.

[7salmonswimming]

It’s not a helpful thing to say, but you kind of brought this onto yourself.

At 29 and just starting to date someone, I went to a gynecologist to find out - from a professional - what my fertility status was. The full works. I was preparing to either tell the guy (if the relationship looked like it was going anywhere) that I would need to get on with having kids very quickly, or let him know that I very likely couldn’t/ definitely couldn’t have kids. It was fair to us both at the time, especially as he was a little younger than me.

You should have done your research before you got too deeply involved. If your goal is to have children of your own, you need to be with a man who can have them! That’s not to say that IVF won’t work for you, and I believe (although don’t quote me), that your odds of success are greater if you’re fine and thean’s sperm is healthy.

I’d just get on with saving as much as possible and quickly as possible. In fact, at 31, I’d borrow (ideally from family) to maximise my chances. In the meantime, work on your resentment. It’s not his fault. You can’t blame him for this.

[tattychicken]

The thing that feels a bit "off" to me is where you say he told you you'd be better off with him as he had shown he could have children? Or something like that. My husband has had a vasectomy, and both of us got told very clearly, repeatedly, that the procedure should be considered irreversible, that the odds of a successful reversal were very slim.

I am sure he would have been told the same, and if he didn't explain that to you clearly at the beginning of the relationship, I feel he has been a bit disingenuous. Mind you, a quick google would tell you that too.

[AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight]

I'm with sunshineandflipflops and Andthebandplayedon, and tbh a bit at the PPs egging the OP on in her sense of being hard done by by airily declaring it doesn't matter if the existing dc don't have holidays for a few years because she wants a baby. Look at this from the (potential) perspective of those children. Daddy can't take us on holiday or do nice things with us because he and SM want to replace us. Drastic way of putting it, I know, but children can think like that.

Also completely at the poster who resented her dh for having had a medical emergency as a teenager. What unimaginable self-absorption.

OP - it seems you (both) wanted the relationship so glossed over all the potential problems, he told you what you wanted to hear and you were all too ready to hear it, but you clearly didn't discuss what would happen if the reversal didn't work. This is a deeply unfortunate situation, but resenting him is misplaced. You need to have a proper, thorough conversation with all the options on the table and the potential consequences of all of them (and his existing children missing out and feeling hurt and resentful is a real possible consequence).

[Olderbyaminute]

To the PP who chided the OP for “Not doing your homework” if you read carefully the man in this relationship told her he could have his vasectomy reversed the onus and blame is not on her only how chauvinistic