I can’t accept my partners vasectomy which he had before he met me.

[Emmeline2]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship. I have no children but I really want to have my own child. (I’m 31, he’s 36. We have been together 3 years. He wants children with me)

Before my partner and i started our relationship, he told me he had previously had a vasectomy but would be able to get it reversed. I wasn’t happy with this and told him that I didn’t want to get into a relationship with someone who had a vasectomy as it was very important to me to have my own child one day. He told me that if I wanted a child so much then i would be better off with him anyway because ‘at least i know he has been able to have children’. Naively in lust at the time, i began the relationship, fell in love with him, and fell in love with his kids.

He had his vasectomy reversal a year ago. We have recently discovered that his reversal did not work. Our only option would be to have IVF with ICSI, which is obviously very expensive. We have decided to not go on holiday etc for some time in order to fund this. Which I really do appreciate him doing. And he says that we will have two shots at treatment and then if it doesn’t work we will need to get back to our life as it is just now as it isn’t fair to his children to suffer and miss out on holidays etc because of us paying for treatment.

My problem is, i had (naively) not imagined us being in this predicament. I’m not sure i can get over the fact that I might never have a baby because he previously had himself sterilised so that he could have unprotected sex with his ex wife. I could deal with infertility if it was due to natural causes. But I really can’t accept the fact that I might never have a baby for this reason. I know I’ve been stupid by getting myself into this situation.

I also feel like i am now resenting him and i am snapping at him because i feel so angry, which really isn’t fair on him. I just feel so lost and devastated. My current behaviour isn’t fair on him and I’m worried that we spend all this time saving and if the treatment doesn’t work i know I’ll be unbearable for him because I don’t think i could cope with a decision he made in his past which could take away the one thing i want in my future. I know I’m being selfish unreasonable but how do i get these feelings out my head when they are so strong. I love him so much but at the same time I’m being a terrible partner by having these dark feelings of anger.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

It would irritate me that he was even talking about holidays when you are suffering so much. This must be very hurtful that he is talking about kids holidays and you can't even have a baby. What was he thinking!

He already has children from his previous relationship so why on earth should they miss out on family holidays because their dad has met someone else who would like children?
Yes, i think that a compromise is sensible and fair, such as cheaper or less frequent holidays if they are used to regular ones but in my opinion the children you already have should always come before those you would like.

[StateofIndependance]

Look at different clinics and the payment options they have. There are some more affordable ways of doing it. Egg sharing could be an option too. Then there’s donor sperm. If you want a baby act quickly. Age is on your side at the moment.

[PaulDacrreRimsGeese]

If you're having feelings that you accept are unreasonable and selfish and you're struggling to cope with them, surely that would seem to suggest that you need some help from a professional in the field? Agree with the posters who've suggested you think about counselling.

[Snowymountainsalways]

He already has children from his previous relationship so why on earth should they miss out on family holidays because their dad has met someone else who would like children?

Because it is incredibly insensitive to talk about holidays. It is about priorities. And clearly this is a dealbreaker for op, what does it matter if they don't holiday for a few years?
The children you already have are only more important if they happen to be yours.

[Notacluewhatthisis]

Personally if you go down the route of having off, and then leaving him if it fails. You need to make him aware of that, then he has the choice of what he wants to do.

And think about yourself. While you have saved, then gone through 2 course of treatment, then leave him, then find someone else , get to know them long enough to know you want kids with them, how old will you be?

I get that you feel resentful. But you went into this knowing situation. And wether he wanted unprotected sex with his, then, wife is non of your business. I think you need to deal with those thoughts and resentments first.

If this is a deal breaker for you, I think you would be best leaving now. He is right to think of the kids he already has. But he is willing to make sacrifices and give it a go. You need to remember that.

[CinnaMessala]

“And he says that we will have two shots at treatment and then if it doesn’t work we will need to get back to our life as it is just now as it isn’t fair to his children to suffer and miss out on holidays etc because of us paying for treatment. ”

What?! So he feels his kids going to the beach or Disney is more important than your want of a baby and your own child,

I would be telling him he can fund this out of HIS savings and you will give it a try or you will end it now.

What a selfish cunt.

[angstridden2]

Can’t believe the poster who resents her partner for a childhood twisted testicle! You do know sperm comes from both sides don’t you? My partner had the same issue and we have had several children...your fertility issues are likely to be the on the female side or a combination of both or even just random.

[Bombardier25966]

@CinnaMessala You're calling a man selfish for wanting the best for his children. Whatever the OP's wishes for the future, that shouldn't be to the detriment of his living children.

[sproutsplease]

I don't think your DH is being selfish, he he trying to balance your needs and wants with the needs and wants of his DC.
That said I had IVF with ISCI and I do get how strong the desire for DC can be. IVF comes with counselling and I would use it to talk this stuff through.

[sproutsplease]

Our IVF clinic was very clear that we should have all of our IVF attempts before I was 35 and my age started impacting our fertility issues, so you have time but not that much of it.

[AcrossthePond55]

Go ahead with your plans BUT get counseling now. If your tries aren't successful you will have continued to build resentment during that period and it will be to the point where there will be no going back. If you start counseling now and your tries aren't successful, you will be in a much better place to deal with that AND to make your decision as to what you want to do at that point.

Don't think I don't understand. I do. I ended a marriage because ExH announced after 3 years that he never wanted children. He was also abusive, but the no children was the straw that broke my back. And I made a conscious decision to NEVER get involved with someone who didn't want children, nor would I have gotten involved with someone who had had a vasectomy.

Your feelings regarding his vasectomy are massively unfair. Presumably it was a mutual decision between him and his ex as they both felt their family was complete. I had my tubes tied for the same reason and if someone held that against me I would dump them.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

I can't have children because of something that happened when I was 18 that I had no control over. I'd be pretty upset if my husband resented me because of it.

[Saltedcaramelcake]

I'd leave him if I was you, find someone without kids who can (hopefully) have them. He told you at the beginning he'd had the snip so you were aware that having kids might not be possible with him.

He can't spend all his money on ivf treatment as he has 2 children already, they are a priority for him whether you like it or not, they aren't going to go away just because you want a baby of your own. He's said he'll cut back with his own kids to have 2 shots at ivf, that's fair enough. It's good that he is telling you up front that he only wants 2 goes, at least you can decide now whether to walk away rather than being led to believe that you can keep on trying until it happens.

[Stillme1]

I don't really understand your view. You have a partner who had a vasectomy and therefore can not have children in the normal TTC way. Many people have struggles to have children. I know of a couple and the woman had about 12 pregnancies including spending several of those flat on her back in a hospital not even allowed to go to the bathroom. Another couple spent years struggling when a problem was traced to an illness and radical treatment meant that one was infertile but alive! That was the point for me. There had been severe illness but the child survived and lived into adulthood. This was a real person not the dream of one day having a baby.
Are you sure that the only reason for the lack of children is your partner's vasectomy? You may also have a problem.
Live your life and enjoy it. Do what is reasonably possible. Don't live in hope of a dream. Be glad that you have found someone to love and who loves you.

[Annandale]

I would press on with counselling and ivf asap but would avoid egg sharing. I think your thought processes around this are already quite extreme and im not sure you would find it possible to cope with the thought of an egg of yours making a child that doesn't live with you.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Because it is incredibly insensitive to talk about holidays. It is about priorities. And clearly this is a dealbreaker for op, what does it matter if they don't holiday for a few years?
The children you already have are only more important if they happen to be yours.

But they ARE his and should therefore be his priority! Fine, the two of them missing holidays to fund treatment is perfectly understandable but why should be the children he already has miss out on things that they would otherwise and previously enjoy?
If my kids started to miss out because my ex wanted to start another family with his gf then I would be livid and very hurt for them. None of this is their choice.

[pallisers]

This is such an unreasonable thought process. It islike you actually think he was selfish and should have predicted his marriage would end and he would meet someone and agree to have kids one day. It's one of rhe most selfish thought processes I've seen written on here.

I disagree. It isn't particularly logical but her ability to have a child with her husband is affected by a decision he made for the convenience of him and another woman. Of course it isn't logical but it is an emotional response and I don't think it is fair to call it selfish.

When we were finished with having children we discussed dh having a vasectomy and i thought it better not to on the basis if anything happened to me, he might eventually meet a woman who he loved who wanted a child of her own. We were young enough at the time. I didn't expect to die and I didn't expect us to break up (we haven't - 18 years later) but I did think forward to other possibilities.

OP, like others have said you have one last shot, then you need to decide if the need for your own child is paramount and whether you can get that by sperm doner or simply by leaving and meeting someone else.

[BruceAndNosh]

What?! So he feels his kids going to the beach or Disney is more important than your want of a baby and your own child

Why WHAT?
of course his existing kids should not do without just cos Daddy's girlfriend wants a baby.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but honestly - vasectomy is meant to be a permanent thing. It's not meant to be Turn it off, Turn it on.
You should NEVER assume that vasectomy reversal will be successful

[CaptSkippy]

I don't understand this at all. You have a great relationship with your partner and his children, which you are now almost a third parent too.

Yet, you resent him because you can't have a baby of your own? Do you know how rare really good and loving relationship are? Why does having to get pregnant have to trump everything else in your life that is good?

I know this a presonal prejudice, but I'll never understand why people get so upset for being somehow unable to push out a child of their own. There are over 8 billion people on the planet and any new generation will have to deal with a ton of shit, that will we, thankfully, miss out on because we are older. I am talking global warning, polarisation in politics and an erosion of the human rights of people marginalised throughout history. Why would you even consider subjecting yet another generation to all this crap?

Yes, I am fully aware this site is called mumsnet and that this forum is a support group for mothers and those wishing to be. I'll fully accept any flaming in my direction for what I just posted.

[pompomcat]

OP I mean this kindly (and as someone who is currently having counselling) - I think you might need counselling to help you with the feelings you're experiencing now, if you can't put them to rest.

As previous posters have pointed out, it sounds like you have a committed DP who was willing to undergo a reversal to have a child with you and is supportive of going through ICSI with you-please don't be down on him for choices he made before he met you, you can't hold those against him. I hope you will be happy with him, don't let this spoil that-and I wish you every luck with ICSI.

[ittakes2]

You can't course help how you feel - but since it is affecting your life I think you would find counselling helpful. You have met a guy who was prepared to commit his life to his first wife....he is one of the good ones. You have met a guy who is a great father...its what most mother-to-be want. We had infertility due to my husband having an undescended testicle - if IVF hadn't worked I would have been prepared to use donor eggs or donor sperm to get a much wanted baby. But I would never have left my husband because of it even if nothing had worked because I see him as a life partner not just a sperm donor. I can image if you said you wanted a baby at any cost and your hubby is saying you will only get two goes...that must be upsetting for you. But there are a couple of things. 1) Say to him if the two goes doesn't work will he accept you using donor sperm? 2) The eggs of a woman under 35 can correct a male's dodgy sperm - as long as you don't have any fertilty issues your self - there is a likely a good chance you would conceive in one to two goes. Just make sure you do some preparation to increase your chances: i.e.

• get both your bloods tested for correct vitamins levels (for example, if you don't have enough zinc the embroy won't implant)
  
• both to take fertility vitamins for at least 4 months before a treatment (worth mentioning that 500mg of vit c twice a day for a male is apparently better than 1000mg once a day when it comes to sperm)
  
• make sure he's not carrying his phone in his pocket
  
• find a good cranio oestopath to check your hips are aligned (sometimes misaligned hips can tug on the womb)
  
• both get checked for STDs (free at the NHS sexual health clinics - you'll need an all clear written test of some diseases before IVF anyway)
  
• for you to find a good fertility acupuncturist and see them for about 4 months prior to treatment as well as have it on the day of implantation).
  
• go to a good clinic with a good success rate for your age group like ARGC - expensive but you might find better chance of success first go.
  
• also, I would imagine the expensive bit is removing sperm from his testicle. You would only need to do that on the first go - if you need a second go they would use frozen sperm.
  

My hubby's sperm was so damaged we also had to have icsi and we fell pregnant with twins. Good luck

[RomanyRoots]

As a pp said the odds aren't good for reversals, you obviously didn't do your homework, you can't just have a reversal and father children.

In your situation all you can do is walk away, it seems like his family is complete now, and the reason he had the vasectomy.

[newtlover]

What Roomba said x100 I would view him having the vasectomy as a sign that he is a decent bloke who takes his responsibilities seriously, if that makes any sense? He married intending it to last for life and took it seriously (not saying most people don't, buyt I've genuinely spoken to guys who've refused vasectomies just in case their marriage ends in future). He didn't take his marriage lightly and tried to be reliable and responsible, which reflects well on his character, iyswim. He did it for the right reason at the time but now circumstances have changed.
why isn't donor sperm an acceptable solution?

[subspace]

Definitely get yourself booked on some counselling for yourself. I'm so sorry that you're hurting, and I totally get that emotional reactions can have little to do with logic, but I think how you're feeling is being unfair. You knew his situation when you got with him, I don't think it's fair to hold against him something he did with previous wife, when he presumably always expected to still be with her. He didn't get a vasectomy to shag around irresponsibly, he didn't do it to spite you, his future partner, quite the opposite. So yes, some counselling to get your head around it all and do the "it's not fair!!" Cry/scream/wail/shout, whatever you need to do bit somewhere/to someone that isn't him, because that would be terribly unfair and unkind. Best of luck. Xxx

[Jux]

I think you should walk now. You're not being fair to anyone, yourself included.

All those things you look forward to having with your own child, you're stopping him having with his.

It'll hurt for a while but you'll get over it, and then you'll meet someone who doesn't already consider his family complete.

It would probably be a good idea if you went to counselling now anyway, to get past your unreasonable anger and maybe find what it so important about having your own baby when you have two lovely children already.