This is what could happen if you stand up to your EA partner

[97sunnysideup]

Hi Everyone, Sorry, long post. I have had some amazing support on MN about identifying whether or not my partner is EA or if I am the one who has the issue.

I have tried a couple of things over the last few months to discover whether 'If I were more assertive, would the EA go away?' I would like to share, I hope they might help someone.

1. So, I always thought I stood up to my EA partner but when I looked closely, yes, I was arguing back when he was unreasonable, I was explaining what had hurt my feelings, talking him down from a rage and asking him to apologise, then feeling like that was a win. But what I wasn't doing taking ACTION to show him that I meant what I was saying.
   

Note: To do this I had to accept that he may shout and storm off or go out or threaten to leave and try to make me feel insecure about that I had to be strong and remember he was only doing it to try and regain control. It helped to imagine what he might say to me before it happened and have a response prepared. I often get sucked into whirlwind ridiculous arguments otherwise. (He is not physically abusive, I don't know how a physically abusive partner may react so please no one put yourself at physical risk)

I have now started doing this. For example instead of hugging him like he always asks me to do once he has eventually apologised (though I often not meaning it, just to get me back onside) I now say 'No. I cannot just forget the things you have said/done and I need some space.' I then take myself off for some space instead of giving him affection to reassure him after the argument, when deep down I'm still hurting or frustrated. One day I even drove 2hours to Wales to see a friend with my son! I knew he will be in a mood and that I will get silent treatment or he'll storm out and get drunk, but I don't care I now try to show an action when I stand up for my boundaries. Much like you would with a toddler.

1. I have invested time in myself. I joined slimming world. I made contact with friends and instead of hiding my phone while I was talking to them via text to prevent the usual interrogation, I did it in front of him, like a regular person would. It was a revelation. And when he asked who it was I just tell him, in a relaxed tone. 'It's ... we're talking about going out or dinner next week, which will be nice.' I wasnt doing anything wrong afterall. I then may get silent treatment but stopped caring (ref point 1).
   

The result? He is becoming unravelled. I am not proud of this but it seems to be what is happening. He is feeling increasingly insecure and accusing me of things all the time, he quicker to anger and trying to use his old tricks more often but I'm not buying them. Which is making me feel stronger and stronger the more I see his old self-returning. Yes his reactions still make me feel sad, but for myself for being in this situation rather that sad in a way that I'm looking at myself negatively.

I think now that instead of him getting better (though I do feel he has tried) I was the one who had been getting better at preventing a reaction from him.

My goal was not to hurt him, I wanted to know I had tried every option before leaving because he has brought many positive things into my life as well as sadness. He helps me and is supportive in many ways, as I help him. He has improved and recognised some of his behaviours, but I don't know if it will completely go. The EA is often very subtle, where it used to be blatant. Sometimes he is amazing / sometimes he is vile. Like two people.

Being 30, don't think it's worth the risk as more and more years pass by. I am finding it hard to forgive the bad things that have happened between us, so don't think I will ever be truely happy with him.

I hope these things that I have done can help something for someone. EA is such a confusing thing. I am feeling strong at the moment so decided to write this. It may all change over night and I may fold as I have done many many times but I am determined to stick with my personal goals and life that I am regaining and see where it takes me. Maybe with me being more confident, he will gain control over himself, but I'm not counting on it.

[97sunnysideup]

pudding21 thankyou. I just feel like I want to be able to know that I have tried everything. Well done for going through all you have and coming out of the otherside, you are amazing!

I know that I am not happy. Even that should be enough to leave but always plagued by the thoughts that it's my fault. I have decided to leave, he was working away so thought I would talk to him on his return.

He came back told me that he has organised lots of surprises for me throughout April! He is also being exceptionally nice - on the surface, this situation looks like I am very lucky so I do feel ungrateful but I can also see the cycle. I know I don't want to be in this relationship because the happiness doesn't last. He's talking about our future and my heart drops to the floor, thats not how it should be.

I think he is taking me away this weekend. If I'm honest I am waiting for an opportunity to get out I can then ask him to cancel all the things he has planned. I'm going to look like the biggest bitch on the planet. My plan is to then leave but I will have to stay in our house with him, living separately, while we sort out legal stuff, as I have nowhere else I can go and need to be close to my sons school.

As always, thank you troops

[pudding21]

97 You sound really sensible and lovely. I was you, I also tried what you did, it also got worse. Three years I tried, to assert my independence, to try ignore him, to try be overly nice, tried not to let it bother me, to let him sulk etc.

Last year was hell, ended up in huge arguments where he threw things at me, gesticulated to spit at me and one night it got physical for the first time in 21 years. He lost his grip and he knew it. I left in feb 2017, I am not saying it has been easy and he continues to try and assert his control over me in a passive aggressive way. We have 2 kids so its not easy.

Anyway, I am out, he is still miserable, but me and the kids are so happy. He has them every week, he is a reasonable dad with them, and they comment how much better he is than he was. I am the happiest I have been in YEARS! I am dating a bit, seeing my friends and enjoying 99% of my life. The 1% that is shit, is caused by him still but least i can walk away.

One thing I will say, is waiting around for the right time, doesn't help anyone. You just get into a cycle of fear, obligation and then guilt. Good luck! The Lundy book really helped me.

[97sunnysideup]

rememberthetime that must have been awful for you both, my heart goes out to you.

AnotherEmma Thankyou I have been trying really hard for a long time. I have also tried to leave, once I even got as far as going to a solicitor (we own a home together) but then the 'nice' side kicks in and I seem to forget all the bad things, like they never even happened and it was simply me overreacting.

I saw a counsellor who noted the cycle of abuse which is what started making me think more about the type of relationship that we have. After seeing your post I read some Lundy Bancroft last night and OH MY GOODNESS what an eye-opener. Particularly the parts about boys replicating this dangerous attitude. I am scared that my son has learned any of my EA partners ways.

And also I'm just so tired of all this. I go back and forth between 'Lifes too short for this shit' and 'maybe it's all me and this will only keep happening to me anyway' but when I see clearly the damage it could do my child then my own worries are no longer my driving force.

I am planning to act soon. He has made plans for my 30th that involve my family I think (and then made me feel bad about the money & time he has spent on it) so I thought I would wait until that had passed but not sure I want to wait now.

Phoning my mum today for leaving advice.

Thank you, you're all amazing xx

[NameChange30]

Well done for gathering your strength, starting to see him and his behaviour more objectively, and above all for being receptive to the advice and warnings on this this thread.

Have you heard of or read about the cycle of abuse?
Have you read any Lundy Bancroft? (“Why does he do that?”, “Should I stay or should I go?”)

I worry that you’ve had some unhelpful advice (“Someone once told me that it might get better if he saw I could stand on my own two feet so I wanted to try for the sake of all the good things we have.”) So I think it’s really important now that you seek advice from helpful sources. Read Lundy Bancroft. Call Women’s Aid (national or local). Talk to a counsellor if you can.

And please start making plans to leave safely.

[rememberthetime]

In the last year of my marriage I also started getting stronger (therapy helped). But he simply moved onto my daughter. he lost control of me but realised he still had a teenager in the house he could control. That's when I left.

When their trusted techniques of control no longer work, they tr you everything they can to get you back in line - just so they feel safe. Trust me - it's a waste of your time.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Sadly we see it all too often on here. I hope you don’t feel bad for believing that you were doing the right thing and had found a way to stand up against it. It’s admirable, but ultimately pointless when your partner is abusive.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Because there are great things probably about 75% of the time a "happy veil' shrouds us. He can be so thoughtful. But I know that in itself sounds ridiculous

Of course it isn’t ridiculous. If he were awful all the time there’s no way you’d stay. The fact that you’ve been trying to keep the ‘nice’ him at the forefront by tip toeing around him is completely understandable. Now decided you’ve had enough of his games you don’t need to manage your behaviour or his any more. Just take care of yourself and your DS.

Plenty of men will happily have relationships with single mums. But we are mor vulnerable when we’ve been abused to believe what we’ve been told.

Spend some time alone working out what YOU need and want from a relationship next time. Don’t rush into anything for the security that having a partner can bring. You can do this.

[Bloomed]

Get out!

[Iooselipssinkships]

I'm sorry but it's likely that he will want to punish you once he's got you sussed and changes tactic.
It's dangerous, it's already leading to violence with the phone. That will get worse during the 25%. Is it really worth it? Speak to women's aid asap if you can.

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

So your dc is not his, this is good, you have no ties to this abusive man. Turn the page.

[picklemepopcorn]

I would say, he is t 'thoughtful' he is manipulative. He shows flashes of care to keep you on his hook.

And yes, he is violent.

You know what to do.

[Adora10]

Your relationship is completely dysfunctional, whatever tactics you try, why you are even trying is beyond me.

You're also teaching your son that playing games and staying with a man who is abusive is perfectly normal, he will no doubt copy the same traits as your partner, it's all very sad and depressing.

Sorry to be blunt but why not forget the arsehole who you have to play mind games with in order to pacify him and put yourself and your child first and get you both in a safe and harmonious place, cos this is beyond normal.

[Ryder63]

Better disrupted schooling than a beaten down, battered mother.

[97sunnysideup]

Wow thank you so much, everyone, for your comments. I can't say how much I appreciate them. I feel devasted that I may have led anyone down this path and that it could end in violence so urge anyone reading this thread to read the comments and benefit from those more experienced than myself.

My dad was an alcoholic (not the violent kind, but still) and I guess I grew up watching my mum try to cope and help him (before she eventually left after about 20 years) which might explain my need to fix rather than flee... I have pondered on this. But I was surprised one evening when my partner shoved his phone into my arm, when I was ignoring his outburst - not so hard to bruise, but enough to hurt, so my eyes are now beginning to open to how this could escalate. His dad was violent towards his mum while he was young. He witnessed this.

My son is from a previous relationship and I guess I have been made to think that 'no one else would take us on as a unit'. I also worry that I would have to move house and this could disrupt my sons schooling etc which has already been disrupted with problems with his real dad (taa daa she knows how to pick 'em!).

I can see how I have been naive while trying to be strong. Someone once told me that it might get better if he saw I could stand on my own two feet so I wanted to try for the sake of all the good things we have. Because there are great things probably about 75% of the time a "happy veil' shrouds us. He can be so thoughtful. But I know that in itself sounds ridiculous.

Thankyou again everyone. xx

[picklemepopcorn]

Well done for rediscovering yourself. It's a hard thing to do. However, now you are feeling better, you need to plan to leave ASAP. There is nothing to say he won't become violent. Even if he's normally passive, think how many men become suicidal and decide to take their family with them.

Be careful.

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

Escalating control ime included;

sneaky sabotage violence (tripping up, dodgy car maintenance, punching in sleep etc)
using and hurting dc, refusal to parent
pregnancy and all the vulnerability that goes with it
telling everyone about made up mental health problems
financial abuse and control
excessive gaslighting

and that is just the obvious shortlist. Most abusers are way cleverer than a black eye or some broken ribs,

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

Seriously OP, get the fuck out of this right now. You are placing your child and yourself in danger. You probably won't realise how much until you are a few months free of this nonsense. Trust MN, free yourself.

[TalkFastThinkSlow]

Omg just leave, don't waste any more of your life on him

[SuperSkyRocketing]

When I saw the title of your post, the first thought that came into my mind was that he'd become physically violent and assaulted you. That's what would've happened if I'd done this to my EA ex.

I thought this post would be a warning as to why it's best to leave, not how you can manage someone else's abuse of you. Don't get me wrong, it's great you're feeling stronger but your post makes me feel so sad that you're having to create strategies to manage someone who's supposed to love you, just to try to stop them from abusing you.

Men who are EA can turn violent at any point to regain control. I think you're playing with fire here OP and, like so many other PPs, would urge you to get help to leave. His behaviour isn't your responsibility.

[PoorYorick]

Just leave. If you're at the point where you're trying experiments like this, and he's abusive, the relationship is dead anyway and you're better off just cutting all this crap from your life.

[ALittleBitConfused1]

I tried many different tactics to be able to live with my EA partner. At times, like you op, I thought I was making headway or had found a
successful coping mechanisms. What I was actually doing was showing him that he needed to find new ways to abuse/control me. Eventually after one particularly bad week where he abused and I stuck to my plan/controlled reactions etc he lost it completely and asuallted me over and over.
I've since been in therapy and have realised that while the physical abuse was traumatic and horrible the mental abuse was what caused the real damage.
You may think you are winning the war but OP you are actually loosing the battle. Your whole existence should not be about protecting yourself from abuse and mental torture. This will seriously warp your ability to have a normal relationship. Also the effect on your son will be incredible.
My ex suffered an abusive and volatile childhood. My childhood was similar it's not a coincidence he turned into the person he was and that I found myself in a relationship a violent alcoholic.
Please don't think he doesn't have the ability to turn violent. He is an abuser and once he determines his current tried and tested tactics are no longer working he will find another, more effective one
The only way you can live with an abuser is to not live with them.

[Thebluedog]

I did this right beforehand re leaving him. I felt stronger and stronger and eventually I was able to leave with no regrets. I strongly suspect this is where you will be shortly - good luck OP

One of the final straws for me was that I wanted to go out for tea with a female work colleague who I got on really well with. The plan was for us to go straight from work to a restaurant, have a spot of tea then I’d come home. My exh did not like me having friends or going out. But this time I decided to hold my ground. I told him if my plans 3 weeks in advance. During the 3 week run up to my outing he tried everything. He got angry, he threatened to leave me, he cried, he stopped talking to me for a week, he kicked me, he argued with me, he was super nice, he booked thing for the same day. The more I ignored and didn’t rise but stuck to my guns the more desperate and unravelled he got. He eventually told me on the morning of my tea that if I walked out the door not to bother coming home. I shrugged and walked out the door. I had texts and phone calls galore that day/evening then I walked back in at around 9pm feeling like Wonder Woman. I left him 2 weeks later. It was exactly what I needed to do

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You're simply trying to manage him and that never works. What you are doing here is not living at all and is a pitiful existence. Is that what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up?

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is really still keeping you with this man at all?. You want your son to grow up thinking re his dad that yes, this is how men treat women?. He could well become a carbon copy of his dad.

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

Sounds like a more elaborate way of putting up with the abuse?
Sorry to call you out on that, but you really do need to leave him.

[AthenasOwl]

Doesn't sound like you're standing up to him. Just sounds like another way of managing his behaviour.
Just leave, life is worth living and that's not living.