Should I get a divorce ?

[DodecahedronCat]

I’m hoping someone else is up at this time because I feel totally in despair and would appreciate some genuine advice.

Been with my husband 5 years, married 18months, have a 6mo DS.

Husband is 6yrs older than me and ( don’t crucify me for saying this) I’m probably slightly better looking ( or at least I was before I had a baby and didn’t have time to wash my hair!).

Sex life was amazing for 6 months then went badly downhill- hardly any sex for months at a time, initially because I had thrush which he caught and then he needed an operation on his penis due to complications! Once that was all healed still no sex. Tried talking about it but no improvement, tried therapy but not much help, tried viagra which worked but neither of us were in the mood much it was more a duty.

During all that time we were happy - a team.

We got married, bought the house and planned a baby.

When I was 37/40 we were clearing old stuff to make space for nursery and I found a bank statement of his with payments to AdultWork ( an escort website).
I confronted him, initially he lied but eventually it all came out.....

From 1yr into our relationship until I was 3months pregnant he was regularly using internet dating sites and escort sites and arranging to meet prostitues and other women. He had HUNDREDS of emails of a sexual nature back and forth to hundreds of women . They all looked pretty similar to me and his search history was all for women who looked a bit like me ( I’m mixed race).

Anyway needless to say I was beyond heartbroken , I was about to have the baby and I felt like my world had been torn apart .

Initially I threw him out but within 6hours agreed to try to see if we could work through it. Went to see a therapist together - had a lot of sessions until Baby was 3 months by which point I understoood some of the reasons.

He felt emasculated cos he couldn’t get it up and we didn’t have sex .... the sites were an ego boost, he never met anyone in real life ( not sure if I believe that, nor was therapist)..... he eventually stopped when I was pregnant cos he felt guilty .

We’ve been trying to work through things but we’re arguing more and more . My self esteem is rock bottom, and obviously having a new baby isn’t helping.

I feel like a shell of my former self, totally destroyed , ugly, small, weak, pathetic ... with no hope of regaining my dignity.

Husband is trying but I think he feels I should he over it by now . Currently he’s been on a night out and didn’t bother to tell me he’d be back at 1am when he said 11pm, I was worried and he came home and he argued and is now snoring on the sofa.

I feel such hatred for him.

Will it ever get better ?

I’m 28 and keep thinking if it weren’t for the baby I wouldn’t be with him, I’m young enough to start again?

I love my husband but my heart hurts and I don’t know what to do

[ChickenMom]

You’re only 28!!?? Don’t waste anymore time! Seriously. He was contacting prostitutes and you aren’t sure that he didn’t shag them. He could have caught anything and passed it to you. Herpes! If your newborn had caught that...he’s selfish and self indulgent. He will probably do it again. If you can only get off to that type of sex then that’s what floats your boat. He can’t change what gets him excited. Regular, after baby sex obviously doesn’t do it for him. I personally wouldn’t hang around after that. Dump and give yourself a chance of meeting somebody with self respect and loyalty

[Follyfoot]

"I went on AdultWork to arrange sex with a prostitute" said no man ever.

It's always about boosting their ego or getting a kick out of looking or titillation or feeling wanted but funny how none of them ever confess to actually having sex.

You are absolutely young enough and brave enough to start again and get away from this creep, he doesn't respect women, including you, and there's your reason to leave. I think you'll find that after what will be a difficult time initially, your self esteem will start to improve. All the best

[MinorRSole]

What he's done is a massive deal and speaks volumes about him as a person. He spent years buying women and only felt guilty when you were pregnant. I wouldn't want to be with someone who treated women the way he has you and with the attitude he has.

My honest opinion is that counselling would be a great idea - for you, after the divorce. Beforehand it's just you trying to accept his massive betrayal at the expense of your own well being and happiness. You deserve better than that.

[Perfectnight]

Do you actually even want sex with him? I think your feelings are normal.

When I read you were 28 my first thought was get out, you are too young to have to put up with that.

I agree with pp that it might not be the right time but when things settle a bit with the baby I think you should make plans to move on, even if that’s in another year or so.

[Nellia]

Google low cost counselling you may find some alternatives. Also see your gp they offer sex therapy on the nhs as well as individual counselling if money is the issue.

Personally I think what hes been doing is reprehensible. Using such services suggests an emotional void when it comes to sex not viewing women as people but just tools to help get him off is somewhat sickening no matter his motivations. I dont think I could be with someone like that. The fact thst they shared your ethnic mix/ look wouldnt sit well with me it would make me wonder if he was into me for myself or just obsessed with a type of woman that I also matched.

In terms of you being over it by now some books say it can take years for a spouse to get over betrayal esspecially if the betrayer shows no remorse and is in denial about the iimpact of what they have done. He needs you to get over it because he doesnt want to face up to it fully and accept he is flawed.
However what he needs isnt important you need to work out what you need and act accordingly.

[whatnextfred]

As the voice of experience I’d say save yourself years and get out now

[Stella60]

For the marriage to have a chance both of you need to be totally honest and committed to making it work. Not very encouraging that his response to a problem was not to confide in his life partner. Remember you found out,he didn't willingly admit. I wouldn't say it's beyond repair but there's a lot of work to do. Best of luck,difficult time for you.

[DodecahedronCat]

Thank you - I agree with what you’ve said .

I think you’re right that i shouldn’t make any hasty decisions, I am struggling with the baby as i literally haven’t left him since he was born ( EBF and cosleeping) no family support either. I feel quite overwhelmed so not sure if that’s making it worse.

I think we’ll have to go back to the therapis - she was good but at £50/hour I resent spending that money each week - we really don’t have it going spare.

Why are men so selfish

[toastyarmadillo]

Whilst you will never forget what he's done, it's possible to forgive what he's done.

Personally for me it's a deal breaker, and I wouldn't be able to get over it.

If you can't move on from what's happened then really there isn't much of a future for you as a couple. His continued behaviour just highlights there is serious problems in your relationship.

You are only 6 months postpartum, which may be affecting your judgement, I wouldn't make hasty decisions, perhaps some time apart would be beneficial. And further therapy would be advised.

He needs to understand his actions broke the trust between you and as a result, him going out and staying out for example are a much bigger deal than if you were in a normal healthy relationship.