How long do you sit in a dip for?

[Stuck2018]

I've posted before, under different names, and had amazing support.

I am 30, been with DH for 12 years, married for 3. Met at uni.

I had a breakdown last summer - my mental health spiralled. Never happened before. I started to reassess our relationship.

I realised I'm not very physically attracted to him, never have been really. I am much more attractive than him, but I never noticed this before. He is a good man, no abuse, He makes me feel safe, and maybe I repressed that side of myself because I am very much a 'do the right thing' person. Sex is ok, but not great. He is such a nice person, but I am realising nice is maybe not enough.

I have had counselling for 6 months. My mental health is better. But I feel like our relationship has run its course. I don't know if I could allow myself to get a divorce though.

How long do I wait this out? Time is running out for me to decide, and I suddenly feel rushed for time.

[username7979]

It sounds like you are re-assessing your situation. As you say mental health issues, which usually include seeing the world in a negative way (would this apply) might colour your views and feelings.
Do you feel you have turned a corner, or are you still not back to your full functioning self?
Maybe reconnection is needed with your husband so you learn to appreciate him again?

[Stuck2018]

Yes my mental health is much better.

It feels like my marriage is a doubt that's not shifting

[HeddaGarbled]

Speaking as a woman nearing retirement with a marriage of over 30 years, I want to say that a good, nice man who makes you feel safe is much much more valuable than him being as physically attractive as you.

If the sex is meh, there are things you can do about that.

I don't think there is a man or woman in the world who hasn't wanted to have sex with someone new at times in long relationships. And many many people throw away a lot to scratch that itch. And for some it works out well but for others it's a year of novelty sex followed by same old same old only with dented finances, housing, children, wider family relationships and friendships.

You've been having individual counselling. How about some relationship counselling?

[minipie]

Do you have DC?

I agree with the pp that "nice" is actually worth a hell of a lot. Easy to undervalue it until you've tried out a few not-nice men.

Leaving aside the physical, do you get on? Do you enjoy talking to him? Do you enjoy doing things together? Do you value his opinions and input on things, and he yours? Do you feel like he's a good partner - pulls his weight etc?

[BuckingFrolicks2]

Rushed for time? Are you thinking about DCs?

[highinthesky]

Classic grass is greener syndrome. If you don’t love your husband don’t hedge your bets. Be honest with him and let him live his life without you.

Better that than staying together when you are obviously so much better looking than him

[Albedo]

I don't quite agree with some of the posts above.

You got together when you were 18. You will both have changed so much the 12 years since. At 18 you don't really have a sense of who you are and for many people being in a long term relationship slowly merges your identity into a 'we' identity. If your relationship has run its course then that's not just ok it's completely understandable.

Don't be dissuaded by people telling you that you think the grass is greener or that nice is enough. If nice was enough then you wouldn't be posting here. Nice is the baseline.

I got out of an 11 year relationship at 29. Hardest thing I've ever been through. Me and my life are unrecognizable a year and a bit on. I'm now the person I was meant to be.

[BigGreenOlives]

I agree with Albedo, you got together very young and have married, most couples don’t marry as young. Split before you have children, it’ll be hard but better than splitting in 10 years time.

[TossDaily]

I didn't fancy my ex-husband either. It is important - very.

It's not the main reason we divorced, but since having a DP who I do find attractive, I can't believe the difference it makes to life.

You're still young - and so is he. There's no shame in divorce if that's what you really want. The real shame is spending your best years unhappy - like I did.

[peachypips]

I agree with PPs that a good man is hard to find- even more so now with Tinder bollocks everywhere. If it was me then I would spice it up instead.

Mental health probs can colour everything (I have bipolar) and it interests me that these doubts started when you were ill. Even though you said you are better I think this is possibly the root rather than your marriage.

[Teabay]

Leave him and find you.

Sounds simple, but it's only as complicated as you make it.

You wouldn't be writing on here if you knew you wanted to stay, would you? Plenty of people begin again and are rejuvenated at all ages, myself included (in late thirties).

Go for it - live as if this is all there is.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I don't know if I could allow myself to get a divorce though
That's an odd way to put it.
You can do anything to want to in life.

Would you be happy just being on your own for a while?
Finding yourself?
Could you agree to a trial separation?

This isn't working for you.
You don't love him and you don't find him attractive.
He's a good man so let him go and find someone who he is more compatible with.

[Stuck2018]

Thank you for all your thoughts.

I totally agree about how important kindness is.

No we don't have dcs yet. I really want children but not until I am absolutely sure I am with the right man.

I just don't know if I'm asking for too much in a relationship or if this is a light bulb moment that I need to leave for both of our sakes.

[minipie]

If you don't have DCs then that very much alters the equation for me.

Don't stay and have DCs with someone you're not sure about. DCs can strain the strongest of marriages and it's not fair on any future DCs to have them in a situation where you're already thinking of an exit.

If you already had DCs I'd be pointing the other way and saying it's not fair on them to split from their very nice father in search of something better than nice. (Although I know "stay together for the sake of the children" isn't a popular view on MN).

[Stuck2018]

I agree. We've been discussing children for the past year, he would make an exceptional father. I feel a sense of grief that I might have to destroy the future we promised each other. It's so sad. I have no idea what to do or how to make a decision.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Could you go fur some counselling?
Get your thoughts out there.
It might really help you make that decision.

[minipie]

I understand that grief. But if you'd end up miserable and/or splitting in the end, far better to do it now.

I have to say, if you're having doubts pre-DC I doubt having DC will fix them. Even if he is a wonderful father.

[Isetan]

So he’s not as hot as you are but you’ve only just noticed. Is it because you are now noticing men in your hotness bracket or because you think you deserve someone in your hotness bracket? Do you think that being in a relationship with someone not as attractive as you reflects poorly on you, does being with him diminish your attractiveness?