Tell me it gets easier !

[crackalacking]

Have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and he has lived with me and my 3 kids for a year .
My eldest son is at uni .....my boyfriend has a 5 year old girl who stays with us every other weekend.
My youngest son is 11 yrs old and we are waiting for a referral to see if he has aspergers.
My question is after a year things are still difficult ....my youngest son makes it very known that he doesnt like my partner and hates that his daughter comes to stay . He doesnt want to join in with any family time....for example going to the cinema or swimming . If it was just me and him he would come . Its very awkward and im embarassed by his behaviour .....does it get easier ? I would of hoped by now that he would be used to this and maybe of growed to like him and her.
My daughter who is 16 likes my boyfriend but does find having his daughter here hard ....she is always polite and talks to her but she has expressed to me that compared to them ( siblings ) she has so much and is spoilt by lots of people.
Will any of this improve .....im at my witts end.

[HipsterAssassin]

It all sounds pretty awkward but your dd seems ok. What have you done to ease the situation with your ds - can you not take your son out on his own? He needs one on one time with you.

Family time - well you aren’t A Family. You are two families trying to blend. And that takes time. Years. Kids are all different in how they can accept a new setup.

I would be concerned that ds ‘doesnt like’ your BF but that he lives with you. Did you know that before he moved in? Has he said what he doesn’t like? Is your BF parenting your ds or taking a back seat with him, going slowly?

Also you don’t say what your ds’ needs are
wrt his possible Aspergers. Could be that this impacts on things or not. What do you think? You obviously know your ds best.

[HipsterAssassin]

Do your kids have time with their own DF? When did you and he split? So many things can be impacting on the situation.

Having realistic expectation here is key.

[crackalacking]

Since me and their father split up 4 yrs ago he hasnt bothered to see them much even though he just lives down the road. I think alot of it is seeing how bf is with his daughter makes the reality hit home how shit their own father is . Its all very sad.
My boyfriend has really tried with him and is frustrated that nothing comes back ....my son will answer him back , doesnt listen to him and strops around making evrryone uncomfortable . Im not sure if thats his potential special needs or if he just doesnt want to be part of this new life. My bf is very alpha male ....he likes football , motorbikes and all manly stuff and my son just isnt like that he loves books , cooking, dr who and staying at home.they arent on the same page , bf asks him to help him build his motorbike and help him to do DIY projects and he doesnt want to join in.

[HipsterAssassin]

Your ds sounds lovely. The stropping - hard to know if that’s ASD and anxiety or if it’s not.

Your new BF sounds completely different from your ex. That is really tough. And may really wrong foot him.

I would say why doesn’t BF offer to do some cooking with him rather than make ds fall in line with what BF likes?

And you do stuff with ds just one to one..

Take the pressure off.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

From your kids point of view they are forced to live with 2 people that they dont particularly like or get on with (although your daughter does sound as though she is being polite FOR YOU) so it's hardly surprising there are difficulties.
Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel being told 2 other people are moving in and you would have to suck it up?
So hard and sad for your kids when all they probably want is your undivided attention if they very rarely see their dad.
Why can't your partner move out and you both carry on dating, after all you were only together for 1 year before he moved in?

[crackalacking]

How would him moving out help !!! That is not the answer .i want to know how i can make it all better .we are at some point wanting to get married .we adore each other and have grown so much as people , we are a team and have done so much in a year. I do give my kids one on one time and realise that i have to take up the slack their dad has created.

[MiMi78]

The problem is, is that you've tried to force a blended family on your children. And you are coming across the usual kicking back and resentment.
Most of us would find it awful living and being forced to spend time with people we don't want to.
It's your sons home too, do his opinions count for nothing?
Your posts illustrate that you see your wants as priority, and you want to get your children on board instead of actually listening to them.

[TwitterQueen1]

I don't understand why you seem to think everyone should get on really well and be happy all the time. And not just you to be fair, but everyone who thinks blending families should just work.

Your partner is just an interloper to your children - as is his daughter. You're not a family and it's unrealistic to expect your DCs to behave as if you all are.

[dumbolickous]

There's no such thing as a blended family.
It sounds so cosy but it's the wishful thinking of the parents.
Crack on though. 🙄

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

You didn't answer the question.

How would YOU feel being told 2 other people are moving in - that you don't particularly get on with- and YOU are expected just to suck it up?

Because that is exactly how your kids are feeling.

Your partner moving out would help YOUR kids at the moment though wouldn't it? And if they do get to like him and his kid more him moving back in could be discussed again later on, with your kids actually having a say in it.

I'm guessing this isn't the answer you are looking for though.

[GrooovyLass]

My DD has aspergers. I've been with my DP for 7 years since she was 11. He has not moved in, nor will he be doing.

Apart from the fact that we're both happy not living together, DD and DP get on with each other in small doses. He is loud and chaotic, she is quiet and orderly. She has to have routine and when he's here he'll do such heinous things like sitting in her place, going to the loo before her etc. It wouldn't work.

I know you already live together so that horse has already bolted but you need to look at how disruptive this arrangement is for your DS and minimise that as much as you can. Your DP is your choice, not DS's.

Also your DP trying to get your DS to join in things that he likes but your DS isn't interested in isn't going to work. Can they find something they both like to do? My DD and DP have amazing conversations (and heated debates!) about music.

[HipsterAssassin]

My dd also has Aspergers. I’ve been with my BF for two years. Our respective kids have barely even met. There are many different ways of conducting things. No right/wrong way. But some ways will cause more disruption and discomfort to kids than others.

I have to say though if your 16yo dd is ok with things that’s no mean feat! Credit where it’s due.... she might be spot on re the 5yr old being spoilt. And that’s ok.

[crackalacking]

Of course i would find it hard initially but its been a year so i would of hoped it would of settled down . I had a 17 year marriage to their dad many of those years were unhappy . He had a horrible gambling addiction which ruined all trust between us not to mention i had to go bankrupt because he kept stealing my credit cards. Any how i took ds out today just me and him and spoke to him about how to make home easier for him.he thinks that my bf shouldnt try to parent him as he isnt his dad and so we will try this. Its just sad that the ideal family i would like us to be is unobtainable .

[tenterden]

Its just sad that the ideal family i would like us to be is unobtainable

Yes - this is what you have to accept. Did you not realise your DS didn't want to live with your DP before he moved in? I would never impose a blended family on my DC if they were this unhappy about it.

Why couldn't you just carry on seeing your boyfriend but not live together? Once you have children, particularly if they have additional needs, then those needs have to be prioritised. It's not just the boyfriend is it, your DS is having to live with an unrelated child as well.

[HipsterAssassin]

Yes. The ideal family here is unobtainable. That ship has sailed.

Good that your ds is able to tell you what will make it better. Sounds like BF needs to take a step back and let you do the parenting. This is not a nuclear family and shouldn’t be treated as such.

Sometimes I think when there is a lot of hurt from a previous marriage, it is almost tempting to ‘right the wrongs’ with a new partner. But those wrongs can’t be righted. ds’s father can’t be replaced. You can only move forward with everybody’s history, loyalties and feelings in tow.

Great that you and your DP are strong and happy, hopefully you can make it all work with some adjustments.

I am in similar circs and think about maybe buying a house in three or so years. But it’s a massive undertaking and very complex and expectations need to be realistic. It might not happen for us.

[crackalacking]

In the beginning they got on great but as my son has got older it seems to be difficult between them....but this isnt always the case for example right now they are having a great chat about bf's time in the army.

[GrooovyLass]

I really do think that you moved your DP in far too quickly. After a year would be very quick for a nt child never mind and asd one.