Are there any good men left?

[Winosaurus]

I’ve not had the best history with men (a cheat, an abuser, and walked away when I was pregnant) but I’ve always cling to the hope that their are wonderful men out there because I have happily married friends, wonderful male family members etc who have kept the faith alive.

In the last week I have found out some devastating news that my best friend’s husband and also my cousin’s husband have both cheated and their marriages are now over.
I know this is not really my heartbreak to feel so deeply but I do. These 2 amazing women who both thought they had such happy marriages and families have had their worlds come crashing down. I feel sick and hurt for them.

But the one thing that sticks out to me is that I always assumed it’s unhappy men that cheat... but in these situations it doesn’t seem to be the case? I know you can never know what goes on behind closed doors but for all intents and purposes these marriages were good, happy, stable ones. Loving, financially secure, regular sex, healthy happy children etc.
So why? Why are some men so fucking stupid to ruin their marriages and happy set-ups with women they supposedly love?

I’m honestly starting to believe that all marriages have the potential to be rocked by a pretty face and flattery. That a lot of men are dick lead. In both of these it wasn’t affairs as such but shagging around on stag dos, golfing trips etc.

Why do they do it?

[ChiaraRimini]

Affairs have been around as long as marriage. Something like half of all married men cheat and a third of married women.
Instead of saying "why do people cheat" I think you have to ask why we have made marriage/monogamy the only socially acceptable way of life.
Personally I don't think I'm wired for sexual monogamy. In any future relationship I'd not want to commit to that. It's just the way I am.

[certificateofauthenticity]

There are good men, and women out there. However in the book by Desmond Morris, 'The naked ape' he maintains that the natural condition is best described as serial monogamy. Enough time to breed, and raise children to a safe age. That is what some call the seven year itch. That is to say we get bored, tired and our evolutionary need is to find different genes from different partners. That said I have never cheated, or even been tempted in 23 years of marriage. I think keeping it fresh and reinventing your relationship is vital, it's just that we don't do that, we cannot see our relationship from an outside perspective. We lose objectivity and it's easier to find excitement where temptation lies. It's a conscious decision to stay monogamous, not natural for human animals. I would also say that in my opinion mistakes and one offs can possibly be forgiven. However deceit and affairs that last months or years cannot. Good people exist, but the trick is to treat the other party as you would wish to be treated, and communicate. Just an opinion.

[Mrswinkler]

If anyone is interested "Sex at Dawn" is a good read on the subject.

[akaWisey]

When I married we both agreed that monogamy was the only kind of marriage we wanted. He broke the agreement I don't know how many times but that's not important (now).

I was not so hurt that he'd been having affairs with other women than I was that he broke the promises of our relationship. For that reason I've never considered the OW's as particularly relevant, more incidental. At the time I couldn't work out why I didn't get excited about infidelity. But gradually I realised that monogamy wasn't so important to me as making, and keeping a relationship agreement whatever that looks like, monogamous or otherwise; and that if one or other party wants to change the terms of their relationship they owe the other the option to, well, opt in or out.

Hindsight and a fuckton of expensive therapy is a wonderful thing though.

[SnowGlitter]

Personally I don't think I'm wired for sexual monogamy. In any future relationship I'd not want to commit to that. It's just the way I am.

The thing is, there's nothing wrong with not wanting a monogamous relationship.

There is nothing wrong with agreeing with your partner that monogamy is not a critical part of your relationship.

However, there is everything with promising someone that you will be and then going back on that promise.

[Lefty1]

**Personally I don't think I'm wired for sexual monogamy. In any future relationship I'd not want to commit to that. It's just the way I am.

Wow you're so edgy , one day I hope I'm as cool as you

[PuertoVallarta]

Sex at Dawn is pretty rubbish of a book, IMO. It's pseudoscientific like those Graham Hancock books or whatever. He tells a good story but it's the story that's come first and evidence cherry-picked to flesh it out.

On the topic of people shouldn't enter into monogamous relationships if that's not what they want: I mean, that's a nice idea but clearly they fall in love and the person they love demands monogamy and down the painful road everyone goes. I don't know any decent solution. I myself would leave someone who couldn't be monogamous. So maybe I'd be forcing someone who loved me to live a lie and it would come back to bite me on the arse one day.

As for the question in the title, perhaps it would be better to ask if there are any good men at all, rather than any left. The taken ones hardly seem much better to me. The answer to the question, at any rate, is: "It depends what you mean by 'good'."