Thoughts Needed

[suchislife44]

Hi. Looking for some objective thoughts. Partner of 8 years made the statement 'I don't think you are the type of woman who wants to make me happy'. In a nutshell the facts say otherwise and there are pronounced cycles of being 'idolised' and devalued which don't appear to be consistent with my own behaviour. How do you feel would be the correct way to approach how this makes me feel?

[Offred]

(FWIW I don’t believe, BPD or no, someone who has been abusive to their partner is ever going to learn to not be abusive with that partner.)

[suchislife44]

Offred, thanks. I should have made clear that previously he was being treated for depression (counselling and medication) which was not effective and was wanting things to change but frustrated that 'it wasn't working'. If it was a case of him outright refusing to engage or take any responsibility for his mental health then I would leave as the relationship would not be viable. The missed appointment was just last week... at the time the fact is that it was very busy for him at work (own business) which I believe was the reason for non attendance. He has now stated that he will attend in the new year. I know that if this does not happen then I will need to step away.

[suchislife44]

DBT is what is hoped for. In regards to the abuse I was of this opinion, leopards and spots etc. However it has been demonstrated through five years that this has cycle has been broken and the behaviour was contextual.

[Jerseysilkvelour]

Hopefully he will engage with the MH services in the NY as he has said.

Apparently DBT isn't that easy to come by in the UK, especially on the NHS, which prefers CBT as it's apparently well evidenced to work. I know DBT is considered the gold standard for BPD - probably luck of the draw as to whether anyone offers it within your trust. Would you have the option of going private? Might be aswell to research what's available locally.

Also, it's not going to get better overnight and requires considerable commitment on his part to try and move through the problem to something better. I'm sure you know this. Look after yourself before you do whatever you're prepared to do for him is my point here.

[suchislife44]

Thanks Jersey. Any treatment would be private as unfortunately to access any tier 4 'long and enduring MH' support through our local NHS adult psych one has to be either actively suicidal or very well connected with the system. His GP confirmed as such and made a referral to a private facility. I tried to broach a few things over the weekend but was met with defensiveness and 'so its all my fault is it' 'you are not loving to me sometimes and make me feel uncomfortable', 'you are hiding things away from me in bags' (I had been to get some Christmas gifts), and generally deflecting statements about how the way he behaves is often my fault. Subsequently I was told that if I loved him enough I would accept him for him and it is his problem/ up to him if he wants to seek treatment'. Then 'so me wanting to kill myself affects how you are with me?!'. I stayed calm and factual throughout but internally felt anything but. I feel disappointed that we have done a complete 360 in a few days but understand that this is part and parcel of the illness. Sorry for the rambling.