How can I find seeing my parents less stressful?

[RainbowBriteRules]

Just at the end of another weekend visit with my parents where I am breathing a sigh of relief that they have gone home. They live a few hours away so when they visit or we visit them it is for at least a night. Feel so sad about this as I spend the whole time on edge and waiting for them to leave.

I’m married with two DCs. DCs are 6 and 4 so we are getting in to the ‘easy’ time of things although 4 year old is still a handful. DH and my parents have a strained relationship - all polite to each other but do not truly get on.

Parents stress and fret about everything. I am also a bit like this and try so hard to stop stressing but when they are here it is so stressful! They seem to go out of their way to find stressful situations - e.g. they like to take the kids into the city centre shopping for toys, go out to restaurants rather than eat at home. Then we are all stressed as I am on edge waiting for the DC to play up (particularly DD2), the city centre is busy, trying to stop DH getting annoyed about their constant fretting, trying to stop someone wandering off.

At home they leave a trail of chaos and destruction and constantly tell me to sit down while making more mess that needs cleaning up. My dad needs regular cups of tea and food.

Don’t even know if anyone understands this rambling?

Of course the reality is as soon as they have left I feel like a complete bitch who is making the time they do spend with us so stressful. They are lovely and really do mean well. Can I stop stressing somehow?

For context, I get on fairly well with my in laws and find their visits helpful and relaxing rather than stressful. I’m well aware this is not life or death stuff which makes me feel even worse. I deal with life or death in my job and find it less stressful than a weekend with my parents!

[RainbowBriteRules]

Yes, somehow I do.

[FinallyHere]

My (elder) sister blazed the trail in my family, She had a don't explain, din't complain type of approach, but absolutely held the line. My parents grumbled a bit but it was soon evident to everyone that things wet better all round when we did things her way, so the grumbles stopped. Ultimately, your parents want the best for your kids, too. You know hat will make for the better life all round, so its best that you set that out and sick to it. I know it can feel wrong, as they are after all your parents. They are also ypur DC, whose best interests everyone has at heart.

As PP said, big girl pants on. All the best.

[RainbowBriteRules]

Any advice what to text? Do I just send the standard thank you for coming and for the presents text or do I sew the seeds of doing something different next time? I can’t phone as am too shattered and will be stroppy or it will just annoy me more.

[RandomMess]

I would leave it a couple of days (so that makes things different already) before doing anything.

Have you insight into your dynamic with them? Are you a people pleaser walking on eggshells to keep them happy?

[RainbowBriteRules]

Too tired to have insight! Need to have a think. Feel obliged to walk on eggshells as am so conscious on managing DDs’ behaviour while they are here that I don’t have the headspace for anything else.

[cheminotte]

I think a standard - 'was lovely to see you, hope your journey back was ok' is fine for tonight. But when you talk to them over the weeks before there next visit, you start setting expectations of how it will be. E.g. 'we went to this great playground with the girls, they'd love to show it to you next time you visit.

[RainbowBriteRules]

Thanks, have sent standard text. Will be brave in a few days and speak to them.