How can I find seeing my parents less stressful?

[RainbowBriteRules]

Just at the end of another weekend visit with my parents where I am breathing a sigh of relief that they have gone home. They live a few hours away so when they visit or we visit them it is for at least a night. Feel so sad about this as I spend the whole time on edge and waiting for them to leave.

I’m married with two DCs. DCs are 6 and 4 so we are getting in to the ‘easy’ time of things although 4 year old is still a handful. DH and my parents have a strained relationship - all polite to each other but do not truly get on.

Parents stress and fret about everything. I am also a bit like this and try so hard to stop stressing but when they are here it is so stressful! They seem to go out of their way to find stressful situations - e.g. they like to take the kids into the city centre shopping for toys, go out to restaurants rather than eat at home. Then we are all stressed as I am on edge waiting for the DC to play up (particularly DD2), the city centre is busy, trying to stop DH getting annoyed about their constant fretting, trying to stop someone wandering off.

At home they leave a trail of chaos and destruction and constantly tell me to sit down while making more mess that needs cleaning up. My dad needs regular cups of tea and food.

Don’t even know if anyone understands this rambling?

Of course the reality is as soon as they have left I feel like a complete bitch who is making the time they do spend with us so stressful. They are lovely and really do mean well. Can I stop stressing somehow?

For context, I get on fairly well with my in laws and find their visits helpful and relaxing rather than stressful. I’m well aware this is not life or death stuff which makes me feel even worse. I deal with life or death in my job and find it less stressful than a weekend with my parents!

[OMGtwins]

As lots of other people are saying, you probably need to be firmer with them and be a bit more organised about what you do and when whilst they're with you.

If they suggest something that won't work with the kids give them the option of doing something else or going to do what they want on their own.

If your DF wants tea and a snack, he can make it himself (and clear up after himself too) or your DM can. The looking lost is silly, how hard is it to find teabags, milk, a kettle and some biscuits? Leave it all out on the side for him.

If your DM really wants to go to John Lewis I suggest she does it on her own or when she's not visiting you, there are plenty of them in the UK and there must be one nearer to her than your house.

If your DDs need an hour of running around, base your activities for one half of each day around that, again your parents can join in or not.

They are staying with you, so it's not like you're short of chances to talk when you're all in the house.

Good luck OP, its not unsolvable but you do need to set boundaries. Even though they are guests in your house they should still be considerate of your DDs routine and they way you and your DH have stuff set up.

They might be your parents but its your house, so it's your rules (and I appreciate this is a reversal of the parent child dynamic you might have had before, but it needs to happen and they need to respect that you're in charge in your house).

[HLBug]

Rainbow I think you are me. I could’ve written your post word for word. It makes me feel awful - I dread seeing my parents even though I understand they’ll not be around forever and I’ll probably look back at this time in our lives and feel really sad about that.

They are the world’s worst ditherers and ‘helpers’. Every time they visit I am stressed and DH and I bicker and the DC go nuts. We’ve stopped going to them as I just can’t take it (not child proofed etc etc) - so I’ve not been ‘home’ in about 3 years (which is a whole other guilt trip).

Recently when they’ve come here they’ve driven through for the day - but it’s 2.5 hours each way so that’s not sustainable and only my DF drives. They also only arrive at lunchtime when DS is desperate for a nap, so hardly even see him! By the time he wakes up they need to drive home again!

If they stay it’s been in a hotel as DD is only 6 months. But I know they really want to stay with us and I love the IDEA of them being able to do that - it’s just such a nightmare in practice! I’m already dreading Christmas holidays.

[RainbowBriteRules]

HLBug. Yes! Your post is exactly how I feel. Thankfully we are not seeing them at Christmas but it is so sad that I am glad about that.

Finally, were your parents upset about the cancelled shopping trips? I need to hold firm, you are right.

The problem is we only see them every couple of months and so there is pressure to have a good time. The ridiculous thing is that the DDs love spending time with them and there is really no need to buy their affections.

OMGTwins, yes it is very much a case of changing the dynamic. We had to do that with disclipining DDs (my parents did not disclipline them at all and they were wild) and with help from the parenting course then boundaries have improved a bit with that. Need to do a lot more though...

[RainbowBriteRules]

Any tips on what exactly to say to them anyone?

Thanks again for all advice

[HouseworkIsAPain]

You need to chat to your mum about weekend plans before she comes, so that she is clear what is happening when and doesn’t promise the DC a trip.

If they want to go to John Lewis they can - she can pop there on Sunday morning and come back for cake and tea before they leave. You can even offer you or DH to drive them there and collect if it’s close enough to be doable.

[RainbowBriteRules]

I will try do that next time yes. Am just so annoyed, am emotionally exhausted, the house is a mess and the DC are not remotely tired so are bouncing off the walls (could not face taking them out again but paying for that now).

[IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday]

Wouldn't it be better if they went shopping before coming to you, then your mum can buy your dcs something and then bring it to your house.

I would say "I know you love to JL mum, but DH and I find it really stressful with DDs. We think we should change around the weekend when you are here, so it's more fun for everyone. How about you go shopping first, then come to us, this means on Sunday morning we can have a much more relaxing day"

[OMGtwins]

Yes PP is right, plan in advance about the general structure of your days, and remind them/re-agree whats happening for each day the night before whilst the kids are in bed. When planning let your folks know which bits of your days are flexible/negotiable and which aren't. Phrase it around helping the DDs to behave well (adults are more flexible and so should be the ones who compromise/change their usual schedules because DDs are too young to do that without it causing upset for everyone) and thus making the visit easier for you all.

For example, in our house the kids are up early and their best time is before lunch so we often go out in the mornings (anyone who isnt awake can meet us for lunch or come and find us when they're ready), bed time is non negotiable, meal times can be moved by an hour but any more will cause the kids to be too hungry and/or tired and there will be tears and shouting from them... No one wants that...

[RandomMess]

Sounds a bit way out but could they come for an extra night so they can go to JL at some other point? Think you need to be more blunt and tell them that the DC would rather do baking with Them or visit the playground than get yet another gift!

[OMGtwins]

Also, be v clear about activities that you won't do with your DDs because they get overexcited and/or bored and suggest something else similar of possible or a solo outing for your folks. Be clear that its one of those two, not for your DDs to be carted around to do something that will cause trouble later.

[IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday]

And to add, I think you are 100% correct to want to change what happens. I cant think of anything worse than traipsing around the shops with my parents, Dh and DC!

[RainbowBriteRules]

Just sorting out tea etc, will be back on later.

[RainbowBriteRules]

IfYou, yes it is hideous. I suggest them going in advance to the shops (which might be the way forward actually) but my mum wants to take them with us to choose their gifts. The whole thing is completely batshit. I suggested them giving money towards us getting a new laptop / printer instead but they want to get them something they want.

Random, most times they can only stay 1 night as my dad doesn’t want to travel up on a Friday night after work (fair enough) and despite being nearly 70 is working full time and hardly ever takes annual leave so has to be back for work on Monday.

I do need to try out all these suggestions again though as they all make sense.

OMG, I will try the behaviour angle again. They are strange about this, do not give DH or I much support when it comes to managing behaviour (although this has improved) and always out any bad behaviour down to tiredness. In fact it is often the opposite. They need to be run ragged particularly DD2 and this doesn’t happen when parents are here as we are pissing about in restaurants or in town .

[RainbowBriteRules]

I feel mine and DH’s relationship is not great atm anyway (whole separate issue) and a visit from my parents just stresses it further. I need him to help me with managing them and he often just disengages and leaves me to it which is so unhelpful when the kids are also running round.

[RandomMess]

Pull your big girl pants up and when they suggest something “No, that doesn’t work for us. Either x or y are the options”

Do no more shopping, no more long meals out and planned physical activities prioritised! They can come and watch/take part or go shopping on their own...

[RainbowBriteRules]

Eeek. Ok, I need to be a big girl.

[RainbowBriteRules]

I’ve reported the above as i’m Pretty sure he cannot help me manage a John Lewis shopping trip .

[OMGtwins]

DH gets two options too, stay with all of you, or take the kids away to run them around whilst you spend time with your folks. Buggering off on his own is not one of them, it's selfish and neglecting to remember that his kids are his loolout as well as yours. If your folks are hard work he can take the kids to make it easier for everyone. Teamwork, innit.

Seems you need to explain to your folks about your kids in small words and assuming they've forgotten everything about small children. Tell them that the kids need to be run around and are easily bored and will play up if they're not. It isnt your folks job to discipline your kids, but it is their job to not make it any harder when they stay and your role to help your folks know what that means in terms of what is and isn't a good idea to try to do with the kids. Hard work this being between your folks and your kids, I've been there... Hugs.

[cheminotte]

I was going to ask if they are still working but see your dad is.
I think you need to prioritise what works for your kids and plan the weekend in a way that works for you. Surely the girls don't need a present every time they visit? Can they be persuaded to contribute to a trip eg to panto which you all go on instead?
Our DC need exercise too and a walk around a town, however picturesque, doesn't cut it, which the PILs took a while to understand. Also mid afternoon ice creams if you want them to eat their tea.

[RainbowBriteRules]

I was actually told by the facilitator on my parenting course that it sounded as if my parents made the DC’s behaviour worse and that they were undermining any disclipline we built up.

cheminotte, unfortunately they absolutely do buy them multiple presents each time they visit. I have asked them not to on numerous occasions or suggested they buy theatre tickets etc instead.

I guess I am not spelling it out enough. My main problem is they have no understanding of the need to tire the girls out. Eg they think they are tired after a long week at school. I wish! They have never, ever been tired after school.

[Butterymuffin]

There is a really good Anne Dickson book called Difficult Conversations, that helps you plan how to handle them in a very practical way. I would really recommend it for you OP.

[RainbowBriteRules]

Buttery, that sounds great thank you, will order it.

Can’t face phoning them now as I am too tired. Need to text them though but just debating what to say. I normally just lie and say thanks very much for coming, kids had a great time. Ugh.

[RandomMess]

Sounds like you need to tackle the gift issue then, multiple gifts that they get to choose every visit is rather OTT. Perhaps do the “they want your presence not presents” line...?