Please Help, feeling awful, drove my wonderful partner away

[dram10dram]

Hello,

I am feeling completely heartbroken. I have been with my partner just over 6 years, living together in his house for 3 years. We are in our late 40s, I have two children from a previous relationship which live with us, he does not have any children.

We have had our ups and downs but shared many happy memories and have common interests. We had a blow up last weekend, an old chestnut of mine that happens a couple of times a year. Anyhow, when I came home last Wednesday, he was waiting on the drive with his car packed ready to leave. He said he was going to stay with his parents (a couple of hours away) whilst we found somewhere else to leave. I was absolutely heartbroken, we were both crying but he said he couldn't give us another chance.

I am absolutely distraught, as are my boys (they are aged 16). One of my boys got on really well with him, there was tension with the other boy. Some of this caused our arguments.

I realise that I was the cause of our breakup. He is a loving, gentle soul. He demonstrated his love by always being there for us, I think I was expecting more. I realise how much he did love us and now I have lost him. I wrote him a letter last week explaining this and how we could get over the old chestnut, I was waiting for him to resolve this issue over the years and now of course I see we should have both worked to solve it. I realise how much I have hurt him and I hate myself for it.

He has not replied to my letter, I have not messaged him, texted him or emailed him. I have stayed off FB for over a week too. I had a lovely email from his mum yesterday thanking her for the birthday flowers I sent her, but no word about her son.

I am desperate, I believe the time away from him will just consolidate his decision that he is better off without me, though we did have so many good times together and plans for our futures.

What can I do, has anyone else been in this situation. I have lost the most wonderful man and I can't forgive myself. My boys feel as if it is my fault too.

Thank you for any advice xx

[ravenmum]

I have to say that if a friend of mine I saw only a few times a year failed to mention my partner in a Christmas card, I would also probably not even bother to bring the subject up with them. I guess if my partner claimed to be hurt by this, and demanded that I say something, then I would probably say something along the lines of "Friend, I know this might sound funny, but Partner has a problem with your Christmas cards, can you add his name". Even then I'd be unsurprised if the old friend didn't actually remember this issue when it came to Christmas. I'd assume he had more important things on his mind tbh.

Maybe counselling would help you work out why you'd give your partner the cold shoulder about a friend's Christmas card message?

[Oly5]

I think making it difficult for him to see his friends is out of order and you know it. Nobody wants to be controlled by that. Maybe the friend was just desperate to see your OH on his own... if they saw each other so infrequently maybe they just wanted to spend that time together? I think you should have been busying yourself with your own friends.
Look, badgering him and telling him how great the relationship was will not help. You need to leave him alone and give him some space to think. Look up going “no contact” ... if he has some space to think and digest your letter, he may think differently.
Repeatedly contacting him will not help

[BadHatter]

Let’s talk about the practical stuff.
When will you be ready to give his house back to him?
Can you afford to rent and provide for your kids? Have they lost respect for you because they’re lives became less stable?

[SandyY2K]

Sometimes in life, we don't realise what we've got till it's gone.

[Cricrichan]

You sound insecure, jealous and needy. I must admit that in my first long term relationship I was like that but didn't realise it until I was the victim of it in my current relationship. It's one of the reasons why it has killed my feelings for him. Even if he were to change, I don't think I'd be able to have those feelings for him again.

I think that you should look at moving out and then maybe consider a relationship where you don't live together. He may be happy with that. Write him a letter apologising and telling him that you understand where he's coming from.

I'm similarly aged to you and when I get together with my uni friends, it's all about us. The bond we have is unlike any other. We grew up into adults at uni. The freedom, the experiences, almost like a family but with no rules. You took that joy from him and made him feel guilty for enjoying it. It also meant that he couldn't look forward to his next reunion with them.

[Gemini69]

Let’s talk about the practical stuff.
When will you be ready to give his house back to him?
Can you afford to rent and provide for your kids? Have they lost respect for you because they’re lives became less stable?

are you the partner ?

[YoloSwaggins]

I think you need to leave him alone and get counselling. Respect his decision.

I have to say I honestly wouldn't notice who our Christmas cards are addressed to, let alone care.

You HAVE to work on your behaviour and not inflict it - you cannot stop someone seeing their friends! Or even want to stop it - why would you? You have to have your own lives in a relationship or it never works. You have to want your partner to be free and happy to pursue their hobbies and see their friends, even without you. If you're not ready to do that you're not ready for a relationship.

[Ellisandra]

Not everyone goes in for "from our house to yours" type Xmas cards.

Sounds like it was simply a card from one friend to another. It didn't have to include you.

As this was your boyfriend's best friend, he may have been the one your boyfriend used as a sounding board. Perhaps he didn't feel inclined to send Xmas wishes to a woman that he thought was trying to stop his friend from meeting old friends?

[hellsbellsmelons]

'Cold shoulder' = stonewalling abuse.
It's not nice and a lot of men use it to control their partners who want to go out with friends etc... but don't due to this.

You know now - get some counselling and take it from there.

[ItsAMessyLife]

You need to accept his decision and move out. Anything else is a continuation of the controlling behaviour he's trying to leave behind.

[YoloSwaggins]

With the friends thing, i hate to say if but if you didn't get on with them then it's probably a sign. Friends are great at being able to tell if their friend's partner is compatible for them. You being "feisty" and him being a gentle soul sounds like you told him what to do - not good. You may want him back but he obviously doesn't think you're good for him, so let him move on.

[Notreallyarsed]

You sound like you’re massively minimising the “chestnut” OP, and without being harsh, you’re prepared to change and work at not being controlling because it’s affecting you now. The emotional trauma you’ve put him through didn’t affect you did it? But now he’s had enough and left, it’s still about you. What you want and how you feel.

He’s ended the relationship, respect his wishes and move on. Next time you have a relationship, don’t allow one issue to become so big that it destroys it.

[Stupormum]

Hi Op,

For whatever the reasons your relationship has ended and whoever's fault it is I think most people can remember the horrible gut wrenching feeling that is the immediate aftermath of a break up you don't want

You have mentioned a couple of times that your boys have lost respect for you. I wonder how they would describe the reasons you have broken up? I'm not suggesting asking them but sometimes trying to view things from an alternative perspective can help you see things with a bit more clarity.

[ravenmum]

I'm not sure teenage boys should effectively be encouraged to criticise their mum for her mistakes. Although the split affects them and is no doubt going to bother them, their mum's relationship is still not something they need to be giving their opinion on imho. They can say "I'm pissed off that I have to move" and she can apologise for that, but they don't get to tell her how to act towards her partner.

[Stupormum]

I thought I'd quite clearly said I wasn't suggesting that she, just asking the OP to think about it from their perspective and see if that gives her any insight.

[sonjadog]

If he was posting her, what would he write about your break up, OP? I just find it very unlikely that someone who had a great relationship 90% of the time would end it over this issue. I suspect he would tell a very different story - maybe the friend situation was the final straw, but I really doubt it was the only problem at all. I also suspect that might be why he hasn't´t replied to your letter - you are addressing a symptom but ignoring what the problem actually is.

[beesandknees]

It is really, and I mean REALLY weird to care about your oh's best friend not putting your name in a card.

I'm trying to imagine how I'd even notice such a thing. My dp has many friends, some are my friends too but many are at best my acquaintances, many I've never met. If they send cards I might read the message inside and think what a lovely card etc. I don't think I'd even remember if my name was in there?

The fact you've even noticed such a thing, combined with you losing your rag over him seeing his friends. I presume you've painted yourself in the best possible light in your op, as people all tend to. So I imagine that in reality you've been absolutely unbearably needy and shitty about him and his friends.

You can't expect him to try again with you after years of this. He'd have no self respect if he did. You need to let him go.

The fact you feel pain over losing him, isn't a sign the relationship was a good one for him, nor is it a sign you would actually follow through on change. In fact no matter how storngly you feel today, if he took you back, on a very deep level you'd take it as permission to act an absolute knob all over again since you've proven to yourself you can get away with it.

He's no choice but to move on from you. He must have walked a very painful road to get to this point. Let him go.

[PiffleandWiffle]

I've got friends that have no interest in hearing about my partner or in socialising with her - I wouldn't try to force them to & my partner wouldn't keep pursuing it as a (non) issue.

It is perfectly possible to have friends that don't associate with partners & vice versa...

[annakarenina2]

Hi OP,

First of all - I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. It's devastating to acknowledge that a relationship ended because of you.

I'm going through something similar, but with my H. I get releases from being argumentative and impulsive, while he bottles things up. I also have major insecurities and issues with being controlling, and while it takes me all my energy to be a calm and peaceful parent to my DS, I definitely let out too much steam on my poor H. He didn't deserve it, but I was too caught up in my own feelings to really acknowledge it, before his "shock therapy" leave.

I don't know if he'll want me back. But I am taking this time to fix myself and heal, if not for our relationship than for my future relationship. Because these kinds of patterns will reinvent themselves in a different scenario, trust me. I highly advise seeing a good counsellor and telling them honestly, without any minimising, about your issues. You may be surprised to find out why you are the way you are.

The truth is, some of us carry trauma that manifests itself in strange and sometimes hurtful ways. I never realised how much my parents' abuaice abd dysfunctional relationship affected me until now. This isn't an excuse to be unreasonable to a partner, but it has helped me come to terms with my past and hopefully move forward to being a more supportive and secure person.

Actions matter more than words. If you want him back, you need to be able to show him that you've really changed. But that is something that will take a LOT of effort and time on your behalf.

Good luck

[bastardkitty]

If I was happily in a live in relationship and my friend came round and ignored my partner, I would probably ask them what gives and likely tell them to get to fuck. I also think the card is rude and combined with the ignoring I wouldn't be impressed at all. I'm not surprised it's been a source of conflict. I do get the impression though that there may be a huge back story and you have been quite sketchy about your own behaviour.

[rowtheboats]

Does anyone else think it strange for a grown man to give his best friend a Christmas card?!!

Surely there must be more to this than OP is aware of. Whatever your issues of confrontation etc I don’t think it really sounds like you know exactly what has happened to your relationship, maybe you need to talk to him so you can fully understand and get some closure?

[PiffleandWiffle]

Does anyone else think it strange for a grown man to give his best friend a Christmas card?!!

Seriously??

Really??

HaHaHaHaHa....

[BorisTrumpsHair]

So you think Christmas cards are just for women and children row?

Good golly ....

[Gemini69]

how are you doing OP

[TalkinBoutWhat]

The world is full of nice people that make shit partners.

He wasn't there for you. He is so unable to deal with confrontation, that when a friend of his wasn't kind to you he didn't have the gumption to say 'Hang on a minute mate, this woman is special to me. Please don't ignore her like that'. No, he just buried his head like an ostrich and pretended everything was fine.

You can't have a future with someone like that, you just can't. Because there will ALWAYS be times when you have to stand up for what/who you believe in. And he just won't.