Please Help, feeling awful, drove my wonderful partner away

[dram10dram]

Hello,

I am feeling completely heartbroken. I have been with my partner just over 6 years, living together in his house for 3 years. We are in our late 40s, I have two children from a previous relationship which live with us, he does not have any children.

We have had our ups and downs but shared many happy memories and have common interests. We had a blow up last weekend, an old chestnut of mine that happens a couple of times a year. Anyhow, when I came home last Wednesday, he was waiting on the drive with his car packed ready to leave. He said he was going to stay with his parents (a couple of hours away) whilst we found somewhere else to leave. I was absolutely heartbroken, we were both crying but he said he couldn't give us another chance.

I am absolutely distraught, as are my boys (they are aged 16). One of my boys got on really well with him, there was tension with the other boy. Some of this caused our arguments.

I realise that I was the cause of our breakup. He is a loving, gentle soul. He demonstrated his love by always being there for us, I think I was expecting more. I realise how much he did love us and now I have lost him. I wrote him a letter last week explaining this and how we could get over the old chestnut, I was waiting for him to resolve this issue over the years and now of course I see we should have both worked to solve it. I realise how much I have hurt him and I hate myself for it.

He has not replied to my letter, I have not messaged him, texted him or emailed him. I have stayed off FB for over a week too. I had a lovely email from his mum yesterday thanking her for the birthday flowers I sent her, but no word about her son.

I am desperate, I believe the time away from him will just consolidate his decision that he is better off without me, though we did have so many good times together and plans for our futures.

What can I do, has anyone else been in this situation. I have lost the most wonderful man and I can't forgive myself. My boys feel as if it is my fault too.

Thank you for any advice xx

[Mustang27]

I think after 6yrs of the same old argument anyone would break. It really depends how you were confronting him. Doesn’t really matter the gender of the friends you should have accepted that they were part of his life rather as digging your heals in. If you thought his bf really wasn’t keen you should have spoken to your partner and maybe contacted the friend saying it was important to you that you can all get on, however it wasn’t was it?

If he has left I think it’s over for him, I’m sorry. I think you need to take more responsibility for how you deal with things rather as spinning stereotypes and saying that’s just how you are.

[birdiebirdiewoofwoof]

This must all be very difficult to read when you're grieving the loss of your relationship. But it sounds like you had some fundamental issues of compatibility. You like to have a shout and clear the air, he hates confrontation. I'm like him in that regard and I don't think I'd cope long-term with a partner who was 'feisty'. I would feel under attack and I'd find it miserable.

You feel awful because you've lost a partner you love, and because you're being confronted with your 'old chestnut' from his point of view and how it has made him feel. But I'm not sure if you understand that getting pissed off with him for seeing his friends was a really, really unreasonable thing to do in the first place. You don't own him. He gets to have areas of his life that you are less involved in. He wasn't seeing them very often, he wasn't taking anything away from you that could reasonably have been considered yours.

The opportunity to win someone is when you're in a relationship with them. You have to keep taking the opportunity then. You can't take out your less reasonable feelings on them just because it suits you, without regard for how it affects them or whether their actions are actually the problem. You can't kick your heels and shout because they're doing a harmless thing they have every right to do. You don't get to do that. Ever. Do you understand that? Will you ever treat someone like that again? If you can't say you won't with 100% honesty then you need to be single for a while.

[letsdolunch321]

From reading what you have said, I think you need to be looking at a new chapter with your two boys for company.

This man has done the right thing by giving you time to move out & move on. You will now see good men are hard to find.

[BertrandRussell]

I don't think I could live with someone "feisty"........?

[AlternativeTentacle]

He doesn't like confrontations. He comes from a wonderful family that talk a lot and are very supportive of each other. I just don't think he could cope with my more direct way

I am sorry but if my partner's friends were staying and ignoring me, I'd have confronted it there and then and been very fucked off with him, let alone let him carry on this bollocks. No way.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

'I don't think I could live with someone "feisty"........?'

Me neither, whenever I hear someone describe themselves as such I generally assume they are just going to be argumentative and controlling.

[hellsbellsmelons]

What you've been doing to him for years is punishing him any time he wants to be away from you.
That is pure abuse and control and not very nice.
The only way to resolve that is to let him have his time with his friends.
He was it doing before you came along, why does he have to take you every time?
Why can't he have some time to do things on his own?
You need to address why you behave in that way and understand that couples can do things separately.
Until you can admit that it's abusive and controlling behaviour and address it then you won't win him back.
You maybe have abandonment issues??? Counselling can help with that.

So if you do win him back, what happens next time he wants to spend the weekend with his friends without you???
Do you punish him before and after and then bring it up all the time in between?

Leave him alone for now.
Find somewhere to live and give him some space.
If he wants to then he'll contact you when he's ready.
But stop texting and writing now.

[dinosaursandtea]

"He comes from a wonderful family that talk a lot and are very supportive of each other. I just don't think he could cope with my more direct way."

He doesn't have a problem with confrontation, he has a problem with your verbal aggression.

[bigfatbumfreak]

He’s left you, you should let him go.

The chestnut is yours, getting ‘over it’ means he dies what you say.

[bigfatbumfreak]

Does what you say.

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

This sounds like he's been contemplating it for a bit, like he was waiting for an opportunity to go.

[Gemini69]

I suspect it's more to do with what's going on under the family home... what has been happening between Him and your DS ? has His home become a war zone OP ? .. a place where He no longer feels comfortable ?

[PollytheDolly]

I’m the feisty one and my husband hates confrontation but in general both laid back types. We both had to change and meet in the middle. Me less feisty, him more communicative. Takes time but is doable!

[ravenmum]

He's not the only man in the world. You could take this experience and learn from it to have a better relationship with your next partner.

Like others I see a good bit of minimising going on in your OP, but the thread title shows that you know who's at fault. I'd recommend some counselling to help you get it all straight in your head.

[dram10dram]

I've put my hands up and I know the errors of my way. It wasn't the fact that I felt I needed to be with him all the time. I felt at the time an issue had grown around his friends and myself. His BF (male) would write Christmas cards to him but not mention me even though we were living together. I guess in an ideal world I wanted my partner to ask his BF why this happened. But my partner did not want to upset his BF or me. I do realise what a major error all this has been.

The house is not a war zone, my son just displays some normal teenage behaviour, Kev and Perry type stuff. Both me and partner have secretly laughed about this.

Of course I haven't given all the details, who wants to hear the whole life story! But I have on the whole been a loving, supportive partner. His parents have been ill for the last 10 months and he spends between 4-2 days a week up with them (staying overnight). I've been there for him, helped with practical, psychological and emotional support (his mum had a breakdown from being a carer for her husband). Thank fully they are much better now and he just spends one night a week up with them.

I know my mistakes, I massively regret my mistakes. I know how much he did love me. I am working on my issues and taking responsibility for my own behaviour. I have also lost some of my sons' respect, it is devastating. I am trying to move forward with hope that I can express the errors of my ways. It is hard to show him this when he is no longer living in the same house.

Please, I don't really want a witch hunt, I KNOW I have done the man I love wrong.

[dinosaursandtea]

But you have to understand that he might not want to move forward with you. You're being very dramatic about this and making it all about how you feel.

[LoverOfCake]

OP, the problem with you saying that you know your mistakes and will put them right is that you've only admitted to all of this now that he's said that the relationship is over because of the person you are. that doesn't show commitment to putting things right, it shows that you're prepared to say what you think he wants to hear now that he's taken back control and said enough is enough.

I get that it's hard not being accepted by your partner's friends. I have very similar with my own dp in that he has some friends who refuse to acknowledge our relationship, say that it's wrong because of his faith etc and how they are happy to be friends with him and not me. It hurts, I won't lie about that, because these are people who don't know me or know anything about me. However, these are friends he has known for decades prior to meeting me and now due to logistics sees maybe once a year. If I went off on one whenever he meets up with them and shouted and screamed that he should be putting me first etc etc I would look somewhat unhinged. It's once a year and to be honest now that we've been together for a number of years there hardly seems much point him introducing me into the equation as his new partner. So once a year he toddles off and meets up with these friends (there is one in particular) and as far as I'm aware they don't have conversations about the rights and wrongs of what the friend thinks his relationships should be.

I know that their attitude does actually annoy DP because prior to being with me he was in an extremely abusive marriage, but life's really too short to start ending friendships which change over the course of a lifetime anyway.

[Gemini69]

wow..... your DP's 'Best Friend' is a total DICK .... if your DP has not got the balls to remind him to put 'family' names on a simple Christmas Card then there is something far deeper wrong here.... sounds like he pours all his concerns and problems into his Best Friends ear..... hence no names on the Cards except DP's ... so not really a nice guy after all OP

[dram10dram]

Thank you Loverofcake.

I don't think I was shouty, more cold shoulder towards him, not that that is an excuse. I suppose I felt snubbed but didn't know why. I think we both wanted to get over it but it had got into a sort of pattern, as I say, only a couple of times a year. I didn't want to hurt him, he doesn't deserve it but I've lost my opportunity to change me. I know that it was me who could have sorted this. I miss him so much.

[dram10dram]

Gemini69,

He is a nice person, very nice. He just doesn't like upsetting people. As he left the other Wednesday, he said maybe is he hadn't been weak, a coward this might not have happened.

I still can't believe our relationship has ended over this.

[Gemini69]

in that case.. It sounds like he's reached the end of a very long road OP... what may appear to be occasional grievances to you.. may have been traumatic for him.. and have affected him deeply.. but you'll never know ..because he doesn't communicate..

[Gemini69]

p.s. I still believe his friend is a DICK

[Only1scoop]

Op to be honest the BF card thing and lack of regard I do find slightly odd also.

Perhaps with some time and him being with his parents to also help them out will be a break which you both need.

Sorry you are feeling so sad at the moment You identify your part in this and that's a major step.

[PressPaws]

I'm so sorry OP.

Ending a relationship - facing you, and telling you it was over, with his car packed - would have been a huge thing for somebody who hates and tries to avoid confrontation. I suspect he's been thinking about it and working up to it, and that's his final decision made.

I would give him space now, he may respond to the letter in his own time. And be gentle with yourself

[TheNaze73]

I think you’ve just got to suck this up, learn from it & move on. I think the continued controlling behaviour has finally made him crack