Can you make me laugh?

[girlingerrupting]

I hope that doesn't sound judgy.... anyway my marriage is pretty tough at the moment, I'm working a lot of hours and not seeing my children or friends as much as I'd like. I could really do with getting my sense of humour back anyone with tips most welcome?!?

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Sorry - that should be ASHINGTON in the north east, not Washington.

Dmn auto-effing-correct.

[MorrisZapp]

What do you call two witches living together?

Broom mates!

I like that one as a pun, but more because of the idea of witches being room mates. Or lesbians.

[Ollivander84]

He adores his pork scratchings
I was eating some, he ran off with one while purring, rolled all over it then crunched it in delight. Cheap treats I guess!
I do have a photo of him in a towel looking like E.T as well

[girlingerrupting]

Your own nose!!! Awesome!

[girlingerrupting]

I have been laughing at all these this morning feels good to laugh!! The car one especially so eloquently put too and the cat face?!? Weird.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

These are great jokes - and that cat's pork scratching face - priceless!

(Love a black cat)

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

A baldy cat got on the bus, the driver said “where’s your fare”



Butsurely only works in Liverpool


I have a couple that only work in Washington in the North East.

Woman goes into a hairdresser's
"Give me a perm"
"I wandered lernly as a cloud . . "

And
"I was driving my car the other day and I was a bit careless. I hit a kerb. The Akela went crackers . . . "

[brabenot]

My ds always makes me laugh. eg, me to ds "was your fish nice?" ds "dunno, never met him"

[MistressDeeCee]

[Gingernaut]

Nope. I tried to be clever and give the previous teddy a witch's hat.

[Gingernaut]

[thlbear]

[MistressDeeCee]

I've caught OH mournfully looking at his beard in the mirror a couple of times tonight. He is so very offended keeps saying to me, "the cheek of him, calling me Santa!". Then I have to mumble "yeah" in agreement and run off to hide and laugh again.

I posted on my phone earlier there was definitely a teddy icon God knows what that was all about. I need to know how to do the Santa one now

No we won't be allowed to be outrageously cantankerous when we're old, it'll be all pc to the enth by then. I'll still give it a try tho

[FastWindow]

worried your cold must have affected your sense of hearing, but you painted a lovely picture!

[Worriedobsessive]

I fancy myself as a bit of a breasted Terry Nutkins and have just been wandering around my garden in my pjs, trying to identify a strange animal “call.” It’s been there most of the evening and I’d decided it was probably a lost baby fox looking for its mum, waiting for me to cuddle and play with it, blah blah. Anyway, it turns out that the noise was actually coming from my own nose.

The shame.

[tamepanda]

I gave birth on Monday, it was unbelievably quick 5 cm at 3pm & baby out at 4.24pm, had a few complications - baby had pooped & cord round the neck, cervix wasn’t dilating as quickly as they liked so I just had to push though it ... ended up in stirrups so they had to take the end of the bed off. As they tried to put the bed back together afterwards they hit me in the vag ... to which my response was “No! That’s only for exits”

[FastWindow]

I've heard this which is a rare non-offensive religious joke. They are precious few.

Jesus in a restaurant : 'table for 26 please'
Maitre d' : but there are only 13 of you '
Jesus :' yeah but we all want to sit on the same side'

I shall dine out on this for a while (see what I did there)

[margaritasbythesea]

Ollivander those made me cry laughing. ThanKs

[Curiousgeorgey]

Today I left a shop and seen my car parked with a scratch on the rear. I bent down and started rubbing it with my hand whilst moaning about how could I have not realised I'd done this!

Annoyed I opened the door to put my daughter into her car seat but I discovered it was gone and realised someone must have stolen it and bumped my car and left the scratch!

Then I realised there was someone in the front passenger seat!

Then I realised it wasn't my car and id been rubbing someone elses car and opened their door.

The woman was so confused as I apologised, closed the door and walked away.

I couldn't stop laughing once I got to my car finally!

[CowesTwo]

Man comes home from work, clearly annoyed, and says to his wife: "I just heard that our milkman has shagged every woman on our street" - pauses meaningfully- "except one ..." wife says: "Oh, that'll be that stuck-up cow at No 11."

[Gingernaut]

Did you hear about the couple who committed adultery in a multi-storey car park?

It was wrong on so many levels.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

[Fekko]

Ive never seen such large eyes on a cat!

[Ollivander84]

Of course not to be confused with his "I love pork scratchings more than life" face
If this doesn't make you laugh, I give up

[Fekko]

That face! 🙀

[Ollivander84]

My cat has a "ribbon face"
This is when he sees any kind of ribbon

[Fekko]

I already do # 2