Am I a lesbian?

[SoRubbish]

Hi all,

I've namechanged but I'm a regular poster since 2010.

Over the last 12 months or so I've began to find women more attractive than men - namely my DH.

Now. I love my DH, he's the nicest and respects me, loves me and has never hurt me.

I just don't think I find him sexually attractive anymore - or any man come to think of it.

I've started to develop feelings for my best friend. She's awesome, makes me laugh and knows all of my secrets. I count down the days until we go out for a drink because we get quite flirty and she makes me feel good. She's straight but we have kissed a few times in the past when been silly drunk!

I don't know. I really don't know what to do. I'd never leave DH because I don't want to break up a home for my children and I'd hate to cause him so much hurt.

Just looking to see if anyone else kinda feels the same as me.

It feels good to write it down tbh.

[ThePinkPanter]

Regardless of whether you're gay, straight, bi or curious kissing other people when you're married is cheating. As a lesbian it really fucks me off when people make it sound like kissing a woman when you have a husband doesn't really count. It totally undermines the significance and validity of same sex relationships.

[Maddiemademe]

I came out at 31 so about 18 months ago. Got into my first relationship with a women which lasted 9 months. Was the best thing I ever did and everything seemed to just slot into place.

Don't put labels on it though. How do you feel about your DH more importantly. Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him or do you think you will regret not exploring this side of your sexuality?

[CuckooClockChimes]

I agree with the poster who said that you don't have to be one thing or another

[misscph1973]

Agree, separate issues. I think you need to work out if your marriage is working for you. And then you can start looking at your sexual orientation. Your feelings for your friend might not be as deep as you suspect, they might be masking that you are not happy in your marriage.

[BeyondNoone]

Separate issues.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then you need to end it. If you are unsure then speak to him and maybe counselling can help. Are things equal in your house, how is he with the children etc? Is there anything we can help with there?

Who you see yourself with in the future is something else entirely - right now it doesn't matter.

[Cricrichan]

It sounds like you're bisexual or a lesbian. I love my female friends and for a long time would rather spend time wit them than dh, but never in a sexual/fancy way.

A close friend who is nearly 50 had a 7 year lesbian relationship, but she's never been attracted to women before or since.

I think you need to work out if you want to continue in your marriage. Were you sexually attracted to him before?

[ineedamoreadultieradult]

Do you have to be one thing or another?

[SoRubbish]

Thank you all for the replies.

I do appreciate it. I'm just feeling really odd and confused. All I want to do now is get out of this house and have a drink but I really don't think that'll be a good idea.

So. Instead I shall smile, cook tea and pour myself another large gin xx

[Valentine2]

The gender of the person you are attracted to doesnt matter.

That's a big generalisation. It is not good advice at all.

[Valentine2]

i would discuss this with your DH specially as you say he is a nice person. He would be hurt of course. May be don't mention you don't find any men attractive. Is it a possibility that he would like an open marriage so long as you are with a woman? It is also possible that you start finding him attractive once you have actually explored this side of yours. Take it slow and easy. Sounds like tough times ahead. When too many nice people are involved, the slow route is the best. Good luck.

[Bruceishavingfish]

Your sexuality doesnt really matter. It doesnt need a label.

What matters is that you are cheating on your husband.

Would you be ok if he kissed someone a few times?

If you dont want to be with your husband, it doesnt matter why. End the marriage and be fair to him. The gender of the person you are attracted to doesnt matter.

[PastoralCare]

Don't worry about labels (bi, hetero, lesbian, curious...) just go with what your body tells you. You may or may not enjoy it in the end but it shouldn't be a matter of labels.

A woman I know married another woman after she left her husband. She married the other woman because she loved her as a person, but she's not necessarily into women.

Follow your path

[Annoyed5678]

My husband came out gay, its crushing completely crushing to feel like right from the start it was lie after lie, yes he deserves to be set free and happy with someone else as you don't find him attractive but he doesn't need the warts and all story

[Halfdrankbrew]

A very close friend of mine has just gone through a similar thing. I've known her a long time, she met her husband while we were at uni and she never showed any interest in women in fact she would never do the drunk kissy huggy thing you sometime do when drunk.

I think things hadn't been right for a while between her and her husband sexually (they've only been married a few yrs but together a long time). She out of the blue one day told our close circle of friends that she had told her husband that she was attracted to girls and thinks she might be bi? Her husband for some reason unbeknown to me agreed to let her "explore" this. She got on a gay dating app and started to see a girl. Things soon got physical. That girl decided she wanted to be with someone else and so she hooked up with another girl. This one fell for her and she (the friend) decided she preferred her to her husband.

So they (mate and the husband) separated to try work things out and she dumped the girl to try and save her marriage. They have just decided to divorce, it was too late.

I'm close friends with both these people and really wish I'd said please try and work on your marriage and existing problems before you seek people outside the marriage.

I think as other people have already pointed out op you might be confusing a crush with real feelings, if things in your marriage aren't great spending time with your friend who is fun and you get along with could be confusing you. I think as someone else also suggested it might be a good idea to stop seeing the friend and try to sort out any underlying issues you and your husband might have?

[RosaRed]

I've named changed for this, but I feel the same OP. I'm 41 and increasingly finding myself more attracted to women. I met a woman on a course last year and I got that excited, butterflies in tummy feeling whenever I was around her. Since then I've realised I tend to notice women and appreciate their appearance much more than I do men - I can go months without seeing a man I find attractive!

I slept with a girl years ago when I was 19. We were both drunk and never mentioned it again, but I remember how soft she was and how lovely it felt.

I wonder whether I feel like this now because I've just become so sick of being treated like crap by men... or have I been a lesbian all this time and just not realised it??

[flumpybear]

Perhaps you’ve mentally put men out of your mind due to you not wanting to split the family? Would your husband consider an open relationship or threesome etc?

[GrimDamnFanjo]

Gah posted too soon! What I wanted to say is that you need to work out your sexuality. If you are a lesbian then it would be kindest to separate.
If you are bi then perhaps counselling with your DH to work out why you are no longer attracted to him?

[GrimDamnFanjo]

Hmmm try and speak to a counsellor to work through some of your feelings about who you are attracted to.
I'm a Bi but I am totally smitten with my DH after 20 years of marriage. Being bi doesn't mean you can have both a husband and a wife!

[6demandingchildren]

Why stereotype yourself into a box, you are who you are you have feelings and you can love who you want to. Just try and find the truth in yourself for you xx

[SoRubbish]

I think I'd quite happily get to know other women. There's been a few over the years that I have really connected with when out, but I don't feel like this about any of my others friends.

I don't know, I've had a few wines so maybe not in in the best frame of mind to be even thinking about it. Such a fuck up really

[Bufferingkisses]

You say women but only cite your friend. Are there other women you would like to get to know intimately or is it just her?

If it's just her if say you're possibly experiencing a crush because the boundaries are blurred. Shared experience, like mindedness, mainly having the fun times of each other's lives leads to increased feelings of closeness and can cross into sexual. However this doesn't mean you are gay or even bi if it's just that one person.

Honestly, i think you need some distance from your friend. Examine your marriage without all those hormones and feelings rushing about. Decide if he's for you and address that. Once you have gone through that process you can look at your future with a man, women or anyone else you may find is a good fit for you.

[Whisky2014]

I think you could be bi. I too am having similar thoughts and am more and more attracted to women. However I am in a happy relationship with a man. I do wonder about it though.

[SoRubbish]

I just feel so fucking confused and I hate it

[HarmlessChap]

I'd never leave DH because I don't want to break up a home for my children and I'd hate to cause him so much hurt.

Not sure that's the best way to look at it. If you no longer find him attractive that will cause hurt in itself, if you eventually leave him when the kids have left home and he finds out that you've been feeling this way for a decade he may well feel you've wasted those years of his life when he could have been building a future with someone who does fancy him.