Was this abuse?

[fishbowl05]

Bear with me as this has turned out long!

This isn't my first post and I have name changed.

I've recently started to believe that when I was 19-22 I was in an abusive relationship. I've never really thought about it in this way but I have a lot of issues with self confidence and have recently started to think more and more about the time I was with this man. Writing down quite a few examples, it has added up to quite a lot. My family have always dismissed anything I've told them as 'just one of those things' and I'm really too embarrassed to talk about this with my friends as I feel like an idiot.

Some examples of his behaviour:

Not giving me my own space - I always had to be with him, even to the extent where I couldn't watch tv alone or go to bed at a different time.

Telling me he hated the person I became when with my friends.

Telling me awful things about my friends to try and stop me seeing them.

Making me do his work for him when we were studying.

I had a job and he didn't (both at university) yet he used to make me give him most of my money because it wasn't fair that I was working and didn't see him.

Making me sleep on the sofa because he was sick of me.

Making me sleep on the floor without blankets because he was sick of me.

Not letting me see my family because he hated being alone - yet didn't want to come with me to visit. Guilt tripping me into not going.

Trying to control my diet.

Everything I did was wrong - bought the wrong food, chose the wrong thing. One Christmas I spent ages choosing presents for him. He said we had to open them beforehand and berated everything I had bought him - made me take it all back.

Shouting at me for spending my money - everything I did with it was always a waste.

Constantly saying I was boring, less exciting, uglier than other girls.

Getting upset if I went out without him
Making up reasons for me to come home when I was at work, university, out with friends

Trapping me in the bathroom for hours at a time and getting angry when I got upset. He said it meant I didn't trust him.

Putting a duvet over my face and getting angry when I got upset because it meant I didn't trust him.

Making me have sex whilst watching porn, because I didn't turn him on enough.

Forcing us to have sex in front of windows.

Pain games - flicking me or punching me and getting angry if it hurt because it meant I didn't trust him.

Outrageous insecurity - making me promise to marry him etc when he was drunk, coupled with threatening to leave if I didn't do what he said.

Had disgusting personal hygiene and forced me to perform sexual acts on him.

Do you think that this relationship was abusive? If so would I benefit from some counselling? I feel like I'd like to talk about it with someone but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

[WingsofNylon]

Fish i spent a lot of time thinking of your post last night. I want you to know that a lot of people share the feelings of doubt about past abuse. It is very comon for people to think that they aren't deserving of support because they can imagine other people had it 'worse'.

Just like you I spent years -decades actually - feeling as though if I were to reach out for help I would be making a fuss. After all on the outside I was living a lovely normal life.

But in the inside I had major self confidence issues, flu s it hard to make friends, didn't know my own boundaries etc.

From the ages of 13-17 I was in what i believed to be a relationship. He did many of the things you mentioned. He forced sexually explicit behaviour onto me into very public places such as peoples gardens and even in class at school. He hated me having friends. He tricked me into eating foods I don't eat. He nagged me all the time because I didn't want to have alcohol. I had no say of what he did to my body. And he bullied my into a contraceptive injection that I didn't want.

The language you use is very similar to that which I did for years.

'It wasn't child abuse, I was too old'

'He was 16, he probably didn't realise how much he hurt me.'

'If I was that bad I would have found a way to escape sooner'

'I still got good greats at school and a place at university so it can't have been that bad'

'A therapist would just think I was over reacting'

I am now 31 and only just starting to really truely accept the full scale of what he did. Here are the lessons i have learned. They may not apply to everyone.

• parents can be part of a support/recovery network but not the main players. They are too close and thier wellbeing is too linked to ours. They also won't always say the right thing. Often they will get it wrong.
  

• If there is any way you can afford it go private with therapy. I'm not saying the available NHS support isn't great but I found I didn't feel in control. I cancelled my gym membership and cut down my good bill to pay for it and it really was worth it. That way i could meet a few and see who was right for me.
  

• There is a lot of pressure in today's society not to 'be a victim'. One of the reasons I think we spend so long trying to convince ourselves that things weren't so bad. One day I got so any and just decided to say 'Fuck it, I AM A VICTIM'. Doing so was an important first step to recovery. As a victim I suddenly felt allowed to be upset/angry/hurt and entitled to support to recover. It was suddenly a far easier burden to be a because I admited it was a burden rather than pretending it didn't happen.
  

Sorry this is so long but I really hope you get a little from it.

[WhitePhantom]

It certainly sounds very, very abusive to me.

I was in a relationship from 19-22, and while it wasn't abusive it was certainly a bit controlling. He was a bit paranoid, convinced I was going to meet someone else... gave me the cold shoulder if I went out with female friends (male friends had been long since discarded ) ... but I really don't think of it as "a massive chunk of my life I can't get back" because it has shaped me. I have much clearer boundaries; I won't take any shit; I have no qualms about standing up for myself if I feel that I'm being treated at all unfairly. It was actually a very valuable relationship - I learned more from it that from any of my happier relationships.

I think counselling would help you hugely. A counsellor won't laugh at you. Counsellors don't look at the outside picture - they know well enough that everything can look rosy on the surface, when underneath is anything but. Please get this sorted out in your head - it will be so valuable to you to be able to lay it to rest and move on.

[nousername123]

Sometimes the abuse that doesn’t leave bruises can be more damaging. This is definite abuse and disgusting behaviour. Yes I think you would benefit from Counselling. I’m a bit shocked at your parents reactions, it’s not “just one of those things” at all. Please don’t ever put up with this type of behaviour from a man again, no one deserves this. Sometimes things in our past do haunt us, don’t let it continue to eat away at you. You may only need a few counselling sessions just to really talk it through with someone, they may have suggestions on how to stop thinking about it and move on x

[nocoolnamesleft]

Sounds like "proper abuse" to those of us reading about it. If someone else told you that all that had happened to them, I'd bet you'd know it was abuse. But because it happened to you, and your self belief got so knocked, you don't totally see it as abuse because it happened to you. But it was. And I think, or perhaps hope, that just writing it all down may have helped you to see it yourself.

You deserve help.

[fishbowl05]

I can't get over the thought probably shared by my parents which was - he/I were too young for it to be 'proper abuse'. He was also only 20-23.

[fishbowl05]

Thanks for all the replies. I feel like because on the outside I'm leading a normal and fulfilled life a counsellor would laugh at me. But I do struggle with self confidence and I think it's changed my perception of relationships. I almost feel that I don't deserve a normal relationship.

Also I feel like it's a massive chunk of my life I can't get back and just at the age where I should have been making a lot of my own choices and not being controlled. For this reason I feel like less of a person. E.g. Don't have a huge group of university friends because I didn't really have a normal university life. I struggled with the 'what ifs' and blame myself.

[bellasuewow]

One of the worst ‘was this abuse’ threads I have read on mumsnet. You have detailed appalling abuse op. Are you ready to engage with a good psychotherapist op? It may take some time but you really need to work through the issues that led to this relationship. I am so sorry you have been through this and wish you the best of luck for a full recovery op 💐

[WingsofNylon]

OP reading your post has really upset me. As Anyfucker and others have said, the fact that you had to ask or concerning and shows just how much he impacted you.

That was a very abusive relationship and yes, if you want professional support with it then go get it. Lots of people won't understand for reasons of thier own pain and insecurity. A therapist will.

I am so sorry that you went through such an awful thing. Be kind to yourself.

[Apileofballyhoo]

I'd a boyf who was very similar but not as bad. I had counselling afterwards but it still had a dreadful effect on my subsequent relationships. Even had nightmares about him the last 2 nights - 20 years later.

[jeaux90]

I have a mum that's a bit of a grief thief too.

I have learnt not to tell her everything.

You were in an incredibly abusive relationship and some counselling will probably help yes. I did some therapy after leaving my abusive narc ex. (Google narcissist I bet your ex ticks those boxes) the therapy really helped.

[fishbowl05]

I also think that in my parents eyes we were quite young, so therefore it couldn't have been 'proper' abuse. I'd say my parents lives are generally quite sheltered though.

[fishbowl05]

My relationship with my parents is ok but they tend to make everything about themselves (my mother especially) e.g. If I'm upset they also get upset, I understand they're worried about me but I think she struggles to separate being able to support me emotionally with getting emotional herself. If I have tried to talk about it they'll just say something like 'well you're single now' or 'it upsets us to if you say that so don't say it' or even 'yes we were also stressed when you broke up'. So I avoid talking to them now.

[Shoxfordian]

Yeah it's obviously abusive. Really just one of those incidents should be enough to end the relationship. Agree with others that you should seek out some counselling or perhaps the Freedom Programme would help

[Cricrichan]

Definitely incredibly abusive. I can't believe your parents don't think that. How's your relationship with your parents? Your childhood?

Agree with others. The fact that you're questioning it, means you could really do with talking it through with a professional.(((())))

[NightmareMonkey]

That'a quite a catalogue of abuse. Glad you are no longer with him.

[SomeBananasAreStillGreen]

It took my ex-husband ten years to actually hit me. .. and in the early days (the first five years) he was nothing like as dreadful as the boyfriend you are talking about.

Please get help!

You shouldn't even have to ask us. What you are describing is beyond horrid, and you need to talk to someone in real life.

Domestic abuse is not just physical bruises. .. you will be scarred for a long time if you fail to deal with this

[TheSockGoblin]

You are certainly deserving of abuse support, and maybe it's taken until now to let yourself really understand that it has had a big impact on you because you needed to protect yourself from the reality of how bad it actually was.

Getting beaten black and blue is not the only form of abuse - did you know that there is a new psychological abuse law now? That just goes to show how seriously you can be affected whether you got heavily physically abused or not.

You've done brilliantly to recognise this, question it all and start to reach out for support - that's really courageous of you.

Please try to access more help via some therapy if you can - it sounds like you're ready to deal with the abuse you went through now.

[fishbowl05]

Also because he didn't ever hit me badly I feel that I'm not really eligible or deserving for a lot of abuse support, rightly or wrongly.

[HighwayChile]

Yes, definitely abusive.

Many local domestic violence agencies offer support/ counselling for historical abuse; Women’s Aid can help you find your local service, their number is 0808 2000 247.

Also I would recommend looking into the Freedom Programme if you have the opportunity.

And I’m sorry that happened to you, you did not deserve it and I wish you all the best

[fishbowl05]

He is married now and has children. I'm not interested in trying to get justice or anything like that. I'm happy not to contact him ever again, but I want to get closure and work through my own problems for myself.

I feel like I've minimised it for so long that I've never considered that it may have had an impact on my confidence and thought patterns now.

[HandbagCrazy]

Yes, everything you've posted is abusive, and the fact that you're not sure shows that you would benefit from counselling, to help you understand and process what happened and to put up strong boundaries to ensure you spot this sort of behaviour for what it is in the future.

Go on to the relationships board and read the sticky post at the top - titled Right, Listen up. It is a great post explaining what a healthy relationship should be and all the things that can be presented as 'normal' but are abusive.

Another idea to hopefully help you see that his behaviour was abusive is to think about a friend telling you that her boyfriend did these things to her. I'm guessing you would hold your friend in higher esteem than you do yourself and would hate to think of her being treated this way

[Puddlesy]

Yes. What you have written is abuse.

It is amazing sometimes when we look back at things through older eyes. If you didn't realise or didn't want to acknowledge it at the time don't feel bad about it.

If you are curious about whether counselling can help, have a word with your GP. Alternative if you work you may have an occupational health department who can put you in touch with soneone. It doesn't have to be work related and they won't tell work.

Maybe something like cognitive behavioural therapy would help with your confidence. This could be along with counselling or independently.

You've recognised it now so now you can find the best way for you to move on. X

[SabineUndine]

The first point about space. That is clear abuse on its own, never mind the rest. Have a hug. It’s sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees when you’re in a situation.

[lou1221]

I'm so sorry this happened. Yes, definitely abuse, physical, mental, sexual abuse. This nasty piece of work needs to be put away! Speak to someone xx