Hey everyone
Thanks very much for any help in advance. I am confused, fed up and angry and have no where else to turn!
I have been with my wife for 15 years since we were 17. She went on the pill after six months or so (relevant later on) and her libido went down. For then next 14 years we got in the same pattern, I would pester and she would be willing and around we go, sort of happy with everything. We have three gorgeous kids and have generally a good life, particularly recently, and are best friends.
In September of last year she came off the pill (she had only come off it to get pregnant and then back on it in the past).
This is where the problems started.
I didn't notice anything at first but then I noticed the bag she kept lingerie and some sex toys (which I bought for us) started to be moved around. This happened for about a couple of weeks. Given our history of it just being ok and her never masturbating I was instantly suspicious. I brought it up with her and asked what was going on and she said she started to feel a lot different and was doing things by herself. Great I thought maybe we could benefit from this, and we did, our sex life was dramatically improved.
Over New Year we spoke about how we wanted our lives to be better and start to do more adult things now the kids are older. Going out, better sex, meeting new people etc etc, nothing crazy.
She initially started by going out with her friends (which she did) a few times and didn't organise anything for us. At this point things had started to get a little weird and distant. We were meant to be trying and she wasn't. On one night out her friends husband brought her back home. In the night when she was asleep I looked at her phone. She had a WhatsApp message from the guy which was simply '😶'. There was no other previous messages. When I asked her about it in the morning she said that she was drunk and probably apologies for chatting in the car too much.
My wife and this man tended to drop the children off at the same time and when I used to go it used to be very awkward which she put down to her being nervous because of how I am. To make matters more complicated our daughters shared a birthday party and he was very weird with both of us, as he was another time during another school event.
To finish it off, even after me saying I was uncomfortable with the situation, she sent a Happy Birthday message on FB. She claimed she always did it but she didn't, and then liked a post of his knowing it would cause problems. Quite unbelievably, I suggested, as we were meant to be moving forward she put a post on Facebook to celebrate our wedding anniversary. She hid the post from this man and his wife.
There were other strange things to happen during the period also:-
- She bought more sex toys and hid them in our house. Very 'exotic' things such as a gag, a leather dress and a toy to wear out and about, plus a missive dildo.
- After I found them she then used to lie about using them when it was obvious she did, nearly every week day.
- She shaved her pubic hair every day which she never used to do.
- She had 'burn' marks on her wrist and when I joked about them she went bright red.
- Changed her passcode on her phone.
- Was always on her phone at night.
- Went to sleep in my daughters room one night because my daughter 'wanted her to', then came back after an hour.
All the while she kept saying she wanted us to be good and she never put any effort. She says now that coming off the pill had sent her a bit wacky and gets annoyed when we talk about what happened.
That is the first half of the story. Since then those things have not happened and she has quite clearly changed. She stupidly went back on the pill and then came off it straight away, got pregnant and had an abortion and had has panic attacks and anxiety since.
She had, up until recently, continued to masturbate but I was the only one who used to initiate sex and try to move us forward. She kept saying she wanted us to be better and then never doing anything.
We are now left in a position where she has no libido (by her own admission) and we don't have sex or really do anything. I have now come to the end of my tether when all we do it try again, then argue, try again, then argue. I cause the argument because I tell her she isn't trying and she agrees she hasn't.
I don't know what to do.
Did she have an affair?
Why has she not tried to make us better?
What do I do from here?
Sorry for the long post but this year has been quite eventful. Any advice is greatly appreciated.