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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Dont know what to do

23 replies

User02 · 30/05/2017 01:10

I have a family member who I suspect is drinking a lot of alcohol. I am also worried about possible driving with alcohol and having child in the car. I worry about how the child is being treated.
There was not much (if any) drinking going on before splitting with a partner. They became closer to certain friends who also had children and despite various children being in the house these people were drinking alcohol to an unknown extent.
Then a new partner came on the scene. This partner appears to be a heavy drinker (perhaps also drugs). The friends started to disappear, family members were not invited to the house when they had been very frequently prior to all these changes.
Many items are being sold from clothes, toys to household goods. Even things which were left decades ago in relatives houses are being asked for. The family response is to say you can have these things but we will check weekly that you still have them. Money is demanded with a lot of pressure. There has been violence to certain relatives only. The "weaker" people.
The child is forced to eat food they do not like. There is little interaction with the child. If relatives do not provide money they can not see the child. The child is shouted at and put down several times in every day. The child is sad, and has mentioned that they do not see the wee friends. The child does not see the other parent or that side of family relatives. This side are being pushed away. Child is stoical about their situation.
The relative can not see what they are doing. They were in a job for many years but I think there has been problems there and I think they do not work there now. There are housing cost arrears and they could be evicted. They borrow money and do not pay back anyone. People are getting fed up with this. The house is not as clean as it used to be. They seem not to use any public rooms. Child in their bedroom and the parent and partner in another. It is isolating for the child and damaging I would think.
As a result of violence I have had to keep away even though I am worried about the child.
It is easy for me to walk away, but the child can not. The child does not have choices. The child should not be seeing this way of life and hopefully should not think this is how to live.
Is there anything I can do. I have heard that we have to wait for the adult to see that they are doing wrong but there are so many people affected here I really doubt if we have time to wait.

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Onetedisbackinbed · 01/06/2017 22:06

What a horrible situation. Would the other patent get involved if they were made aware. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but as this is unanswered maybe you ask that this is reposted in relationships where more people will see it.

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User02 · 01/06/2017 22:50

Thank you for your response Oneted
The other parent is not in contact with anyone as far as I know. I believe they have reacted badly to all this. I wish I could speak to the other parent. There are so many questions needing answers, I don't know how to contact them
I will ask Mumsnet to move this.
Thank you.

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DawnMumsnet · 01/06/2017 23:11

Hi all,

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic, at the OP's request. Hopefully there'll be plenty of MNers who are able to offer advice and support. Flowers

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User02 · 01/06/2017 23:44

Thanks DawnMNHQ

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Growup · 02/06/2017 06:20

You need to report the situation to social services explaining why you are concerned about the welfare of the child and do it straight away.

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noego · 02/06/2017 07:56

SS and quickly. This is a safeguarding issue. A vulnerable child is at risk.

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Tootsiepops · 02/06/2017 07:58

Phone social services. Today.

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weatherbomb · 02/06/2017 08:13

You need to put the child first & make sure he/she is safe. Social services need to be made aware.

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ptumbi · 02/06/2017 08:23

Social Services - anonymously if necessary.

Help the poor child - SS is all they have.

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Changedname3456 · 02/06/2017 10:42

Agree with the pps. You don't have a lot of choice here, other than to involve SS.

You could also raise your concerns with the school the child goes to and ask them to watch for issues. Any reporting they made to SS would carry some weight.

You mention the father and his family being pushed away. Is he just allowing that to happen? Has he not taken any steps to safeguard his contact with the child - gone to court for an AO etc? If not, why not? Do you know him well enough to dicuss your concerns with him/his family - was he a good parent before the split?

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hellsbellsmelons · 02/06/2017 12:44

If you are reluctant to call SS then try NSPCC and see what they say.

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User02 · 02/06/2017 19:42

Hi everyone thanks for postings.
I don't know where to contact the other parent who seemed to be quite an involved parent to the child. I have not seen any of them in 18 months but we were civil and friendly. I have a rough idea of where a grandparent lives so I could go and ask around the area. There were some legal dealings but never seemed to come to an actual case. There seemed to be some disputes about what was done with the child during visits which led to break down of that.
I have discussed this with an acquaintance (not a well known person) and they have put me off SS. I have heard that they are all that there is and even if Police are spoken to their first call is to get SS. This is why I am asking Mumsnet.
I know that something needs to be done for child but don't want it to go badly or wrongly. SS have a poor reputation for this. I worry that SS will take child from everyone and put outside family.
I worry a lot.
Thank you all

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bumblebee61 · 02/06/2017 19:45

What about the NSPCC? This situation sounds horrendous

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TheFoxInTheSnow · 02/06/2017 20:07

Well if the child is in danger then they are better off away from this family.
It may be that they are already aware of the family actually.

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ImperialBlether · 02/06/2017 20:11

The NSPCC will just refer the case to SS.

I think you have to act now. If you phone the NSPCC you will get lots of advice and they'll go through exactly what's been happening. They'll refer on for you, too.

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User02 · 02/06/2017 21:06

The Fox - I meant that if SS were to take the child out of the house they may not place them within the wider family. I could not bear to live in that house and I don't think the child should either but I don't want to lose any chance of being in the child's live.
I know that the parent at home did not want anyone to speak to the parent away from the home. This makes me wonder.
I think I will phone NSPCC because of what I have written here. "I could not live in that house" I definitely don't think a child should be in a place which is too bad for an adult. I will also go looking for the grandparent tomorrow.
Thanks

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Ohyesiam · 02/06/2017 23:25

As bend over backwards to find a solution within the family. If the child needs to be remove and willing suitable family show up, the social workers are really relieved.

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Ohyesiam · 02/06/2017 23:26

S s, not as

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user1480334601 · 02/06/2017 23:38

I agree with ohyesiam

I used to work as supporting admin to SS and they do prefer putting the child with family where possible, only taking away from extended family when there is no other choice

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rolopolovolo · 03/06/2017 01:55

I meant that if SS were to take the child out of the house they may not place them within the wider family. I could not bear to live in that house and I don't think the child should either but I don't want to lose any chance of being in the child's live.

Wow, so you think it's better for this child to grow up being abused than for you not to be involved from a distance, even though you're keeping yourself away for your own protection?

Is anyone in this "family" willing to put this poor child first?

I guess not. Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, social services would rather place the child with family and are not child snatchers. They'd rather work with parents and the wider family unit.

Poor child. Hope they grow up and get far far away!

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User02 · 04/06/2017 01:00

I have spoken to NSPCC. I traced a relative of the child. Discussed the whole thing. People were angry.
There has been some very serious conversations and the adults at the home have been well warned.
The child is away on a holiday, to give them a break from all this crap the school will be informed Monday. SS have been told of the situation and they will see what they can do (so they said) They are aware who the child is with and where.
I think this is for the best. As do others. The main thing is that the child is out of the way for a while and safe! It is a hard line tactic but needs must.
Incidentally SS were aware of other matters and it would not have been too much of a stretch of thought to work out that it was not an isolated situation but they did nothing for that person or the child being discussed. They were actually trying to get some dirt on someone else! This way was instant and effective.
No-one is kidnapped or in any danger. All the child knows is they are having an extra holiday. The authorities are informed and checks offered but as yet not taken up.
Rolopolovolo - It was a dangerous situation for all and having a dig at me (and others) really did not help. I would like to see how you would cope if you knew all the details. I have done what I could and child is being taken care of.

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rolopolovolo · 04/06/2017 01:05

I've called the SS before on people I know. I didn't hesitate. Well done for doing the right thing eventually but please remember who the real victim is here... and it's not you.

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User02 · 04/06/2017 02:09

Dear Heavens. Again you don't know yet feel able to comment. I know there are/have been a few victims. Professionals are aware did nowt.
I am going all out to ensure that the child gets better treatment.

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