Did separating from your partner change your friendships?

[Yellowaardvark]

Just that, really. What were your experiences?

I suppose I am just wondering what other people have found. I'm fairly sure my old girlfriends will be fine, but do wonder about "couple" friends and platonic male friends.

[Yellowaardvark]

Shatners that's terrible!

[ShatnersWig]

One of my closest friends who didn't know my ex before we met and who I had supported hugely when her husband died invited my ex to spend Xmas with her and her kids the year we split up. I was on my own in my flat, she spent a lovely Xmas with them. That hurt hugely.

[QuiteChic]

Child sadly, I think you're probably right. In hindsight we didn't have a clue how to handle their break-up.

[childmaintenanceserviceinquiry]

Bobbin - I have that with male friends. Most are gay but they dont seem able to cope with the emotion. I have realised that my friendship with them, despite being long, is very superficial. Quite sad. And the divorce being catching is funny, and so true!

[jouu]

Yellowaardvark one friend was close and I am still friends with him, just had to take a step back and basically pretend it didn't happen. He has a new partner now and doesn't look at me like that anymore thankfully. He was desperate, tbf. I think that's all it was.

The other was more an acquaintance than a friend. Cornered me at his child's birthday party, leering at me, badmouthing his pregnant wife, inviting me to go off and smoke a spliff with him (!) ... all while said pregnant wife and her family glared daggers at me from across the room, and my DC played on the mat in front of us. I avoid that family as much as possible now. I think some people definitely see a newly single mum as a slag/easy pickings/dying to run off with the next man. It's pretty awful really.

[BobbinThreadbare123]

Yeah, I lost all my old uni mates because they were all male and so spectacularly uncomfortable that several of them simply didn't even say a thing. I'm not overly bothered any more; some other mates stepped up a lot and friendships became closer. Some people act as though divorce is catching.

[schrodcat]

Okay, these are my experiences and I may not leave / it may take me a while to get the courage back up. A friend who has a perfectly nice but totally unhelpful DH plus 2 boys under 3 was horrified: it was perfectly clear when I told her how I was feeling that she felt it was my duty to try counselling first, and indeed any measures I could take, to keep our marriage together (ostensibly for my benefit). Another friend would rather not see DH now she knows how I feel about him, and that can be difficult as (because I "can't" leave for the time being I feel like I am making her socially uncomfortable, but I really need a break from just the two of us and if that means him tagging along too, so be it). Another friend who was very unhappy with her husband a few years ago and wanted to leave him but went to counselling was also insisted I try counselling first. A couple we are close to counselled staying together on the basis of my faith (I am Christian; but, it turns out, not as Christian as I thought). And this is before we split.

[wheresthel1ght]

Unfortunately yes it effected lots of them.i actually lost one of my best friends over it which still upsets me.

I don't think it matters how amicable a break up is, there will always be elements that come across as for & against each member of the couple.

In my case it was not in any way amicable. My exh was emotionally and financially abusive and at times physically, especially once I tried to leave him. He is your stereotypical nice guy on the surface. He comes across as quiet, unassuming and gentle. But there is a horrific dark side to him. No one saw it - behind closed doors and all that.

When I finally left I kept quiet about the reasons. I felt it was between us. He felt differently and told anyone and everyone that I was cheating on him among other bullshit. People I have known my whole life chose to believe him. It is devastating but they clearly weren't that good friends if they could believe I could do any of the things he accused me of.

[Yellowaardvark]

Chesty and Jou - interesting what you say about male friends. Were you close? I'm less concerned about being hit on as their partners not wanting us to hang out anymore, or that they'll think I fancy them. I suppose time will tell.

Such varied experiences from you all

[Yellowaardvark]

Jou that's one of my fears re Mummy friends - there are hardly any divorces in our area yet

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

No not at all but I avoided most of exh friends when I was married anyway. My friends stuck by me

[Feyenoord]

Yes. We both lost some friends. I also discovered that some acquaintances (sp?) actually turned out to be very loving friends. His best friend became my best friend and couldn't stand ex his behaviour.

This all took a couple of years though. All in all I feel like a winner with the great friends that I have.

[user76895432]

No. We had friends we saw together but they were always either my friends first or his. The friends that were mine first remained my friends post separation and didn't see him. Likewise, he kept his friends. The only joint friends we made together were NCT friends and they all sided with me!

[n0ne]

Surprisingly, when stbxh left me many years ago, his best mate stopped talking to him and stayed mates with me. Over a decade later he's still one of my closest friends. xDH was a right wanker, though

[jouu]

My ex didn't have many friends, and alienated all of mine, so no "couple friend" relationships were affected.

I am a person who has few friends but they're close friends. Those relationships deepened.

There were many acquaintance mummy "friends" who became wary/distant and were especially awkward about including me in any couple things with them and their husbands. I got the sense that I was perceived as an interloper and potential affair partner, or as an existential threat - that my very presence might make someone think "hang on, maybe I can leave my marriage too". I can remember driving back from a Christmas party, the year of my first Xmas alone, crying from the exhaustion of dealing with that "frozen out" feeling for hours on end.

I have one friend who believes women need to be coupled up/living with a man in order to be happy, whereas I'm not ready for that and may never be*. Which to her seems I am "refusing to be happy" - I am happy, but anyway! That's been a little awk but we're still friends.

• I think if I lied and said "I think I'm just not ready yet" vs. "I never want to do that again", she'd be more amenable!
  
  Was hit on by a couple of male friends. Not a nice experience and left me feeling sad and vulnerable tbh.
  
  My family absolutely deserted me which hurt, still hurts, a lot.

[Silvereyes]

It didn't change any of my friendships, my STBXH however lost every friend that was 'ours' as they independently saw what an arse he is. He is bitter about how it's all panned out.

[childmaintenanceserviceinquiry]

Gosh Quite, what a good friend you were not. Wow. Thank God none of our friends were like you.

[pieceofpurplesky]

I found out who my friends were that's for sure!. Some of his friends don't speak as they believed the shit and lies he spouted. To be fair I was not that keen on some of them anyway.

[ALaughAMinute]

I lost some friends and some friends became closer.

[Mabelface]

I got dropped by a few friends who decided to take his side. Stupid thing is, there weren't sides, and he was as mystified as I was. I think it's because I was the one who left. I've just resigned them to the arsehole pile now and moved on, but it did hurt at the time.

[ImLadybird]

I didn't but exh did. Turns out all 'our' friends had never really liked him anyway.

[SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower]

I lost one very old friend, who had been really close and really supportive during my break up with EA ex. Weird thing was that as he'd left I realised just how narcissistic and controlling she'd become, so I had to stop talking to get.


BUT.. I got back in touch with so many wonderful friends, made new friends, it's fantastic. Now the ex and the 'friend' were out of the way, I realised just how much emotional space they'd been taking up and it was an enormous weight off when I could have fun with my real friends again.

[SmokedGlass]

I lost a couple too, mostly because they took his side and just dropped me, they only heard his version
We had many friends who kept in contact with me, I meet up regularly with them but keep a low profile as they still had some contact with him
3 years on now he's moved away and everything is back on track
My oldest friends are the best - they still have intermittent contact with him and that doesn't bother me anymore
I've made lots of new friends now and life is lovely

[Deianira]

I had some separate friends of my own who just stayed the same - but interestingly I also become much closer to some friends who'd been his first, then couple friends, then became entirely mine. They basically pretended he didn't exist anymore and carried on seeing me (I still, years on, don't know if they see him now or not, because they never even mention his name!), they supported me, and we continued to hang out regularly until they became some of my closest friends. It may be rare, but they were amazing, and I'll always appreciate it.

[HoHoHoHo]

My ex was weird about mixing different elements of his life. In fact his weird compartmentalism of his life was one of the main reasons we split. As a consequence, he lost all of my friends when we split (because they moved into his compartment of ex girlfriend so wouldn't talk to them) and I barely met his friends so lost no-one except him.