How to set boundaries with demanding elderly relative?

[ClearlyUnlikeable]

By default (my father moving away with his wife and my young half siblings) I have ended up being the only family member my great aunt, who is in her 80s has locally, and have ended up taking care of her. She is independent and capable in terms of taking care of herself but walks with a stick and has medical issues so can't go out alone without my help, and also needs me to do errands for her, shopping, taking for medical appointments etc, which is fine and I don't mind.

However, she has got more and more demanding over time, and I feel totally takes me for granted. I have two primary school aged DC, a job, a home, DH and I have a business, and although I ring her every day I simply cannot go over to her house every day and do things for her; I usually try to see her/take her out/do errands for her every other day. However this isn't good enough and she seemingly will pull any trick now to get me over there, such as pretend she's had a fall then when I get there she's fine, and this weekend as I had a day out planned she phoned me first thing on the day crying and saying her hot water wasn't working. We got there and she'd turned off the switch that operates the hot water. Or she will ring and say she's run out of milk and can I get her some if it's a day I'm not going over, so I'll get her some, drive to hers (she lives 10 miles away from me), and she'll have loads!

She has loads of friends in her village but doesn't like people in the house so won't have them over for coffee even though people are always phoning her. She won't have home helps, won't consider moving into sheltered housing, had a cleaner once a week but decided not to have a cleaner anymore. She won't go to any of the groups for older people in her village.

She completely takes me for granted and always asks after DH and the kids and says how wonderful other family members are but never shows me any appreciation, and moans the whole time I'm with her. Everything is also a drama with her; she will book a doctors appointment then purposely tell me the wrong time so I get there and she'll say 'Oh no we've got two hours yet, lets go for coffee'. It takes up my whole day! If I ever phone her and say I can't go that day as I'm ill (I'm getting a lot of migraines lately) she'll start crying and saying 'It's my fault, I've made you ill', so I feel obliged to go over still.

Worst of all is the constant comments on my appearance. As soon as I get to her house she looks me up and down and comments on everything about my appearance, ranging from pointing out my flaky scalp to pointing out any new spots I've got, asking if all my clothes are new and how do I afford all these new things, commenting on root regrowth on my hair, that my big toe is 'fat'. Everything!!

She doesn't have dementia as she has always been like this, and I understand that she is old and lonely (her husband died 3 years ago), but equally my life and kids matter too and I feel she is so demanding and it's making me stressed constantly.

My dad is mediocre with his support; he'll tell her he's coming up for the day to take her out then be too tired or busy and just won't come, and I've told him all this but he says he'll talk to her about perhaps moving into sheltered housing, but he never does!

How can I set boundaries or has anyone got any other useful advice to help the situation as it's just making me so stressed.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

You are nice and she is taking advantage of that fact, probably with great entertainment for herself.

However, you are not a continually renewable resource. If she has used you up, then you are used up and that is that. Your family duty card has been punched out regarding her.

It is time for you to put meaningful boundaries in place. If she harangues you or shames you for your limits, then it would be time to step away altogether-it would not be healthy (physically or mentally)for you to be around her anymore. Others will fill the gap when they realize you are done.

There is nothing for you to feel guilty about, you have done a ton of stuff. Your boundaries are a result of Auntie's behavior, she brought this onto herself.

[MyOpe]

jeaux I think had some great advice.

I think you need to talk to her and tell her that because of your commitments - work, family, business, etc, you can only come over once a week for an hour or two. Jeaux has some great suggestions on page one of this thread. If she refuses to do any of these to take care of herself, thats her problem. I'm sorry but she's using and manipulating you.

I would NOT get involved in arguments or explaining or so forth. I think if you are clear and straightforward in your tone there is less opportunity for her to become emotionally manipulative.

She sounds quite selfish to be honest. And not very pleasant either.
Do not give her all this energy you should be giving to yourself and your own family and work.

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

Tell her she has one chance. If she lies to you again then that's it, you'll be ignoring all her pleas for help from now on. You'll still go at organised times, but if she has an "emergency" she's to call 999 as you won't be reacting. If she rings you for whatever reason remind her to call 999 and then put the phone down.

I'm not saying that these calls are, in any shape or form, emergencies but I can't see her actually ringing them anyway. I mean, what is she going to say, "I've run out of milk, send the police!"? But you are showing her that if she really does need someone there are options.

And I agree with getting your DP to answer the phone and, if necessary, lie on your behalf (or do the same yourself). You're busy. You're in the hairdressers. You've just cut your foot off. Whatever. I do that on my DP's behalf in a similar situation and feel no guilt at all.

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

There has been some excellent advice on this thread
and the thing is , she probably has a lot of this stuff in mind. Most people don't actually meander into old age without any kind of plan. They do plan and think .."Ah when the house is too difficult to upkeep I will get someone in to help out, then if that gets too much hard work I will get a nice little flat with ,,,etc"
But shes not admitting to herself she has got to a stage she has to move along with this, and because she can get you to come trotting along, she doesn't have to. You are kind of enabling her failure to assess her own needs here OP.

I think its time to both be grown up and have the hard conversation you have both avoided. Actually ask what her plans are / were supposed to be..because I'm pretty sure that if she though about whats really going on that it is long way from what she had planned.

[expatinscotland]

You know why no other family member will lift a finger for her? Because she's a mean, manipulative, selfish, attention-seeking cow. Think of it this way, OP, every time she pulls a stunt, she is taking away time you spend with your family. Think of what an example you are setting for your kids: to put up with being bossed around and criticised by a nasty piece of work, that a selfish cow is a priority over them and your family days out and whatnot.

If I were your h I'd be fucking furious, too, especially at how she criticises you.

She needs a social worker and home help and that's too fucking bad if she doesn't like it.

You are going to have to start saying NO. She calls that she's fallen, you tell her to ring 999. Her hot water doesn't work, tell her to ring her LL.

She is FAR more capable than she is letting on. She's lonely because she's a demanding, selfish drama llama.

'Everything is also a drama with her; she will book a doctors appointment then purposely tell me the wrong time so I get there and she'll say 'Oh no we've got two hours yet, lets go for coffee'. It takes up my whole day! If I ever phone her and say I can't go that day as I'm ill (I'm getting a lot of migraines lately) she'll start crying and saying 'It's my fault, I've made you ill', so I feel obliged to go over still. '

You answer, 'That's a pity. I have other things to do. Here, let me book you a taxi for nearer the time.' And then you LEAVE.

'It's my fault, I've made you ill.' 'Yes, you have. I need to scale back my time with you because my own family has to come first.' And STOP feeling guilty.

As for her criticising your appearance, you need to start getting angry.

'What a rude thing to say! I don't have to tolerate such rudeness. I'm going now.' She cries, you say, 'I'm the one who's hurt here. I'll return when you can manage to be civil to me.'

[SundayR0ast]

I would suggest that some longer term things need to be put into place

What happens if you go on holiday ?

What happens if you are ill ?

What happens if the weather/traffic is bad and you cannot go to her house

[Dairymilkmuncher]

Plan a holiday!!! Give yourself some family time away from her and once everything has been put in place for while you're gone (like one of the services mentioned above) it won't be the scary unknown anymore.

Maybe try and get to know he local friends too so you can call up one and say she's ran out of milk, would you mind popping round with some, or would you mind taking her to the gp tomorrow I've got an appointment at the same time. After a couple times of friends turning up with milk when she has already or two hours early for appointments she would probably act differently with them than she would with you. I'm guessing they are elderly too and would be more likely to see her as manipulative rather than old and dotty?

I also think you sound like a very lovely relative to have, please don't be hard on yourself and give yourself a break.

*If you don't want to go on holiday maybe just pretend

[ALittleMop]

Yes to all the above.

Stick up for yourself!

Also your dad seems to be being selfish and useless, and a firm word with him about how this is affecting you, his daughter, not only his aunt, would be a good idea.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

The bottom line is that she's doing all this because you're allowing her to. She won't press her emergency button, accept carers, invite others to the house, use dial-a-ride or anything else at all, because she prefers to manipulate you into doing it and she knows you will

She's not going to change things so only you can do that - and believe me she'll fight you with increasing tears, more "inventive" emergencies and probably horror stories told to others about how hateful you're being

So you have a decision to make ... are you going to allow her to eclipse even more of your life, or will you make the admittedly difficult but very necessary changes?

[JigglyTuff]

What expat said. I had an elderly relative like this. She didn't suddenly become a nice person because she was old.

[ClearlyUnlikeable]

Thanks again everyone for the advice and help!

I've started to set a few boundaries this weekend; she wanted me to go over today and said no, I can't as DS had a swimming lesson. I also said I won't be able to visit her until Monday as Sunday will be a busy day too. She wasn't happy and was most put out but it's a start.

[expatinscotland]

Every time you cave into her, your family is being robbed, think of it that way. Too bad if she's put out. If she pulls any of her stunts, don't fall for it! 'I've fallen!' 'I'll call 999.' 'I'm out of milk!' 'I'll ring you a taxi and they can come pick you up.'

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

The others in the family refuse to be taken advantage of. The fact that you are willing to be taken advantage of does not mean that they are leaving you to take up the slack

I have an alcoholic family member. An auntie has given him loads of money and effectively facilitated him being an abusive bastard. She has ranted to me that she has to do everything for him because the rest of us are selfish bastards who won't do anything for him because we know she will pick up the slack. Um, no auntie, we actually refuse do anything for him because he's a cunt and we wonder why the fuck you enable his shit.

Good on you for saying no. She's obviously smart so she will find a way to get milk and get to doctors appointments without you.

She has you as a slave and she is a cow so she will be unhappy and put out when you don't stand for it. It all gets a lot easier if you accept that and don't try to make her be happy about you withdrawing.

[TreeTop7]

She's a manipulative liar. Pretending to fall, switching off the hot water - both are despicable. The crying is cynical.

It's good that you've started to set boundaries. I think you need to be very robust from now on. Start getting support in place for her (charities, social services) on the basis that your availability is now limited.

If she refuses this support she needs to understand that there will be consequences and that you won't be rushing over there.

[TheSunnySide]

Oh god sorry. Wrong thread.

[llangennith]

She's obviously very, very, lonely but this is not your fault. As pp have said, you need to contact agencies that deal with the isolated elderly. They will arrange for her to go to a day centre once or twice a week at the least. You must stress to the Agencies and organisations that you are not a close relative and don't live near her so she is vulnerable.
It's kind of you to take her shopping but do not be at her beck and call.

[expatinscotland]

'you need to contact agencies that deal with the isolated elderly. They will arrange for her to go to a day centre once or twice a week at the least. You must stress to the Agencies and organisations that you are not a close relative and don't live near her so she is vulnerable. '

The lady doesn't want to go. And the OP is already doing enough for her without organising her social life, which she doesn't want.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

No, don't sort out agencies for her. She will not engage. She can phone them herself. She's got her marbles. Don't infantilise her.

My PILs are in their eighties, quite infirm, and take pride in being able to sort out their own support services. It's not that hard to access help if you want it. It also means there is tremendous good will around from family and friends when help is truly needed.

[FeralBeryl]

Oh OP I feel for you - I've let myself be in this situation not once but twice

Firmness is the key. Unfortunately in my cases, both became most belligerent with any other 'help' suggestions and were also derogatory about anything they could think of to do with me.
The crunch was being 8 months into a difficult pregnancy also with a toddler and being summoned immediately for an emergency which turned out to be being low on jam
They are great at making you feel that you are literally their only hope when this just isn't true!
She's safe, she has her lifeline.
Really, I beg you to find big girl pants as it starts impacting on your whole family so so much.
You sound like you've made a great start with this weekend

[jeaux90]

Well done clearly. It's what we do with our parents. Set the expectation and tell them we have kid priorities which is true. Good to tell them when you will be there though. It's a bit like having a kid when they get like this. They need to know when things are happening etc

I just phoned mine and told them I could pop in with some things they need but then I have to take my kid swimming and do homework with her etc

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Brilliant decision, Clearly

Do be prepared, though, for her to think up even more ingenious "emergencies" ... as I mentioned upthread, she's unlikely to take this lying down

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

Sympathies. Tough situation and unfortunately it doesn't get better or easier (bitter experience).

You have to put boundaries in place and learn to say 'no' and mean it. At the moment she wants you to visit every day. But soon she'll want you to spend more time there and you'll quickly find that whatever you offer her will not be enough unless you have her living with you. Learned dependency can develop extremely quickly so you have a fine balance to maintain between helping, and ensuring that you don't do too much.