Had the rug pulled

[Neverwantedthis]

I posted a while back under a different user name. General jist was dh of over 20 years has announced out of nowhere (no fights etc and get along fine) that he no longer wants to be with me. He swears no OW and doesn't know why feelings changed.

We've given it a few extra months but all came to a head again yesterday and he still wants out. In fact I'm inclined to think he only suggested working at it to make it not look so out of blue to everyone else as he seems keen to run the story that "things haven't been right for a while" despite fact that until he dropped the bomb everything was fine and emotions only been running high since his revelation

So now I'm facing being a single parent to 3 kids under 7 whilst he swans off into a new life. I'm beside myself but trying to hold it together for the kids.

He's going to find somewhere to live asap but we still need to tell the kids. Their world will be shattered as this is just so unexpected (nobody will believe this we have been such a strong couple upto now). Do we tell them now or at the point that he's found somewhere and is able to actually leave?

I can't believe that this is happening and am still in a state of shock

[User627938362]

I'll come at this from a mans perspective and see if it helps you to understand things any better. This was me recently. I just felt totally unhappy with my life. I am 46.

I think men can get to a certain age when life just seems so dull. nothing to aim for anymore. Career set, house in place, 2.4 kids, a wife who seems happy just ticking over and has perhaps lost her mojo a bit with the daily grind of family and no excitement anymore. Pre planned "date night" with pj's and episodes of coronation street on the others....conversation about kids only.

I was on the verge of doing the same. I just felt something was missing in my life. I had an overwhelming feeling that my life should be better and leaving was the only way to achieve this. I can't pinpoint why. There wasn't an OW in my case although the thought of being with someone more exciting had entered my head.

It came to a head for me and I was diagnosed with severe depression and have been on medication for 18 months almost now.

There may be another woman but also perhaps not. I am sure it is not easy for you. It wasnt easy for my DW either and whilst things are not perfect still, I am glad I went for help as feel better not on medication than I did back then.

[springydaffs]

Great post 627

[TheElephantofSurprise]

OK, so you know it's over and you know you don't want to try to make him hang around if he doesn't want to be there.
I can assure you that he is a cunt, because he's leaving you with three children to care for. On the other hand, you've got your children, that's a vast amount of happiness for the rest of your life (along with all the stresses, obviously) and it means that when you feel like looking at men again, you can think of them purely as pleasure. For fun.
The important thing is to get good legal advice, urgently, and to ensure you get everything you might be entitled to from the ex, and get it in writing, through the courts. Just because he's well off doesn't mean he'll want to share it with you and his children, especially when the (I'll bet she's not non-existent) OW starts complaining. And I've just noticed someone a couple of posts up has said the same thing, so I must be right

[Hermonie2016]

User627, what was the reason you sought help rather than leave? It takes insight to look within and OP husband isn't doing that.

OP, have you asked your H if the issue is within him rather than his family circumstances..as the saying goes "you take you wherever you go".

[stumblymonkeyreturns]

I think User627 has hit the nail on the head. I believe that this is the underlying reason for a lot of affairs and divorces where everything seemed fine to the other partner.

I'm female and often have the same feelings...is this it? Life used to be so exciting and now everything is routine, now major life decisions have been made (career, partner, etc) you miss the feeling that the 'world is your oyster' and everything seems so very tied up.

I think there are a few types of people....some don't get these feelings at all or very often as they are more likely to feel content rather than restless, some (like me and 627) get them and toy with the idea of shaking everything up but realise the grass isn't greener and give ourselves a bloody good talking to, others follow their restlessness.

Unfortunately you can't change other people, only the way you handle them. You won't be able to convince him to stay.

If I were you I would tell him I thought he was giving up a lot for a mid-life crisis and would encourage him to seek counselling to work through his feelings but otherwise you need to turn your focus to you and the DC.

Get your ducks in a row by getting records of everything financially, see a solicitor, figure out what (if any) benefits you will get, plan some nice things for yourself and the DC, make a list of all the things you can do now you don't have someone else around...

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

He's wriggling out of his commitment to you and I'm so sick of reading about men doing this around age 40. For no good reason other than they fancy being a bit freer really.

I often wonder what the men would do if when they announce they're leaving, the wives say "OK, and take the children with you, I'll just have them every other weekend". It doesn't happen and they know it. So off they go to their new, freer lives, leaving the women to pick up the pieces. I bet they wouldn't be quite so keen to leave if they suddenly had to arrange childcare around their oh so important careers, spare time, and new women.

[Neverwantedthis]

I see what you're saying 627 but I'm in same boat and I'm not looking to ditch my commitments - nice house, 3 lovely kids, no money worries but a husband who works a lot etc. Marriages need work and it just seems to me he isn't prepared to put the work in which hurts even more given how hard he's worked to get to where he is.

I probably should have seen this coming, having thought about it further he has always been someone that is never happy with what he has and always wants more despite having a very nice life - Im now just like previous jobs, cars, houses - he's moving on to bigger and better. Hopefully one day he'll look back and see what he threw away

[neonrainbow]

You need to proceed on the basis that he means it. Get thee to a lawyer and get the finances all sewn up.

[yetmorecrap]

Whataloadofbollocks. I actually did this , not proud of it , but basically he was in a better position , had family to help, I didn't , and was a good bloke, I was bored , neglected and unhappy , actually worked well

[Hermonie2016]

How are you doing?

My friends h was like this, always seeking the next thing and left her with 3 dc under 7.

He did have ow, 5 years later my friend is much happier alone and thriving.
You will be in shock and feeling rejection but it's not you.Hard not to take it personally as he's walking away but one day you will see it clearly.

[CharlieBoo]

Really feel for you! I also would bet heavily on OW involved. Do men really walk away from a marriage and 3 kids for nothing?

I'm in a similar situation and my husband sounds similar to yours.. successful in his job, driven by money and climbing the ladder.

You will come out of the other side of this but in the mean time see a solicitor and look after yourself..

[user1486915549]

Whataloadof....I often wonder that too.
I also bet the shiny new OW wouldn't be so keen !

OP. I hope you are seeing light at the end of the tunnel x

[Neverwantedthis]

Thanks all. I'm doing OK. We're amicable and I'm on auto pilot I think so as to not affect the kids. When he moves out though I fear it will hit me hard.

We've gone through finances and sorted what we're doing in that respect and in respect of the kids. We're not looking at divorce yet

[Phillipa12]

Op you were me 20 months ago, dc4 was 6 weeks old and exh spilled the line of ive been finding it hard to love you these past few months! He had everything, high flying job, large house, nice cars but it wasnt enough, he always wanted more, the grass always looked greener. We seperated and then i found out that he had actually wanted out of the marraige for a while as in 2 dc previously (last 2dc were his idea) so i started divorce proceedings, it was just before myself and the dc moved back to my home town that he announced that he wanted our old life back, he had made a mistake etc etc. Needless to say that was 9 months too late, if he had told me that in the first 3 months when i was trying to save our marraige it could have been a different story. I did move and am now divorced, i and the dc are incredibly happy in our new life, he however isnt as he misses his family. I wish you all the best op and i hope that he realises what hes got before its too late. Xx

[Heathcliffitsme]

I had exactly the same. He was unhappy and he left suddenly. 9 months later he was back saying the single life wasn't what he wanted and he missed his family. We did try again briefly but it was too late for me. My feelings had gone. Btw he didn't leave for someone else and five years on we are both still single!

[Neverwantedthis]

So been a rough week, told all my immediate family now and starting to tell friends. Also found out yesterday he has been to view properties. Struggling to hold it together now

[weatherbomb]

OP just wantes to offer a handhold. Pls remember that he is no longer your friend. I know this sounds harsh but if he cares you wouldn't be here. I really hope his issue is something he can get help with but it's more likely to be OW. Pls get your ducks in a row and feel free to pm me if you would like details of an excellent family solicitor. You don't need to do anything but it's really important to know what may lie ahead for you and your DC. He may very well turn into someone you really don't know & probably would not like and it siunds like he's made his mind up if viewing property. Wishing you strength at this time, you will get through it but he can tell the DC - he owes you that much

[Neverwantedthis]

Thanks weather. He hasn't told anyone yet let alone the kids

[MissBel12]

You poor thing, this is absolutely awful. It sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. I don't necessarily think there's an OW involved, but I know it would make it easier if there was (more final, more clear, and you could hate him, rather than being baffled by him). As user627 said, it seems like sometimes men just freak out when they look at their lives and how they measure up to Earhart what life is "supposed to be like" (which is obviously BS). I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I wouldn't be surprised if after a few years of "freedom", he realizes how life is completely empty and that it's not all it's cracked up to be, and then comes crawling back to you. I've seen it happening before. But you can't wait for that as it might never happen, and you can't change his mind, so all you can do is try and be strong and get through this awful time, and hopefully it will get easier with time

[weatherbomb]

OP, just checking in to see how you're doing.

[SillyLittleBiscuit]

Hope you're ok OP. My advice is put on your game face, take what he says about wanting to leave at face value and make plans. Paint a smile on, be strong, get serious about finances. Don't show him any weakness. Polite, amicable but distant. Basically fake it til you make it. You will be ok.

[Neverwantedthis]

I'm exhausted to be honest. Having to pretend for kids that everything OK, having to tell people and keep going over it, telling people I'm okay when quite honestly I'm not, and constantly disecting and overthinking what has and hasn't been said.

He has however taken one of the properties he viewed so will have the keys by end of month which is when we will tell the kids.

He still hasn't told anyone and now I've got his mom being arsey in texts to me because I've kept my head down because we are quite close and I didn't want to lie to her but he didn't want me to tell her cause he was going to. He's said he will tell her this weekend but I'll wait to see if that happens.

The stress is definitely showing now and we had an arguement Thursday night and somehow I appear to be in the doghouse now and getting silent treatment or basic civalities around kids. It's helped actually as I'm moving from hurt to pissed off which will help.

[MrsPeelyWaly]

Re the silent treatment etc. He'll be building up a case in his head against you and his imagination is now having a field day as to how you are all wrong for him. It's the way he'll justify what's happening. I'd tell him to go to his mums till his property is available but before he does - he can tell the children.

[Neverwantedthis]

Yeah I sort of get the impression he needs to me to be responsible for all this so he's finding things to hold against me.

Im just so emotionally worn out now I'm done