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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Had the rug pulled

71 replies

Neverwantedthis · 30/04/2017 15:45

I posted a while back under a different user name. General jist was dh of over 20 years has announced out of nowhere (no fights etc and get along fine) that he no longer wants to be with me. He swears no OW and doesn't know why feelings changed.

We've given it a few extra months but all came to a head again yesterday and he still wants out. In fact I'm inclined to think he only suggested working at it to make it not look so out of blue to everyone else as he seems keen to run the story that "things haven't been right for a while" despite fact that until he dropped the bomb everything was fine and emotions only been running high since his revelation

So now I'm facing being a single parent to 3 kids under 7 whilst he swans off into a new life. I'm beside myself but trying to hold it together for the kids.

He's going to find somewhere to live asap but we still need to tell the kids. Their world will be shattered as this is just so unexpected (nobody will believe this we have been such a strong couple upto now). Do we tell them now or at the point that he's found somewhere and is able to actually leave?

I can't believe that this is happening and am still in a state of shock

OP posts:

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mylittlepony6 · 19/05/2017 16:19

This happened to me a long time ago. I only had one DS at the time. Five years later, I met the love of my life and had two more DC. I am happier than ever. I am actually also a much better partner myself now. You will get there. I can actually talk about it now without feeling any sadness but that took a long time. Take care.

Hermonie2016 · 19/05/2017 14:53

Definitely get a contact routine in place, will help the children and you.After a while you will long for the child free times to recharge your batteries.

Has your solicitor advised divorce so that there is a clean break?
My stbxh expects to see dc when it suits him.I do try to be flexible around his work such as travelling but make the weekends and holidays stick.Children need the knowledge of when they will see a parent.

You are doing well..I'm 6 months further down the line than you and life is pretty good.All my friends tell me how relaxed I look and I feel happier.I am sad for the dc as they want mum & dad together but for me it's not a bad thing.You probadly have been sacrificing your needs so you will get a chance to rediscover what makes you happy.

Neverwantedthis · 19/05/2017 13:51

Sky-blue you are correct - he should be a single parent too, not just a single bloke! I have told him his hours are going to have to change, his life is going to have to change as he's ruined one relationship and I won't let him ruin his with them.

Finances are agreed, we just need to get the separation agreement drawn up now. Mine and kids lifestyle will basically remain same day to day (we just won't be able to afford the type of holidays we've had previously etc)

OP posts:

SkyBluePinkToday · 19/05/2017 13:27

He's going to try and see them as much as he can around work

Sod that. Start as you mean to go on. Do not let him think that he has the option to decide when he sees them at his convenience. Set up a schedule from day 1. The DC need the security of knowing the routine. You need to be able to rebuild your life, which you can't if he is allowed to decide contact is only at his convenience.
You may want to get a job. You will want to get a new life.

The reality is he has 3 kids - he doesn't get to leave and be a single man again. He gets to leave and be a single parent just like you.

supermumofmany · 19/05/2017 12:17

My ex husband did this to me after starting a new job then 6 months later I got the "not sure if I still love you" speech. I went straight for 50/50 care of kids so I could still work,study and be mum. His life is a bore and the novelty wore off quickly but that's his problem not mine. I absolutely love my life as and I actually feel I'm a better parent as have time to recharge before the come back from his. You will get though this it just takes time

SchnauzerLife · 19/05/2017 12:13

*you're

SchnauzerLife · 19/05/2017 12:12

Just hand holding. You've been so dignified and strong. As above, makes sense to see a solicitor and get any current agreements documented. Hope your ok

ChinUpChestOut · 19/05/2017 11:51

At some point OP he's going to talk money, and he will have the upper hand as he's the one paying it out, and he'll be doing that after paying out his new household expenses. He might think that decreases what he should pay you. Be prepared, know what your rights are by law, so that you can still negotiate it now. Don't settle for anything, and don't try to do this later when you're dealing with the DC having just found out.

Do what the other MNers have said: Go to a solicitor now.

averythinline · 19/05/2017 11:44

Trying to see them as much as he can...bullshit... He has chosen this he has to take responsibility for the consequences... 1night a week and EOW is standard ..start with that .... I would eat my hat if there is not an ow in the wings in not actual.....

averythinline · 19/05/2017 11:41

Seriously you might think finances are sorted but please go to a solicitor ...start proceedings yourself if need be...do not let him dictate the timings of everything....

Neverwantedthis · 19/05/2017 11:37

He's going to try and see them as much as he can around work. He's ordered beds for them at his

OP posts:

muntcunch · 19/05/2017 11:10

My ex did this too, swore no ow. Few months later there she was.
I'm on my own too with three under eight years, he and her are currently on holiday. Bastard.
Start preparing for everything you need, solicitor etc. Have the upper hand

SkyBluePinkToday · 19/05/2017 11:07

What are his contact plans for the DC? Is it 50/50?

Neverwantedthis · 19/05/2017 09:56

Hes just gone out to pick up the keys to his new place and take delivery of his furniture. His mom, at the point of being told he was walking out on us, has offered to be his maid so his cleaning, washing and ironing will all be taken care of

He's away next week so we plan on telling kids when he gets back.

I'm so exhausted by all this

OP posts:

Foxysoxy01 · 19/05/2017 09:52

Op I really am sorry for you.

I know it all feels beyond shit right now.

Do you think it might be easier to get him out now?
He seems to be behaving very selfishly with the added indignity of wanting his new life all set up and ready while comfortably living at home, not rocking the boat with the kids or his friends and making up reasons to justify his behaviour.

Do you think him staying with his mother would make things easier? Especially for your own mental health? It must make it really awful having all this hanging over you but just waiting around for him to make his move so could you take back some of your power and start to tell him what you want? I.e get out of the house now you shit bag and enjoy the fallout from telling the kids daddy is having a midlife crisis and is unable to act as an adult anymore.

I would get everything in a row legally asap!

Do let him deal with the kids, it's not your decision so you don't need to break it to them.

I would be telling his friends and family the real story before he has time to come up with his imaginary story.

You will be ok OP. I can promise you will look back in time and surprise yourself with how much better life will be.

SkyBluePinkToday · 19/05/2017 09:34

And there is an OW. No doubt.

SkyBluePinkToday · 19/05/2017 09:33

Will he have the kids half the time? Or is he planning to drop the bomb and then leave you to clean up the mess?
You should tell them now so he sees and has to live with the impact of his decision. He can't tell them and then run away to his cosy new flat.
Stop playing by his rules. He is leaving when he wants to. Telling the kids when he wants to. Telling family when he wants to. Bollocks to that. Do what you want , when you want. Think about what is best for you. What is best for the kids. What is best for him is irrelevant now. He has put his own needs above you and the kids - time for you to take some control back and start doing the same.

woodfornuts · 18/05/2017 21:26

So he's going to tell the kids and then leave to his new place while you sort out the fall out. Nah, do it today. its not fair on you. Pre-empt the discussion by saying your Dad has something to tell you all.

toitoi · 18/05/2017 21:12

Don't let him hang around while he gets his ducks in a row. I did this with mine and it's soul destroying. I should have told him to go immediately. I would say tell the kids asap as well. The weight of the secrets was almost too much to bear for me and not good for my mental health either. Get your team of friends around you as soon as you can. I would bet my right arm there is an OW lurking, 'giving him support'. There certainly was for mine. Stay alert!

noova61 · 18/05/2017 18:50

Tell him to move out to his mothers...let her deal with it, but tell DC before he does..he wants to have his cake and eat it, doesnt work that way. My ex actually told me he was "trading me in for a younger model", hed been seeing her for months, taking her to works dos while I stayed home or worked...he even passed her off as his actual wife at said dos. We divorced, he remarried very quickly, she had 3 kids..he left me with 5k of debt..he left her with 10k...hes now on his 3rd wife...hes not happy and he never will be. Dont back down, bad manners and childish behaviour you get from kids, not a grown man whos meant to be your partner. I know its hard but rise above it and show him what hes losing. I had no DC with ex, thankfully(couldnt stand the thought of his mother having anything to do with them...but thats another story!!). I was on my own for 2yrs, met new DP and weve been together for 27yrs now, have DD and now DGC...her partner walked out on her saying he wasnt ready to be a full time dad, pay bills and live together, he wasnt happy etc, etc, he wont pay maintainance...but hes got a new gf and a new baby on the way...Make sure you get ALL finaces sorted in your favor and get a good solicitor...Wishing you much luck and love...xx

Catinthecorner · 13/05/2017 16:25

Just because he wants to keep it a secret doesn't oblige you to. It may have done when you were a team but he's decided he doesn't want that anymore. Don't collude with him to hide it from his family.

And get a shit hot lawyer and get the divorce rolling. He doesn't get to have his freedom and space and changed feelings AND a wife at home if he changes his mind. You might find he does once you start pushing to finalise the split so you can move on with your new life. If he does I'd be very wary of welcoming him back with open arms. Let him earn your love, respect and feelings.

Neverwantedthis · 13/05/2017 15:35

Yeah I sort of get the impression he needs to me to be responsible for all this so he's finding things to hold against me.

Im just so emotionally worn out now I'm done

OP posts:

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MrsPeelyWaly · 13/05/2017 14:34

Re the silent treatment etc. He'll be building up a case in his head against you and his imagination is now having a field day as to how you are all wrong for him. It's the way he'll justify what's happening. I'd tell him to go to his mums till his property is available but before he does - he can tell the children.

Neverwantedthis · 13/05/2017 14:26

I'm exhausted to be honest. Having to pretend for kids that everything OK, having to tell people and keep going over it, telling people I'm okay when quite honestly I'm not, and constantly disecting and overthinking what has and hasn't been said.

He has however taken one of the properties he viewed so will have the keys by end of month which is when we will tell the kids.

He still hasn't told anyone and now I've got his mom being arsey in texts to me because I've kept my head down because we are quite close and I didn't want to lie to her but he didn't want me to tell her cause he was going to. He's said he will tell her this weekend but I'll wait to see if that happens.

The stress is definitely showing now and we had an arguement Thursday night and somehow I appear to be in the doghouse now and getting silent treatment or basic civalities around kids. It's helped actually as I'm moving from hurt to pissed off which will help.

OP posts:

SillyLittleBiscuit · 12/05/2017 12:42

Hope you're ok OP. My advice is put on your game face, take what he says about wanting to leave at face value and make plans. Paint a smile on, be strong, get serious about finances. Don't show him any weakness. Polite, amicable but distant. Basically fake it til you make it. You will be ok.

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