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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why does dating have to be so hard?

67 replies

Popcorn08 · 22/04/2017 09:10

Just feeling a bit pathetic, fed up, and sorry for myself at the moment!!
Haven't dated anybody for a year, haven't been in an actual relationship for 20 months...

Most the time I am not unhappy being single. I have lots of friends, good social life, go to the gym, have a job I enjoy... but I do want to date, I do want male company, physical affection, someone to go on dates with ect... I'm not even saying I want a serious LTR, but just to date would be nice!!

But people seem to make it so complicated! I'm fed up of all the 'rules', all the games people play because you can't text back too quick because you will seem to keen, you have to play it cool blah blah blah. Why can't everyone just be honest and straightforward about what they want?!
If I want to message someone why can't I do it without feeling like I'm breaking the rule of the man needs to chase? I'm not even sure what I am trying to say to be honest. I'm just fed up of all the dating mind games, and feeling like you have to play things perfectly..it is just tiring!

I wish everyone was blunt and straightforward.

OP posts:

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LesisMiserable · 29/04/2017 12:31

Why prioritise virtual strangers in your life though? People have to earn their place over time surely?

Disappointedinlove · 29/04/2017 12:16

IME men do seem to find it easier to keep their feelings as FWB, whereas I know I (although obviously can't speak for all women only my own experiences) have always hoped for more, or at least wanted them to keep me as a priority. Whereas as soon as they meet their ideal woman they're off without a second glance!

noego · 29/04/2017 12:13

Women Like the idea of FWB as well. I know!!

LesisMiserable · 29/04/2017 11:51

Men want to find love just as much as women. If anything perhaps they are more pragmatic than us.

user1490465531 · 29/04/2017 11:48

The main reason a lot of men are not upfront about it is they know a lot of women would not be into it so they fake it to get the sex.
I think FWB is more popular for men than women.

LightYears · 29/04/2017 11:33

A man can be respectful, polite, gentle, well mannered and have all the traits, but can also be in a FWB relationship or poly or open. Who gives a sh1t, as long as they're upfront about it, that's the bloody trouble, they aren't!

noego · 29/04/2017 11:30

Oh and vice versa can apply to a woman as well.

noego · 29/04/2017 11:30

A man can be respectful, polite, gentle, well mannered and have all the traits, but can also be in a FWB relationship or poly or open. Perhaps they are not living in the matrix or the Maya as the Buddhists would say.

noego · 29/04/2017 11:28

A man can be respectful, polite, gentle, well mannered and have all the traits, but can also be in a FWB relationship or poly or open. Perhaps they are not living in the matrix or the Maya as the Buddhists would say.

LightYears · 29/04/2017 11:09

Me too user

user1490465531 · 29/04/2017 10:41

I think it's more the way men seem to behave in the dating world now.....I struggle to find any true gentlemen left these days and yes maybe it's not cool these days but I'd like to find a man with old fashioned values not into all this FWB crap you hear so much about on this forum

LesisMiserable · 29/04/2017 10:05

Ah Grasshopper!

LightYears · 29/04/2017 09:55

I'm not sure about all your talk about judgement. As I get older I care less and less about what people think of me. Being hurt by these people on OLD, isn't judgement, well, not for me anyway, I couldn't really give a sh1t about what they think about me really, all I know is I'm too good for them, they've missed out big time and I've dodged a bullet.

noego · 29/04/2017 09:20

It doesn't matter whether you open yourself up or not. As soon as you walk in the room the judgements will start. These judgments, perceptions, opinions will become their reality. But it is there reality not yours. So it essence it their problem not yours.
You do not have to meet someone to be judged, they can judge you on what you write. But once again it is their judgment not yours. Never take anything personally if you do then the judgment they have made of you has been projected onto you. YOU don't have to believe it.

LightYears · 29/04/2017 09:01

I suppose it's just a matter of learning to identify the moment to open yourself up. All we can do is live and learn. To keep on trying. Better that than to give up anyway. Nice that people can come together on forums like this and share their experiences and know they aren't alone.

noego · 29/04/2017 08:36

Yes been hurt, haven't we all, but not by someone who I've had a short investment. Completely open and protect myself by not taking anything personally. Their perception of me is their perception, not mine.

LightYears · 29/04/2017 08:19

What is going on in their lives that makes them feel the need? MH issues or loneliness or have been previously hurt. Yes, I agree.
The thing is, when do you start emotionally investing or actually connecting with others, if you always have some sort of barrier up, then how can you do that. Are you telling me you've never been hurt by someone or do you protect yourself by not opening up completely.

noego · 29/04/2017 08:01

if you take a message on OLD personally then it will hurt you. If you do not take anything personally then it doesn't, does it?
I tend to view these messages with compassion. How sad is it that people have a need to send weird messages? What is going on in their lives that makes them feel the need? MH issues or loneliness or have been previously hurt.

LightYears · 29/04/2017 06:32

Of course you can delete but it doesn't stop you get hurt before you do that. Have you not come across any weirdos and players, because that's all I've encountered. I'm not exaggerating either.

noego · 28/04/2017 23:55

How hard is it to press the delete button?

Mari50 · 28/04/2017 21:22

Match, was only for about 12 hours. I have no experience of OLD, just found it odd that so many younger guys would contact me. Ranging from 21- 31, I could've given birth to them

Biddylee · 28/04/2017 21:14

mari50 what site did you go on?

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IcanMooCanYou · 28/04/2017 21:14

I moved to a new city and used meetup to make new friends. I had (still have!) a long term partner, but at least 3 of my female friends I met from it have dated and found long term relationships through it. They absolutely didn't set out to do that- just met casually in larger groups (walks, dance classes, pub quizzes) and have all said it was so much less pressure than OLDing. Might be worth a look?

LightYears · 28/04/2017 21:03

Not sure what a year has got to do with anything.

User627938362 · 28/04/2017 20:51

How can you be fed up with something you haven't done for a year? Shouldn't this post have been made a year ago?

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