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How to manage finances when DH won't?

32 replies

NotAPuffin · 20/04/2017 08:47

DH is not good with money. He had huge credit card debt when we got married. It took us the best part of 10 years to pay it off; in the end I put my foot down and we got rid of the cards and got a loan out to pay off the balances.

I started using YNAB 3 years ago to try and budget better. He promised to stick to the budget but he never has. He never stops to think about whether the money is there for something or not, he just buys whatever, whenever.

It's not as if he's drinking or gambling, it's always toys for the kids or stuff for the house, but he's spending outside our means and at the moment, each fortnight we're a little further into our overdraft before we get paid.

I spoke to him about it last week when he spent over 200 on lamps, and he promised to rein it in, but I've just seen on online banking that he went to Ikea and Homebase yesterday and spent another 130. We moved house recently and the place does need stuff done to it but I just can't make him see that we need to slow down and only do it at a speed we can afford.

I feel so controlling having to keep going on about this; I'm starting to think I should just take away his debit card because nothing else seems to work (and we've been together for 17 years so I've tried lots of approaches!) but that feels like financial abuse. I'm just so tired of being the only one trying to keep us on track.

What can I do?

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user1490817136 · 20/04/2017 12:09

Definitely , you should feel like a team.

My df and I don't have a joint current account , we pay half each of the bills (similar earners) and take turns paying for treats and household stuff. If one of us ends up short then the other just pays for something of around that value in future. We're lucky enough to have similar views on spending and we budget together each month.

My ex was like your DP though , he would leave the budgeting to me then ignore any of my requests to leave x amount of cash for the phone bills or whatever , which would leave me with no cash to take the kids out. I am still paying our joint debt , alone , several years later.

Bloody nightmare.

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OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 20/04/2017 12:21

I'm sorry OP :( you should definitely feel like a team. The fact that he is refusing to acknowledge or take responsibility for what is happening would be a deal-breaker for me. I know it takes my DH a huge amount of patience to put up with my financial irresponsibility, but I think one of the things that makes it easier is that I fully acknowledge the issues I have and work with him on it.

If he isn't willing to do that, I don't know what more you can do :(

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SolidGoldBrass · 20/04/2017 12:30

Sounds to me like your next step should be to consult a solicitor about ending the marriage. You don't have to actually file for divorce at once, but it's worth finding out what your options are - and how you can make very, very sure that this man can't punish you for leaving him by bankrupting you.

He's the one who's financially abusive. The fact that he simply does whatever he likes and expects you to pick up after him is a clear sign that he is not your partner, does not love or respect you, and is far too selfish to change.

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Joysmum · 20/04/2017 12:46

I can't understand why people are advising a joint account? I don't believe in them, especially with someone who has different spending habits.

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NotAPuffin · 20/04/2017 16:08

Msqueen33, ironically, he works in accounts, so the concept of expenses not exceeding income isn't altogether alien to him!

And I do actually enjoy budgeting. A lot. Weirdo I don't think he should take as much of an interest in it as I do, but I think he should be able to restrain himself to only spending money we actually have.

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piglover · 20/04/2017 17:42

My ex was like this. Note the ex.

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magoria · 20/04/2017 18:07

You got married to a man with a huge credit card debt and spent 10 fucking years paying off his debt.

Imagine what you could have done with that money!

Now he is being an ungrateful shit and turning off his phone because he doesn't want to hear the hard truth about how much of a shit he is still being.

He has made it clear he isn't going to change.

All you can do is change your part.

Personally someone playing fast and lose with money is one of my dealbreakers having watched my mum trying to survive on 50p for meals.