Always comparing myself, judging myself, beating myself up. Tell me what you think of my life?

[staryeyes00]

I am a single mum to 3 dc's. I am a student nurse also working. I'm exhausted ALL of the time.
I am a size 14-16 and I wobble alot. I don't like what I see in the mirror. I am always always trying to either diet, exercise more, stop drinking wine. Then i binge and stop going to the gym then beat myself up. I decide to date then I talk myself out of it, telling myself maybe lose a bit of weight first.
I am surrounded by people on diets who prepare food from scratch to people who run half marathons and are regular members of the gym. Also people having false eye lashes, teeth whitening to a new hair style each month.
Me on the other hand. I am boring. I have grey roots, my clothes are years old, I drink too much red wine and I don't eat properly. I don't even know if I'm happy?
My dcs are my life and we spend lots of time doing fun things but i think I have lost me. How can I be happy just the way I am? Or do I need a life makeover? I have lost my sparkle. I hope I am making sense here!

[staryeyes00]

Thankyou everyone
Thanks for all the tips, definitely going to take them on board

[Mrskeats]

I think you are working hard to improve yourself and to be qualified to do a really valuable job. Good for you. And all this whilst you are bringing up 3 kids.
Your negative stuff seems to be a lot about appearance but seriously is this what counts at the end of the day? You sound a great mum-roots and old clothes aren't what is remembered by children.

[Rattata]

Old saying "Comparison is the thief of joy" - you are doing great and are amazing. I often start ruminating first thing in the morning if I wake before the alarm - so I just get straight up and get busy doing other things. Like someone suggested above - think of a few things that day you did well (got the kids to school on time, had fun with the DC etc.). Talk to yourself internally as if you were the best friend and advocate you could have - what would they say about you - be kind to yourself. These little exercises may sound silly but eventually they do work and help to develop better pathways of thinking.

[MysweetAudrina]

I am busy, I do have a dh but also 5 kids, full-time work and studying for my accountancy finals. The things I do to make me feel good are a face mask from lush, a scented candle and a bunch of daffodils/tulips, none of them expensive but they are not essentials and they feel like my little reward to myself when I'm am running from pillar to post. Also a walk with the kids somewhere nice, a woody park or by water also give me a lift. If you have spare money definitely get your eyebrows done as they instantly give your whole face a lift. It's amazing the difference they make. I think it's finding the little things that make you feel good. Sometimes if I'm being hard on myself especially before i go to sleep I will list 5 things that I was grateful for that day it helps me focus on the positive things in my life.

[Ampersand22]

My top tip is go charity shopping and get some nice floaty scarfs and shawls for the summer, makes it look like you have a whole new outfit. Some skinny ones for a hair wrap (you tube has loads of stuff on how to), covers up all the dodgy bits. I even use scarfs for skirts over a pair of skinny trousers, covers up your arse a treat :)

[Ampersand22]

Brilliant, glad to hear that. I am trying to start a business at the moment and you should see my clothes and hair. Grey/mouse/ginger, holes and stains and safety pins on everything. Yummy.

But, it is because we are sacrificing short term fun for long term gain. We just have to take that view, that it will all come good in the end and you shall have beauty treatments galore one day. It sounds like you wouldn't have time for a relationship, so just knock that on the head for a bit, you are focusing on your career and long term prospects, and concentrating on your health and wellbeing.

You are not inherently boring, you are in a boring situation. Being tired and skint is boring, not you love. You're a Phoenix, don't worry about any of it.

[staryeyes00]

Thankyou Ktown indeed!

[Ktown]

You sound like a great intelligent mum. Really lovely.
A bit of spit n polish and you will probably feel better about yourself.

[staryeyes00]

Ampersand - I think I am trying to do too much at once. You're right. I was actually thinking this yesterday. I have to break it down and yes I have to start with the food and alcohol intake. Thankyou for that. I do need to start being kinder to myself. I am definitely going to try

[Ampersand22]

You are drinking wine because you are sad. I've been there too. You've probably got your reasons to be sad. But what I read is that you are a fighter and I respect and admire you, and you have got to start giving yourself that message too.

[Ampersand22]

Single mum to 3
Student nurse
Working
Skint
Exhausted

You have got so much on your plate! You are doing all this and still beating yourself up? No need OP. Please please please try to eat properly though. Think of easy meals you can chuck in the oven. I had chronic fatigue when I was single, living alone and worked too many hours. I tried to reverse it all by diet and feel 100% better now. I ate every day, a baked potato, a baked chicken thigh and a dirty great big salad with toasted nuts and seeds in it, just a bag of rocket/watercress/spinach with things cut up into it, vary it a bit. Not very interesting but it was easy and nutritious and it's all that my imagination could manage at the time. Beware of getting malnourished, the most important thing to do right now is address the eating thing. The rest can wait while you're still studying. Please take care of yourself. Sending good thoughts x

[staryeyes00]

Jonty - That's actually not a bad idea Thankyou!
Spudlet - I am feeling quite emotional after reading your post. Wow good on your mum. What an achievement. I do wonder how my dc's feel. I sometimes miss things at their school and usually running around last minute searching for things like a yellow top they need to wear that they forget to mention until 8pm the night before or a lost trainer. I feel a little bit rubbish when I hear of mums baking for this and that. I question myself ALOT when I am running late for their clubs. Many of times I look at their little faces and think 'Am I doing the right thing'! I do hope all of this will be worth it. Reading your post gives me that hope so thankyou

[Spudlet]

Do you know what op? You sound just like my mum was about 15 years ago - a single parent to three children and (in her case) doing a return to nursing course. I remember full well how shattered and busy she was. I admire her massively for turning her life around after being left in the lurch, and I admire you too!

It did also get easier for mum - she qualified (requalified I suppose) and started work, which was still hard but strayed into her 'at home' time less than studying does. She's now remarried to a lovely man who a colleague introduced her to, 2 of us have left home and she's a deputy ward sister, working part time. And she has time to do her hair and go running. Your life will get easier too! In the meantime, you are doing a brilliant job and your kids know it. They must be so proud of you, because I'm certainly proud of my mum.

[JontyDoggle37]

Just an idea OP, if you want to drink less wine, and you want more money for getting you hair/nails/new clothes, how about a Trade-Off pot? Every time you fancybsome wine, you put the cost of your normal bottle in it towards something else you really want instead. Then it's a real reason not to drink wine rather than just 'i shouldnt', and it's a small change you can fit in amongst everything else. By the time you've not had wine 3 or 4 times it's probably enough to get your roots done!
(I don't have 3 dc, just one, but work 50-60 hours a week in the city, and have to manage horse, dog, and my elderly mum, so everyday feels like I need to be superwoman, and being rigorous about having time for me is really important. I'm very fortunate that I have a supportive husband as well, although he is similarly busy. We spend as much of daylight hours as possible with our son (he's 2) then fit everything else in around him.)

[CDAlady]

But it's not hidden. It's on active convos and I posting on it!

[staryeyes00]

What would be the reason for that Trich?

[staryeyes00]

😘 thankyou all!

[whattodowiththepoo]

You reminded me of a student nurse that I met after an operation, I still think about how much she helped in ways she couldn't have known.

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Then I'm even more in awe of you, Cariad!

Big cwtch to you, from another Welshie (albeit far away in another land).

[EivissaSenorita]

To me you are supermum and that's what your kids will remember when the grow up. Yes looks after yourself, eat healthily, a bit of exercise, but the rest, the Botox, fake white teeth, hair extensions, nothing worse than vanity and self obsession imo

[RubyWinterstorm]

be kind to yourself.

Even in your own mind, speak to yourself in the way you would speak to a dear friend. Being down on yourself is a way to nowhere.

Think of your achievements (3 lovely kids, a hard worker with a career path) and stat being a bit "selfish", i.e. spending a bit of time and money on yourself.

[staryeyes00]

Ineedmorelemon - I don't get much free time, unfortunately. Long story but their dad doesn't co-parent what so ever. I have begged him to many times but gave up a few years back. My mum will help if I ask her but rely on her for childcare when I work too. I do take time out for super hot bubble baths and one evening a week I make myself stay awake past 9pm to watch adult tv. We have a film night each week too as most days it's bonkers with. I am really trying to make an effort on finding me again.
Some days feel harder than others but reading, it's normal I guess.
Thankyou 😊 it's actually nice to hear people say I am amazing. It's something I never hear so honestly feel so much better.
No I am from Wales. There is obviously someone with the same issues as me living in London with the name beginning with K 😊

[whattodowiththepoo]

Do you work at a hospital in south west London with a name that starts with K?

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Do you get any time to yourself, OP? Do the kids go to their father?

I'm a full time working single mother, but only to 1 dc and I live by the seat of the pants most days, but you sound amazing - 3 kids, study and a bloody stressful job. Kudos to you my lovely!

On my EOW I try to do a big shop, blitz the house a bit then try and take an hour or two on myself. Sometimes it's soaking my feet and painting my toenails, soaking in moisturiser in front of the tv or getting my hair coloured and speaking to my lovely hairdresser once every 6 weeks.

If it wasn't for those snatched hours I couldn't get through it. It felt bloody selfish at first, but, if you don't look after yourself then who will?

I'm trying to eat a bit more healthily and I'm finding that making a huge bowl of couscous with veggies and having some pots of cottage cheese and hard boiled eggs ready on a Sunday night is really helpful for the week. But if I don't then I try not to beat myself up about it.

Then I eat chicken nuggets in front of the tv in my t shirt and pants.

Be kind to yourself. You're amazing!