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Relationships

Please help me make sense of this....

49 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 02/04/2017 19:09

I need some opinions on wether I am just being sensitive and expecting too much OR if I'm quite right to be feeling pissed off!

My partner left for work this morning 6:30, just as I was coming downstairs with my 3yo (prev relationship) and our 7 month old baby, ready to fill an 11 hour day with them on my own. As he went to leave he kissed me, kissed the baby and my 3yo was just sat there. He didn't even attempt to say goodbye to her. So I said, "what about E?" His response was that he didn't think she would want to. Now the thing is, they have a strained relationship, my daughter is very hot and cold with him which results in him not bothering. That is my issue. We have had talk after talk about him putting in the work and effort with E, lengthy discussions about how important it is that there is no difference between 3yo and baby. I feel that something isn't right and I have tried and tried to get through to him, I'm at the point now where I'm thinking it's at the point where if I don't do something about it soon it's going to affect her. He's great with me, with baby but with my 3yo all he sees is the tantrums or the strops, nothing good. I just don't know how much more I can try to drum into him that he needs to put more work in with my daughter. He's been in her life since she was 16 months old, am I right in thinking we shouldn't be having these issues? It's not like he's a new person in her life, in fact I imagine she can't remember her life without him being in it. All this aside....

I text him on his break and asked why he didn't acknowledge E this morning, he said a few things and then said he had to go.


Today I have cleaned the house, walked with the baby and 3yo to go shopping, lunch, park, flower shopping, walked home, we've planted seeds etc I've fed and changed the baby all day, mowed the grass etc he comes back from work and says nothing at all. The only reason I knew he was there was because I looked up, seen him there and jumped!! He says bare minimum to me. I then made dinner, gave him his dinner, no thank you or anything, I fed the baby hers while I ate mine, he finished his and just sits down right next to us, no offer to take over or anything. Puts his plate in the kitchen, no attempt at washing up while in STILL feeding the baby. Just sits there. I had to ask him to do baby's pjs. Still not talking to me, hasn't asked what we've been doing, no recognition of everything I have done today. Nothing. I feel like the house maid.

I just don't know what to do anymore

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Ricecrispies16 · 04/04/2017 07:17

Just realised last night I said he'd shit himself! Was meant to say SAT himself

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Ricecrispies16 · 04/04/2017 07:13

It's rented, in my name

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/04/2017 00:48

You've broken up with him before so you know what to expect. You know he will be nasty. You know he will manipulate you in the extreme.

We could help you plan your way out, avoiding the traps of the past.

Who owns the house?

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Ricecrispies16 · 04/04/2017 00:22

I've come to bed now because the baby will be up early, meanwhile he's shit himself in the living room downstairs and will no doubt be up until the early hours on his phone. I doubt he will come to bed tonight so it'll be me up all hours with the baby again. Just doesn't seem fair

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Ricecrispies16 · 04/04/2017 00:20

If he is then I don't think he intends to be. I said to him earlier that I'm fed up of being made to feel like the worst partner in the world and he said he's not doing that, he's just saying things he's not happy with and I need to suck it up and take it on the chin so we can move forward. But I can't help but feel that way when he says I've done something that makes him feel I don't care or that he's sick of arguing etc I don't want to argue I really don't! I'm so fed up of the mindless crap

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AllllGooone · 04/04/2017 00:19

He's not good enough to raise you 3yo. She doesn't deserve that.

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Joysmum · 04/04/2017 00:16

It's never about you is it? It's always about him, his feelings and him making you feel obligated to him.

Surely this now needs to be about you and your needs.

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Nipplesunited · 04/04/2017 00:14

It doesnt make you sound pathetic at all. Do you think he could be quite abusive? Maybe not physically, but its definitely flagging warnings of possible emotional abuse from your posts

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Ricecrispies16 · 04/04/2017 00:11

I'm scared to. We've had a couple of nasty break ups in the past and when it happens he has a way of making me feel so shit and so worthless and it leaves me feeling guilty and desperately wanting to make amends because I then feel I've done something terrible and left him for no good reason. I end up in such a state over it, I can't face it. That makes me sound so pathetic but I can't explain it

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Nipplesunited · 04/04/2017 00:05

Ltb. Honestly he sounds like a sulking teenager.

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Ricecrispies16 · 03/04/2017 23:59

Not good, we didn't speak all morning, he left for work this afternoon without even a brief goodbye, nothing. So I sent a text mid afternoon explaining why I'm upset and he straight away turned it all around on me. I've just spent the last 3 hours being told he's done nothing wrong because of X, Y and Z. Just exhausting. Then he says "my throats hurts I don't want to argue anymore" and that's it. He made himself a coffee without bothering to do me one (we always make coffees for each other every time we have one) and is now sat on the sofa like nothing has happened. I feel so deflated.

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sems · 03/04/2017 21:48

How's it gone today?

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Ricecrispies16 · 02/04/2017 22:58

Even when he's not at work I'm the house Cinders.

I appreciate that he goes to work BUT that should not mean that's his bit done. I think a lot of parents on here will agree that raising children is a job in itself, why should his job finish at 4? But mine at 8?

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NeonGod73 · 02/04/2017 22:53

I think he expects you to do all the above mentioned chores because he works and you are at home on maternity leave with the kids. Was it the set-up from the beginning, something you agreed to?

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Joysmum · 02/04/2017 22:46

Yep, you've got problems and you're right, you need to put boundaries/standards in place now and get rid if he won't can't live by them.

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Ricecrispies16 · 02/04/2017 22:39

Yes

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NeonGod73 · 02/04/2017 22:38

Are you on maternity leave?

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Ricecrispies16 · 02/04/2017 22:34

Sorry that's long I needed a rant!

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Ricecrispies16 · 02/04/2017 22:34

I am going to have to have a proper talk with him and explain that it changes now else I'll have no choice but to end it. That will go down like a lead balloon.

We've not spoken all night, this is what he does though, goes monotone and waits for me to sort things out but I just can't be arsed anymore. Since he got home he has done fuck all, literally not lifted a finger, in fact tell a lie, he changed the cot sheet but had to come get me from bathing my 3yo because the sheet wouldn't fit (he'd grabbed the first sheet he saw, a travel cot sheet). The reason he didn't realise that is because he's never made her bed since the day she was born, it's always me! Just like it's always me that changes every bloody bed! Just been getting ready for bed, realised baby's bottles need doing, asked him if there's any fresh ones "no"... guess who's done the bottles Aswell? Me! Who made dinner without a thank you or anything? Me! Who's got the fucking pots to do tomorrow morning because he will leave them there to rot?!! ME!!!! I just can't take it anymore!!!! Laziness and it makes me resent him and almost feel repulsed at his sheer lack of motivation! I am BORED of this!!!!!

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sems · 02/04/2017 21:52

Aw I really feel for you this must be terrible. I echo the above my 3yo can be very off with his dad (biological) he just prefers me, sometimes he's in the mood for daddy but more often than not it's me. My DH is nonplussed with this. He just laughs it off and is there when our son wants him. So her actions aren't unusual. He needs to realise he is the adult here and he needs to be the one to make this relationship work. Ignoring you isn't on, I would flip at that. Not only is he being a childish bastard with your daughter but now you. I couldn't stand it and would tell him now to work on a resolve or he can go and find somewhere else for the night

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AgentProvocateur · 02/04/2017 21:27

I couldn't stay with someone who treated my child like that. Poor girl - she's old enough to feel that she's second best. That's probably why she's "hot and cold" with him.

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Darbs76 · 02/04/2017 21:24

I think you need a long chat about it - or if that's not possible as he wont listen or go off in a sulk write him a letter. Spell it out, you need him to make more effort with your daughter or you won't be prepared to continue the relationship. Maybe she's the way she is because of how he is with her. She might not pick up on the difference in the way he treats her and her sister now but she will soon so you need to sort this out with him. Spell it out that if things don't improve you are leaving (or he is). I ended a relationship with my partner due to his treatment of my then 16yr old. I should have done it sooner as it broke my heart for years the way he would blank him so often - but when it got more serious that was it - we left. Children have to come first. Good luck

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TessyFew · 02/04/2017 21:19

Agree with nipplesunited! Tell him he needs to grow up and be the adult. She's clearly testing him and he's failing miserably. He then feels shit about it and blames you.

He needs to get some advice and be a strong, consistent and dependable parent. She'll stop testing him when she trusts him to always be there even when she's giving him the cold shoulder.

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ImperialBlether · 02/04/2017 21:19

I couldn't live with someone who treated my child like that. I wouldn't even sit next to someone on a bus who treated my child badly, never mind live with him.

And what's it going to teach your baby? How good is it for a small child to know they're preferred to their sibling?

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NeonGod73 · 02/04/2017 21:18

If your 3 year-old is quite often stroppy and your partner is at the receiving end of it, then that's why he doesn't bother anymore. To you your kid seems like the most loveable little tyke even during a tantrum but unfortunately not everybody will react to her like that. I know it's not the answer you were expecting but there you go. There are kids who can be quite difficult and no matter how friendly you are with them, all you get in return is sulking, rudeness and tantrums. Then after a while you just give up and don't care.
Do you make sure you try to discipline your toddler when she is unreasonably stroppy or demanding? If not, your partner will resent you for it. The other thing is that you kept pushing on about this subject to him all day, and it must have been rather annoying to him.
I've seen little kids really letting it go in the presence of their mother and the mum not even trying to make an effort in managing the kid's behaviour, and if someone pointed out to her she was having none of it. Just saying....

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