I met a guy on an OLD site just after Christmas. We emailed back and forward for a couple of weeks, then arranged to meet. A few days before we were due to meet, he got in touch and said he’d had a second date with someone that weekend and wanted to focus on pursuing things with her (let’s call her A).
I was disappointed, but glad he wasn’t trying to mess either of us around. So I replied and said thanks for being honest and that I hoped it would work out for them. I didn’t expect to hear from him again, but then got an email from him suggesting that we meet for a drink as friends as we seemed to have lots in common. I was a bit dubious, and asked him if that was ok with A. He said yes, he’d discussed it with her, and she was fine with it – so we went for a drink and it was lovely. Lots to talk about, very relaxed. There was no flirting, and we kissed on the cheek at the end of the night. I went home happy to have made a new connection / potential friend who seemed like a decent person.
About two weeks later, we met up for dinner – again, we had a lovely relaxed evening. Towards the end of the night he asked if I’d met up with anyone else from the OLD site. We talked about dating generally, and I asked how it was going with A. He talked about the end of his last relationship (in November) and said that he’d come to realise that he wasn’t ready for a full-on serious monogamous relationship and just wanted to date casually for a while. He’d discussed this with A but it was clear that they wanted different things, so they’d gone their separate ways.
We’ve met up a couple more times, the most recent being last night. In the last month he’s moved out of the flat he shared with his ex (she moved out in November), and he’s changed jobs. He’s said that the break up affected him more than he’d realised at the time, and that he just wanted to stay clear of dating / relationships in any form for a while, until he settles into the new flat and the new job.
From my point of view: he’s very attractive, we get on really well and have a good time together, and normally I’d be interested in him – BUT I understand that he’s clearly not over his ex, and 100% not open to anything long-term with someone new. So I’ve been arranging dates with other people, trying to open up my own social circle a bit more and generally getting on with life. I feel happy that we met and that we’re building a decent friendship, and I like spending time with him. I worked in a male-dominated field until 2011 and always had lots of male friends. I’ve lost touch with most of them and miss having male friends to hang out with. It was nice to do that again with this guy. This is the first time I’ve developed a friendship with someone this way – I’ve stayed friends with exes after a relationship ended, but I’ve never gone from meeting online to becoming friends and skipping the dating / relationship / sex part, if you see what I mean. It’s been a nice surprise to think that this could happen.
Anyway, we met up last night, went to see a film and then had a drink afterwards. In the pub, he mentioned that he’d been on a date the week before (let’s call her B), and ‘she clearly wants something monogamous and long-term, and I’m just not up for that, but I really hope we stay friends.’
On the way home I felt disappointed and a bit upset, and this morning I realised why. It feels rather like he’s ‘shopping around’ for new female friends via dating sites. A, B and I all wanted a monogamous relationship; with me and B he realised that he didn’t want monogamy / a relationship, he met up with us anyway, and now wants to see us as friends.
I thought he was a decent honest bloke, now I'm suspicious that he seems to be building up a list of women who he knows like him, maybe for when he is ready for a relationship. AIBU to think of him like this?
I appreciate that because I’m attracted to him, I’m biased. I hadn’t realised until last night that I wasn’t ok with being just friends, or how I’d feel when he told me he’d been dating other people.
Maybe it doesn’t matter what he’s doing / what his motivation is, and I should just cut contact with someone I’m attracted to who clearly doesn’t feel the same way about me. I’m guess I'm disappointed at the idea of losing what I thought was a new friend.
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Is this weird, or AIBU?
SodsLaw2017 · 29/03/2017 12:15
op don't think that way 
. If he thinks that, or is leading you to believe he thinks that, then he's not good enough for you.
Kick him to the kerb and move on - if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, why bother giving him headspace?
"You're not good enough for him to have a relationship with"
That's exactly how I feel
Do you know what, he may just enjoy your friendship - someone to give him a female perspective on stuff.
He doesn't want a relationship with you so the choice is yours - meet up as friends and continue to OLD etc., or not meet up.
I have a good male friend, I love his company and it's a bit "date" like when we go out but 100% just friends, very close, confide in each other etc. He's not an alpha male and genuinely enjoys female company. Been friends for 15 years now 
he drove me to my wedding 
It's not weird but yanbu to think on it.
It does sound like he's being honest (but you are the only one who knows how genuine he is and comes across) but he also sounds a bit self absorbed from your conversations.
I keep thinking back to that episode of Friends where there is a guy keeping Phoebe at arms length until she practically begs him to sleep with her on a no strings basis. (Not saying you're going to op )
I think you just need to think of it genuinely as a friendship that won't go anywhere and will probably end when he finds someone he wants to be serious with who may possibly not want her partner to have a huge friend group from a dating site.
If you do meet up again, one test would be to cut him off with the deep relationship woes conversations with a cheery "ah let's not get down into all that relationship melancholy tonight...did you see X on tv last night?"
See if he keeps bringing himself back as the main topic...
Well he sounds a bit of a drama lama imo - is there any need for all his deep musings over what he is and isn't 'ready' for? What's wrong with going out for a drink and just seeing how it goes.
He sounds a bit self obsessed - and I also suspect there's some BS going on. He clearly is wanting to date or he wouldn't be on a dating site? 
. So maybe until he finds someone who ticks all his boxes, he's trying to collect a few admirers to stroke his ego a bit?
I would drop him and concentrate on somebody who is looking for the same thing that you are.
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