Feeling very vulnerable. Am I right to?

[GidgetMems]

Backstory: DP and I been together for two years, I'm almost 30 weeks pg. We've been having a rough few weeks and I've been questioning things. Last argument was yesterday. About the fact that he's very unaffectionate towards me, rarely cuddles or kisses me. Sex has been on a very steep decline since we found out about the pregnancy. He doesn't want it. This is hard for me and has had a negative affect on my self esteem.

So today, he leaves about 1 to go briefly to work, then on to a mates to go out for a bit to catch up. No problem, he won't be back late he says. Last contact we have is me texting him to have a good time, I'll probably be asleep when he gets in and that I'm still struggling with things as they are. This was in response to a text he sent me and was just after he left. No reply.

I have DC from a past relationship so I just crack on with stuff with them, have a bath and head to bed early. He's usually back 10-11 as he works 12 hours a day on weekends. Wake up to my son at 2 and he's not here. Check my phone to find a missed call at 21.50 ( I went to sleep early) and a text saying he was staying at his friends as it was 5 mins from work and they were having a good time. Also that his friend was a mess and 'needed' him.

I'm not saying this isn't ok, I just feel really vulnerable. The pregnancy has really changed me from who I used to be and is having an effect on how I view myself. Him barely touching me in even an affectionate way is seriously adding to my self esteem issues. So this seems big to me. The fact that I'm struggling so he disappears. I won't see him until Tuesday now as I'm always asleep when he gets in. But his friend is struggling so he must stay with him. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

[GidgetMems]

Thank you for your input. I disagree that in this situation it is damaging to them when they have no knowledge of it nor of my 'tolerance'. He does not drink around them or at any time when he due to be around them the next day. He works weekends so doesn't drink then. The Dc spend a lot of time with their father during the week.

I don't disagree he has a problem and that it is not acceptable. I thought it was being handled and now I feel differently. That's a battle for him to fight when he's ready. I can't make him do it, but I can make sure he doesn't come back until he does.

[Dozer]

Whether or not they actually see him drinking, his alcoholism - and your tolerance of this - will be damaging for them.

[GidgetMems]

He is drinking less than he was at his worst, but that's not the point. I'm not trying to defend him because he's wrong to still be drinking but he really hasn't had alcohol around them.

[GidgetMems]

He doesn't drive. And only goes out once a month. This was the first time he wasn't home by 11, and he's never been completely wasted, but that's due to his tolerance rather than not drinking much. He will have had a lot, it just takes really a lot to have a massive effect.
They've not even know he has any alcohol as he has only had some when they're in bed.

He's stayed away and given me space, so that's something.

[Dozer]

If you split up there is no reason why he couldn't, if you wish, continue to see all the DC.

[Dozer]

It's really NOT brilliant for your DC to be living with an alcoholic, and for you to stay with an alcoholic. Hope he doesn't drive them.

The staying out, friends getting into bad situations etc, is also linked with the drinking.

[GidgetMems]

I realise that things are probably not fixable now between us, but despite the issues he has been brilliant with my DC. We knew each a long time before getting together so they've known him since birth. Their father is very impatient and critical towards them. My DP is quite patient and has spent time building their confidence back up. Especially my eldest who due to his help has been able to train for something that a year ago she would never believed she could do. He's encouraged her and believed in her and she needed that from a source that wasn't me. He's is similarly supportive to my others.

[MargeryFenworthy]

Why have you brought this man into your life? Do you think it is helpful for your own DC?

[GidgetMems]

And no, that is not me 'sticking up for him.' sigh

It is a fact, he is honest, he came to me to discuss him 'introducing' alcohol again. He knew I'd disagree and to be honest he could have hidden it quite easily to avoid confrontation. But he wanted me to be aware of how he was feeling. He's really not one to hold back so the one thing I'am sure of is that he's not lied to me in any way.

[GidgetMems]

Lying about what? He's pathologically honest, if I asked him how much he had to drink yesterday, he'd just tell me. He doesn't go in for deceit.

I agree there are issues. And they are likely to finish us.

He's never not come home before, he always comes back, pubs don't draw him in, he prefers to have a drink at home. So despite the drink issues, it was still a surprise to find him not here.

[QuiteLikely5]

Hmmm sounds like he's lying to you!

Tbh there are many issues here which imo predict doom!

Believe me you should still be getting on brilliant after only two years together and there's nothing more damaging than when your man won't come near you.

He has a drink problem? Don't be surprised when he finds it hard to return home from the pub!

Good luck with this one!

[GidgetMems]

I agree he's an alcoholic. He's never been 'out of control' so I guess he's a functioning one, job all fine, been promoted with no question of competence etc. He just very much 'had' to have a few most days. He 'quit' at New Year, and went to the doctor for advice. He didn't touch a drop for a month. He then decided to introduce it back into his life a couple of times a week, just one or two. I wasn't happy about this and told him so. I asked him to return to the doctor for further help but he insisted he could stick to one or two drinks a couple of nights a week. I didn't push the issue (too tired tbh) and that's what he did. One or two beers or ciders a couple of times a week. I'm not 100% sure but I think he's been creeping it up the last two week. It's a road I do not want to be going down again. He will have been drinking heavily yesterday though his tolerance is very high so I know he would have been in a better state than his friend. But drinking is drinking and if he has an issue with it then he needs help to combat it. I can't force him to do it, but I can remove him from the house.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Sound like he is an alcoholic who stops drinking for short periods. If true, no wonder his behaviour is off. I would not focus on the symptoms, focus on the cause Can you get yourself to Al-Anon?

[GidgetMems]

To be fair the staying out is more the straw that broke the camel's back than an actual issue. If he'd just planned to stay over there than I wouldn't have been fussed. It's closer to his work and as you pointed out I wouldn't have probably seen him anyway. It's more him making the choice to stay and sort out someone else's issues rather than acknowledge ours. He didn't bother replying to my last text about how I was feeling about things between us until 9 hours later (during which time he would have been drinking and generally being a prat with his mate) and then no acknowledgement, just a 'he needs me so I'm staying.'

He gets on very well with my DC, particularly my eldest as he helps me home Ed her and takes her to her favourite activity. He isn't quite as close to my younger two due to simply not seeing them as much as they're at school.

He was slightly more affectionate before the pregnancy, but had phases where he was more affectionate then less, then more again. Now it's just almost non existent. He seems confused by why he can't just reach out to me, just says he doesn't know why he finds it so hard.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I do sympathise, it sounds like you're going through a tough time

Taking it as an isolated incident, though - you knew he was going out, and never raised it as a problem. You also told him you'd be asleep when he got in, so he probably didn't think you'd have an issue with him staying out - in his eyes, you wouldn't see him anyway, so staying out wouldn't make a difference, iyswim.

It sounds like you're having a lot of other issues, though, and I think if the rest of the relationship was okay, tonight wouldn't be a problem.

How does he get on with your DC? Is he involved? Was he affectionate before the pregnancy, or is it ust something that developed during?

[GidgetMems]

Foxy

I completely see what you're saying and would probably say similar if it was someone else.

I would wonder that in this case, but he is very excited about our son, very nervous as it's his first, but very excited. We had a few obstacles to overcome before conception and he was as committed as me. He is also incredibly honest and I truly believe he would tell me if he felt we had run our course, he is not one for holding back the truth, however painful.

I know that in the grand scheme of things one night where he stayed out is completely reasonable particularly as he had tried to let me know that was his plan. I just feel as though not coming back when he needed to show he could put us first, plus the intimacy issues and the big problem of his drinking starting to spiral again is too much to overcome.

[Foxysoxy01]

I'm really sorry if my post comes across insensitive please know that's not how I want it to sound.

Do you think he didn't actually want to be in the relationship and now that you are pregnant he is feeling trapped and like he has to stay now?

Tbh if it means so much to you and you have told him how much it means to you then for him to completely disregard how you feel would be a deal breaker for me.

He knows his behaviour makes you sad but he doesn't change that behaviour which would make me believe his needs and wants are way above yours in his world.

His behaviour is not of a loving interested partner.

I would let him go and move on with the baby and making a new life for yourself a DC.

[GidgetMems]

So do I!

On further investigation, his friend ( who I have never met, and despite a good job, house and wife 'hates his life') was starting fights with 'everyone' at 10 last night. So my hero stayed to protect him from harm. I don't remember him taking his cape, but oh well!

I don't even know if I want him to redeem himself.

How are you coping with yours?

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

hmmm I fail to see how one can have a 'good time' with a suicidal mate

Has his mate got a history of mental health issues?

It's Mother's Day tomorrow - do you think he'll redeem himself?

[GidgetMems]

I've still asked him to stay elsewhere while I figure out what to do. My mum took me out for lunch though so I'm feeling slightly less 'doom and gloom.'

[GidgetMems]

Ticking

By the time I got the text it was 2, he'd text me at 10. I've heard from him and his friend was suicidal, that's why he stayed. I've told him how it made me feel, waking up without him here and how unimportant it made me feel that while we were having difficulties he stayed out to be there for someone else. He apologised and said he had to stay because he would've felt guilty if anything had happened, that whatever decision he made would've been wrong. They were still out though at 10, and he was having a 'good time' he said so I'm struggling to go from that to suicidal friend he couldn't dare leave.

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

How are you feeling now OP? You sound a bit more upbeat.

Have you heard from him yet? Have you told him how you feel?

[GidgetMems]

To be honest, the sex decline does bother me but I do need intimacy more. I need the hugs, kisses and affection more than that. We have no real intimacy any more. He has lots of good qualities, he's very witty, intelligent, accepting of my oddities ( which I haven't experienced before) and used to be very good at making me wonderful. I'm not sure where that's gone. I can have a really good conversation with him and he exercises my mind. I love that about him. He's very supportive of my children and has lots to do with encouraging them alongside me. I just hate living out our lives literally at opposite ends of a room.

Dozer, I don't feel vulnerable in that sense, the house is mine and he has no access to my finances. He'll be the one leaving.

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

The fact that I'm struggling so he disappears.

I've literally made a thread mentioning this very same treatment from my DP. I am also pregnant.

When my DP upsets me, I tend to react in a cycle of emotions: upset > anger > loneliness > upset and so on.

In anger I often ask for space. But then get lonely when he leaves me alone. You sound the same.

I needed him last night too, I needed him to come back to me.

Did you tell him this?

[Dozer]

You feel vulnerable because your (and DC1's) situation IS vulnerable. He has an alcohol problem, which he's not addressing (and you can't cure or control) and isn't behaving in a kind or loving way. You've spoken to him about this repeatedly and he has made no changes, so it's sensible to assume he won't change and make plans to leave.