Is 10-15 years married a serious danger zone for splitting?

[juneau]

I ask because I'm at that stage, as are most of my friends, and I know four couples who've split in the last year alone and of at least two other marriages that have been in trouble for some time. And it could so easily be me too, if I'm honest. Life is such a bloody grind. So many people are unhappy in their jobs and worried they'll be laid off. Most of our children are still quite young, demanding and labour-intensive. Families are spread out so meaningful levels of help and support are few and far between and couple-time is almost non-existent. So many of us just seem to be really busy, stressed, fed up, bored and just want to get off the merry-go-round, but can't. Are we all just having a mid-life crisis?

[juneau]

I'm sorry miss. I hope things work out for you. No one deserves to be miserable and if that's what you are then you're doing the right thing by ending things and moving on. Crap all round and I'm not sure not what you wanted or imagined you were committing to. You never quite know what you're signing up for though, do you? Most people marry with high hopes and the best intentions, but pretty much everything about life is not what you expected it to be.

[misswhatdoto2]

Together 15 years, married for 10 and divorce petition was drawn up today
Yes, the kids have definitely been a major factor and just the hum drum monotonous life. Unfortunately we didn't prioritise our relationship enough and have ended up here. We have nothing in common anymore and was a realisation that actually at 37 I am still young enough (just!) To change things. I do not long for the kids to be older and for it just to be us. The thought now makes me shudder as we'd have nothing as the kids are what have kept us limping along for the last 18 months. He is willing to be a martyr for the children and stay miserable until they're of an age (whatever that maybe!) But whether it is a mid life crisis or whatever I'm not willing to settle for being unappreciated and taken for granted anymore.

[annandale]

Married 13 years. I bloody well hope not. I remember feeling like our seventh year of marriage lasted forever and not in a good way, a seven year itch would have been more exciting. We were a bit older when we got together so life stage now involves both of us aging a bit, older parents, young teen-ager at home. Dh is always ill to some extent so low expectations help perhaps. I do marriage like alcoholism, one day at a time is all you ever have to get through and so far so good. Actually what really helps is that dh is just very nice, I'm lucky like that.

[CognitiveIllusion]

I disagree actually (from a personal viewpoint). We've been married for 13 years and our sticky patch was several years ago - the classic thing of young DC, sleep deprived, no quality time as a couple. Now they're all at school and life is so much easier! Yes there are still sources of stress (DH was made redundant 18 months ago but luckily found a new job quickly, and I agree about ageing parents), but nothing like those days of relentless tiredness and demanding toddlers!

[FritzDonovan]

Another one stuck in the SAH rut due to facilitating OH career at the expense of mine. Have realised how much resentment has built up over the years while he merrily gets on with his thing. Not in a good place atm, he seems to prioritise maintaining his interests above our shared interests (rarely do anything fun together), apparently 'because it's easier '. So tired of feeling like the bottom of the pile. I think this is where that martyr complex comes from....and we're in that mid 40s age..

[HazelBite]

I have been married nearly 40 years and both DH and I noticed that many of our "couple" friends especially the ones that we considered "solid" split after about 11 years.
Sadly we only know three other couples within our social circle who have stayed the course such as we have.
I think life is generally difficult in your 40's as you start questioning all sorts of things about your life and it is often hard for people to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

[RandomMess]

I think some of it is just after 10-15 years there is more change "stuff" has happened. One of the couple or a child has had an illness that has been life changing either temporarily or permanently. There has been a death in the family, redundancy or serious money issues. Someone has had their head turned. And so on!

Agree though people need to prioritise their marriage as much as the DC.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

I feel a bit the opposite, I really struggled the first few years of the togetherness (literally living together felt too invasive). I definitely feel more in the swing of it 15 years in!

[juneau]

Now unicorns is the time to pull things back. Find a babysitter. Go out for dinner. Go and see a film or a play or go for a bike ride or whatever it is that you used to like to do together. Put your parent guilt to one side. Your relationship is waaaay more important.

[unicornsIlovethem]

I had a shock the other day when DH had a day off - leave to use up - and we met for lunch.

We talked about the kids and the house. We used to share hopes and plans! I am slightly depressed and I know that's not helping, I think he is too and we're both tired, but we've lost something good somewhere :-(

Hopefully we can find it again but it's going to take time together without the kids, which is hard to manage and doesn't "feel" right. In some ways though we have the problem that we both work and do stuff independently but our common interests now are kids and house.

[Manijo]

I'm 32 years down the road and yes we have had some pretty shitty times and have just had a double bereavement (DH parents) but we've hang in there. There have been times when we've hated each others guts but have just stuck at it. We still have a teenager so he is our priority at the moment. I have questioned my love for DH at times (he's quite a difficult character) but the thought of being without him has always won over. I am a strong believer that it comes down to commitment. Too many people these days are willing to throw the towel in when the going gets tough. We still do lots of things together like eating out, going to the pub, cycling, house decorating, holidays (although still with kids in tow). I am a strong believer that you do have to make time for each other though. Leave the kids with a babysitter and do something together like you use to before, favourite restaurant, concert. Too easy to let everyday issues to be all consuming. Hang in there and good luck!

[Hacpac]

But that's the point though isn't it. Maybe a lot of people are with the wrong person or certainly a person who doesn't meet all of their needs. However they don't want to split the family unit up and as Juneau has alluded to in other posts there is nothing that wrong with the relationship, just boredom and perhaps being more friends than lovers. To many people, splitting up is not a solution that makes sense in the often forlorn hope that you may go out and meet the right person who ticks all of your boxes. As proven by so many it is not that easy and you often end up back where you were so to speak. I assume many second marriages are similar to first marriages after a while.

Some people are lucky and hit the jackpot. They have an almost tick every box relationship but many don't.

I did say that it wouldn't be for 99.9% of people because it is ingrained into us that monogomay and having one partner is the norm. Most people therefore have to compromise on some of their needs and do so.

[BadTasteFlump]

Open relationships would solve a lot of the pent up boredom and frustration but it seems this is a real taboo subject

Surely that's because it's not what most people would want? I certainly would never see the solution to boredom in a relationship as going out and shagging other people - if I did want to do that, I would take it as a huge sign of being with the wrong person!

Sorry to hear you've been through such a shitty time Missy

[juneau]

Yes, I agree hacpac. That used to be the norm, at least among the upper classes (and the French!), to have a family and a discreet lover on the side (cinq a sept) - et voila! Everyone is happy and boredom is less of an issue. Can't see my DH agreeing to that, sadly!

[Hacpac]

Open relationships would solve a lot of the pent up boredom and frustration but it seems this is a real taboo subject. If people had freedom to spend time with others but maintain a family unit then it seems sensible but I know the vast majority could not cope with it. I have read that some can and do though so it is possible but probably unlikely for 99.9% of people.

[missyB1]

if i had to be at home 24/7 and all the domestic responsibilities were down to me
this is me unfortunately and im worried its killing our marriage, We've been married for 9 years (together for 12), and I always worked until 2 years ago then various crap happened (including breast cancer), and Im now stuck in this fucking rut at home. Im desperately looking for a job but I've lost a lot of confidence so its hard, plus we have an 8 year old and DH's job means he cant / wont help with school runs / holiday care. We have no family to help us at all, and both of us have elderly parents that we worry about.

Im sick of myself and seething with resentment most of the time. Not a recipe for a happy marriage! We are also both turning 50 so probably a bit of mid life crisis thrown in!

OP you have been very honest and so have others, I suspect this is very common but a lot of people try to pretend they are happy.

[PickAChew]

Well, I left my ex after 10 years, but should have done 5 years before then. No kids, but no sex, either and a strong realisation that i didn't want kids with him, anyhow.

Been married to DH for 13 years. Already had one when we got married and the youngest is about to start secondary school. If anything, after a few years of plodding a bit, we've entered a phase of being much better friends than we were through the ploddy phase.

[ADedicatedFollower]

V good point.

[juneau]

I think maintaining your life as a couple is essential actually. Our parents knew that, but somehow today's parents seem to think that being a martyr to their DC is a good thing. Ten years down the line I can categorically say that it's not. Put your marriage first, because if you don't it might well crumble and if that happens then there is no 'happy family'.

[BadTasteFlump]

Domestic life is as dull as hell it really is

God yes isn't it just... if I had to be at home 24/7 and all the domestic responsibilities were down to me I think I'd give up now. I think it really helps my/our relationship that we both work and then share bits of home stuff that we have to do ourselves. It also stops me being bored shitless!

and couples also don't do stuff apart enough just for them

I agree - and also that they sometimes don't do enough together just for them, as a couple rather than as mum and dad. When my DC were little I would get the odd slightly off remark from people here and there because a) we would regularly (at least weekly) use babysitters so we could go out together as a couple - and still do. One of the people who commented once that she thought it was a bit selfish not giving up 'all those nights out' after having DC is now going through a divorce because she and her DH 'just don't have anything in common anymore'...

[ADedicatedFollower]

Middle childhood relieved family strains but was still busy, then the stress really peaked in first born's big exam year. Now gone away to college and when we all meet up it's finally relaxing. Life is getting better as a couple too, I think. We go out for coffee while younger kid is doing dancing on a Saturday. It's refreshing to be alone together.

I remember after a miserable argument a few years ago thinking I couldn't let us split as he wouldn't parent my way while kids were with him..So on the one hand the family life caused the stress on the other it held us together. Long term we have both had to compromise. He's a lovely person so it's the situation iyswim?

[Butterfliesarefragile]

I think it's also an age thing loads of people split coming up late thirties early forties. It's because people feel as if options are running out, which of course they are.

Domestic life is as dull as hell it really is and couples also don't do stuff apart enough just for them. I think doing domestic stuff makes some people deeply resentful, I don't do my own cleaning thank F I know I would be rage filled if I did.

We have always done things apart as well as together, obviously some of mine has been during my manic episodes and not a good idea but it certainly makes life exciting. Imagine having an unpredictable wife who flies to Spain to buy a dress. He was mildly irritated I spent a couple of thousand quid on Christmas Eve and was planning on flying to America to meet someone I only know online.

[juneau]

I'm so sorry join and lily

I appreciate that the statistics don't bear this POV out and I know a few marriages that failed quickly. But I think from a boredom and 'Oh shit, is this all there is?' standpoint then around 10-15 years is a bump in the road for many. But I think A LOT of people stay together for their kids. If you don't have kids then splitting is relatively easy. You have practical and financial stuff to sort out, but once that's dealt with you never have to see each other again. If you have kids it's a totally different story. You have to continue to co-parent until they're independent and, realistically, you're going to be in each other's lives forever in some form or other. And that makes your dreams of returning to a more carefree life null and void, because you're now going to have to fund two homes on the income that previously provided just one, and any new relationship is going to be complicated by your kids and possibly their kids, so that freedom and return to a simpler phase of your life that you might be dreaming off is just that - a dream - the reality is that unless you're a real douchebag you can't simply walk away. Your responsibilities remain, regardless of where and with whom you live.

Plus, divorce can be very damaging for kids - I know - I'm a kid of divorce. Now sure, bad marriages also damage kids - but if a marriage is just dull, as opposed to bad or abusive, I think the kids are much happier if you stick it out. And I've read studies that couples who stick it out are generally glad they did in the long run, because divorce can impoverish people - particularly women - and lone parenting is hardly a bed of roses.

[LilyLavender]

It looks like it is happening to me. We've been married 15 years (together for 20) and he told me a month ago he's unhappy and thinks it is over. I didn't have a clue.

[TheGaleanthropist]

It is a little bit- here's a handy graph.

But the really bad time is 3-6 years, after that your chance of divorcing drops fairly rapidly.

Link to article graph comes from