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Relationships

Aibu to want him to stay away from her?

46 replies

Madratlady · 09/03/2017 16:06

Long, sorry and possibly identifying if anyone I know is on here.

Just under 2 years ago my dh started a new job that we relocated for. He settled in and made some friends, one of which was female. This wasn't an issue for me, neither of us has ever objected to the other having friends of the opposite sex. This changed when one day after spending the day helping her move house a few days before he sat me down and told me that he had feelings for her. At first I was upset but assumed he was telling me to be open and wouldn't act upon them. It then came out that he was in love with her and had told her this at the weekend, he couldn't imagine life without her and basically making out that I couldn't possibly ask him to not spend time with her. I told him to leave and he went to pack then came back and said he didn't want to lose me, would cut off all contact with her and do whatever it took to make it up to me: get another job, move back where we moved from, anything. He then deleted her number but the next day wanted to contact her and check she was alright in case this had all upset her. Never asked if I was ok.

2 months later I am on maternity leave and notice over his shoulder that he was texting her. I asked him outright and he said he was, he said it was all innocent and he didn't see that he had done anything wrong. He did eventually delete her number.

It took 8 months for him to acknowledge that he was out of line and that he had hurt me and apologise. His attitude seemed to be that I was the unreasonable one causing him to be heartbroken over this person. It's not so much the fact that he developed feelings for her but the fact that he declared his love to her rather than talking to me or even breaking up with me and his continued lack of regard for me or my feelings.

At a couple more points since then it has come out that he is seeing her at work, on lunch breaks etc. Usually as part of a group. He doesn't seem to have made any effort to 'get over' his feelings for her and it feels like it's hanging over our relationship. I want him to reassure me that he loves me and wants us to be OK and won't have anything at all to do with her, as he is apparently in love with her I can't see how they can continue to spend time in each other's company as 'just friends'.

Aibu or controlling to expect this? He has had other female friends that I have never had a problem with. I have very little trust for him now as he has lied on several occasions. That said he says he loves me and wants to be with me and I do still love him, I want to work things out if we can.

OP posts:
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AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 09/03/2017 17:11

But this isn't a frienday is it. This isn't the same situation at all. If a woman came on here and said their husband didn't want them to have any contact with a man with whom she openly admitted to being in love with it would be a different story completely.

But on another note I think your husband is looking for a way out and will take it when he finds someone who wants an affair back. I know that is hard to hear but he is showing you not a shred of care or affection here. That is not a real relationship.

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SandyY2K · 09/03/2017 17:24

OP, she's likely turned him down, so in reality he hasn't had the opportunity to go off with her like you said.

Your marriage is hanging on because the woman your husband is in love with doesn't want him. What happens when the next woman doesn't care that he's married with children? You'll be dumped pretty quickly.

I don't understand how he's got to the stage of being in love with her, if they haven't had a romantic relationship of some sort.

It's like he's with you by default. That would really hurt me on every level.

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DenimChicken · 09/03/2017 17:25

If I'm reading your post correctly he sat you down when you were pregnant with his child and told you he'd declared love for someone else? You say ...two months later you were on MAT leave so this happened when you were pregnant?

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Madratlady · 09/03/2017 17:30

Sandy I guess if you spend your lunch breaks having long walks by the river and deep conversations with someone for a few months it's not impossible to develop feelings for them.

Yes Denim I was 7 months pregnant with dc2

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DenimChicken · 09/03/2017 17:36

Bad enough he did that but when you were heavily pregnant with his child? What a fucking bastard.

I'd LTB and I very, very rarely say that.

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SandyY2K · 09/03/2017 17:53

Mmmm. A married man having walks by the river with a single woman, has seriously crossed boundaries.

I wouldn't believe nothing physical has happened, but that really isn't the point.

I can't imagine how you must have felt for the next 2 months of your pregnancy.

What I often struggle with, is how men like your DH, honestly expect you to be happy in the marriage and expect you to want to remain committed to the marriage, having declared their love for another woman.

Because even if for whatever reason I hadn't left the marriage, I'd have emotionally detached from him to the point of not really caring, because I'd be getting my ducks in a row.

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SparklingRaspberry · 09/03/2017 17:54

OP he's not treating you with love and respect like he should be.

Whether this other woman wants him or not, the fact is he has told you he loves somebody else. He is taking the piss out of you. You are no longer his first choice. If you were, he wouldn't be in love with another woman.

Tell him to fuck off. You'll be surprised at how easier things start to become

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AnyFucker · 09/03/2017 17:58

Why do you think you are worth so little ?

Never be anyone's fall back choice. How in earth do you think your marriage can ever be good again ? I don't get it. He has only stopped short of getting balls deep in her because I expect she knocked him back.

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spaghettiforhair · 09/03/2017 18:22

OP I really feel for you, but he has told you he is in love with someone else and continues to court her and puts her feelings before yours.

I wouldn't be waiting for him to leave, I'd be packing his bags and leaving them on the doorstep.

You deserve better than to be someone's second choice.

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user1479305498 · 09/03/2017 18:45

total sympathy. My DH didnt tell me ever, but 3 months ago I found songs and lyrics written and recorded by my husband from 11 years ago that clearly showed he was in love with our assistant at the time who also travelled around a lot with him and wanted to "escape" . I cant get over it OP and I dont think you will either and mine isnt recent. I was running his business full time with a 7 year old as well. This is a 20 year old marriage and its my 2nd and DH has desparately tried to minimise saying it was "all in his head" just a fantasy when life was rather shit (his mum was dying, business had issues) and of course he loves me and always did, but I dont now care enough to be honest, he took me for a fool and gaslighted me ever since when I had suspicions. He has also posted a lot on her Facebook right up till a few years ago (she moved away) about meeting up when she got back and he texted her 20 times a so or month for many years after she did anything for us . In my opinion he should have cut any contact (even though I didnt know ) if he valued his marriage properly and had feelings. My solicitor said "dont split through hurt pride" but to me its a lot more than that.

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HoneyBeeMum1 · 09/03/2017 18:57

Some of you are being disingenuous.

OP is not the villain here, so stop trying to bully her by suggesting she has 'no self respect', or thinks so little of herself. She has suffered a devastating blow when she was most vulnerable. The last thing she needs is people on here kicking her when she is down.

Sometimes it is just too easy to offer 'good' advice when you have the luxury of not having to take that advice yourself.

OP, if you want to do what you can to keep your family together, do it. Don't let the bullies let you think you are unworthy or less of a person because you don't want to take their advice.

Your silly husband thinks he is in love with this woman. The fact that she is (probably) unavailable to him mIght well be the main attraction. It makes her 'safe' because he can't have an affair with her.

Consider the possibility that he too is having a hard time. A move to a new area, a new job and a baby - these are all major life events, for both of you.

You justifiably feel hurt and your husband must be prepared to take action if you both want to keep your family together.

You sound like a loving and loyal wife. There is nothing wrong with that. It does not indicate a lack of self respect as some would have you believe.

I disagree with what others have said. I believe your husband probably does love you, but you know better than any anonymous poster on a website.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.

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Heartbrokenagain122 · 09/03/2017 18:58

Watching this thread with a close eye as I am also going through the same thing. I did post about it a month ago. My DH also told me he was in love with someone from work in December - we tried to make it work and he now says it was all in his head but I ask him to leave his job every day. He now resents me and won't talk to me at all and doesn't bother with our kids - just comes home and blanks me - comes to bed and won't hold me and I'm dying inside. 9 years we have been together. I've asked him to leave and he says he will but he still hasn't gone back to his moms. I've had a really down day today

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Madratlady · 09/03/2017 19:04

Honey I believe he does love me, but how much is in question. He has lied to me, minimised and failed to make any real effort to stay away from this person for a year and a half. I appreciate things have been hard for him too (he was very keen on moving and loved his new job amd made friends quickly though) but the usual reaction is to talk to your partner and support each other. Not invest all your emotional energy elsewhere.

Heartbroken I know how you feel.

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kittybiscuits · 09/03/2017 19:05

Please, don't feel sorry for him.

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user1479305498 · 09/03/2017 19:14

OP I believe mine loves me too and made a monumental error of judgement and got a buzz from it at a point when he was down and now really doesnt know how to handle my offhandness. . Problem is to me I just no longer feel the same, it altered everything I felt. Dont take to heart anything about self respect etc sometimes its very easy for others to say that without knowing you--in my case, Im going for the whats practical and in what time frame, so anything that will be done suits me timeframe wise. Even if my heart screams "sod off you disloyal shit " my head is saying "make sure its at a time that suits" after all he wasnt busy putting me first at that point .

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ShoutOutToMyEx · 09/03/2017 19:22

And although he denies it I was picking him up from work a couple of months ago and she was walking off up a side street as we drove past and he practically dislocated his neck looking round to stare after her.


Agree with PP, this would make my blood boil. How disrespectful to you OP.

I couldn't consider carrying on a relationship with someone this unkind.

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TheNaze73 · 09/03/2017 20:37

This doesn't sound at all right. He sounds properly into her. He's bang out of order

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BonnyScotland · 09/03/2017 21:04

this has to be the most upsetting 'in your face betrayal' thread I've ever read through....

he has declared his love for another woman.....and it sounds to me like... She does not want him... and he has settled for you and the kids...

You deserve better ..... I wish you all best Flowers

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PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 21:11

Darling...stop enabling this. You are so much better than what he can offer.

End it now. It's bloody heartbreaking to read, let alone live.

For you Flowers

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SandyY2K · 09/03/2017 22:29

Nobody is 'bullying' the OP. People are just trying to get her to see how her DH is totally disrespecting her and acting like her doesn't care about her feelings.

I also think that by asking the question AIBU wanting him to stay away from her, it shows you (OP) don't appear to realise quite what a figurative slap in the face he's given you by what he said.

The facts...
Your wife is 7 months pregnant and you tell her you're in love with another woman and you've told her... With no regard for how this will affect her and your unborn child!. .. That's not the behaviour or actions of a man that loves his wife.

I wonder what his advice would be if his future son in law did this to your DD. It feels too much like being second choice, when you were meant to be the only choice.

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Bluebell9 · 10/03/2017 10:10

I've not read the full thread but I was in a similar situation. I didn't know about the EA until it was over but they remained friends.

I told him that I didn't want him to contact her anymore and if they came into contact at work, I wanted to know about it. He said I wasn't going to dictate who he was friends with. My reply was that he could remain friends with her, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had so little regard for my feelings.

He realised I wasn't being unreasonable, I got him to think about if the situation was reversed.

We are now happy again and I do trust him, so it is possible to come back from, but only if both side are committed to making it work.
I hope you can sort things so you are happy again OP.

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