Getting married abroad - eloping

[user1488137530]

Hi
Just looking for thoughts I think (or to broadcast my own at least!)
OH proposed last year, we both love Canada and if it weren't for family would move there in an instant. His parents are no longer with us, we advised my mum and step father of plan to marry in Canada (and invited them) went down like a storm in a teacup - why can't we marry at local registry office like everyone else (have had this response to pretty much every decision I've ever made - why can't you be more like...why go to uni when you can work at Tesco that sort of thing) I was pretty pissed off thought they'd be happy and respect our choices.

Now we are still planning to elope but have a 10 yr old who we wanted present at wedding, obviously with parents refusing to fly we have the dilemma of the fact we are staying in Canada for a month.

Options;
BA no longer seem to do unaccompanied flights, air Canada do. Thought of flying her out with us and then spendi a day getting her back to airport and sending her back to UK alone using accompanied service but realisation is hitting in that logistically this seems to be a nightmare AND is going to be an emotional wrenche seeing her go back on her own and no doubt she will be highly upset or maybe I'm worrying she would be she couldn't stay as one would miss too much school two we are going to really remote places she would get bored and of course want a honeymoon alone.

So been thinking, elope two of us spend a month over there, come back have a blessing wear the dress again, have parents and daughter present again would be v small affair likely just the five of us then go for a meal

Interested to hear if anyone else has used accompanied flight service before for international flights to see if we do drop option one.

Have been away four weeks before without daughter has been fine only had emotional issues when it came to phoning a few days before we were due to fly back so would avoid calls again and stick to emails

[FrenchLavender]

I get the impression that your parents will not be thrilled at the idea of having your DD dumped on them again for a whole month if she was upset and missed you last time and you didn't even phone her until the last few days before you came home. So perhaps you need to either revise your plans completely and go for much less time, or take your DD with you and just accept that your partner won't get the child free time he feels so entitled to. Bummer, eh?

Is your DD his?

[FrenchLavender]

I am really struggling to understand why going to Canada alone to get married and having a holiday there, then going to all the bother of recreating the day with a blessing and a family meal once you get hime is so much more desirable than just getting married here with family around you and then going on honeymoon alone afterwards. You know, like people used to do before destination weddings became the thing.......

I know people get some sort of kick out of saying they got married in some far flung glamorous location, but seriously in this instance it seems like an awful lot of pointless faff for no benefit whatsoever.

[pigeondujour]

Urgh.

[JonesyAndTheSalad]

It's all utterly weird! Just get married in the UK and have a holiday in Canada WITH your child afterwards!

You can't seriously expect anyone here to be on your side when you say your daughter had "only emotional issues" as though that was fine!

[EdithWeston]

I think you need to make this a family trip with your DD.

My friend took her DD (from her first marriage) on her honeymoon. It's not such an unusual thing. she didn't get an adults only second honeymoon until her youngest was about 10 and she had a suitable parking place for all her DC.

[user1488137530]

Montane50 - My feelings exactly. His view is kids grow up and do their own travelling then and that he doesn't think she will appreciate the nature aspect (we have obviously all been away together before)

Graphista- yes my dd not his, though they are like two peas in a pod together (I know it doesn't seem like it from this post). We emailed and text daily which was fine, parents said she was fine it was the call a few days before we were due back that got me going and then her asking when we were back.

HappyJanuary - flight idea is dismissed couldn't do it.
I'd like to all go for 2-3 weeks. Honeymoon ourselves later in year as a weekend break or week

Kickassangel- no didn't mean it to come across that way of course love dd that's not a question. Just terribly confused about everything. I agree a month is too long without her at same time even if it's a fortnights trip I'd like her to go. The 4 weeks comes in due to everything wanting to cram in

FrenchLavender - we'd have paid flights for them. Unaccompanied flight is off the table. I don't have a problem with parents having a break without kids honeymoon or not it's the length of time that's an issue and the fact I think she would enjoy it over there, it's a beautiful place and would show her a good part of the world. Agree the point is lost with thinking of marrying abroad if all the people can't be there, which is a shame as I do think they would enjoy it if they came but apparent it's a no go. To answer your last part she was fine last time no issues until the call a few days before we were due back then I just wanted to be home and she was asking how long til we'd be back

Holly3434 thanks for the constructive comment! I think if that were true I would not be worrying/confused/lost about the whole bl**dy thing wouldn't be posting on here and would have booked whatever up

Jonseyandthesalad - would not have been 'weird' had all parties been supportive of the idea and wanted to go which is what we obviously thought the outcome would have been. Never came on here asking for people to be on my side

EdithWeston - yes I think you are right. Lucky to be in position no issue with parents having daughter so we can easily do a long weekend or week later in year.

Ideal would appear to be a 2-3 week trip with dd, hire an RV. Arrange 'honeymoon' for later in yr alone. Def wouldn't want to marry in local registry office but can look into whether possible at somewhere a bit greener, not sure about licences for this outside of a registry office.

Feel more pressurised about situation as plan was loosely for this year but due to original plan being dismissed have left it and put off now all seems a panic added to the fact we have someone else's destination wedding to fit in this year too. I'll work on a trip plan and investigating poss greener sites for a wedding

Thanks all for sharing thoughts

[GoingAWOL]

Sorry but it seemed obvious from your previous posts that your daughter is not his.

[Phoebefromfriends]

I'm just staggered at this post you want to leave your DD for a month and NOT call her so you can have a month's long honeymoon?! I think you are storing up issues in the future with your DD. She must feel such a spare part in this love affair. Do you really think it's a good idea to marry someone who is so obsessed with child free time? Your DD should come first and if you do decide to marry she should be incorporated into the wedding as its the joining together of a family not two star-crossed teenage lovers with no responsibilities.

[HappyJanuary]

Just seen your update op, and pleased to see you have decided on a shorter trip with your dd. I think marrying out there, just the three of you, will feel very special and that way you are under no obligation to recreate it all over again when you get home.

A long weekend honeymoon, just the two of you later in the year, seems like the perfect compromise to me.

[cheeseandpineapple]

One of our best holidays ever was in Canada bear and whale watching with our then 10 year old and 12 year old. My children love their electronics but seeing animals in their natural habitat was a phenomenal experience and they used their electronics to take photos and videos and create amazing electronic journals. For long journeys you can download movies on tablets or listen to audio books together.

You're trying to please everyone OP which isn't realistic. Your OH needs to ensure he's not putting you in a position between choosing what he wants and what is in your daughter's best interests because from the day he asked you to marry him, those two things need to be the same for him as well as for you. From your posts that's not coming across from his side.

For what it's worth and as you seemed to be suggesting in your last post, I would plan to go to Canada during the school holidays and get married there with your daughter present and spend 2-3 weeks cementing yourselves as a new unit doing some amazing life changing experiences and helping your daughter create memories for life with her mum and step father.

Then when you return have a big celebratory party with your parents and then or some time after, you and your OH go somewhere else to honeymoon for 1-2 weeks, just the two of you, maybe back to Canada or maybe somewhere else. Your daughter is not going to resent you having that time if she's already been part of the amazing trip and your wedding.

There has to be some compromise and if your OH isn't happy with something like that and willing to adapt then you have other issues beyond holiday plans. If it's a question of cost then it's a case of scaling back on both the trips so overall cost is similar to what you had planned if you were flying everyone (including your family) out for the wedding to Canada.

Hope you can make it work and can get best of both worlds!

[Kittencatkins123]

I think you are underestimating your daughter in terms of what she would enjoy/find interesting. My parents had a way of engaging us with things that made them interesting e.g. telling stories, playing games etc. You just need to put the effort in.

I'm at you leaving your DD for so long at that age. Just because she seemed fine doesn't mean she was. And in fact the one time you called her, she was upset. Doesn't that suggest to you that those emotions were bubbling under the surface?

You don't have to cram everything into one trip. You could do a shorter trip then go back with her another time.

[user1488137530]

Phoebe maybe you need to re read post. Never not wanted her present for wedding difficulties came in when parents not interested

HappyJanuary - Will ditch idea of marrying there as parents won't be present. Paris on Eurostar could be possibility for later break. Have yet to talk to OH about it again but think will try and put forward an itinerary plan first which will take some time

Cheese and pineapple - Glad to hear your children enjoyed it I think he worries it won't be theme parks and stuff geared towards children and like you say the travelling distances are immense but plenty of ops for stop breaks as views are divine everywhere. Whereabouts did you go and were the particular areas that you're children really liked or disliked? And how long did you go for? Always feels a bit harder when only have one as a sibling gives them someone to play with. Will scrap idea of marrying there as want parents present and this would also mean we can scale trip down as 3/4 nights would have been at wedding location

Always trying to keep everyone happy which is usually impossible! Just feel it has all turned into a big stress. Yes tend to agree with you there or would not bode well for future and in another 8 years if dd goes off to uni we could go on a 6 month trip if we wanted. Thanks for your post reassures my own thoughts :)

I think everything is always harder with broken families as many more aspects to it

[TatianaLarina]

Xpost, glad you came to your senses OP.

[user1488137530]

Kittencatkins - she was not upset but started asking when we were coming home. Dd very close to my parents, thanks for tip re putting effort in hadn't thought of that!

[Kittencatkins123]

E.g. When we went on a holiday where we did loads of long walks in forests/woodlands Dad read us from a story every night that was all about kids journeying through forests/woodlands. I was a right pain about walking back then but this made me really enjoy it!

[2014newme]

Poor poor child.
It's very very obvious that your boyfriend isn't her dad and she's an inconvenience. A month away indeed, give you head a wobble.

[user1488137530]

Kittencatkins123 - I get your drift yes, dd loves oh's stories has a far better imagination than me. I think problem it boils down to is he would like time just the two of us as he is very good at entertaining her and I think she would really enjoy the nature yes there is bound to be moments where we all drive each other crazy for a moment but that in my opinion is far more likely to happen at home than when away and everyone is relaxed.

I will work on putting together a trip and present it see what he says if not happy then will reevaluate whole idea and leave it as something has to give. Time is really precious in life, I'm sure we'd all remember it as a great trip in years to come and kids grow up far too quickly

[Ellarose85]

I agree with a previous poster who said you are setting your daughter up for future issues.

My mum did something similar when I was a child (numberous times actually) and it caused me massive hurt and a lot of issues.

Think about your DD a bit more is the only advice I can give.

[2014newme]

Agree with pp my mother did same. We are nc now. Shunting your dd off so you can gave a month long holiday is vile.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

user,

re your comment:-
"Always trying to keep everyone happy which is usually impossible"

Well its not working so you need to think differently. Think also about why you are wanting to do that in the first place. I would put your child first and make her both front and centre of your plans.

If your fiancé doesn't like this then I would wonder what sort of a stepfather he would be to your DD in any event. How do they get along with each other day to day?.

[Graphista]

"Do you really think it's a good idea to marry someone who is so obsessed with child free time? Your DD should come first "

I find this whole thing deeply worrying.

Do you already live with him? If so how long had you been together before he was introduced to dd? Till he moved in? Have you talked with dd at all about how she feels about any of this?

He sounds resentful of your dd and you sound more focused on pleasing him than making sure your dd OK.

[Ellarose85]

^^this

[Ponderingprivately]

I don't get the drama here. Get married in the Uk. Go on a 2 week honeymoon to Canada with your DD. At some point in the near future have a few days away in Europe while dd is with your parents.
You get married with your parents there. You get to go Canada without leaving Dd out. You get a bit of child free time but without leaving dd for an entire month. Bingo.

[Weatherforecaster]

A month? I bloody hope you're kidding. I'm a teacher of that age and I've never heard of anyone voluntarily leaving a child for that long for a holiday. Good god.