I am bullying my partner

[loopdesoup]

Help.
I'm not expecting kindness here, but advice would be good.
Partner and I have been together for a number of years, we have 2 DCs together. Yesterday I asked DP why he seemed reluctant to marry, it has always been what we have both wanted and yet, it still hasn't happened. I am ready to marry. DP tells me he's still not ready to marry me yet, but wants to. We dis cussed the reasons why.
He feels bullied by me. I agree that I can be quite venomous with my words and am in therapy for depression (have been for 3 years.) Talked about this before with my counsellor who seems to believe it's a side effect of DPs neglect for my thoughts and feelings. He can be very cold, lazy and slobbish at times, making v little effort around the house or with himself. I'm not sure this is really an adequate excuse for the way I'm making him feel though.
I asked DP to do what makes him happy and to look after his self-esteem and to leave me. I love him and he deserves better than to be worn down by my often nasty outbursts.
He says he loves me and doesn't want to leave.
I've no idea what else I can do? I'm in counselling, I have rages sometimes that make me feel so angry towards him; he can be so ignorant of my needs and our family's needs that I then become nasty with him. He says I speak to.him like dirt..
I know it's not excuse.
I don't want to be a bully.
I don't want my children witnessing me being a bully towards their father.
I don't want DP to have to be with me like this.
I want to get married
I want us to be healthy and happy
He doesn't want to separate. I'm trying to break these behaviours in sessions with my counsellor, but often it boils down to my frustration with DP. What can I do now?

[BakeOffBiscuits]

The last thing you should be going is marrying!

What does happen during an outburst?
How does he react?
What is the lead up to them?

[plutohasfeelingstoo]

•What is making you angry- what is triggering your outbursts. Something about what he does, triggers something very deep in you.• - yes to this !

This happened to me about a year ago. I finally worked out what it was and it really was like a lightbulb moment. I have bad arthritis which got very bad for about a year and I was hospitalised for a while. From my perspective dh was rubbish at dealing with it and I felt very much alone. After this I had been harbouring all this resentment for the way he acted and like you, would say some really horrible things. When I did figure it out we talked about it and he understood, apologised and I've really worked hard to turn around the way I react to things and it has improved dramatically. He is also much a bit better and I very much feel like we're a team again.

Do you think it's something like that? That you have some kind of resentment? You clearly want to sort things out, best of luck op.

[lollypophairball]

His passivity is making you feel like you aren't special. Like he's there by default, rather than choice. You see others getting the whole deal and wonder why you aren't good enough for someone to give you that. And blowing up at him is reinforcing your feeling that you're not worthy of him deeply wanting you, which is making you feel more angry that he's causing you to blow up at him by his passivity.

I totally get it!

He's still there which I think says loads. He's still bloody there. That's a good start.

[loopdesoup]

"His passivity is making you feel like you aren't special. Like hes there by default."
Exactly this.

[shoobadobeedo]

This is another thread of mine, under a different name. Explains a lot about the anger.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2865169-when-he-pulls-away-during-upheaval-conflict-heightened-emotions

[loopdesoup]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2865169-when-he-pulls-away-during-upheaval-conflict-heightened-emotions
Another thread of mine under a different username. Probably explains a lot.

[loopdesoup]

What makes me angry:
He interferes in all I do
He questions my logic, my decisions, everything I buy, everything I do.
Hovers over me when I'm cooking/cleaning/driving and tells me how I can do it 'properly'
He won't listen
He doesn't desire sex
He corrects me when I'm talking to others
He offers very little emotional support when I'm upset
He waits for me to make decisions before making any sort of change himself then stubbornly stands in the way
He doesn't take care of himself

This is why I'm angry.

[Kikikaakaa]

It is unlikely he will be able to change his personality into your ideal man though isn't It?
Many of those things you list aren't ok in a relationship if that's not what you want, and likely why you are angry. But you list issues in every area of your relationship.

Has he changed or were these things always there and you didn't want to see them?

[BakeOffBiscuits]

"He interferes in all I do
He questions my logic, my decisions, everything I buy, everything I do.
Hovers over me when I'm cooking/cleaning/driving and tells me how I can do it 'properly'
He won't listen
He doesn't desire sex
He corrects me when I'm talking to others
He offers very little emotional support when I'm upset
He waits for me to make decisions before making any sort of change himself then stubbornly stands in the way
He doesn't take care of himself

This is why I'm angry".

Why the heck would you want to carry on living with this man, never mind marry him!

You deserve better.

[Penfold007]

I'm not surprised you struggle with anger, your P undermines everything you do whilst not actually doing anything himself. He's emotionally and sexually withdrawn and he thinks he has done nothing wrong in fact it's all your fault. I'd go as far as saying your not a bully but he is emotionally abusive and controlling. I know what I'd do if I were you.

[lollypophairball]

Some of that sounds like him maintaining control in a "you're not the boss of me" fashion. A passive response. How old are your DCs? Could you do a weekend away together and some honest soul baring?

[Bansteadmum]

It sounds like a bad relationship and given that makes no sense for marriage to be on the agenda.

[NearlyChristmasNow]

God, having read your latest post, he's most definitely the bully, not you.

[PovertyJetset]

You must be very lonely to settle for this.

I feel sorry that you feel like it's worth sticking around for and even marriage. It's like you're walking headlong into a car crash willingly. Give your head a wobble.

[lollypophairball]

God, having read your latest post, he's most definitely the bully, not you.

See I don't agree. I think he's defending himself in a passive aggressive way. Yes the situation is dysfunctional and he's got a starring role but I don't think either one is The Bad Guy here.

[SandyY2K]

It looks like the bad in him outweights the good. You feel he's there by default, but from what you've said, the same could apply to you. I question if you really love a man who undermines you, corrects you, doesn't think you can do anything without hovering over you, interfers, questions your logic and doesn't want sex with you.

Can't you see marriage would be disastrous?

It seems that you are fixated on a wedding (and being Mrs x x), not a healthy relationship or marriage.

You need to focus on having a healthy relationship (physically and emotionally), either with him or someone else, that would be an example to your DC.

I wouldn't be in a relationship where my DC see my DH treat me that way. For a DD, she should know it's not okay to tolerate it and a DS needs to know it's not okay to speak to a girl/woman like that.... I otherwise the cycle just repeats itself.

[loopdesoup]

Good for you Sandy.
You make leaving sound so easy.

"It seems you are fixated on a wedding" How on earth did you manage that conclusion from what I've said?

[honeyroar]

I agree with Sandy.

I've been there. Wedding arranged, pecking away at each other, me particularly, and in the end he had an affair and we broke up. I'm actually pleased about that now, many years later, it saved me from a bad relationship and I do think I was probably more bothered about being married because we'd been together a good few years, than I should have been. I'm not saying leaving isn't horrible or upsetting, I don't think anyone is.

[Kikikaakaa]

I agree with Sandy. It sounds like you want someone who he is not, and you want the marriage for what it represents for you and are prepared to go through with it even if it's toxic.
He isn't the person you want him to be, and this frustration is boiling over. He has to actually want to change to change into this ideal man who doesn't make you feel like this.
I also wouldn't want my DC to grow up in this kind of environment, where my DH doesn't respect me or want any intimacy.
I just think it's flogging a dead horse with the marriage - it wouldn't fix you or him. Added to the fact he has no desire to get married or have sex. I totally get your reasons for wanting to do it but it's got a massive flaw in it - he doesn't want to.
I think you need to accept this is what your relationship looks like unless you can reconnect emotionally (not with a wedding) and really make it work

[GloriaGaynor]

Let's tally the total:

He interferes in all I do
He questions my logic, my decisions, everything I buy, everything I do.
Hovers over me when I'm cooking/cleaning/driving and tells me how I can do it 'properly'
He won't listen
He doesn't desire sex
He corrects me when I'm talking to others
He offers very little emotional support when I'm upset
He waits for me to make decisions before making any sort of change himself then stubbornly stands in the way
He doesn't take care of himself

In addition:

Neglects your thoughts and feelings.
Cold
Lazy and slobbish at times
Makes v little effort around the house or with himself
Refuses to marry you despite having two kids

No wonder you're furious. I think you need to stop criticising yourself and consider that it may not be that you're inherently angry, but that this relationshop is making you angry.

But he's right not to marry, because this is a terrible relationship.

[GloriaGaynor]

The control, the interference, the questioning, the standing over you - that's going into abusive territory, I don't think anyone can live like that and stay sane and un-angry.

[smurfit]

I've been in a similar situation. My ex treated me badly, in turn I had emotional outbursts which were nasty. I was the one trying to fix things all the time etc etc. Now don't get me wrong, I behaved appallingly on occasion but it was most definitely caused by the situation. Many friends have said I lost my personality for a while there.

You can't fix your relationship unless he's going to help you.

[loopdesoup]

OK, I'm getting a clearer picture here.
I also don't think that he's intentionally abusive, just naturally nit-picky and a little controlling. Not to excuse his behaviours; just trying to give a clearer picture of him as a person.
So what do I do now?
I can't leave just yet; I need to think about how/when/where etc etc. How do I protect myself from going insane in the mean time? I've spent the last few days in tears since posting on MN, feel utterly drained and can't stop thinking about what to do next.
As usual, DP is burying his head in the sand. Must be able to see something is wrong, but ignores the fact, however he is more touchy than usual. Amazing how some men pull closer as you begin to pull away!

[Kikikaakaa]

He needs to understand that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work. And that most likely means counselling, whether couple or individual IMO

You need to drop the marriage part to him, and explain how the very foundations of your relationship are damaged

[PovertyJetset]

You're not well marched. Be honest about that and give yourselves permission to move on.

Have a look on yougov and see what you're entitled to. Sort out your finances. Talk to your close friends and seek their support.