New boyfriend too soon after marriage break up - advice please

[Sammyhb]

So my STBXH left 8 months ago and since then have discovered a whole world of pain related to his infidelities and financial dishonesty. We go to court on Tuesday to resolve our financial issues.

4 months after he left I'm at home after a glass of wine thinking "I'll just see what all this fuss is about Tinder". So I download the app, put myself out there because I'm intruiged to see what my "market value" is and wow! Amazingly despite the fact that I'm 42 and don't filter any of my pictures I'm getting matches with men in their 20s. They say lovely things to me, they tell me I'm beautiful and ok most of them just want to get in my pants but I'm fine with that! I don't want a boyfriend! I arrange to go on a few dates and feel great about myself for the first time in years.

One of the people i'm chatting with is funnier than the rest. We click and he seems to really understand my sense of humour. We chat online for three weeks then we meet up. He's looks just the same as his pictures and I really like him. We have a great night. He's 40 and his two kids are the same age as my two kids. I tell him I don't want anything serious as I'm not even divorced yet, he agrees. Three weeks later he tells me he wants to be my boyfriend. I love spending time with him and feel happier every day.

He seems very different to my ex. He accepts when I feel angry or annoyed and apologises if he's done something wrong. He listens to me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and after three months he tells me he loves me.

This should all be a dream come true but I feel in my gut that it's too early to be in another relationship with someone else. On Valentines Day he cooked me dinner and we had a great night together but I couldn't help feeling sad that the year before I was with my ex, blissfully ignorant of his lies.

Yesterday my sister was visiting and we were up late drinking wine and watching crap TV. She lives a five hour drive away so we don't get to see each other that much. New guy hasn't met any of my friends and family yet because we both have kids, jobs and hobbies so we meet maybe two or three times a week and we live half an hours drive away from each other so meeting friends just hasn't cropped up yet. New guy is a paramedic so he works long hours and he suggested he could come to court with me on Tuesday but I told him it's not a good idea and so now he's working that day. This week I've been stressing about going to court. I haven't told many people but he knows. Last night he sent my sister, who he's never met, a facebook message (he's not friends with her on facebook he must have found her on my friends list) saying that he thinks she or my parents (who also live five hours drive away) should be with me at court on Tuesday as he's working and can't be there.

This has totally shocked me and I feel like he's sticking his oar in where it's not needed. He hasn't even met my sister. She's known me 41 years, he's known me 4 months. I told him I found him sending her a message a bit weird and maybe we need to put the brakes on seeing each other at the moment. It feels like he's trying to control me but I may be over reacting because of the way my ex treated me? I really don't know if this is OK or not? Help!

[Bluntness100]

Hmmm, sounds too clingy and needy for four months, it's too much, the sister thing then this message. I'd suspect he's quite controlling, sorry op. Just something about it sets my teeth on edge.

[JigglyTuff]

Good luck today. Stand firm - very much doubt this is the last you'll hear from him

[Ellisandra]

He told you he set the alarm and set through it.
If it was that common for him to sleep through alarms (twice in 4 months?) he'd be late for work pretty frequently.
I call bullshit on that one - I very much doubt he slept through alarms at all.

I think you've done the right thing, dumping him for not giving you the space you wanted - let alone the other stuff, especially trying to micro manage your life for you!

Good luck in court today go in remembering that you don't take shit - you just proved that!

[Montane50]

Who doesn't need an ego boost?
But tomorrow you are one step closer to showing your stbxh, and any future partners that you are strong (we all have wobbles), and you can perfectly manage without any man. If you choose to then be allowed into your life, you can say with confidence 'i dont need you to be here, i choose to allow you to be '. Very empowering op.
Now get some sleep and kick some arse tomorrow in that court

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Him going to court with you with anything to do with your divorce is massively inappropriate.

[Sammyhb]

I think you're right, I should never have downloaded Tinder in the first place tbh. I think I was just desperate to feel OK and get past being dumped by a serial cheater. It was a massive ego boost to find out other men did want to be with me, but I know my self worth needs to come from me.

BF has contacted me tonight saying "I can't not see you anymore. I love you and I want to be with you." This is pure selfishness on his part - I asked for space and he ignored me. Test fail. He is now XBF.

Now I've only got tomorrow to worry about......

[Montane50]

Im behind you 100% but the more you write the more it seems clear you aren't ready for another relationship op.
He seems quite controlling already, and you seem heavily dependant on him (you needed to see him because the divorce papers were served that day....imho the people who supported and loved you through thick and thin were the people for that occasion), it looks like you're jumping out of the frying pan into the fire op.
Take time away from the dating scene, enjoy yourself, do all the clichéd things they show in films. And in at least 1 years time, start to think about dating x

[Namedchangedjustforthis]

Him suggesting coming to court is overstepping the mark but I could live with It If he took no for an answer. However the sister thing is way wrong. And as for the not waking up I know many people working 3-4 12-hour nightshifts who manage fine. The words "intense" and "rollercoaster" would also put me off. I just want a nice quiet peaceful life.

[Sammyhb]

He did set an alarm clock, it just didn't wake him

[Sammyhb]

I think I also have a very short fuse because during my relationship with my ex husband I wasn't "allowed" to get angry so I'm much more on it if things annoy me now and probably go a bit over the top. I was with my ex for 15 years and the emotional abuse gradually built up over the last four or five years to the point where I regularly questioned my sanity and own intelligence. My divorce is not at all amicable - my ex doesn't want to get divorced despite the fact he cheated on me a lot so he's made things really difficult and will probably continue to do so for many years to come.

[Ellisandra]

In a 4 month dating period, he has failed to show up at least twice because he has fallen asleep?!!!

Wow.

I wouldn't date someone who wasn't bothered enough about seeing me, to use an alarm clock

Once would just one of those things - twice? Nah.

[Sammyhb]

We communicate lots over WhatsApp as we're both really busy and sometimes in the middle of a conversation he just stops messaging me because he's fallen asleep. His sleeping patterns are ridiculous because of his job - he works days and nights so on a couple of occasions we arrange to meet and then he hasn't shown up because he's fallen asleep. One of those occasions was after my ex had been served his divorce papers and he said he would be there for me. But he wasn't because he fell asleep. I was really angry on that occasion but I made allowances because I'm really proud of the job he does and he works three or four 12 hour night shifts in a row so he must be completely shattered.

[Ellisandra]

He accepts when I feel angry or annoyed and apologies if he's done something wrong

Can you expand on that a bit?

In 18 months, my boyfriend has only once annoyed me to the extent that an apology was due. (and even that was half because it was a particular trigger for me rather than an out and out wrong thing to say to anyone)

I'm interested that it sounds like you have only a 4 month relationship and yet multiple occasions of anger or annoyance?

That aside - I would go nuts if that happened to me, about your sister! You're not a child.

[Hissy]

If you ask him to back off and he resists, then absolutely you need to end it.

I had similar, told the guy that o wasn't comfortable moving too quickly, he wanted boyfriend status on date 2, talked holidays on date 3, wanted to push meeting his child (who sounded really hard work/rude and over indulged) he was horrible too about his sick ex wife, really horrible. I said I didn't want to involve the kids, I had to say it over and over and after the 3rd time of being really clear, and him - I think - attempting to engineer a situation where I'd have to meet his child by accident, I said that it was best if we left it there.

I'd been ill too and had said I felt like death on a number of occasions, he'd instantly call me... I couldn't breathe to climb the stairs, really needed to just go to bed... but no.. he calls for a chat.



I'm trying to find something to reassure myself that this guy's alright, and to see a reason that youre overreacting but I'm struggling. Our instincts are there for a reason, for whatever reason your instincts are telling you to back off and beware. He harrumphed.

Focus on the court, and leave him to one side. I think you should ditch him for sure, but when you're ready.

You have enough on your plate atm.

[JigglyTuff]

Thank you for taking my posts in the spirit in which they were meant. It shouldn't feel like a rollercoaster you can't get off :( but I think it's really good that you're recognising that feeling.

[Underthemoonlight]

Op I think I have to agree with Jiggy it's all very fast and on his terms. The whole messaging your sister is a massive red flag for me.

[Sammyhb]

Thankyou JigglyTuff, I think you make a good point. I think I don't even recognise what a healthy relationship looks like at the moment. He is very intense and it's bowled me over but it's also like a rollercoaster I can't get off.

[JigglyTuff]

Sorry, I shouldn't have said arsehole but he is controlling. Honestly. He's following a pattern.

Have you done the Freedom programme? I think it would be really beneficial.

You are a very, very vulnerable woman who has just come out of a controlling LTR. You need space. A normal and decent bloke would respect that. He wouldn't be push, push, pushing you for more all the time.

[JigglyTuff]

Just wanted to elaborate on my post as it was a bit blunt.

What I find concerning is:

• 3 weeks: he says he wants to be your boyfriend after 3 weeks. You have 2 kids - how much time had you actually spent together at that point?
  
• 3 months: tells you how beautiful you are constantly and says he's in love with you. Again, how much time has he spent with you?
  
• 4 months: tells you he thinks he should come to court with you when you are in court vs your husband. You tell him that it's inappropriate.
  
• 4 months: he contacts your sister, who he has never met and has no contact details for, berating her and your parents for not attending court with you.
  

And now he's having a massive sulk because you told him to butt out.

Do you see how he's calling all the shots? Do you see how he's escalating? Do you see how he's trying to position himself on your side against your family?

This guy is bad news.

I'm sure he's very 'nice' to you but he's a controlling arsehole. Seriously.

[Sammyhb]

I realise that being emotionally open and passive aggressive are a contradiction. What I mean is he's very enthusiastic when things are positive, he cries at sad films etc but he hates conflict and although he apologises when I challenge him on something he does reflect, take it inward and get sulky. But so do I.....

[Sammyhb]

Thanks so much for all your comments, I've found it hard today because we usually chat a lot about our day on WhatsApp so it feels weird not speaking to him. He hasn't contacted me at all which I guess is good as he's giving me space. I agree that this should be his best self he's showing me now. He is very emotionally open which is one of the things I like about him, he says how he feels whereas my ex is a moral and emotional vacuum. He's got both his legs so he's definitely not a con man lol. I know the right thing to do is back off and wait and see but I need his support more than ever this week.

My best friend would come with me but she's looking after my kids tomorrow as it's half term here.

Thanks so much for all your support ladies

[whattodowiththepoo]

I would be very uncomfortable about this but it wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship.
I would tell him very honestly that no matter why he did it, it was creepy and makes you uncomfortable his reaction and his actions in the future would be what matters now.

[Cricrichan]

He sounds OTT. It would have been fine for him to suggest that you ask a friend or family member to come with you but not to contact them himself, especially as he doesn't know them - completely inappropriate. And then to sulk about it isn't a good sign.

[JigglyTuff]

The red flags are piling up.

[expatinscotland]

Sammy, when your gut is telling YOU something, please listen to it! Cool it down as much as you need. It's early days and you're just getting out of a marriage and you don't really know this person.