Struggling - sex life after baby

[PipplingsLoveCheebies]

NC as DH knows my username - 6+ years member.

We have a ds who is 7m. I am breastfeeding and on the pill, we are awaiting all clear from vascectomy carried out last month. We have had sex 4 times since ds was born. DH wants more, alot more. I'm not bothered. He feels that I don't find him attractive, or don't enjoy sex. That's not the case, it just doesn't enter my mind. I don't notice when it's been a while but he does. He could practically tell you how many days/weeks it has been.

It's all come to a head today because I fell asleep last night when putting ds to bed.

He basically spent an hour ranting at me and I have no solutions. He thinks there is something wrong, possibly psychologically with me and wants me to go to the drs. I otoh think what we're going through/how I feel is on the normal side - maybe not normal to all but it's not completely unheard of iykwim? We went through this with another child too but he seems to have forgotten this! It did eventually get better once I stopped bf but dc was older than ds is now and I don't feel ready to stop.

I'm going to go to drs anyway so that he sees I am trying but I can't just flick a switch and want to have sex all the time, it's going to take time again to work up to a better frequency.

Has anyone else gone through this or similar and come out the other side? I love him so much but I can see that it is becoming a serious issue for him. It's easy to say oh just have sex more but it's not that simple for me.

[PipplingsLoveCheebies]

Maybe alice! He was cooking/cleaning more for a bit last month as thought maybe I'd be more inclined to dtd but when it became apparent that it wasn't working he stopped again.

I'm bloody knackered and have a sore head an afternoon of crying does that to you so going to head to bed and cuddle into my snotty baby. At least he loves me just the way I am.

[AliceInHinterland]

I wonder if a GP could help with his only occasional desire to cook dinner? There is obviously something wrong with him as my husband wants to cook at least every other night! May be his hormones or something?

[Chathamhouserules]

No, I think losing your libido while breastfeeding is very normal (although may not happen to all). It was all very dry down there I found. Like your body's way of saying 'no more babies at the moment.'
You could tell him that you're much more likely to be in the mood if he did all the night wakings for a few days because you're exhausted. And like pp said there's nothing sexier than a dh that cooks/cleans imo. But even then he might have to wait till your hormone levels change again. And if he doesn't understand then why you are not up for it then he is an arse.
I had to reassure my dh that I still found him attractive and that I was confident I'd get my libido back. And I have, at least a bit anyway! He was disappointed when I kept saying no, but never got grumpy about it.

[PipplingsLoveCheebies]

Thanks everyone

[expatinscotland]

'Still might be worth a trip to the GP. '

There's nothing wrong with her, she said the pill is only temporary. Her problem is one the doctor cannot solve: her h is a nob.

[SpaceDuck]

I would see how you feel after coming off the pill for a couple of weeks then. It is listed as one of the side effects of the pill so good chance that it is that. If there's no change then I would put it down to breastfeeding. Still might be worth a trip to the GP.

Shame on him for having a go about it though!!! What a big bag of arse. It's hard enough with the sleepless nights, sore nipples, bleeding for weeks and weeks, post pregnancy body hang ups and any other post pregnancy issues (stitches, c section etc) without your DH pestering you to have sex with him all the time!

[AliceInHinterland]

Ummm you don't need sex to stay alive so even if you had zero sex drive there wouldn't be anything 'wrong' with you. If you felt that you wanted the pleasure of sex, you could of course seek help. With a 7m old and breastfeeding it's likely to come far down your list, way below, for example, the biological necessity of sleep.
This is not the time of your lives for him to push the issue. Your need for his practical and emotional support is far more real.

[PipplingsLoveCheebies]

It may well be SpaceDuck - this will be something I would discuss should I go to the go bt not entirely sure I should be going now! I'll be coming off once H gets the all clear anyway, it was just a short term thing as I/we don't like faffing around with condoms

[SpaceDuck]

I know a lot of people have said that it could be due to you breastfeeding, but could it be your pill? I've only just gone back on the pill after DS and I have seen a noticeable decrease in my libido. Before that, I wanted sex all the time. Now, we haven't had sex for about 2-3 weeks. This is partly down to irregular bleeding but I would say mostly my lack of libido. Seriously considering ditching the pill and switching back to condoms.

[Phoebefromfriends]

Is he for real? I wouldn't waste a GP appointment on this but would send him instead as he clearly needs his head seeing too. Demanding you see the GP and moaning about lack of sex would not get me in the mood, it adds pressure on you to service him.

Tell him you find nothing sexier than him pulling his weight around the house, getting up with the baby and cooking you meals. If he stops moaning about being horny and starts caring for you then you might be in the mood.

[expatinscotland]

'He said I was repressed?'

More gaslighting bollocks.

[PipplingsLoveCheebies]

I meant wank not want in my post but I think you got that expat. He said I was repressed?

[expatinscotland]

'I know he wants but I don't know if he knows I know. He says I am a prude as I don't like to talk about sex stuff but it's just how I was brought up I suppose. '

He calls you a prude? How fucking disrespectful. He sees his need for a sex as a real priority that you need to fill, hence 'sleep during the day' (so you'll be able to service my dick when I need it). He gaslights you, telling you to go see a doctor because 'something is wrong with you' since you won't serve as his personal wanksock.

[Naicehamshop]

He needs to grow up. And fast.

[PipplingsLoveCheebies]

Thank you all - you've made me feel like I'm not a terrible wife! He has a very high sex drive, I know he wants but I don't know if he knows I know. He says I am a prude as I don't like to talk about sex stuff but it's just how I was brought up I suppose.

You're right about the talking about it. When he brings it up I get this feeling like I have a rock in my belly and it makes me tense up, and I'm definately not in the mood then! We cosleep so sex is not in our bed which brings it's own challenges, plus baby wakes lots in the night so I am very tired. He tells me to sleep in the day but not always possible - can't go back to bed once I've done the school run as I'm too wired and that's when I do dishes/washing etc.

He entertains ds, cuddles him and plays etc but doesn't get up in the night with him (usually just wants boob). He does make dinner on occasion and do dishes sometimes too, from my point of view I am happy apart from knowing the sex thing is making him unhappy iykwim?

[Huskylover1]

I wouldn't be happy with 4 times in 7 months, but we don't have little kids around (grown up). Thing is, he isn't the one whose body has gone though major change, he's not lactating and I bet his sleep is not disturbed anywhere near as much as yours. I think with a 7m old baby, that you sound totally normal! I would expect sex to be infrequent for quite some time to come, actually. I have no idea what the answer is!

[expatinscotland]

Don't take him to the doctor with you! FFS, I wouldn't go at all. Why? Because there is nothing wrong with you! He is gaslighting you.

[NattyBatty]

Wow. I'm sure your DH is usually lovely, but he has some serious apologising to do.

Honestly, I didn't feel like having sex for a good 6-12 months after birth, and my DH was helping by doing some night feeds (mixed bf and ff). Do not ever feel guilty for feeling like you want sex. Your body is pretty much an on-demand baby food maker, and your exhaustion levels on their own would put anyone off sex.

I'd be tempted to wake him up every time you need to do a night feed so that he gets an idea what the interrupted sleep alone is like (yes, I know, I can be petty)

I love the idea of taking him to the GP with you, so if you go for that please give an update with all the juicy details!

[Chathamhouserules]

Yes, send him to the gp!

[Chathamhouserules]

I think your hormones change when you're breastfeeding. At leAst that's what it felt like for me, and then there's the tiredness. All add up to not feeling like makin' lurve. Sometimes though I found if I gave it a go, I got into it and enjoyed it. Then after a while things get back to normal, although still not v frequent! Feel more keen if husband steps up and cooks dinner/sorts washing/puts children to bed. That is what gets me in the mood these days!

[Juveniledelinquent]

You poor thing. Your not so DH is a twunt of the highest order, I can't tell you how angry I feel on your behalf.

How you feel is perfectly normal and it's completely out of order expecting you to go to the fucking doctors. Don't go, is my advice. Why should you? There's nothing wrong with you.

Tell him to lock himself in the bathroom and have a wank. Tell him to shape up as a loving and understanding husband.

I can't believe how he's treating you, please accept a virtual hug from me.

Oh and show him this thread.

[eurochick]

I had zero libido while I was lactating. I don't think that unusual. Tell him to have a wank.

[Northernlurker]

Well he's being a total prat about this. He needs to remember love and sex are separate but connected parts of your relationship. The more he tells you there's something wrong with you, the less loved you will feel, the less sex there will be.

I think the advice to visit a female GP is good. Failing that I suspect a much married male GP with kids is likely to be as useful in telling him to get a grip.

[BagelDog]

Bf plays havoc with you hormonally... I still wanted too but was a lot trickier to get turned on, often didn't orgasm, and everything was very dry. Totally back to normal when I stop feeding. Happened three times now. Physiologically totally normal and nothing can change it really, so he will just have to wait. A decent GP will prob be pretty happy to explain it to him if it helps... I do some teaching at antenatal classes and always mention that this can happen...

[beelover]

I don't think ranting at someone, let alone someone who is breastfeeding a young baby, is going to be much of a turn on! He is being totally selfish. I agree with the others who say make him go with you to the doctors appointment.