Where do I go from here ? Social Services. (long sorry!)

[mumgointhroughtorture]

My kids are in long term foster care and have been in care since May 2012. I get 6 times a year court ordered contact. Since my children have been in long term fc my DD (nearly 10) has missed several contacts. Then the middle of last year our social worker at the time became so overwhelmed with the job she started failing in her responsibilities. I went to management and she left the job. She gave my DDs carers the wrong contact details in June last year and she missed the contact. So we were at this point owed 3 hours for contact. We were took on by another sw and within a couple of months she found she couldn't work with my DS (nearly 13) so he was given a male sw . My DD's sw was absolutely fantastic to start with. She was encouraging me to do assessments to get my DD home. She was ringing me daily and Then we got to Christmas .

Christmas contact was arranged and we were given an hour less contact coz of the contact team messing up dates. I complained and my DS's sw said to take the contact and they would make the hour up . My DD decided apparently she was finding contact hard over xmas so she told her sw who arranged with me to do the contact herself the second week in January. This week came and went. Despite me complaining to her numerous times. I spent a whole day ringing SS and got fobbed off , everyone was in meetings or engaged . Management won't even take my calls. The receptionist just kept trying to get me to speak to my SW and put me through to her. At that point I had a contact in place for 28th Jan and I knew her plan was to hold it out til then. I told her this and she said it wasn't.

So the 28th Jan came. I asked the contact centre manager to make sure both DC were coming to contact at the cinema . She said she would check and get back to me. She didn't. Day of contact came and the worker couldnt get in touch with DD's carers so assumed they were on their way. Then she said my DS was in respite and neither his own carers nor the respite carer had any idea contact was happening. So his SW hadn't informed anyone and my DD didn't turn up either despite repeated calls to her carer. I phoned and text her SW and no response. Then halfway through contact the worker said my Sister and my Nephew wasnt allowed at contact and they had to leave! The sw had took them off the contact even though it was agreed by the LAC reviewing officer that contact was family every time now. We spent half an hour with the worker on her phone backwards and forwards with calls to confirm this. This ruined contact for us all.

So now I'm owed 9 hours with my DD and an hour with my DS.
The LA have broke a care order , I'm ordered to see my DD 6 times a year , last year I saw her 4 ! When I told the SW she tried to tell me my contact was reduced to 4 times anyway , I told her No , the LA wanted 4 times but it was agreed with the previous sw that I'm a positive in my 's lives and she was happy to keep it at 6. She then backtracked and agreed it was 6.
I've not seen my DD since October. My DC dont get sibling contact so they haven't seen each other either.
I wrote off a 6 page email to the chief of our LA SS Monday morning. I got a reply back saying that he would look into it but haven't heard anything since. No contact with the SW's. No management involvement. I work full time now 8-4pm and can't answer my phone during work hours. I want to take it back to court but I would probably lose my job taking time off because I've only been there 3 weeks. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall whilst losing my DD. Shes been lied to a lot during this and atm they keep telling me shes not in a great place and shes playing up at school and feeling really unsettled. Shes been moved a lot and shes struggling to attach to anyone and then they do this. I feel like they are trying to mess my DD up even more. Surely if a child is struggling with attachments the last thing you do is take away her parents ?!

I have never missed a contact myself , I fight really hard to stay in my kids lives. But I feel like I'm being pushed to give up with my DD. I won't because I haven't come this far to give up. When I told the SW I was looking to get legal advice on this she told me to do what I've got to do so is she pushing me to go back to court ? she's changed so much the last few months. She was pushing me to get my DD home at one point and now shes pushing her out my life . I just dont know what's going on and what to do next ? I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm trying to better myself , getting a job and getting the money to get a new house for my children to come home but every step I take I get knocked back 6. What do I do now?

[PurpleThursday]

Op I think finding an experienced solicitor who can make your voice heard and help you get this mess sorted out is the best bet. Well done for persevering and doing everything that has been asked of you. It sounds an horrendous situation and I am amazed how you have coped.

Hermione I don't think it is fair to judge the OP on old decisions, she was clearly under an enormous amount of stress and as she has already said, she didn't want to chose between her children - I admire her for taking that very difficult decision and not isolating her son further in already very difficult circumstances.

OP I hope you continue to get support in rl, keep strong, I am a firm believer that the truth comes out in the end.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I don't understand why you thought it would be better to put your 5yo daughter in foster care with her brother, when you could have had her home and continued to fight for her brother separately

[StickyMouse]

LadyHelen OP said that she chose not to fight for DD as her DS "needed his sister", they were initially placed in FC together

[StickyMouse]

I think that you have massively let down your DD. Surely keeping her at home would have been better than being placed with her abuser in the care system? Sat here looking at my 4.5 year old DD and thinking wtf. This must have been a very difficult case for all involved, including you.

Obviously in the 5 years since things have moved on, people have given you advice to try to help in your fight for your visits with DD, however do try to be calm in your communication with SW and SS. Can you afford a solicitor?

[flapjackfairy]

As a fc with a long term foster child there is always a massive back story to cases like this and if you heard the ss side no doubt it would paint a v different picture.
Whatever the issues contact 3 -4 times a yr is common with long term as they are not seeking to maintain a strong bond because the child is not going home. Op has been given 6 by the courts in the care order.
Whatever the op has or hasnt done she should have those contacts honoured and ss dont seem to be playing ball here so i understand her frustration

[LadyHelenOfShitsville]

So IIUC you decided that both DC should go into care so your son (who sexually abused his sister) would not be on his own on the proviso that you would see them 6 times a year? So your DD stayed with her abuser at least initially? Did you not get any legal advice to keep your DD with you and get regular separate visitation with your son (who is a victim just as much as your DD btw). There must have been something else going on with your parenting for this not to have happened. You must have shown you could not keep either child safe. You don't know who abused your son to make him behave this way to his sister either?

I think you need to put your energies into saving up for the extensive therapy they will need as adults if they do ever come back to you, and I have to say, I hope they don't.

[forumdonkey]

Desperate and Bluntness your posts were exactly what I was thinking. Something doesn't add up.

[Desperateforsleepzzzz]

Plus it's not odd for 12 years olds to get themselves to secondary school, not many parents walk their DCs in to secondary.

[Desperateforsleepzzzz]

^^ exactly ! It does not add up at all. Surely given the option you'd keep dd in your care , your son was 8 years old at the time of being taken into care And your dd 5?

[SouthWestmom]

I think Bluntness is trying to make sense if a very odd tale tbh.

You chose that both your kids went into care rather than trying to keep your daughter? That in itself is quite odd really, surely?

[Desperateforsleepzzzz]

Hmmm this is very confusing, so your kids were placed together in FC initially under section 20 (voluntary) where you had 3X weekly contact but cut it back? I'm assuming the care order and reduced contact was due to your ex and you being in a DV relationship? If it were due to sibling abuse there's no way they'd be placed voluntarily together. I have heard of others in similar situations regarding sibling abuse and have seen threads on here generally it would seem safeguarding measures and therapy are put in place with stipulations and CP plans such as to supervise their contact the whole time. I don't understand why they took both and cut contact but kept them together, you say yourself you wanted them to stay together? I expect your dd is probably avoiding contact because seeing you so little is to painful so she might prefer not to , as hard as that is.

[schlong]

Bluntness you're appalling. Op ignore.

[PandoraHatesTheBox]

Your poor children.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Anyway I was given advice and I'm gonna follow that this week and see where I get. Obviously some people are out to kick people whilst they are down so Il leave it now

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Flapjack they themselves cant understand why they were placed together. I don't know who made the decision they did , we've been through too many sw's to ask ...

And our old sw had a case that was almost identical to ours ,and we was told this is happening more and so maybe this goes on more than people know !!

[Bluntness100]

Hit a nerve did I? I didn't say you were putting yourself first. I said your posts were predominantly about you. But now you come to mention it, maybe you are yes.

Becayse what you describe happened to your children, at a very young age to caause them both to be removed from your care and and your future access deemed by the courts to be strictly limited to the bare minimum and only under strict supervision is nothing short of horrific.

I'm not saying they haven't been failed by the system, but based on what you've posted these children will be deeply damaged by the horrrors of their youth.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Bluntness woahhhh hold it there if I didn't think anything of my children I wouldn't have bothered fighting all this. I wouldve left my kids to the LA to fail them even more than they have. My kids are my number 1 priority in all this. I'm not narcisstic MY PARTNER was the narcisstic one. My kids have been failed in this throughout. I don't know how you can come to the assumption you have when I could quite easily have left them to this . Turned up at contact , if they didn't come thought fuck it. Gone on to my daily life and left SS to it. I don't know how much more I could've put into my posts to proof how much this isnt about me ... if I didn't put my first kids first I wouldn't be on this post .

My Daughter has attachment issues and they keep her from her family , yeah thats really putting myself first??!!!!

[Bluntness100]

You're right flap Jack it was the father who was diagnosed. 😞

[flapjackfairy]

I think it was the partner with npd not op! Thats how i read it.

[Bluntness100]

Oh god, your eight year old son told his teacher he was having sex with his five year old sister? The authorities have investigated and upheld that and they were removed from your care and separated? You maintain you don't know if an adult was involved in his sexual abuse of her and as if an adult was involved both of them were being sexually abused? And originally they were removed under section20 which meant no parent could provide a safe home for them?

Both children were removed from your care and you were only permitted very minimal contact under supervision by the courts.

There was a problem with the father but you stayed in a relationship with him.

In addition, You've been formally diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder.

Your focus on here is all about you, what you are doing for them , how great and dedicated a parent you are, buying gifts and caring so much, and will do anything for them.

You're poor poor children. Do you really feel your daughter would be better with you?

[redexpat]

And yes I agree with flapjack

[redexpat]

This sounds immensly frustrating. It sounds like incompetence and too big a workload for the SWs to do anything properly, rather than anything sinister, not that that helps you much in your current predicament.

Do you have notes of each meeting you have been to? Who promised to do what and when? There is a lot of detail in your posts, but I think for any future meetings or dealings with the authorities it would be really useful to have a very factual timeline of events. For example:
May 2016 DS told teacher he was having sex with his sister. School notified SS.
25th May 2016 SS interviewed both DD and DS at school.
26th May SS interviewed me.
30th May SS went to court to remove DC from my care, this was granted, with the provision that there would be contact 6 times a year.

I know it's tough to separate feelings from events, but it is a really useful tool to keep an overview of the situation.

Can you tell us what if any legal help you have had and who from?

[flapjackfairy]

Sorry just re read and see your son said he was the instigator!
Still seems a bizarre decision to risk putting them together!

[flapjackfairy]

I cant understand why they were placed together in fc if your dd had alleged your son was the perpetrator! Surely they should have been placed seperately anyway?

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Thank you borrowed. I probably mayve got my DD , I was asked by my barrister in court during th3 final hearing do I want to fight for DD to come bk but I couldn't do that to my Son.. Splitting up 2 kids that had never been apart. It mayve affected my rship with him forever. And now yes they got split up anyway but it wasn't MY choice. I cant choose between my kids. I love them both equally and rightly or wrongly I chose to keep them together. Right upto the second we went into the court room I was changing my mind but my Son needed his Sister . If they had split them from day 1 it wouldve been a different situation I could've handled differently. I did the court case on my own. My DD's Dad bailed on me without the first hour of the first final hearing. I did 3 days completely alone. I sat on the toilet floor crying after them talking about "forever famillies " for my kids. The judge told me they would remove me from court coz I told them I was my kids forever family not some stranger. It was like I was in a dream. The whole week. I walked in a daze away from court. Decisions I made then I may not have made in a normal frame of mind.

Because it was sexual they took the kids coz for all they knew there and then my kids couldve been abused by someone in the family. They are faced with these facts. I will never say that was a wrong decision. I didnt know this was happening and if they hadn't have intervened where would it have stopped?
I just wish I had been given more say in what happened..I didnt want it to go to court. My ex took it to court but in my eyes hes not got PR for my Son so how could he make decisions about his life and them take that decision without asking me .

If I had missed contact this many times they would be taking me back to court to reduce my contact ! Coz contact is important. They bang on about this . So why on earth my child can miss 2 contacts over xmas 2015, a contact June 2016 , a contact xmas 2016 and a contact jan 2016 so in the space of 13 months shes missed 5 contacts out of 8 !!!