Just found out dp has had a gambling relapse

[user1484477774]

As it says really, found the receipt on the floor from last night.

Bit of background, been together a year, don't live together or have any finances together thankfully.

Dp has had an extremely tough few years....he suffers from bad depression because of it. I'm not going into too much detail, but one of his parents commited suicide, he then found out this parent was not his biological parent. Gambling became a result of dealing with this. I won't lie, he has got himself into an amount of debt because of it £4000. But he's paying it off bit by bit.

For the past 6 months or so, he seems to have got on top of it all. He seemed to be doing well until the last couple of weeks where the depression has really hit him. He's been to the gp a lot and he's on medication however at the moment there is no available counselling in our area.

Anyway just to make this clear, I do not want to leave my partner. I love him very much. He's an amazing person that's had a really shitty time. I want to know what I can do when he comes round tonight. He knows I've found the receipt, I rang him up crying my eyes out. He said we would talk about it tonight - he's at work and obvs not something that can really be discussed over the phone.

I don't feel angry at him, maybe I should I don't know. I feel awful for him as I know he hates himself, he doesn't want to do this. He uses it as a coping mechanism to take his mind off other things.

I also am very much aware that he is the only one who can deal with this. He is the only one that can get himself help. I know this

I just don't know what I can do to be there for him.....

I am expecting everyone to say leave the relationship btw......i dunno. I just want him to be ok

[user1484477774]

Haha thank you ourblanche :-) I'm not someone who really gets angry but I think I really need too lol. I really do appreciate you spending the time to talk to me x

[OurBlanche]

Keep coming here. You'll get some good support!

Maybe I could wilfully misunderstand everything you post, so you get righteously angry - get it all out of your system

[user1484477774]

I understand that yeah. I never expected them to tell me to run for the hills. I'm glad I spoke to them though. I told them how I was ready to help him through this until his personality changed and now we aren't even speaking.

She did say sometimes losing people can be the trigger an addict needs to get help. However I doubt this is the case here. It really is the first re lapse and he is insistent on it being a one off. I'm over reacting blah blah blah.....

I doubt with the mood we are in with each other that we will get over this anytime soon. Even if he did just magically cure himself (know that this isn't possible obvs) I'm just so angry at the way I was spoken too.

If I ended it, he wouldn't fight for me, he would just go off and sulk into deep depression.

The more I write, the more I have had enough. Just wish i had more strength to get through the break up part x

[OurBlanche]

But then I've just called the gamcare helpline who have pretty much told me the opposite. They do, as they start from the perpsective that you have called because you want to help in the long term. That is their job, their strong point. Al Anon sort of do the same.

If you were more regularly in contact they wold give you more specific support, including it being OK to walk away if you can't take on that much work.

[tribpot]

Time to focus on you, as you say. I'd phone your mum and explain what the situation is, get it out there. Then put yourself first. Can you get out for a walk and clear your head?

[user1484477774]

Yes totally agree tribpot. I just need to distance myself from this for now. I'm even starting to take it out on people close to me. My mum has just rang to see if she could pop round. I've told her no cos I'm sat in my dressing down crying my eyes out - I didn't let on to her that I had been crying - and now she's gone abit funny with me.

I'm going to switch my phone off for abit, not heard from that dickhead and I probably won't until later. He won't realise how much I'm sat here worrying about him because everything is only about himself and no one else. It's all 'me me me' with him.

I can't believe how I've started this post off by saying I won't leave him and it turning into this. I didn't expect him to be so horrible last night but suppose that just shows what a true GA he is :-(

[tribpot]

I think that's the point, user. Having relapses is something all addicts have to be aware could happen at any time. It's how you react when it does that shows the true fact of the addict. Gamcare are right in one way, it can take a long time to recover (actually I truly believe there is no point at which you have recovered, it is an ongoing, life-long process of recovery). But one thing is guaranteed - an addict who doesn't truly believe they have a problem and sincerely wants to change will never recover. In the words of Mad-Eye Moody, it requires constant vigilance.

You are allowed to want to end the relationship because he's a knobhead, without reference to the reason for the knobheadiness.

Equally you are allowed to want to continue the relationship, provided you put appropriate safeguards in place. However, what you're hearing on this thread is experience of people who feel that ultimately the relationships weren't worth it and that being second place to an addiction is no relationship at all.

[user1484477774]

Odfod - most definitely. I am sorry to hear what you have been through. I really am.

I am struggling with it all. I mean I've come on here for advice and been told by the majority to leave. Which I totally get, agree with and was expecting to get this reaction.

But then I've just called the gamcare helpline who have pretty much told me the opposite. To be there as much as I can etc. It's an illness and like anything else, it can take a long time to recover.

I'm not in the mood to be there for him, again not because of the relapse but because of the absolute knobhead he's turned into.

I want it back to being just me and my kids.

[user1484477774]

It is the first re lapse he's had. He showed me his bank statements. I can say I do believe him there. When he's not at work he's with me. Not making excuses for him btw. This is the first relapse of a long slippery slope. Such a shame cos he's been doing so well. Paying his debts off. Paying more than the monthly amount to get it paid. I had no idea how well he had been doing at getting himself sorted.

None of that matters now any as he's been an absolute twat last night and I won't stand for that as I've done nothing wrong. So yeah....it is what it is I suppose

[user1484477774]

Thank you, you are right I didn't

I'm not someone who's going to moan about what they've been through but I haven't had an easy life by any means. I just want to be happy. I don't want a lot from life like money, nice house and car etc. I just want to be content and I know I cannot have that from him as he doesn't know how to be content with himself. He's had a life full of drama - as have I.

But the difference is, I'm done with it now. Done with bad times, stress and drama. I just want to plod along with life nicely with my kids doing the best I can for them. Sounds sad but that's a perfect little life for me

Dp wants that too however he doesn't know how too, he doesn't know life without stress, drama and anxiety.

Dunno if any of that makes sense

[mysticpizza]

There are things he could do which would have a near immediate effect in drastically reducing if not eliminating his ability to gamble. He hasn't done any of them because he doesn't want to stop and if he doesn't want to stop you will be dragged into a spiralling nightmare.

He's not an amazing person. He's been lying to you possibly for months (this is very unlikely to be his first lapse) and he's now minimising what he's done and telling you what he thinks you want to hear to get you off his back. Think about what you want and deserve because this is the life you can expect to live all the time he won't stop.

[tribpot]

Very sorry for what you're going through, user. You didn't choose this.

[BumDNC]

Don't fool yourself you are Florence Nightingale who will be the one to cure him of his ills. Only he can do that. By all means support him but you also need to keep a distance from your kids and finances and protect yourself

[user1484477774]

Livesinlegoland - thank you so much for sharing your experiences. That's helped a lot.

Right now, I don't think I can support him. Not because of the re lapse, I was fully prepared to stand by him through that. But because of the person he's been since I found the receipt. I feel gutted and broken.

I don't think I'll be coming on this post anymore as I really am too tired and drained to talk right now. I will however most likely start a new one when I'm ready too and try get over this whole thing.

Thank you for everyone's replies x

[LivesInLegoland]

My long term partner is addicted to gambling and has, over the years, racked up significant debts, in some cases over 50k at a time. We don't live together and have no shared finances. He too is lovely, kind, generous and charming, except when he is focused on when he can place his next bet.

We attend gamanon meetings, there is a separate meeting for partners/friends/parents of the gambler and I found this very useful. Through talking to people who had lived with a gambler, some for 20 years or more, I realised that supporting him would be a long term commitment.

We decided together that we wanted the relationship to work, we loved each other and when he was not gambling had a great life. He surrendered all of his finances to me, I hold all of his bank and credit cards and his on line banking access, which I check every day. I also track the debts, which fortunately, as he earns a good salary, he is able to pay off.

He says that having no access to money is a great weight off his mind, as he knows he can't gamble. I feel that its a great responsibility for me, but I can live with that. He knows that, in order for me to support him he must continue to attend regular meetings and be honest with me at all times. Gamblers are fantastic liars, but I know the warning signs and don't hesitate to question him if I think he is lying.

None of this has been easy, and there have been some occasions which haven't been pleasant. You have to be a very strong person to support a gambler long term, they can be very manipulative and sometimes downright nasty. Tough love is definitely required !

He and I both know he will always be a gambler, it can't be cured, just managed. But if you are prepared to accept the responsibility of that management (and your partner is content to be managed !) it can work.

Please consider going to gamanon, you will find many people who have much more experience of gamblers than I have. You can then decide what, if anything, you are prepared to do to support your partner.

[Paddingtonthebear]

Tell him he needs to go to gambling counselling or it's over. You can't do this on your own and neither can he. Tough love. Sorry, it's the only thing that has a chance of working.

[tribpot]

He doesn't see why I'm making such a huge fuss...

Because he's an addict with a 4K habit who's relapsed? It's not rocket science. It suggests to me that he's got complacent because he managed to do 6 months 'sober', therefore he can 'quit any time'. Therefore he can flirt with gambling but not get hooked again. All bollocks - as any addict actually in recovery will testify.

If he's making out he'll get professional help solely 'for you' or because you demanded it, you're in very dangerous territory. It makes you responsible for his sobriety. The next time he relapses, he will manufacture a row with you and then blame you for the lapse.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Have you ever seen a poor bookie user; neither have I.

He will always be a gambling addict and he could further relapse at any point.

Re this question from OurBlanche:-

The question you should be asking is "Am I certain I want to fight being codependent for the rest of my life?"

Seconded. I also called you co-dependent and for your own sake I would suggest you do some reading around this whole subject and seek support for your own self.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He doesn't see why I'm making such a huge fuss....however he has said he will get some professional help".

Of course, now he comes out with that gem. Why now, why not far sooner than now?

It won't work for him because he is not doing that of his own free will; he is doing that for you and also because you've told him.

You wrote this earlier:-

"I am someone who has been continually cheated on and lied too by exs so for him to tell me his past told me a lot about him as a person".

My reply still stands:-
This tells me that your own boundaries in relationships are pretty much shot. Dating this man also tells me that your relationship bar is still far too low and you have accepted to date what to most people is a complete deal breaker. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you?.

I would seek counselling for your own self anyway particularly if you have any latent rescuer and or saviour tendencies.

If he really is the person that has made you the happiest you have ever been then you still have an awful long way to go before you can actually be in a healthy relationship. This is still not a healthy relationship, not even within 1000 miles of being one.

A long line of poor relationships on your part is also no coincidence and this is why I asked you about what you learnt about relationships when growing up. There is a lot of stuff here that you are going to have to unlearn. I would advise you to love your own self for a change, stop looking to men to validate you and start unpicking the emotional harm that your ex's did to you.

You think your ex's hurt you; well you will be in for a whole new level of pain if you let this man into your life any more. He has upset you enough already. You are in charge of your own recovery.

[OurBlanche]

That shouldn't be your question at the beginning of a relationship.

Some will, many won't, others - most - will struggle forever.

The question you should be asking is "Am I certain I want to fight being codependent for the rest of my life?"

That is something only you can assess.Many people do, lots of addicts are successful in relationships, mainly because they are honest, receive help and accept that they place added burdens on themselves and their loved ones!

There are a few posters here who could talk to you about their realities with their addictions, they are often brutally honest!

[user1484477774]

Probably not.....are you saying gambling addicts can never recover?

[ImperialBlether]

Is there any point in a relationship which has no future, though? If you can never live with him, never go into a joint enterprise like a holiday with him, is there a lot of point?

[user1484477774]

I do honestly appreciate everyone's comments and I do need people's valid opinions. Especially when I'm feeling low and pretty vulnerable....like now

However I don't necessary agree on setting the bar too low. Me and dp had an instant click when we met, it was pretty amazing to be honest. I told him stuff from my past and he told me - the gambling was part of what he mentioned. At that point, i honestly had no reason to doubt him.

No matter what he's done recently, he's still the person that's made me the happiest I've ever been. So obviously to walk away will be extremely hard but i will 100% stick to my word and say me and my children are worth more.

I have spoken to him a couple of times since my last post. He doesn't see why I'm making such a huge fuss....however he has said he will get some professional help.

I have said under no circumstance will do I want any sort of financial commitment to him.

That's pretty much it. Wether I see him tonight or not I don't know. Kids have activities on a Thursday night and we are never usually home til late. I'm full of cold too, drained from crying. Just want to get me and the kiddies to bed and get some sleep

[StripeyCover]

I still think your relationship bar is way too low

^ This