stuck in a sad situation...what can I do?

[anontoday2]

I'm married, 2 children and in my ealry thirties. Dh and I have been together for nearly 11 years but married for nearly 3. Over the past 2 years DH and I have grown apart, I would say since the birth of our second child. He hasn't really bonded with DC2 and it seems as though we have one child each! He used to be good fun and very chilled but now he is constantly grumpy, he has always liked a drink but only really at weekends and not to the point where he was drunk IYSWIM? Now he drinks every day, probably 5-6 bottles a night of beer, probably doesn't seem much but every day I think its excessive. He also very quickly flips from good mood to bad mood and DC1 never knows if he is coming or going. DC1 absoloutely adores him and he is a good Dad, but never takes them out on his own like for a walk to the park or anything like I do with them. We don't argue we just don't speak much and I have got to the point now where I just don't love him. He can't understand that I can't accept being called a c* then refusing to have sex with him five minutes later. We went out at the weekend and instead of enjoying time with me and the kids he just listens to everyone else's conversations and slags them off, I'm so tired of hearing it, I don't care what other people are talking about so that starts another row! If it was just me I would walk but I can't stand the thought of the DC growing up without their Dad around. I have asked him to come to RELATE and he agrees but never gets round to going. He also slags off all of my family and friends. He moans that I should go out more then when I go out he warns me about going off with other men and won't talk to me. I just don't know what to do I'm at my wits end with him.

[anontoday2]

sorry that post was long and bitty just had to get it all out.

[HappyDaddy]

Yeah, he's a great dad isn't he?

Sorry but why does every post about a tosser have that disclaimer in, when it's clearly not true?

[Carmenere]

Good point HappyDaddy.
He sounds depressed tbh. How do you view your future together?

[Bucketsofdynomite]

Yes, good dad for one child but not another isn't really good enough.
I think you need to ask him, when sober and not so likely to take the piss, what he wants his life to be like and what he thinks his life will be like if he carries on as he is now.
Have you actually booked a Relate session and he's refused to go or have you just not managed to co-ordinate childcare etc?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"It was just me I would walk but I can't stand the thought of the DC growing up without their Dad around".

Did you grow up without a Dad?. Is that why you hold that opinion?. You don't have to answer either question.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

I would argue that their Dad is not really around anyway is he if he's drinking that much every day. He's taking no real notice of either of your two children is he?. And he treats you with utter contempt.

What is better; two parents at war with each other but "together" (staying together for the sake of the children) and two parents apart but ultimately happier?.

What lessons are you both teaching your children - damaging lessons are being imparted here to them; ones that they could well go on to repeat if no solution is found.
He's showing your two that he can treat Mummy like something he's stepped and Mummy accepts this.

Many women in an abusive relationship like yourself use the "well he's a good Dad" because they have absolutely nothing else that is "good" to say about him with regards to relations with their own selves.

Your husband is a deeply unhappy individual; I would also say a controlling one. You cannot fix him so don't even try. Controlling men are often very angry men too.

If he won't go to Relate (which is not surprising really given the fact he does not seem to think he has a problem) consider instead going on your own and discuss these issues with a counsellor.

Your children and you deserve better than he.
You actually can change things for the better for you and them; you just have to start believing in yourself, recover your self esteem and making plans to separate if this is what you ultimately want.

[Aloveheart]

Sounds like my ex husband. hence why i left.

[HappyDaddy]

He maybe depressed. Bet you have to do all the work in trying to help him, on top of looking after both your dcs while he does sod all.

I grew up without a dad, it aint the end of the world. Especially when it's clearly more damaging if dad is around. DCs will learn from you how to behave rather than him.

Surely that's better?

[Aloveheart]

i left and my ds2 completely changed he is so much happier now. They pick up on it and if he sees his dad treat you like that he might do the same when he's older in a relationship because he thinks thats the right way to do it.

[GooseyLoosey]

My mother left my father when I was about 4 and then as a result of his emotional blackmail they got back together. For the remaining 14 years they were married it was hell living in the same house with them. I am convinced that had they remained separated I would have a much better relationship with my father than I now do, their lives would have been happier and my childhood would have benefitted.

The point I am trying to make (albeit in a rather round about way) is that the notion that it is always better to stay together for the children is daft. Children do not need to grow up in the kind of atmosphere that 2 people who have fallen out of love are capable of creating between them

[wishing1]

I was with my x for 9 years and I kept the relationship going, he just took me for granted, called me the c word. Our daughter started getting really angry and resentful, tearing up family pictures and it was really effecting her, she was 11 when I left him after seeking counseling "alone" counselor said to me, "do you want your daughter marrying a man like him because she repeats what mom does" that shook me up and I left, but she was 11, now she is 17 and lets boys walk all over her, is absolutely drop dead gorgeous but has low self-esteem, maybe I stayed too long, but bad marriages make your children what they are when they grow up, it can greatly influence the adult they become. Our son turned out fine who is now 20 and he treats women pretty darn good It is very hard emotionally and financially raising kids on your own, but I look back now that i have been with my new dh 3 years and don't regret leaving at all. My new dh has respect for me, has never called me a name and never raised his voice, he's sweet, doesn't drink, and life is good. There are good guys out there that will also love your children, but give your dh a chance at counseling, if he goes then you might have a chance, if he doesn't go then he doesn't care to keep things together and one cannot do it alone. good luck