Is love enough?

[bananarama75]

Is love enough…..
Just wondering what your thoughts are on this. I’m engaged to a wonderful man but unfortunately we have a long distance relationship (both single parents with sole residence with school age children). We have been together for over 5 years.
Next year was supposed to be the year that myself and my DD move to live with him. Aside from the fact that my DD is now not keen (she is 13) there are other factors that are starting to concern me. Hence me wanting to know if ‘love’ is enough of a reason to make the move.
My fiancé is a truly lovely man, kind and caring and loves me to bits. But, the reasons I am getting worried about the move are several.
1, He has two sons, 17 & 19 both still at home. The 17 yo is doing an arts access course at school having failed his exams. 19 yo did a 2 yr HND type science course which finished in June 2015 and has not got a job yet. He has tried to get various apprenticeships but not yet succeeded and tbh is always too late when applying and misses the boat. He has had an interview for 1 job in all this time but didn’t get it but aside from that, nothing. I know DP is frustrated by his DS’s reticence in getting work but when I suggest DS signs on at the job centre he baulks at this. There seems to be a lack of motivation on the son’s part and not much butt kicking from his dad. I am SO frustrated by this – especially when my DD’s have all gone to grammar schools and are conscientious pupils/students. 1 now at Uni and the other going next year.
2, I am planning to sell my house (the family home – I will have two DD’s at University by the time we move) , give up my job, leave family and friends and make my DS3 change school/leave friends etc etc. DP’s house is to be frank, a bloody tip. I know we have said that we will decorate it once Im down but honestly, it needs far more than a lick of paint. The kitchen is a jumble of units from the 80’s, there is mould in the bedrooms, the lounge has a goddawful fireplace which looks like its from the 1940s even though the house was built in the 80s. Plus there is junk everywhere. His office which is part of a converted garage – well you literally have to climb over stuff to get to his desk. I have asked where my stuff will go when we move and he just laughs it off and says I will clear you some space in the garage. I know he’s just joking but Im getting a bit annoyed because I have to get my own house ready to sell (DIY jobs which I have asked if he can help me with but he is slow off the mark with those) so I don’t think its unreasonable that he start thinking about where our stuff will go and what preparations he can make prior to us moving. We are only talking about 6-7 months time after all.
3, He lives on his parents farm and works for them but only on an hourly rate. Whilst they can’t do without him (they are both in their early 70s) they won’t hand over the reins to him and his brother (batchelor who still lives with parents at 40 yrs old) – GOD! So, he doesn’t exactly have a great income but whilst his kids have been at school he has managed ok with the help of WTC/CTC. Because he hasn’t know anything else, he is used to having his parents make all the decisions but I am not sure if I can hack that. Can you imagine having your mum/dad as essentially your bosses and ones who make ridiculous financial/business decisions? (He lives in a tied house so he doesn’t pay rent so I guess it puts him in a difficult position as he can’t really tell them to stuff it as they essentially provide a roof). We had always hoped/planned that we would run the farm together. There is also a campsite which could be something really special too. His parents are still humming and harring over bringing the two sons into the business so it doesn’t look like anything will happen anytime soon.
All this sounds so negative, but it’s the practicalities of the situation that I am getting overwhelmed with.
Yes we will have a lovely life together – eventually. He lives in a beautiful part of the world and it is my dream for us to be together and live the good life! But if things aren’t right when I move down i.e. his DS’s (will they ever leave home???) will I just build up resentment about everything I’ve given up?
I have told him I am confused about things – ok, mainly its because of my DD not wanting to move down (her father has said he can go and live with him and she seems happy with this – of course I am not) but these extra things are making me feel like its not the right time anymore.
So, is love enough? I don’t think I will ever find someone who loves me like he does – nor do I want to - we are very compatible. I do love him very much but right now I can’t see past the realities of the move.

[bananarama75]

Just thought i'd update this thread as I have now told my fiance that I won't be moving to be with him this year.

As expected, he was disappointed though not extremely surprised but above all, understanding. We have agreed to continue our relationship as before, though I dont know what the long term outlook is for us. The worst case scenario is another 5 year apart. Hopefully by which time, if we are still together, he will have either become a partner in the business or the farm will have been sold and he will be in charge of his own destiny.

I felt a big sense of relief for having told him, though a little sad that things will now take alot longer before we get our happy ever after. But I am realistic enough to realise that 5 years isnt forever and if its meant to be it will be.

Thanks for everyone's help and input onto my thread, it really was a great help to me.

Best wishes to you all for a happy and peaceful 2017 xxx

[bananarama75]

I will tell him, that is not an issue. I know he will understand but he will be disappointed as he has always said he wont believe im moving until im actually there. I just couldnt tell him this weekend. I will do it in the new year.

[HandyWoman]

People tend not to change by this stage of their lives.

If he's stressed about things that you think are fairly minor, and if those things are relevant to whether your lives will work together (living the good life) then you are going to find yourself incredibly frustrated.

How can you not tell him you aren't moving in with him? What's the alternative? This is a major decision. You're adults. It's how it works.

[bananarama75]

I would like him to address the issues he feels stressed about with his parents. But he won't.

I dont think there is a lack of compassion, I listen to his concerns and I try to give suggestions about how he might be able to approach things but he never takes them on board. I get that he is stressed and stress isnt the same for everyone we all feel it differently, but it seems a bit weak. I can't solve all of our problems on my own and if he's feeling stressed about quite a minor issue(in my eyes), then how can i then lump the news that i am not moving on him now?

[RedMapleLeaf]

Is there a bit of a lack of compassion here? You say that he's feeling overwhelmed by people's expectations of him and the next you're dismissing the same feelings by saying he's just stressed by putting a couple of camping pods in.

[bananarama75]

You've all made me think about the compatibility aspect of our relationship. I guess I never really questioned it, we love eachother and enjoy the same things but maybe you are all right and I need to take off these rose coloured spectacles.

Interesting point about the LDR being the reason we have lasted so long. Think living together sooner would have brought up these issues sooner. Up until now, (well the last year really) i havent had to properly consider how actually living in his environment would be.

[bananarama75]

You guys, its like you're in my head! - thank you for your thoughts once again. Its reassuring to know that many of you would not be contemplating a move given the situation as I have described. I am pretty much 100% sure that I will not be moving next summer. I just need to find a way/sum up the courage to tell him.
Oldestmum, thanks for sharing your thoughts - sounds like you have the inside track on farming family life. I must admit it is the lack of independence and autonomy that puts me off more than anything. I just cannot imagine having to wait for decisions to be handed out by his parents on all matters.

I was at his house/farm this weekend and I spent the whole journey (1hr 20 mins) rehearsing what I was going to say to him... along the lines that the overriding reason I wont be moving this summer is because of my DD but also that although we have been working (when I say we - I mean "I") for the past 3 years it now does not seem like the right time to be making the move and that maybe the extra time will give HIM and his FAMILY (sons and mum/dad) to sort out what they are doing with their lives.

So it was with some trepidation that I arrived on saturday morning. Had a cup of tea and a sit down. I was psyching myself up because I thought I had better say something sooner rather than later. Then he starts telling me how stressed he is feeling. When I asked why he said its because he feels like everyone is waiting for him to 'save the farm'. Dont get me wrong, its not bankrupt or anything but in the spring his parents need to refinance their loan (small in comparison to the value of the farm). My fiance has been looking into various options to expand the campsite. I was a bit deflated, I mean, he's getting stressed about maybe putting in some camping pods. He went on a bit about work etc and I just thought, I can't tell him now. So I am afraid I jibbed out and left it. I felt guilty all the weekend. i know I need to tell him. I think it is going to have to wait until after Christmas.

I am going to see a mortgage broker before xmas to find out how much i can borrow towards a smaller house where I am now. To be honest, I am more excited about that than anything.

Dont worry i will tell him. He deserves the truth.

[RedMapleLeaf]

But his "it'll all work out" attitude perhaps does work for him! It sounds as though they're incompatible rather than he's wrong or bad.
it sounds as though the OP is looking for him to provide her with a life he can't or won't.

[HandyWoman]

Think the boyfriend is getting a slating because he sounds like he's never had to crack on and make life decisions. Big red flag. He displays zero motivation to make preparations for OP moving in, not even organising his belongings to clear a way to a desk. Never mind the rest of it. Has no real autonomy in his life and his attitude to his son's shows he is happy that drifting along in life is OK. It all screams an attitude of 'well it'll all work out' well no, it won't! He sounds incompatible with OP and her values. I think the fact that this is a LDR is probably what's kept this relationship going...

[RedMapleLeaf]

I'm not sure why the boyfriend is getting a slating.

OP I see no reason why you can't have your Good Life future. Living on your boyfriend's parents' farm is just not the right way to go about it.

[category12]

I don't see that it has to peter out - you could go on as you are and enjoy what you have. Really it is the best of both worlds - the fun and support of a boyfriend without the daily slog.

There will be a lot of slog living with this man. He's not tried to make his place nice or welcoming for you and dd. He's in no hurry to offer you assistance with getting ready for the move on your side either. Either he is unmotivated or he is lazy or all his energy goes on the farm. Or a mixture of it all. So if you moved in, it would be you fixing up the place, you redecorating, you keeping it tidy. With your money very likely. Don't expect him to suddenly shape up and be proactive himself, if he helps physically, it will be you driving him. And there will be friction about his sons who are in his image.

I would wait until dd is an adult, then throw your lot in with his. But not until then. Enjoy what you have now.

[BubblingUp]

I'm thinking the sons failed to launch because their dad failed to launch.

[oldestmumaintheworld]

Do not touch with a very long barge pole ---- ever. Marrying into a farming family, even a very wealthy one, and this one does not sound wealthy, is a nightmare. The money belongs to the farm, the property belongs to the farm, the vehicles belong to the farm, your life belongs to the farm and if you are not a partner in the business you have no say in anything. If his parents have not relinquished control and given him money then they never will.

I'm sure that he's a nice man, but he's also a weak one. He has no money of his own, no prospect of getting any and can't borrow any. His house is a mess - filthy and outdated - and his two sons are either lazy or demotivated, ill-educated and jobless. What on earth is he bringing to the party. He continues to work for his parents despite having no control over the farm and tops up his income with benefits. All of this suggests there is no money in the farm apart from the property.

Please find someone else and walk away from this disaster waiting to happen. I speak from personal experience.

[SandyY2K]

No way would I move. His house would make you very very miserable.

I'd keep the relationship as it is. There's much less to argue about in LDRs.

[TwitterQueen1]

If you've waited 10+ plus years and you're still in this situation - it's never going to happen.

You would be completely mad [and that's putting it politely] to give up your house, your security, your life, the happiness of your DD to move into a tied cottage situation with numerous not-your-family members and think you can carve out a life for yourself.

What happens if it all goes pear-shaped? What then? What happens to your money?

Really OP, I get that you love him, but just don't do it.

[bananarama75]

I'd obviously like to be with my fiance full time and planning our wedding and starting our lives together but i guess 5 years isn't an eternity although it can sometimes feel like that when you spend another evening on your tod. I thibk I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't on this whatever decision i make. Move and risk everything or don't move and the relationship peters out. I don't think there can be many people who have waited 10+ years to be properly together! !

[Pikawhoo]

You can still have a relationship without living together.

Are you happy with the situation as it is otherwise? It might be a great relationship, just a non-standard kind of one where you accept that you aren't living together but do care about each other. Maybe you could make some other kind of commitment, or plan some special holidays, but keep the status quo as it is for now.

[Cricrichan]

This has nightmare written all over it.

The house will have nothing done to it by the time you arrive. You'd have to do that and pay for it all yourself. Plus having to deal with his teenagers and no doubt do all or a lot of the housework etc.

Stay put.

[IJustWantABrew]

Why don't you rent your property for the time being and allow your daughter to live with her dad initially. Then rent a small flat near dp's farm and then slowly and together clear stuff out. If he's running a farm I doubt he has a hell of a lot of spare time . Set yourself a time frame, so say 6 months and if things haven't got better within those 6 months, so the state of the house, his son getting of his arse etc head back home. Yes you will have given up your job, but your going to end up regretting not giving it a chance.
You might find that your not compatible enough to physically live together or that you don't enjoy living the farmer wife lifestyle - mud everywhere and dp coming home smelling of cow shit.
I don't think love is everything. You can love someone and they be completely wrong for you.

[bananarama75]

I was (before getting cold feet about the move ) going to sell my house and downsize to a flat which I'd either rent out or if the older DDs returned to the area, they would be welcome to live in for as long as they needed while studying or working.

My DD3 knows my fiance very well we see eachother every weekend and in the school hols as i work term time. She regularly accompanies me at the weekends that we go to his house and gets in well with his sons.

I do appreciate all your comments and I suppose seeing them in black & white my choice is pretty much obvious.

Im from a rural background myself and although not a farmer am used to country life and the trials and tribulations it would bring but i think the reasons i mentioned in my first post would spoil the idyll that I have envisaged for so long.

I think the right thing to do is put the move on hold. It was originally going to be next summer before DD3 started Yr 9 and taking her options. I don't want to get too bogged down in talking about the implications on my DD as this ultimately will be the reason That I do not move anyway. I was just more interested to know what people thought about heart ruling head in a situation like mine.

[QuiteLikely5]

Don't do it. Listen to your instincts. Respect is a huge factor in any relationship and you do not truly respect the way his sons are behaving our your dp handling of the situation.

Start detaching

[Lilacpink40]

How much will you love him when you're trapped (all your money in his house)?

This isn't a fair situation. Why not tell him that?

He'll need to become an adult, get a share in the business and fix the house. Then it's fair.

[HandyWoman]

You would be mad to consider this - incompatible on key issues (finances, home, autonomy, motivation, tidiness, parenting) plus the sacrifice would be pretty much entirely yours in terms of security, finances, inheritance for your children, support network, your autonomy over a roof over your head. You'd be throwing away your financial security and the strain would be massive, you would hate living there and his dc will drive you made and potentially never leave home. Plus your daughter is at probably the worst possible age for such a huge move.

No, just no. Love is never enough. And definitely not where dc are involved.

[Kr1stina]

You would be stark raving mad to consider this ! As others have said, you are not remotely compatible on key areas such a tidiness, money and parenting.

Also farming is a very hard life, especially if you are not brought up in it. And it's s very traditional community which sometimes isn't welcoming to outsiders .

You have, I assume, no experience of country life let alone farming. You are planning to help him in a family business which he doesn't even have a share in. And help him do up a house which he doesn't own and has no security of tenure.

Even if the parents split it between the two sons in the next few years ,is each half big enough to be viable ? Where would he get the capital to develop it ?

What about your work - can you get a job in the new area ?

I'm sorry but this has disaster written all over it .

[GizmoFrisby]

No don't do it. I think your money would dwindle away and you would end up unhappy and with nothing.
Do his parents own the farm?
Farms generally need to stay in the family. Can u imagine being there for a long long time? You sound like chalk and cheese to me