Married to a workaholic

[killbilly]

How do you cope with being bottom of the pile?

My DH isn't hugely ambitious he just happens to have a lot of responsibility. But it's taken over our lives. He typically works most evenings and in pretty resentful.

The house is neglected because there are things I don't have time or inclination to do like DIY etc.

I feel neglected and unloved at times. Three months ago I talked to him about it and he promised things would get better but they haven't.

The children get plenty of attention when he's around but there's not always a lot left for us as a couple.

He cannot reduce his hours and carry on in the same job. He's too fearful of walking into a similarly draining role to leave the company. Catch 22 :(

I need coping mechanisms fast! Before I get any more miserable! I can't be the only one,

Had anyone managed to turn around a workaholic other half?!

[whirlygirly]

I divorced mine (that wasn't the only reason but it was a massive part of his detachment from the family and me.)
It was miserable. He's now remarried and is about to miss his wife's significant birthday party to go away with work.
I think it's wrapped up in some people's identities. Bloody exhausting way to live for everyone.

[killbilly]

Wow lots of responses...

I've realised he's not actually a workaholic - but he probably has workaholic tendencies... he's driven by staying on top of hundreds of daily emails.

I'm not leaving him but I understand people who do!

[jeaux90]

People don't change. If they were work obsessed when you met then it's unlikely that will change when their identify is firmly planted in their career. I think some people (like me) manage to strike a balance but then I am a single mum and I have a live in nanny to do all those things that a lot of people (rightly or wrongly) expect their OH to do. I work and I spend time with my DD. And that's all I can or want to make time for. Thought this might give you a different view. I recently started seeing someone and it's a struggle to make time.

[messeduptotally]

I left too, he worked most days til 7 or 8pm most Saturdays, got pissed Saturday nights then sat around all day Sundays. Never spent any time with DD, left me to do everything and I had a FT job too but apparently mine wasn't a proper job (I earned more than him working from home)

He didn't even earn that much - blamed him working all on me as apparently I spent all the money. Funny that I have more money now I'm single..

[geekymommy]

I don't mind the distance. I thrive on benign neglect. I like that I don't get dragged along to a lot of social events or involved in DIY projects.

What I do mind is that I suspect he thinks less of me for not being career minded. Well, SOMEONE has to make sure they're home in time to get the kids from daycare, and be willing to take a day off to be with a sick kid no matter what anybody thinks at work.

I also mind that I feel bad about asking him to stop working and take care of the kids, especially if the reason is so I can have some leisure time. I can't argue that he gets more leisure time than I do. I have a hard time getting him to understand that the kids shouldn't have to be doing something productive or educational all the time, that they need downtime.

[IDismyname]

Well I would be issuing an ultimatum to him. If he's unable to commit to a date night once or twice a month, so that you can start to reconnect, then he doesn't want to make the effort. Something absolutely has to give!

I have a self driven workaholic for a DH. It's been very stressful over the years, and I look at our DS who has now left school. He's been 'paid for' by DH, but I have brought him up.

We do, however, try and go out once a month. Supper, the theatre... Whatever. And occasional weekends away, although not easy to organise with younger kids, I know.

It is absolutely a status thing. When I mention that I'd met a friends husband, the first question from DH is 'What does he do?" They pigeon hole themselves by their occupation.

It's not healthy at all.

[fiorentina]

As someone who works long hours with a 1.5 hour each way commute I feel for you both. My job is stressful, I don't necessarily want to work the hours I do but company circumstances mean it's high pressure and there's not just an option of saying I won't do this. I know I work efficiently but there's a lot to do and in my industry it's not uncommon for them to get rid of people that aren't delivering, via a compromise agreement/pay off.

I feel for you though, hopefully your short term support will enable him to find an alternative. Pressure to be home earlier and not work is probably causing him more stress though. I'm sure he'd rather be at home or relaxing? Can you afford for him to take a pay cut for a different role?

[Im0gen]

Chelsea - I'm impressed that you have the courage to rip that bloody phone out of his hands .

And also that you manage to get your DH to sit at the dinner table . Mine never did.

[confused114]

My dad was like this so I'm thinking about my life as a child - my dad put work before me. That's as simple as it gets. My poor mum had such a hard time, she brought us up. I'm guessing this is similar to you.

Anyway my mum should of left him, she wanted to but she was scared. Every night he would come in from work and still have work to do. We weren't allowed to make any noise while he was on the phone. We weren't even allowed in the living room. My dad was horrible, so snappy with us, bad tempered etc. I was scared of him.

Turns out he ended up having an affair a few years ago and now my mum and dad are divorced for that reason.

But honestly she put up with so much, so did I to be honest as a child.

My dad still hasn't changed. I have a relationship with him but he shows very little interest in my life, I've got used to it now I'm in my thirties.

But what I feel about my dad is, he couldn't commit to our family. Now he's divorced from my mum, he has all sorts of hobbies, even pets now. We were never allowed pets growing up but now he even has horses. So for some reason I don't think he was a workaholic. He just couldn't give us his all.

I'd hate to think you go through life the same as my mum has. I wish she left my dad when I was younger. I'm probably not much help but just a different perspective from me as a child. Not a partner. Good luck x

[Madinche1sea]

Im0gen - sounds like a total nightmare.

I have been known to physically rip the phone out of DH's hands. Also, the kids having phones has helped because if he tells them they're not allowed phones st the table, he has to practise what he preaches really.

So now tonight, he's at his boxing club (never to be missed) and will probably come in and be on the phones to some other time zone for a few hours.

[Im0gen]

I think all you can do is take small steps to reconnect. Book a babysitter once a week and go for dinner or something. During this time his phone HAS to be off. If DH and I didn't actively carve out this kind of time for ourselves, I don't know where we would be tbh

I know this is very sound advice but it actually made me LOL. In an ironic way and not a mean way, in case that's not clear.

I could hardly get my ex to go out once a YEAR . The idea that he'd give up one night a week for me is totally ludicrous . And the longest he's ever turned off his phone is about one hour and that was for a wedding / funeral. So perhaps one hour every two years .

If we were on a long car journey , he couldn't last an hour without his email, I had to read it to him while he was driving . And he spent all the time while driving on work phone calls .

When he arrives at my house to pick up the children , he won't come on straight away as he's needs to check his phone after the 12 minute journey from his house. When they were younger , the kids used to spot him in the car parked outside and rush out to see him but he'd shout at them and lock them out the car while he chatted to people on the phone .

Sorry I'm ranting a bit here. Id forgotten how bad it was .
for anyone still living like this .

[Madinche1sea]

Killbilly (and Sunny) - I think I'm married to a workaholic in the sense that, for him, nothing is ever enough and he literally doesn't know how to stop. He runs three companies and has countless other business interests. It stopped being about the money long ago. He travels a lot as well. On top of that he is fanatic about certain extreme sports, trains for events, etc.
We have 4 DC and I've been a SAHM for 13 years (that was a mutual decision, but hardly surprising given the way he is).
But I do think there is a difference between being a workaholic and being emotionally distant. It helps if you can try and understand why they are the way they are. In DH's case, I think the fact he went to boarding school at 7 has a lot to do with it because they were constantly told to keep busy to avoid homesickness / anxiety - he's become hard wired in this way and it's his coping mechanism.
Your DH sounds emotionally burnt out - like he's going through life in auto-pilot on an empty tank.
Many men find change difficult because they're so shut off from emotional stuff.
I think all you can do is take small steps to reconnect. Book a babysitter once a week and go for dinner or something. During this time his phone HAS to be off. If DH and I didn't actively carve out this kind of time for ourselves, I don't know where we would be tbh.

[Im0gen]

I would argue that we don't need the money and he could do a job with less responsibility. A fortunate position I know. I'm not altogether convinced that his pride could take the step down but maybe I'm looking too far into the future

This is just like my ex. He kept saying " I'll just have to work like this until X happens " . X was variously hiring new staff, those staff being fully trained, hiring more staff, getting Y contract , making Z amount of money .

Even when he had done all of these and didn't need to work at the same pace or earn as much, he wouldn't stop. I sat down with him and worked out what we could live on comfortably and how he could earn that and still have a life . He didn't believe me.

So we sat down with the accountant and did the figures and he seemed to accept it and We put plans in place so he could work less. Didn't make a blind bit of difference.

It wasn't that he couldn't stop, he didn't want to stop. He needed the status.

Marriage fell apart - he didn't have time . Kids pretty much gave up on trying to have a relationship with him . He lost all his friends . Family also gave up trying to see him - they were sympathetic when he was busy for a few months. He's been too busy to see them for decades and his only contact is when they come to events for our children or at family weddings.

Ex has chronic health problems and won't listen to the doctor ( do you spot a theme here ? ) . He'll be lucky to make it to 60 without a serious health crisis .

It's tragic . He doesn't give a damn what it will do to the kids, as long as clients and peers look up to him .

[Itssosunny]

it's the emotional distance that makes you feel unhappy isn't it
killbilly, thanks, it does make me feel unhappy. I feel like going along with the flow. He is sometimes so much involved with his work that when I talk to him he is kind of looking through me. I have to make sure he did hear what I said. He is fine being not attentive and probably expects me to go along with it. We haven't had sex for three months as he goes to bed late because of work (i know for sure it's his work and nothing else) and falls asleep on the sofa. Doesn't even try to get close to me cos he is that busy. His parents are coming over in a few weeks and he would have to sleep in our bed. I am sure he would then try things with me like nothing happened but I feel very sad like never before and don't feel like having it anymore. How can I be happy if he has just forgotten about me. There should be a connection. He does find time for important stuff on TV like probably most of men. Sorry for writing so much on your thread.

[killbilly]

ErnieandBernie - I hope you manage to come home with your children.

[killbilly]

Monkeyface - brilliant advice thank you.

Sunny - it's the emotional distance that makes you feel unhappy isn't it.

Yes-I'm hoping that he can do something about it! But I will try very hard to get him to see the light and help him to extricate himself and get another post. I've got nothing to lose.

[Itssosunny]

I feel neglected as well. I feel like the wife of the Einstein.

[ErnieAndBernie]

Unfortunately the only person who can do anything about this is him. You cannot change him or his actions. It is an addiction, it's not necessarily that they enjoy it, it's more that they can't step away....
You sound like you have give him all the advice and offers of help that it is possible to give. But unless he takes them, nothing will change.
I'm in the process of of very slowly extracting myself from a near 20 year relationship with my H who is a workaholic. Except we have 2 kids and currently live abroad. I want so desperately to come home. My H will never change and I just can't so this anymore.
I hope for your sake your H can and does change, but I think it will take an earthquake in his world to do it.

[Monkeyface26]

It does sound as though he is conflicted - stressed by the responsibilities of his role but also taking some satisfaction from holding such a position and reluctant to relinquish the status it gives. It might help for him to consider what he would want his days to look like if he could control them himself. Would he want to remain in this job if one or two aspects of it changed? Would he need the job to be radically different in order to enjoy it? Or is it that he likes the job but is just worrying that he is not up to it? If he could somehow magically have anything, what would he want? It sounds as though he might not know but I don't think you can get far until he does.

[killbilly]

Yes he agrees it's a big problem.

He would say that at his level everybody puts in very long hours. I would argue that those same people don't think about work all of the time and allow themselves some time off to just relax.

I would argue that we don't need the money and he could do a job with less responsibility. A fortunate position I know. I'm not altogether convinced that his pride could take the step down but maybe I'm looking too far into the future.

I think it might be helpful to break down the tasks of finding a new job into small chunks and spoon-feed him all the way. Is that unreasonable I don't know?!

[EssentialHummus]

It depends what industry he is in, I suppose, but this sounds a lot like the lawyers I know (speaking as an ex-lawyer). If it's that kind of role, I'd suggest he take literally five minutes to write to two/three good recruiters, attach his CV, explain candidly that he'd like a new role with x criteria, and ask them to get in touch for a chat.

He is making assumptions about what other jobs are out there, by the sounds of things, possibly because he is too tired/stressed to think straight.

[Monkeyface26]

It really does sound very hard on you both - and it's obviously completely unsustainable. Does he agree with you that it is a significant problem? Would he accept your characterisation of the issue as you have set it out for us, or would there be points of difference in the way he sees things?

[killbilly]

Jenny - you've hit the nail on the head. He's choosing not to do anything about it - but part of that solution is stressful to him as well. It's not that he can't be bothered. He has no energy to look for another post.

We've had the talk - I was very clear that something has to change. I didn't give him an ultimatum though.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

Ok so on the one hand he's very stressed but on the other he's choosing not to do anything to mitigate it.
If you feel his actions are incompatible with family life then you have to tell him that, I'm afraid.

If there's little chance of bringing more money in, is there any chance of cutting back financially ? I'm just thinking about ways in which you could reduce any financial pressure he might feel as the main earner. That doesn't address his mental attitude though of course - if he's choosing to work so hard and be miserable about it then I'm not sure what you can do other than making it clear to him how much this is affecting your marriage. Have you had The Talk with him yet?

[killbilly]

Illness would be the only thing that would stop him or get him to slow down. It's ironic.