Am I making a mistake?

[loulou1626]

Posted a few times this year regarding my partner of five years leaving me during a planned pregnancy and basically turning into a monster. Fast forward to now, my gorgeous baby boy is a month old and I am absolutely in love with him. Things are still tough but we're both doing very well and I have great support. I've not had any contact with my ex since April and did not contact him after the birth, though he would know that the baby had been born, and the baby has been resgistered without my ex's name on the birth certificate.

I've recently been contacted by his sister, firstly asking how I am and if i'd had the baby yet, she loved and missed me, was desperate to know if we were okay etc, I did reply just to say that we were fine but that I'd appreciate it if she didn't keep messaging me as there were a few sent and I just wanted to get on with my life, to which she got quite angry and upset and started talking about how hard it was for her, that I was out of order for not letting her see the baby because I wasn't over her brother (bearing in mind I'd never actually said she couldn't) and that she just wanted to know the baby and wanted her sons (three year old twins) to know him too. I became furious and responded out of fury and told her that any issues she had should be taken up with her brother, and that she clearly didn't care about me or the baby as all she was talking about was herself and trying to put the blame on me without any regard to the absolute hell me and my family have been through and her saying that my ex's actions shouldn't impact on her having a relationship with the baby just proved her lack of understanding of the consequences of what my ex had done. In addition, my ex still has a relationship with her sons and I personally feel that for my son to have a relationship with her and the boys while my ex is still a prominent part in their lives but obviously wants nothing to do with his own son would be beyond damaging. He parades around like the proud uncle but has done nothing for the baby and shown absolutely no interest and his sister doesn't seem to understand the problem with that or why I have such an issue with her still being close to him and expecting a relationship with my son. I truly resent my ex for doing that, especially because I still seem to keep having to take responsibility for his mistakes in terms of our situation.

Anyway, because I'm so fed up of being held responsible, because so many of her remarks infuriated me, because she clearly doesn't know half of what she thinks she does in regards to the situation, because I'm not actually an asshole, I said I would meet with her tomorrow to talk. I don't blame her for any of my ex's actions nor do I want to deny my son anything, but I honestly do not see any good coming of him having one with her. I just can't imagine having him ask me why his auntie wanted to know but his dad didn't but still likes seeing his nephews; the very thought makes me sick.

I feel like I'm only doing this out of guilt, out of lingering care for her as we were close before the break up and because I just want to actually have my say and tell someone on his side of things the real version of things, the real impact of his actions, but I'm starting to have second thoughts about meeting her, not only for the reasons that I've said but because of what fresh hell this might instigate in terms of my ex or god knows what else. I miss her and wish things weren't like this but they are and I'm just so fed up of feeling responsible when I'm not, but I just cannot see how this would ever work.

Am I making a mistake in meeting her? Should I just message her, explain myself, apologise and then cut contact again? Should I say it in person? I really have no idea what to do anymore.

[Footle]

No one on MN knows what she's really like or what her agenda is. Don't beat yourself up, just wait and see if you ever do feel it's safe to be in touch with her.

[loulou1626]

Zumbarunswim thank you, I appreciate you saying all of that. I do try and remind myself of all that's happened in order to try and find the strength in my decision, but I guess I just have this irratating ability to feel bad even when I know it's pointless doing so.

She did reply in the end and was seemingly quite understanding and said to just let her know when I was ready and that she hoped we were both okay so now I feel absolutely horrible again.

[Zumbarunswim]

Co-signing not consigning

[Zumbarunswim]

Just had a look at your previous threads and hell no don't feel guilty! His sister has been so callous to you!! Fuck her!! It also sounds like she is in a dysfunctional relationship of her own so she is consigning his bullshit and playing happy families. I think you've done the right thing calling off and in putting the ball in your court to get in touch with her. Any contact should be on your terms and if she can't accept that she is even more of an asshole. Well done on coming this far! I'm sure you've made progress from the earlier raw days to be concerned with how she is feeling

[maras2]

Stop worrying, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.Have a lovely snuggle with your baby and then try to relax and enjoy the tea and cake.

[loulou1626]

Well I told her that I couldn't meet with her today as something had come up and that I'd have to get in touch another time, and now I feel really guilty and worried about any potential consequences, especially as she hasn't replied even just to acknowledge the message.

[loulou1626]

Thanks again for all your replies. I appreciate a few of you saying it could be possible but like I've said a few times, my issue isn't with her seeing him and in the basic scheme of things it wouldn't be a problem, but my issue is the fact that his dad is still maintaining a relationship with her children but doesn't want to know his own son and I'm concerned of the impact this would have on my son if he was to have a relationship with her. I made the mistake of trying to be reasonable and considerate during my pregnancy to the majority of his family and got nothing but grief in return so I'm already extremely wary without the added potential for more upset for my son.

I just wish I knew which option had the least likely potential to have a negative impact overall.

[pregnantat50]

Just caught up and read your previous threads so I can give a more informed response.

My thoughts on this are, she was close to you when you were with her brother, but when he left you at 10 weeks pregnant for another woman, she also withdrew her friendship and support at a time you needed it the most. She says she misses you, but this isn't about her now, its about you and whats right for your son. You have done really well and turned your life around, your little lad has an awesome mum.

I am not saying dont let her have a relationship with your son, but allow it on your terms, eg, meet her with her twins when her brother isn't around, at your home, or external place. Personally though, I would question how much she missed me if she vanished when I needed her the most.

xx

[LineyReborn]

You don't want to meet up with her, understandably, so don't.

Tell her it's not the right time for it. Tell her you feel unfairly pressured. Or just tell her no, not now.

[Summerlovinf]

Absolutely no way I'd meet up with her. She sounds as entitled and melodramatic as her brother. You are well out of it. Say the baby's got a sniffle and cancel.

[Footle]

I know an 11 yr old in a similar situation , no contact with her father but a strong loving relationship with his sister. Could happen for your son too.

[jeaux90]

I was in a very similar situation. Dd father a narc and no contact since she was 1. She is now 7. But his sister and parents have a great relationship with my dd because I believe it's important. I tried to fast forward a few years in my head and thought it was best for my daughter. They are good people though so it was the strong decision. I don't blame them for the mistakes her father made. If they are good people there is no reason why your child shouldn't have a positive relationship with them. Xxx

[Bumplovin]

I am an auntie myself and maybe she has no ulterior motive about her brother but like me would be devastated if I had a niece or nephew I couldn't see. Like you said she has said she misses you. Maybe it's genuine? If I were you I would go, let her meet the baby then in person explain to her how you feel things are always far better in person

[loulou1626]

ahsan thank you for your reply. You've hit the nail on the head in terms of what a lot of people in my life think in regards to the whole situation, though I doubt it's got anything to do with my ex actually showing any interest. I guess I just don't know whether to say this to her in person or not as talking to her via message never really gets the point across, plus I'm quite afraid the can of worms has already been opened by me saying I'd meet her to talk, that she'll force her brother into being involved which again just seems very damaging for my son.

[DragonNoodleCake]

What newmumwithquestions said!

[ahsan]

Congrats op on your beautiful baby

[ahsan]

I agree with Cricrichan I would personally be suspious as to why she's contacting you after all this time? Are you sure her brother has not put in a word to her to contact you? I would step curiously op and would exactly be tempted to do what anyfucker said. You have no idea what's being said on that side and I also agree in the long run that will not be good for your son, surely she can see that. Besides if she cared so much about your baby why has she waited till it was born to be involved? Did she not care about your health while you were pregnant, just guessing she's only interested in the end result which is your beautiful baby. Op don't think his sister cares about you much so why she giving her the time of day and her brother abandoned you while pregnant so just close the chapter. What I think will happen is if she does see your child is that it will open a can of worms and she might start bullying you into doing other things. Op I suppose this is your decision if you want the babies father in his life then I guess you should go ahead but if not then leave it be as they both clearly shows they didn't care anyway.

[AnyFucker]

It won't get to court anyway and how would a mum with a new baby not meeting up with her SIL just to get hassled get to "look bad" ?

Fuck that shit

[loulou1626]

I guess I'm just worried about the aftermath in either scenario and I'm just so fed up of being the bad guy in the face of someone else's choices.

[loulou1626]

JustSpeakSense I don't have a problem with her, despite her insensitivity. My issue is the fact that she wants to know my son while her brother does not but quite happily has a relationship with her children.

[pictish]

I would meet up and tell her exactly what you've said here.

[JustSpeakSense]

I understand you want nothing to do with your ex. But I think your anger has been misdirected towards the sister who initially contacted you showing an interest in the baby and saying she missed you. She is your child flesh and blood.

[loulou1626]

I am tempted to do that AnyFucker but then the worry is that if her brother then does want to know and it gets taken to court or something I'll be looked badly upon, though I've never said anything about bringing the baby with me or anything which I wasn't going to anyway.

Zumbarunswim I haven't told my parents cos I'd doubt they'd let me leave the house to do it (had to move back in with them cos of the split) as they think his entire family should be kept away due to the circumstances of my pregnancy and such. That is my general view as well but I guess the fear is that if I do that then he may actually want to know and I'm convinced he'd be a terrible father and it would actually be better for my son if he didn't ever show his face. She acknowledged to some degree, based on what she thinks she knows, his behaviour but doesn't seem to grasp the reality of it and that really bothers me.

iseenodust a good idea and one I would consider, though I doubt any positive change would have taken place by then.

[iseenodust]

I would cancel. Your baby is only a month old & you've enough to deal with. Leave it six months and then decide if you want to meet up. Things may look a whole lot different...or they may not.

[Zumbarunswim]

And do what's right for you with the meeting. Could you take your mum with you? It's an emotional rollercoaster having a baby without all the shit her brother has pot you through and it's good you are doing so well. Don't meet her if there is the chance she will knock your emotional wellbeing. You are the only parent looking after your son after all. If she wants to put pressure on someone it should be her brother-not you!