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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My OH cheated! We are sorting things out but today i feel lost

20 replies

angeleyez061215 · 27/10/2016 14:15

My oh cheated on me with a yonger girl, cut a long story short its been a couple of times in the 15 years we have been together, this time is the first time i have ever thrown his stuff out and him so he new i wasnt being a mug no more an that i ment business and i told him stay away from the kids!! I did do a stupid thing which i never do and plastered it an tagged them on fb, which i have neverbdone before either! Since then he left the girls house and went back to his mums she lives up the road from me, so as i took that contol this time and did something about it, hes thought shit she means it this time im gonna lose my family for good.. So to make him relise what he lost i had to take control.. Anyway when he went back his mums the kids went up and he cried said hes really sorry.. Anyway today im feeling down i love him no matter what hes been my life i just dont no if i feel so down beacause im tired after a busy day yesterday or im just emotional about the situation, we are talking an sorting things and i know im stupid but until people are in the situation they dont no what they would do, an whenbyou love someone its really hard

OP posts:

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MissMargie · 29/10/2016 07:53

You could speak to an expert, a solicitor, and find out what a divorce will entail, how much money you would expect to have to live on, where you would live. Then you can mull things over as you know what the future could hold, not what you fear it might hold.
Easier to make a decision then.

OrcinusOrca · 27/10/2016 19:25

I don't think the fact he's done it X times is the sticking point, I think its WHY he did it. And whether he would do it again/you could trust him.

angeleyez061215 · 27/10/2016 16:53

OP posts:

adora1 · 27/10/2016 16:37

Well tell you what OP, you are worth a million of him, go find a man that has the same morals and pride in themselves that you do because to do what your OH has done is pretty low and he can't have much of a moral compass, never mind a conscience.

Harsh words on here, but be honest, would you not be saying exactly the same if this was our daughter?

angeleyez061215 · 27/10/2016 16:31

No ice never once cheated in 15 years

OP posts:

category12 · 27/10/2016 16:27

So what makes you think this time will be the end of his cheating?

You have split before.

Seems to me he knows perfectly well that he will be able to cheat on you and you will take him back. OK he might have an uncomfortable time for a while, but it all ends up with him back with his feet under the table. Then another rocky patch hits (which I am willing to bet coincide with him starting another affair, rather than him cheating out of unhappiness), he fucks around. And so the pattern of your marriage continues.

You'd be better off getting off the merry-go-round.

MissMargie · 27/10/2016 16:04

The more you love someone the more hurt you would be if they cheated I would think.

The more hurt you would be that they didn't care that they hurt you again.

A divorce and all it entails with the legal stuff, upset children, new homes etc etc is a scary thing to contemplate. But can you accept being put through all this again in a few years time because that is probably what is going to happen.

adora1 · 27/10/2016 16:00

Out of interest OP, have you ever cheated on him?

Am I right in saying this is the third time now, that you have caught him?

So what happens on the next rough patch?

TheNaze73 · 27/10/2016 16:00

But, it isn't a defence OP. You're blatantly allowing someone else to stick two fingers up at your relationship & to tolerate him fucking other women. Sorry to be blunt OP but, by staying with him you are saying that's an acceptable boundary

Joysmum · 27/10/2016 15:58

Ah right so it's your belief that it's more a case of losing his family, not that he's mortified he's continuing to hurt you time and time again.

That's fucked up.

OurBlanche · 27/10/2016 15:55

Oh! Well, you can keep on doing what you have done, and know that so will he.

Or you can stick to your guns and never have to go through this again!

angeleyez061215 · 27/10/2016 15:52

In my defence the first time we split for 6 months and then he wanted to talk we got back together an had a child, we went through a rough patch he was talking to some girl we split up for two years an then he come back.. Had 2 more kids an now just recent went through another rough patch again

OP posts:

adora1 · 27/10/2016 15:32

And loving someone doesn't mean you allow them to walk all over you, that's not a reciprocated love is it, a truly happy relationship is equal amounts of respect, kindness and loyalty.

Perhaps if you make him stay away long enough you may come to realise this and in turn realise you can do a lot better.

I know you love him but honestly OP, if you really want to test your relationship keep him away long enough so that he feels the pain you are feeling now, time is a great healer, it's also a great leveller and can bring insight, you're stuck in the mire at the moment and having him around will just ensure the status quo is kept, all very easy for him isn't it, a few crocodile tears and he's back in with minimum disruption to his life.

iremembericod · 27/10/2016 15:09

You say you love him because he's been your life...this implies he is all you know.

What would be good is to know that this is no life. And not all relationships have this betrayal going on.

I'd go so far as to say these are the relationships you have uncovered and I would hazard a guess there will be many more.

It is really bad for your health to stay with a man who betrays you. You do need to leave and let today roll, these emotions need to be felt but they won't last forever.

Carlinamoon1 · 27/10/2016 14:58

Sorry you're going through this but I have to agree with the other posters. I've been there and you won't ever be able to trust him. My ex begged and pleaded with me to take him back; including crawling on the floor. It didn't take him long to forget how sorry he was and he was texting a different woman a year later and another 2 years after that. He's now planning to marry that one! My only regret is that I gave him another chance at all. By forgiving him you will be giving him the message that this is acceptable. The first ow phoned me at the time; the conversation started with me calling her every name under the sun but it ended with us talking quite calmly. She told me that he would do it again and that I should leave him. I obviously thought she had a cheek and that made me more determined to keep him and stop him going back to her. However, with hindsight I hate to say that she was right. It's not really a competition and who wants to win a lying cheat who has no respect for you anyway? I also didn't tell my family or the majority of my friends because I felt that that it was a failure on my part. I wish I had and they were quite angry that I'd gone through it alone the first time and not gone to them for support. Now my self-esteem is on the mend I realise it wasn't my fault and I know I deserved so much better. You owe it to yourself to throw him out and move on.

AyeAmarok · 27/10/2016 14:56

I know you think you've taken control, but you haven't.

This man will continue to cheat on you time and time again.

By taking him back, again, you're basically telling him that you condone his behaviour. And that you will take him back again next time too.

You're not doing your DC any favours by staying with someone like this.

He's a shit. You deserve better.

adora1 · 27/10/2016 14:55

You should have kicked him out the first time he did it, it's the bare minimum after what he has done or any cheat for that matter, otherwise like your OH they just carry on doing it.

He has zero respect for you OP or your relationship, he doesn't value it and that's why he cheats and, of course he got away with it previously.

How many times are you going to allow it before you say enough is enough?

BolshierAryaStark · 27/10/2016 14:48

He isn't going to change, it's not a one off-it's a continuing pattern of behaviour. Yes this time you've given him a shock but it'll wear off eventually & he'll be back balls deep in someone else again. The only way to break the pattern is to get rid, you might love him but clearly the feeling isn't as strong in reciprocation or he wouldn't be fucking other people.
Find your self respect & leave him at his mums, permanently.

TheNaze73 · 27/10/2016 14:38

So he's done it multiple times? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me....

Regardless if her age, he's a cheat. You should kick him into touch or you'll be forever looking over your shoulder

category12 · 27/10/2016 14:20

It's not like it's a one-off tho, is it?

He has cheated multiple times.

OK, you have given him a shock this time, but it's funny how fast that will fade from his mind. Do you really want to live your life with someone you will never be able to trust?

I do know how it feels. I stayed with my cheating man. He did it again. And again.

I am a lot happier without him.

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