Partner's ex-wife has 3 kids with her new partner....my partner takes them overnight. please help!

[Aoife222]

Hi there, I am new here and wondered if you could tell me if you think I am being weird or unreasonable?
Long story short. I was with my ex for two years. He has kids and so do I as were were both married to other people once. His ex wife has 3 kids to her new partner and his own children stay half the week with their mum and half with him, their dad, so they see plenty of their half siblings.

My problem is I feel guilty for feeling the situation is too weird. My partner will go up and take his ex-wife's kids out and let them stay for weekends with his own kids! (Ex wife's new partner still lives with her so the kids do have a mum and dad at home lol) He says he is fond of them and they are his kids' half siblings, which I understand....but his kids live half the week with them! We split a few years ago because of this and other things so when he recently asked me out again, I thought he had stopped doing this. I find it very bizzare and odd. Today I learned he is picking his ex's kids up to go to a play area. His own kids are too old for this so won't be there.

Am I the one who is strange for thinking this is very weird? He says he feels sorry for them, but they have a mum and dad. Tonight his own kids and their half siblings will all sleep at his house. He is a good person but I became ill due to the stress of it all before and am wary of getting involved again. Some of his own kids are now adults. He says his ex's kids are cute, funny and he is fond of them. They call him "uncle"......please tell me, is it just me?! Lol. I have a decision to make regarding my future with this man. I don't feel his ex-wife's new children should be staying in his house or going on day trips with him (different if his kids did not see them at all, maybe). Please help!!! 😱😢😒

[HuskyLover1]

I couldn't be doing with TEN kids in my house, that sounds exhausting.

[allnewredfairy]

I would say it's unusual but there's nowt so queer as folk. I think you're right not to proceed with a relationship with this man. Anyone that takes this exceptional package on would need to be totally signed up to the family dynamic.

[bumblejee]

Has anyone considered that instead of being used, he actually enjoys spending time with them?

[Aoife222]

I don't know how to reply still lol...WorzelsCornyBrows. Omg! Never thought of that. I was with him when she started having more kids too! They are their dad's double but one little girl is very like his daughter. Obviously, they are half sisters though. Hmm. I agree, very overinvested in them and although he means well, he can't be daddy to all the kids he feels sorry for....unless they are his! 😖I really don't think so though. He is very honest and can be too soft for his own good. I will never understand the amount of contact so I'm better steering clear and getting on with my life ☺

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Lovely as it is for the children, he sounds incredibly overinvested in their lives and it seems he's being taken advantage of by the ex-wife and her husband. It all sounded quite sweet, until you mentioned him planning days out for the half-siblings which are not suitable for his own children, regular sleepovers which are not exactly necessary, and the biggest red flag that he doesn't even speak to his ex-wife.

One thing that occurred to me, is there the remotest possibility that one (or more) of the children is actually his?

[Aoife222]

Good point! I could ring him tomorrow and I could have breakfast in bed while he does the school run lol. The ex's kids are 7, 5 and 3. I was a bit shocked at the harshness tbh lol. I was only looking for opinions in case it was only me who felt it was a bit odd, even more so since they don't speak....apparently. Now I am wondering about that! I know he dislikes her due to her lack of nurturing of his own kids but surely he has to go in the house to collect her kids? He says he speaks to their dad. A dad who allows his partner's ex husband to take his kids out and have sleepovers instead oftaking them out himself. Each to their own. It obviously works for them alland if he is happy to be used and to be a dad to the world, then I wouldn't put him in a position of having to choose. He is more than good to my kids; a very paternal person. We have had coffee a few times, had a great laugh (he knows I found the situation odd when we were together) and are now at a stage of 'seeing where it goes'. It was only yesterday I discovered it's not just the odd sleepover with his kids (which would be ok) but he actually travelled to get his ex's kids yesterday to go to a play centre then for lunch - without his own kids, "to give them a break and get the kids a good day out". Hmm. I am happy they are all happy....but it's a bit of a circus for me so there'll be no more coffee. He would stop or cut down contact if I asked, butI wouldn't do that. The kids love him and are used to him now. It wouldn't be right....so I shall await my Knight in shining armour rapping my door lol. Just hope it's not another one in bloody tinfoil! :-/ ;) xx

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

Is he being used or is he choosing to do these things because he feels the dc need the benefit. He sees these dc who are his own dc half siblings being neglected by their parents and he wants to give them what his own dc had. I think that is an admirable character some others won't. Guess it completely depends on his motives and whether he is freely choosing to do this or is being pushed into doing it.

It is neither right or wrong the question is whether you can accept it or not and if the answer is no then you need to walk away.

[Gymnopedies]

Now OP, you are his ex too, why doesn't he take your kids to school so you can have a lie in?

[Cary2012]

Now now don't be rash OP, there is no need to go on Jeremy Vile

Whatever we think about your partner, it's you who has to live with this situation. Personally, whilst I think he sounds like a lovely caring man, I think ex and her partner are taking him for a bit of a mug. And if I was you, I would feel resentful on his behalf.

The crux is would he make changes if you insisted?

[Starryeyed16]

You got some harsh replies here op , never in a million years would I allow my ex to take my other two dc out on their on. The whole set up seems off to be, how old are these children?

[Aoife222]

He is a wonderful person and I respect what he does; it is admirable and very kind. I am not disrespecting him at all. My point was I find it unusual/peculiar that he feels the need to take his ex's kids for days out, especially strange when his own children are not there. I know the wee ones had a grwat day yesterday, he is very good to them. His own kids were at home watching tv...their choice due to being too old for the play centre. This morning all his kids plus his ex's are round the breakfast table at his house (I am at my own home) which is nice to see....but like I say, his own kids see their half siblings every single day anyway and live part of the week with them. He says he likes to make sure his ex's kids are having fun, getting out for a while and being happy (their mum and dad are together but apparently don't do much with their kids), which is beautiful.....I just think she gets it too easy and apart from an odd sleep-over, he should leave the responsibility should lie with his ex and her new partner. I do feel he is being used. He has a great nature. I would feel that it was a big thing for my own kids to get used to his - they love each other, but to explain to them that if we ever live together, my partner's ex-wife's children will come to stay at weekends, on holiday(yes) and that he will drive a distance on occasions to get these kids to school if mum sleeps in etc, is very very bizzare. He and his ex do not speak yet he speaks to her partner....odd! Anyway, it's not for me as I get a bit annoyed that he has to run and get them if he feels they have not got out over the weekend; they are nothing to him and I feel a bit dusrespected knowing his ex-wife's kids are being brought into my life despite having their own parents and his kids living with and seeing them every day. Could be me lol. Think I need to go on Jeremy Kyle!! 😂xx

[Millionreasons]

I think it's completely weird. It would be understandable if his own children were there but they're not.

How would he fit in a relationship with you anyway?

[HardcoreLadyType]

I think it's a nice thing for him to do, but I can see that you might not want to have such a big crowd descend on you.

If you can't deal with it, then I would think just don't get back together with your ex. I think I'm right in saying that you have no DC together.

Do your DC ever see his DC? It would be a bit weird and sad for them to have lived in the house with his children, and now no longer get to see them.

[FlabulousChic]

Personally I think it's weird it's costing him money to look after someone else's kids. Is he lonely? I think it's freaky

[J0kersSmile]

It's odd. I say that as someone who's ex used to have the dd we had together eow and my Ds that wasn't his.

I wouldn't like it. I'd tell him why you won't get back with him and see what he says. He's being used and it's very hard to respect your partner if you see them being used and taken for a fool.

[wotoodoo]

When I was reading this I thought may be there are issues with the mother, not coping/mental health because she would have to go along with this and be happy with this for ot to happen.

From what you say op I believe this dad to be a thoroughly decent and caring man, who recognises his ex might not be the best influence on her dc, and does not want these dc to suffer.

By working an arrangement whereby he doesn't have to communicate/row with his ex means the dc are not used as pawns.

What a thoroughly wonderful and decent man and he deserves a thoroughly supportive and nonjudgmental partner.

[Howlongtilldinner]

He sounds like a genuinely nice guy, I can't imagine many men doing this. However I do understand why you feel this is odd, and maybe you just want your and his kids as your 'family'.

At the end of the day they are part of his own children's lives, and they will appreciate that effort their Dad put in for them.

It doesn't make you a bad person OP, what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

Good luck

[JoJoSM2]

I find it weird. Also, if you're bothered, there isn't any point in getting back together.

[Ohdearducks]

My ex often treats our DS and my 2nd DS with my current partner to days out together and the odd sleep over. I will offer to do the same for him if he ever has anymore too. It signals that he is a caring and lovely father who can put the children first (regardless of who's kids belong to who) yabu.

[LilQueenie]

not weird at all. My own dad did the same with my sister. All were treated equal and my other sister (my dads child with new partner) stayed at my mothers. Look at it this way. Its your child's sibling and you trust that parent with the offspring you had together so why not your other kids?

[Aoife222]

Thanks everyone. He is a great person, loves kids and maybe feels his ex is not a great mother....they don't talk because she was not great with their kids and walked out on them, plus she tries to get him to have their kids 24/7 now she is back again, instead of shared custody. He feels she is selfish and spoilt....but I still cannot get my head around wanting to care for her other 3 kids when their dad is at home with their mum. Their dad happily allows my partner to take them out. He isn't a great dad. I was not fully against contact with the wee ones due to his kids being their siblings....until he started taking her kids out without his own (his own are too old for play parks etc) He has a big heart. I think I know what to do....the whole situation is not for me. I need to think of my own children and it's all too confusing to explain to them. Ah well...c'est la vie lol. Thank you all so much. I appreciateyour kindness. I got a few laughs from some comments lol 😂❤xo

[PeppasNanna]

I totally get where your coming from.

I wouldn't want to deal with this.

10 kids, 3 that aren't either of your responsibility? Sod that!!

He doesn't even talk to the ex? Weird all of it!

[sophiestew]

I think this is really bloody weird. He doesn't speak to his XW but he has contact and overnights with her DC with new partner,even when he doesn't have his own DC with him?

No, I would run a mile from this.

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

That's weird. I think it's more to do with having some weird connect to his ex wife. The fact he is now picking up kids that are no blood relative of his or has any parental responsibility to without his own kids being there is weird.

He is too invested. What does their dad say?

[NerdyBird]

It's unusual that he happily looks after his ex's kids that she had after they broke up. The weird bit is them not speaking but sending messages via the older kids. If my relationship with my ex was so bad we couldn't even speak about the kids I wouldn't want to send my young kids to him.
Anyway, if this was one of the reasons you broke up before and he's not going to change it then unless you can accept it I doubt it's worth carrying on.