Feel my husband has let me down

[Endoftheroad16]

Obviously he disagrees! But who is right?

We had a terrible year last year and he behaved like a total dick. I was heavily pregnant and my dad was dying. OH has a job where he has lots of " meetings" that are essentially just them all down the pub. Last year I never knew if or when he was coming home. He would stay in the pub all afternoon several times a week and not bother coming home until late.

We spent most of the year rowing or not speaking. This year our baby was born and he vowed to behave better. He stopped staying out into the evening and would always be home on time. However, the "meetings" continued and so he would still come home tipsy once or twice a week.

This was a large contributory factor towards the anxiety and depression I am now suffering ( and trying to seek treatment for). He now has a new job and so the all day in the pub meetings are hopefully a thing of the past. However, I still get really anxious if I suspect he might be in the pub or may have had a drink. He doesn't understand as he has never been on the other side of it.

Last week he agreed to do sober October. It was one small way I said he could help me and show me that he does care and does want to make things better ( for me mentally and our marriage). I'm sure you can guess where this is going! Tonight he is home, and ok he is sober, but he has had a few beers. He tried to pass it off as 1 bottle but that turned into 1.5 pints. Never known him drink halves so doubt that very much.

I'm hurt and angry and sitting in the bedroom because I don't want to be around him. I feel like he has stuck two fingers up at me. He thinks I should be congratulating him on going until now without a drink, since he has had lots of invitations to drink, and for controlling himself and being sober.

That all feels like bullshit to me though. My anxiety stems from never knowing if he would cone home and what state he would be in. So the fact he couldn't even make a month without alcohol doesn't look like a good sign to me.

[DoinItFine]

Then suggested he not drink Monday - Friday 9-5!

Sorry but and

That is tge most ridiculous "offer" of cutting down drinking I have heard.

"I won't drink when I am at work." FFS

[Endoftheroad16]

Yeah it sounds ridiculous.... but the majority of his drinking is from lunchtime onwards during " meetings".

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"There is nothing I can do to help him"

You wrote that End and you are correct. You are still not responsible for him.

Your posts are also very typical of this type; its mainly written about the alcoholic. What about you in all this, where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

There were many red flags re alcoholism in his family of origin re your H and its not altogether surprising that he is an alcoholic himself.

All you can do here is help your own self and your children. They certainly cannot and must not grow up in such a toxic environment.

You really do need to get off the merry go around and your own recovery from this will only start when you have fully extricated yourself from him.

[Endoftheroad16]

I'm still trying to figure out my plan. It's difficult because it's all lovely today, probably will be tomorrow, maybe it will be all week. And then I start to think we could make it work. Until the next " event".

I return to work next year and then will be in a better place financially. I will also have hopefully begun counselling, which I'm hoping will help me find more strength.

My main worry is that alcoholism runs in families. But is it genetic or a learned behaviour? If it's learned then by leaving I can save my children. If it's genetic then I've screwed my children

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

It's both. My grandfather died of it, my mother and her brother are fine (odd in other ways but not with drink!)

If there is a genetic link and you stay so all they see is alcohol, they're probably more likely to have problems because it'll be their normal inside and out.

If they grow up not witnessing it every day, they may develop the tools to resist whatever lurks in the genes pulling them one way or the other.

Don't whatever you do assume they're screwed anyway so you might as well stay - that's true cowardice.

[hollyisalovelyname]

If he continues drinking during work hours will he not be sacked?
Then, financially how will you be?
It's the waste of money - literally pi**ing it down the toilet when you have children to clothe, feed, educate etc.
Heartbreaking.

[Endoftheroad16]

He is drinking with other colleagues. It's acceptable within his industry to do a lot of business in the pub or over booze lunches.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

End,

re your comment:-
"My main worry is that alcoholism runs in families. But is it genetic or a learned behaviour? If it's learned then by leaving I can save my children"

It can be both genetic and learnt behaviour; in your case your DHs mother was an alcoholic and he grew up seeing alcoholism. It became his normal. Alcoholism is a family disease and one that does not just affect the alcoholic - you are profoundly affected by his alcoholism as well and that does extend also to the children.

Life with an alcoholic is basically lurching from one crisis to another.

Your H could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

Whatever the root causes of his alcoholism your children cannot afford to grow up within such a dysfunctional household. They are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying.

I would talk to Al-anon asap if you have not already done so; they may also prove invaluable to you.

And what PenguinsdreamofDraco wrote earlier in its entirety particularly her last paragraph.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your H's primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and he has no intention of stopping drinking either. He is saying and doing all the usual behaviours.

[VinoTime]

He thinks I should be congratulating him on going until now without a drink, since he has had lots of invitations to drink, and for controlling himself and being sober.

Yeah. Sure. Congratulations to him

It sounds like he has a definite problem, OP. If he is unwilling to seek help and overcome it, then what course of action are you prepared to take?

[Roseformeplease]

Ok.

My Mum was (died of cancer linked to it) an alcoholic. I am 1 of 4 children.

Messy divorce when I was 15 - too late by years AND we ended up with her, not my Dad.

1 sibling - issues with food. Massively overweight. Depression.
1 sibling - alcoholic. Divorced. Serious health issues. Very difficult.
1 sibling - married an alcoholic. Fled the marriage. Alcoholic herself. Severe mental health issues. Cut herself off from everyone else and blames me for most of it.
Me - depression. Anxiety. OCD. But, as the oldest it had least effect and I was away at school from age 10 so shielded from some of it.

Two siblings above have children. Those children are being affected by my Mum, as potentially will their children. Even my children have me constantly worrying, nagging them about alcohol.

Get out. Please, please get out. Or get him out.

[Silverleaved]

Hi End, I was/am in a very similar situation to you. I followed the advice in the book 'Should I stay or should I go' by Lundy Bancroft. It really helped me get understanding and clarity on what was going on with my DH and a plan to tackle it. It took a several months and me being deadly serious about my expectations or I'd leave, but my DH eventually was able to admit to himself that he was an alcoholic, got help (after trying and failing to 'cut down' himself and all the other bollocks your dh is suggesting about cutting down) and actually really wants to change his life.
Might help you??