Feel my husband has let me down

[Endoftheroad16]

Obviously he disagrees! But who is right?

We had a terrible year last year and he behaved like a total dick. I was heavily pregnant and my dad was dying. OH has a job where he has lots of " meetings" that are essentially just them all down the pub. Last year I never knew if or when he was coming home. He would stay in the pub all afternoon several times a week and not bother coming home until late.

We spent most of the year rowing or not speaking. This year our baby was born and he vowed to behave better. He stopped staying out into the evening and would always be home on time. However, the "meetings" continued and so he would still come home tipsy once or twice a week.

This was a large contributory factor towards the anxiety and depression I am now suffering ( and trying to seek treatment for). He now has a new job and so the all day in the pub meetings are hopefully a thing of the past. However, I still get really anxious if I suspect he might be in the pub or may have had a drink. He doesn't understand as he has never been on the other side of it.

Last week he agreed to do sober October. It was one small way I said he could help me and show me that he does care and does want to make things better ( for me mentally and our marriage). I'm sure you can guess where this is going! Tonight he is home, and ok he is sober, but he has had a few beers. He tried to pass it off as 1 bottle but that turned into 1.5 pints. Never known him drink halves so doubt that very much.

I'm hurt and angry and sitting in the bedroom because I don't want to be around him. I feel like he has stuck two fingers up at me. He thinks I should be congratulating him on going until now without a drink, since he has had lots of invitations to drink, and for controlling himself and being sober.

That all feels like bullshit to me though. My anxiety stems from never knowing if he would cone home and what state he would be in. So the fact he couldn't even make a month without alcohol doesn't look like a good sign to me.

[Silverleaved]

Hi End, I was/am in a very similar situation to you. I followed the advice in the book 'Should I stay or should I go' by Lundy Bancroft. It really helped me get understanding and clarity on what was going on with my DH and a plan to tackle it. It took a several months and me being deadly serious about my expectations or I'd leave, but my DH eventually was able to admit to himself that he was an alcoholic, got help (after trying and failing to 'cut down' himself and all the other bollocks your dh is suggesting about cutting down) and actually really wants to change his life.
Might help you??

[Roseformeplease]

Ok.

My Mum was (died of cancer linked to it) an alcoholic. I am 1 of 4 children.

Messy divorce when I was 15 - too late by years AND we ended up with her, not my Dad.

1 sibling - issues with food. Massively overweight. Depression.
1 sibling - alcoholic. Divorced. Serious health issues. Very difficult.
1 sibling - married an alcoholic. Fled the marriage. Alcoholic herself. Severe mental health issues. Cut herself off from everyone else and blames me for most of it.
Me - depression. Anxiety. OCD. But, as the oldest it had least effect and I was away at school from age 10 so shielded from some of it.

Two siblings above have children. Those children are being affected by my Mum, as potentially will their children. Even my children have me constantly worrying, nagging them about alcohol.

Get out. Please, please get out. Or get him out.

[VinoTime]

He thinks I should be congratulating him on going until now without a drink, since he has had lots of invitations to drink, and for controlling himself and being sober.

Yeah. Sure. Congratulations to him

It sounds like he has a definite problem, OP. If he is unwilling to seek help and overcome it, then what course of action are you prepared to take?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your H's primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and he has no intention of stopping drinking either. He is saying and doing all the usual behaviours.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

End,

re your comment:-
"My main worry is that alcoholism runs in families. But is it genetic or a learned behaviour? If it's learned then by leaving I can save my children"

It can be both genetic and learnt behaviour; in your case your DHs mother was an alcoholic and he grew up seeing alcoholism. It became his normal. Alcoholism is a family disease and one that does not just affect the alcoholic - you are profoundly affected by his alcoholism as well and that does extend also to the children.

Life with an alcoholic is basically lurching from one crisis to another.

Your H could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

Whatever the root causes of his alcoholism your children cannot afford to grow up within such a dysfunctional household. They are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying.

I would talk to Al-anon asap if you have not already done so; they may also prove invaluable to you.

And what PenguinsdreamofDraco wrote earlier in its entirety particularly her last paragraph.

[Endoftheroad16]

He is drinking with other colleagues. It's acceptable within his industry to do a lot of business in the pub or over booze lunches.

[hollyisalovelyname]

If he continues drinking during work hours will he not be sacked?
Then, financially how will you be?
It's the waste of money - literally pi**ing it down the toilet when you have children to clothe, feed, educate etc.
Heartbreaking.

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

It's both. My grandfather died of it, my mother and her brother are fine (odd in other ways but not with drink!)

If there is a genetic link and you stay so all they see is alcohol, they're probably more likely to have problems because it'll be their normal inside and out.

If they grow up not witnessing it every day, they may develop the tools to resist whatever lurks in the genes pulling them one way or the other.

Don't whatever you do assume they're screwed anyway so you might as well stay - that's true cowardice.

[Endoftheroad16]

I'm still trying to figure out my plan. It's difficult because it's all lovely today, probably will be tomorrow, maybe it will be all week. And then I start to think we could make it work. Until the next " event".

I return to work next year and then will be in a better place financially. I will also have hopefully begun counselling, which I'm hoping will help me find more strength.

My main worry is that alcoholism runs in families. But is it genetic or a learned behaviour? If it's learned then by leaving I can save my children. If it's genetic then I've screwed my children

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"There is nothing I can do to help him"

You wrote that End and you are correct. You are still not responsible for him.

Your posts are also very typical of this type; its mainly written about the alcoholic. What about you in all this, where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

There were many red flags re alcoholism in his family of origin re your H and its not altogether surprising that he is an alcoholic himself.

All you can do here is help your own self and your children. They certainly cannot and must not grow up in such a toxic environment.

You really do need to get off the merry go around and your own recovery from this will only start when you have fully extricated yourself from him.

[Endoftheroad16]

Yeah it sounds ridiculous.... but the majority of his drinking is from lunchtime onwards during " meetings".

[DoinItFine]

Then suggested he not drink Monday - Friday 9-5!

Sorry but and

That is tge most ridiculous "offer" of cutting down drinking I have heard.

"I won't drink when I am at work." FFS

[Endoftheroad16]

There is nothing I can do to help him. I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic who has offered advice and people for him to talk to. But this would all fall on deaf ears as none of it applies to him. He "likes a drink" and occasionally gets "carried away" due to " stress". He can control it and doesn't have a problem.

You can't help someone who doesn't see they have a problem, or who see's it but refuses to admit it.

I don't know what his rock bottom would be. The threat of losing his family doesn't seem to frighten him.

Watching his alcoholic relative die didn't stop him.

Seeing his mother sneak brandy in her purse hasn't stopped him.

Being found unconscious in the street hasn't stopped him.

Letting his wife and children down hasn't stopped him.

I don't know if anything ever will.

[springydaffs]

Storm. I appreciate you've been there but to offer advice to op re If you want to help him then it needs to be calmly and with proper support/advice. is way off the mark imo.

Alcoholics, addicts, destroy everyone around them. They're ok because they're inured in their bubble. It's everyone around them who pays an exceptionally high price. On so many levels - every level.

Op can't help him. To suggest she, or anyone in her position, can or even should is buying into enabling/codependency. There is absolutely zero she can do to change his addiction. It all has to come from him. Neither should she, imo, be seeking to give 'professional advice/support' - she isn't his mother or his therapist. It's not her role.

Op he is destroying you and destroying your kids - destroying the whole family. Now he's turning it on you, blaming you for this and that. So far, so classic for an addict. If he wants to destroy his life then that's up to him. Don't let him destroy you and the kids. If he refuses to address his addiction that means removing yourselves from him. It's the only way.

[LookingOldBeforMyTime]

Endof,

I'm so sad for your situation because I have been there myself. I think that maybe like you, I took too long to tackle the problem head on, through hoping it was just a phase, feeling it was my fault in some way, through shame, so pretending to the outside world that all was okay. It took me a long time to even admit to myself that DP was an alcoholic. I was in denial. You are now past that and have finally sought help.

In my view the best place you can get that help, quickly, by people who understand exactly what you have been through and can support you through the long term is Al-Anon. Please get in touch NOW -

al-anon.org

You said "In the process I've broken myself". Please don't let him destroy you, and your children, as well. You must now take steps to repair the harm.

Someone earlier mentioned the 3c's of alcoholism

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

But you can help yourself and your children to tackle and deal with your horrible situation - so please, please contact Al-Anon.

No one will judge you, they will certainly not be crass with phrases like "your anxiety is making you lose perspective on his drinking and be blowing it out of proportion" as someone unbelievably said. Al-Anon will support you through the dreadful, dreadful situation you have found yourself in through absolutely no fault of yours.

Your husband is clearly an alcoholic - you cannot control that and you cannot cure that. Only he can - and whilst he is in denial he cannot do that either. He will do that when he reaches his own 'rock-bottom' or he will die of it. That 'rock-bottom' could be anything - your refusal to enable him by pretending to family/friends/medical services that the problem does not exist - being arrested for drink/drive - losing his job - losing you and your children - killing/injuring someone (maybe one of your children) when drunk - whatever. And please don't be fooled by a false denial - not drinking for so many days or weeks simply to 'prove' all is okay. That is mostly a strategy simply to get you 'off his back'. Then it will be all the usual rubbish 'It's only Christmas' etcetera.

If my experience is anything to go by Christmas will be very difficult to cope with - so please get help now, get in touch with Al-Anon, now, not tomorrow, now

al-anon.org

Lots of people in your situation, do get through this, and you can do it whether you stay with your husband or not - only you can decide that road. I wish you every success in that.

[Storminateapot]

Not sure if anyone's mentioned it, but have you contacted Al Anon for advice? It does sound like he has lost control of his drinking and you are entitled to feel the way you do.
But shouting & threatening won't stop him until he's ready to stop. It's more likely to drive him further down the neck of a bottle.
I speak from very bitter experience here and my loved one eventually drank himself to death.

If you want to help him then it needs to be calmly and with proper support/advice.

If you can't cope any more (and who could blame you) then end it & hope he finds it in himself to get help.

Anger and recriminations will not get through to him. Not necessarily because he doesn't want to stop - although he does sound in denial if he thinks offering up 9 - 5 on a weekday as a reasonable amount of time to manage without a drink is normal behaviour. He isn't able to without help.

[Endoftheroad16]

Yellow - yes he is definitely an alcoholic. To friends he would appear to be just a " drinker" but it has negatively impacted every aspect of our life for years now. Because he doesn't appear to be an alcoholic to the outside world many people think I'm overreacting or being controlling. But they don't live with it, or the constant excuses and justification for why drinking was reasonable on whatever occasion.

I've asked him to leave many times but he won't. I was pregnant and now on maternity leave so have felt trapped.

[SandyY2K]

Then suggested he not drink Monday - Friday 9-5!

While he's at work then.

He's sounding like a functioning alcoholic.

[Offred]

This guy is following a script - choosing alcohol over family/work, denying having a problem and then reluctantly saying they can control it when pushed, turning the issue back on the person who complains about the drinking etc - it's all behaviour designed to protect his ability to continue drinking at all costs.

I would say not only is he an alcoholic but he is in a bad stage of his addiction given he is still drinking despite it causing his wife distress significant enough to be medicated for and despite it significantly interfering with his ability to be a father and a partner.

[Offred]

Having alcohol issues/being a problem drinker/being an alcoholic whatever name you give it is nothing to do with how much or how often you drink. It is about your relationship with alcohol and the effect it has on aspects of your life.

[Offred]

Of course he thinks you are being unreasonable! He clearly has alcohol issues if his drinking has caused you mental health problems, he can't even do 1 week without alcohol, he is lying about how much he has drunk, his drinking is interfering with his relationship, he is happy to drink at work and he thinks being sober is drinking 1.5 pints...

[YellowLambBanana]

No springy - I don't. Yes I agree - there are plenty of functioning alcoholics who can stop for periods and remain alcoholics but equally there are many people who drink regularly who aren't alcoholics.

I was trying to say that regardless of whether he is or isn't some support for the anxiety would be of benefit (and ultimately help op deal with the relationship issues or end the relationship)

[springydaffs]

What do you think an alcoholic is, Yellow? Smelly gutter person?

there are hoards of functioning alcoholics. Who can 'give it up' for January, or October, or whatever. They are still alcoholics.

[springydaffs]

There are no grades to alcoholism. He is an alcoholic.

And, as with any addict, their chosen substance comes FIRST. Always. They are already married - you get a teeny corner. And even that is crap quality.

Al-anon. Pronto. You won't make a dent in his love affair with drink.

[YellowLambBanana]

I'm sorry, you do sound like you're in a very lonely and anxious place.

I mean this kindly, I can't tell from the level of drinking you've described in your post if he actually is an alcoholic or your anxiety is making you lose perspective on his drinking and be blowing it out of proportion.

If he is an alcoholic and won't change then yes you need to assess your relationship and leave. But - if he isn't an alcoholic and is maybe just a regular drinker then you need to face the fact that it isn't healthy to control another person whether your dh or not and make them do something they don't want to do.

I've plenty of friends who drink at the level you've described and are not alcoholics, and I also know many people who've given up dry Jan, stoptober etc part way through who are most definitely not alcoholics.

Regardless of whether or not your husband is I think you need to focus on your own anxiety and treatment.